Saturday, March 28, 2009

I Just Don't Know

I'm in a kind of tight spot. I really don't know where to go from here.

There are people I'd like to be spending my time with, but for whatever reason that is not happening. Either I didn't do something I should have done, or I did do something I shouldn't have done. I don't know which, and I think the worst part is knowing that I'll never really know because asking just forces someone to acknowledge an uncomfortable situation which they would rather ignore than comfront head on.

I've hit spots like this a few times in my life. I usually just shrug and move on. But I've always wanted to figure out what went wrong. Where did I misstep. I don't like not understanding a mistake, because then I can't keep from repeating it.

Lately, the last six to eight months, I've been trying to be a nice guy. That is, trying to be the real me and leaving the sarcastic asshole at home. The result has been...mixed.

On the one hand, I like the fact that peoples' first impression of me isn't as harsh as it would have been in the past due to my course manner and brutal honestly, yet I feel like being more 'polite and tactful' isn't really having any actual benefits. Sure, I'm not the 'jerk' in social situations. But I'm still ending up home alone at night. There's no one to talk too. There's no one there to make me feel like all the bullshit in the world is worth it.

There's just me. And that should be enough. In a way, it really is. I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. But sometimes it would be nice to not feel so alone. So surrounded by fools who will all eventually give in to the group think. I'd like to know I'm not the only one using my rational to guide myself through life.

Monday, March 23, 2009

On Being Single

You know, I've been single now for a while. It's not all bad, but it's really not my prefered status. I like sharing my life with someone. It's not necessary, but it's nice to be able to have all those perks a significant other brings to your life.

Anyway, I was thinking, and have thought many times before, that one of the worst parts of being single for me is sleeping alone. And I'm not talking about sex here. Sex is a whole different subject entirely.

No, I just mean having someone to snuggle up to. Someone there to hold onto after a bad dream, or just because. Someone to let you know you're not the last person on earth when you wake up with a a feeling of dread in the middle of the night.

Sure, I have, and will continue to live without that. I value my independance, my ability to take care of myself by myself. But that doens't mean I don't prefer having someone else to share the burden. A little mutual given and take.

I've sometimes wondered if I set my standards to high, but in the end I know I haven't. What I want is pretty simple,and settling for less will only leave me always wondering if something better will come along.

I guess my only fear in that regard is that I will fail to recognize that I've got what I want when I've got it. That's a possibility. I hope that doesn't come to pass. I'm pretty good at seeing things for what they are, but you never know.

Well, I guess this is enough of a rambling stream of conscious blog post for now.

Until next time!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Robert's Picks

I'm reading:

Black Ops by W.E.B. Griffin (very good)

Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind (still excellent)

Star Wars: Legacy of the Force (Invincible) (good, but sad)

On DVD I watched:

Punisher: War Zone (surprisingly good)

I'm listening to:

Music To Make Love to Your Old Lady By by Lovage

Sunday, March 15, 2009

100 Things About Me

I did one of these about four years ago. Reading over it I've learned that a few thing about me have changed so I decided to do it again.

1. I'm a fan of Objectivist Philosophy.
2. I am 24 years old.
3. I'm single.
4. I enjoy a wide range of music, but my favorite is classic rock and roll.
5. I am a staunch supporter of the 2nd Amendment.
6. I own over ten firearms.
7. My favorite gun is also my newest, a Kimber Ultra Raptor II .45 Auto.
8. I am a pretty good shot.
9. I want to take up hunting seriously but have so far failed in my attempts.
10. I have never met my biological father, don't even know his name.
11. I was born in California.
12. I have lived in Alabama for the last 14 years.
13. I consider myself a Southerner.
14. I believe that gun control is a legal philosopy that does not conform itself to reality and that it is and always will be a complete failure.
15. My thoughts on drug control mirror my thoughts on gun control.
16. I believe most criminals are not punished harshly enough.
17. I believe any person entering the United States illegally should be shot.
18. I believe that the borders of the United States should be clearly marked so that no one can claim ignorance as their reason for entering the country illegally.
19. I am not a Republican.
20. I am not a Democrat.
21. I believe that the Republican and Democratic parties of the US political system are the single largest threat to the citizens of the United States.
22. My favorite drink is Gentleman Jack and Coke.
23. My favorite game is No Limit Texas Hold'em Poker.
24. I believe the purpose of marriage is to provide a safe and stable environment for the rearing of children and as such should be between two or more people who share the goal of rearing children in a safe and stable environment.
25. I enjoy watching movies.
26. My favorite movie genre is science fiction.
27. My favorite movies are the Star Wars films.
28. My favorite hobby is reading.
29. My favorite literary genre is fantasy.
30. My favorite books are the Sword of Truth books by Terry Goodkind.
31. I think the Legend of the Seeker tv show, based on the Sword of Truth books, is a huge piece of shit that should be canceled and forgotten as soon as possible.
32. I get all of my news online.
33. I watch very little tv besides movies.
34. I like looking at beautiful women.
35. I think tattoos and piercings can enhance a woman's beauty.
36. I think a woman who can get by with little or no make-up

Sunday, March 8, 2009



I spent part of the day shooting this little beauty. It's my newest pistol, a Kimber Ultra Raptor II. It's a 1911 designed for concealed carry. It has a 3" barrel and 7+1 capacity.

It shoots great, and I enjoyed it quite a bit.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Ugh.

I haven't had anything to say for a while...

And then my computer died and I didn't have a choice...

I got a new one. Tomorrow I should be getting the bulk of my inheritance. Tonight I'm not feeling so hot.

It's a lot of things. I actually had a really good day, and tomorrow looks to be really good as well.

But, well...

It's just that...

I'm so damned lonely. It's the worst feeling in the world. And it's not easy to fix. You can't just 'go out' 'go to where people are' 'or visit family' to feel better. At least I can't. I've got a certain kind of lonely that only a certain kind of someone can cure.

Well, sucks for me. I knew there was a reason I really like that song "Hate My Life" by Theory of Deadman.