Sunday, October 21, 2007

I Picked Up a Picture and Started Crying

I picked up a picture today while cleaning up around the apartment Cheryl and I share.  It was a picture of her niece in a University of Auburn cheerleader outfit.  I started crying.  I couldn't help but think that after everything I've been through with Cheryl, all the ups and downs, all the good and the bad over the past year we might not make it.  I'm pretty much to blame this time.  I was having an 'inappropriate" conversation with an online friend that I never intended for Cheryl to see.  She did, and while to me the things that we're said were meaningless to her they were most definitely not. 

I've put up with a lot to be with her so I guess I kind of expect a little bit of the same from her.  I would never cheat on her and never have.  I never took advantage of the fact that for many months we were in an open relationship.  Hell, I do my damnedest not to even flirt anymore, but I still do.  And like the conversation last night, it sometimes treads into some rather vulgar and, while to me completely silly, explicit territory.  I've never exchanged more than words with another person, and none of those have ever had any real meaning.  They range from jokes to comments meant to offend. 

I tried to explain all this to Cheryl, was in fact up until four in the morning trying to do just that.  I now don't think she believed a word I said, no matter how true. 

She came into the living room last night and asked me to come to bed with her.  I said I would.  As soon as I stood up she hugged me and held onto me a long time and I held her back, not wanting to let go because I'm always afraid it will be the last time I get to hold on to her.  When I got in bed she pulled me close and we slept cuddled together all night. 

I woke up around 3 PM and Cheryl was gone to work.  I assumed she had also been home for lunch already by the way things looked around the house.  I didn't have anything to do, and I just wanted a little escape, so I started playing a computer game.  I was playing when she came home for lunch, fast food bag and drink in hand.  She didn't say a word to me, just walked into her bedroom.  She ate her lunch in there, while I sat on the couch watching tv.  I couldn't bring myself to go to her, and she left without either of us saying a word. 

That's when I started doing some chores around the apartment, and I found that picture, and I started to cry.  That cute little picture of a little girl who I have come to care about a great deal even though I'm not even slightly related to her.  One of the first words she learned to speak was my name, and if me and Cheryl break up I'll probabably never see her again.  That's just one of those things I don't want to lose.  There are a million more, and I don't want to lose them, not one. 

I don't want to be alone in the dark again.