Friday, June 27, 2008

Thoughts On Love Lost

First, a conversation:

Cheryl Moore: i know what you mean, I hope that doesnt keep you from spending time w/ me
Robert Sandhurst: I don't want it too, but I've been here before and I know it won't get easier any time soon
Robert Sandhurst: I guess I just need you to understand this is very difficult for me.  There is a lot of undirected anger there on my part, and I don't know what to do with it.  My emotions are all tangled up and I can't think straight.  I'm going to have my ups and downs.  And I'm never going to find it easy to walk away from you. 
Cheryl Moore: dont take it the wrong way. but part of me wants to give you a reason to walk away. i do love you and it brings me down knowing what i do to you. i know its a fucking roller coaster. its not fair.
Robert Sandhurst: I still don't really understand what you want from me Cheryl.  And when I do, I'm not sure I'll be able to give it too you. 
Cheryl Moore: i want your love, support, acceptance, understanding
Robert Sandhurst: You'll always have my love.  I'll give you my support as long as my strength holds out.  Acceptance may come with time...I can't promise anything.  I don't think I'll ever understand.
Cheryl Moore: i want to hug  you again
Robert Sandhurst: Thanks.  I wish you could. 
Cheryl Moore: i think im going to bed
Cheryl Moore: again, im glad you spent some time w/ me. good seeing you.
Robert Sandhurst: Yeah, it was good seeing you too.  Good night.

"Robert Sandhurst" is an alias I use to sign up for free email and what not online so I don't have to use my real last name.  Anyway. 

They say time heals all wounds.  I disagree, though in this case I think it will.  But nothing makes the scars go away.  And the more scars there are, the harder it is to feel.  That's my opinion. 

I don't understand why it is that the thing I want most, cherish most, would trade anything else for, seems to also be the thing that slips through my fingers every time I find it. 

I wonder if I've committed some great sin for which I am being punished.  I don't believe that to be the case.  But still, it would be easier to believe that.  At least that would be a reason.  Something.  It's much harder to accept that some things just don't work out, for no reason that can easily be defined.  Oh, sure, with enough study of the situation the reasons could be dredged up, but that wouldn't make it any easier.  The reasons would probably do nothing more than make you realize that the person you thought you knew only existed in your head, and was never really there in reality. 

I'm angry.  I'm bitter.  I'm sad.  I want to break things.  I want to hurt someone.  I want to cry and I want to yell. 

I find myself in serious need of comfort, with no one around to do the comforting.  I'm full of rage with no way to expel it.  I'm full of need, yearning, and wanting of some one, of some life affirming action that will let me know there is still pleasure in the world and the hope of happiness in the future.  I can't see it right now.  I'm blinded by my bitterness in a world painted black.

"Wash away my troubles,

wash away my pain,

with the rain of Shambala."

Friday, June 20, 2008

I Miss Her

I miss her so much.  I would give almost anything in this moment to have her in my arms, yet I can recognize that that wouldn't be right, because she would still be holding back.  No matter how close I got, it would never be close enough.  But, damn, I still miss her so much.  I miss her smell, her smile, her laugh.

I can remember coming home and smelling her perfume all through our apartment from her getting ready for work in the morning.  I can remember when we used to sleep in the same bed snuggled up together.

How do I cope with that being gone?  I don't know.  I just know it hurts a lot right now.  And all I want is her.  Her her her her her.  I made a total commitment to her.  Total.  How does one walk away from that sort of thing?  I don't know either.  I just want someone to hold me and put me to sleep.  to be there when the nightmares wake me up. 

I've had them every time I've slept.  I woke up in the wrong room the other day.  I had dreamed we still lived together.  In another she had found someone else, and was so happy and oblivious to my pain I couldn't speak.  More will come. 

Oh, hell.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Back With Bad News

It seems the only time I update this blog is when I'm not doing too good.  So my relationship with Cheryl is over, and I think this time for good.  I've tried and tried but it's just not good enough.  I wanted things to work out between us, but nothing ever changes.  She's unhappy and refuses to do anything about it.  She just runs away from her problems.  I can't be with someone like that anymore.

We recently moved into seperate places, and things were good for about a week and half, and then they started down hill again.  Last night we ended up in a fight.  It came down to her saying she wanted us to spend time apart so she could get her life together, figure out what she wants, and what will make her happy.  If she has to figure it out, it's obviously not me.

I told her she should do that, but I wasn't waiting.  I couldn't wait for her anymore.  I told her to look me up if she ever gets her life straight.  I don't think that will happen.  I also told her to not dare ever blame me for us not working out.  I put way too much effort into making things work to take the blame.  I understand she has a lot of problems to work out and deal with, but I'm not going to suffer because of it any more.  I'm tired of giving 90 and only getting 10 back.

I don't know what exactly will happen now.  I'm going to probably have to deal with a lot of sadness and depression.  I just hope I'm better equipped this time.  Hopefully I can move on from this pain a little sooner, but maybe not.  It hasn't hit me to bad yet, but it will.  I'm not looking forward to that.