Saturday, April 28, 2007

Doing Better

I'm doing better, if not great.  I worked some things out with Cheryl, and we're back together with a newly defined relationship.  I don't know how this is going to work, but we'll see.  Most of our problems stemmed from some misunderstandings that we've taken care of, so we'll see.  That past week or so things have been okay, but time will tell.  Maybe I've made a mistake here in breaking one of my rules.  Six months isn't much time in the long run, but it took me a year and half to get to that six months.  Anyway, like I said, we'll see. 

Anyway, next month we are getting a cabin in Gatlinburg, TN for a weekend.  We'll be staying there Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights.  I've got an extra pay check next month, along with a quarterly bonus coming so it shouldn't hurt me in the finaces department.

By next Thursday I will be finished with the current semester at school.  I'll have the whole summer off.  I've got a lot of things to do, starting with deciding whether I'll renew my lease in August or move on.  That will depend on a lot of things, including what the contractors say about my/my grandfather's house.  I'm also going to apply at a couple of places and see if I can get out of WalMart.  That place is going to kill me.

I feel like I'm kind of in a transition place in life again, but I don't know where it's going.  I'm trying to stay positive and just go with the flow for a while, putting on the breaks when I need too.   

Monday, April 23, 2007

I don't know how to stop it

I don't know how to stop this hurt, and I don't know how to live with it.  This shit just not funny anyway more.  I did this once, I don't know how I'm going to do it again.  It like rolling that rock up that mountain and having the damn thing roll back down again every time you are near the top.

Work was horrible last night.  I kept feeling like I was going to be sick, but nothing ever happened.  At one point my boss wanted to send me home because of the way I was looking (and we were already a few people short, so you can imagine). 

I felt bad being around all those people who expected me to be in a good mood because I was fresh from a vacation, but there was no way I could be.  I couldn't get 'okay' there.  I just kept feeling worse and worse.

I came home and pretty much went straight to bed.  I woke up around one o'clock this afternoon and made myself go back to bed until five.  I knew if I didn't I would be up for the rest of the day and then all night tonight again. 

It's just bad all around when you feel like this.  All those things that used to make you happy just bring you down even more.  The memories will kill you.  The self-doubt is just as bad.  I can't help but ask, "What did I do wrong?  What did I do to deserve this?"  I feel like a complete failure, and I'm embarrassed that I didn't see this coming.  Oh, I had my doubts sometimes, but I never really gave in to them. 

In the long run the self-doubt is what will get me the worst.  As much as I try to avoid it I'm going to keep second guessing myself, and asking what I did to fuck up so bad.  It took so long to stop doing it last time, and it made me feel terrible.  But it's hard to come to except that there's nothing you can or could have done, even if you already know it.

I'm feeling a little bit better right now.  I guess writing helps.  It always did.  It's good to get this shit out and this is the only place I've got.  That's one of the worst parts of it too.  The one person I could talk to about my problems isn't there anymore. 

I've just got to shake this feeling of hopelessness.  Yesterday I did that okay until I left school.  A friend in class came and sat next to me and we talked and flirted.  It was nice.  She even bought me dinner at the campus cafeteria.  We talked for a couple of hours and the subject of my problem almost never came up, which  was good.  Unfortunately, as soon as I was in the car on my way home, guess where my thoughts went? 

Every time I have free moment to think, here it comes.  And that's all I've got at work.  I used to be able to listen to my iPod and distract myself with some music, but I can't even do that now thanks to WalMart's new policies.  If I can stay distracted I'm okay.  But the minute I'm not focused on something, I'm screwed. 

Reading has helped the most, I guess.  It's still there when I read, but only in the back of my mind.  It's better than dwelling on it.  I just don't want to slip into that void where most of my existence is in my imagination.  That's just escapism, but maybe I need an escape.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

This Sucks

I don't know what else to say about it, this just sucks.  I talked to her yesterday, and a little today.  The only conclusion I can come to is that she's fucking crazy.  I don't know what her deal is, but it's hurting me.  Oh, well.  If she doesn't want to be with me, she won't be now.  It's over, and I don't go back on things like that.  I don't need the drama in my life. 

It still fucking hurts though.  Bad, too.  It hurts and it pisses me off that she wanted to take our relationship to the level we had, and then she didn't want that.  First I wasn't paying her enough attention.  I wasn't showing her how deeply I cared.  Then when I did, it was too much. 

I think I'm starting to agree with her last two boyfriends.  I don't think anyone is going to be able to make her happy. 

Oh, she's taking all the blame on herself too.  She's says she's just fucked up and needs to be alone, but that it's too hard.  Whatever. 

Personally, I think she just doesn't want to be with me anymore.  I don't think it's anything more than that, plain and simple.  I don't she feels like she needs to be alone, or that she can't be happy.  I think she just doesn't see herself happy with me.  Wasn't happy with me, even while saying things like, "You're too good for me."

I've heard that before.  Maybe she even means it.  But I doubt it.  And a part of me hates her for it because there is nothing I can do now.  Not a damned thing. 

Six months of effort.  Six months of getting over my past.  Six months of doing all the things you have to do make it work.  Six months down the fucking drain. 

But what's six months, right?  In ten years, what will six months matter?  I don't really know.  I hope nothing.  But I know that's not true.  I'll always remember it, and it'll always hurt.  I just need some distance now, and that means waiting for time to pass.  Time. 

It's like a kick in the gut.  It just takes the breath away, and I want to curl up into a ball and just suffer.  I've been here before.  I never wanted to be here again.  I tried keeping my distance to avoid it.  And she was suffering because of that.  She told me so, and I could see it.  So I allowed my self to really open up. 

Look what it got me.  No wonder some many people hate love.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Back to Square One

I don't know what went wrong.  Long story short is that she wanted me to make a serious commitment, and after thinking long and hard about it, I did.  Then about a month later she realized it would have to be a two way street and she wanted out.  She didn't say it like that, but it was obvious.  So I ended it, and I told her that was it.  There is no going back.  I won't be hurt, take her back, be hurt, take her back, be hurt, etc. etc. 

I like what we had.  I LOVED what we had.  It was the best relationship I've ever had.  She gave me what I wanted for as long as she could, and now it's over.  And I don't know what to do but feel like shit.  Absolute.  Total.  Shit.

It hurts, like it always will.  I did have something special for a little while, but I guess 'we' didn't have something special.  And that's what it takes.  That's what will make you stick it out and make it work.  It wasn't there for her, so there you go.

I'm going to feel very bad for a while.  I don't know how long, but I'll probably retreat back into my fortress of solitude here in cyber space like I did before. 

Maybe it won't last as long this time.  I have to admit the hurt isn't near as bad, but it's worse than I wanted to ever feel again. 

I've read that depression is rage turned inward.  That makes sense.  I'm hating myself right now for hating myself for letting myself feel for someone again.  I shouldn't feel bad for having feelings, but right now I do.  It'll pass.  In time.  It's still so sad, though.  So tragic in it's own little way. 

And I was having such a good week, too.

I'm not going to do anything stupid, so don't worry.  No drinking when depressed.  That's one rule I've learned to follow.  Walk away when you can't win.  Don't cry until she's out the door...

You know what I regret the most?  I didn't keep any kind of record of thehappy moments.  I used to write about everything that happened to me somewhere, but I stopped.  Now I don't have any record at all.  There's another lesson. 

Fuck, we never even got around to taking a picture together.  God damn that's depressing.