Sunday, December 16, 2007

The Dice Are Spinning

Sometimes I wish I could just not care about anything.  Then I could do what I want without the slightest worry because there would be no regrets to keep me from my sleep.  Day, after day, after day, I go through life facing the temptation of things I know could destroy everything I've got, everything I've built.  And I pass them by.  Sometimes I do it alone, and sometimes I do it with help (thank you to those who'eve helped).  But I do it.  I do it in every aspect of my life, be it romantic, financial (still working on this one, I admit), eduction, or work. 

So often I'm faced with situtations where it would be easier to not care.  But I do care.  I always have and I always will.  And you know what?  Even with all the pain it causes me I still hold that it is a good thing to care.  I've seen people who don't care and the destruction they bring down upon themselves and everyone who is close to them. 

I've learned some very hard lessons.  I've learned that sometimes you have to take risks to live life.  And you have to learn to live with those risks.  I took a risk when I decided to be with Cheryl.  I've risked by staying with her when time after time after time I knew it would be so much easier to just pack up and walk away, never speak to or see her again.  But that isn't what I want in the end, and to get what I want I've got to take risk. 

I've got to risk that she is just as human as me and may do something fucked up, inconsiderate, and just plain hurtful.  I've got to risk that I may do the same and suffer the consequences of seeing someone I love in pain and knowing I'm the cause.  I risk these things, and I've done so gladly.  The rewards are worth it, and always have been. 

I'm at a shatterpoint.  I can go one of two ways, but once I do there is no going back.  And I've made my decision.  There was really never any decision to make, from my point of view.  I'm here.  And here I'll remain.  I love her.  While it would be easier to just find a place to go and turn off those emotions for her by transforming them all into anger and hate, I won't do it.  Taking the easy path almost never leads to the big gain in life.  I'm not doing it.

But hey, I've said all this before here or elsewhere.  Now I've got to face the biggest risk.  Even after all that, I've still got to worry about the biggest risk of them all.  It's the one I have no control over.  It's that human factor.  That other human factor.  After all is said and done....

Is she willing to risk as much as me?

Maybe it's just like Worm said.  "In the poker game of life, women are the fucking rake."