Sunday, December 16, 2007

The Dice Are Spinning

Sometimes I wish I could just not care about anything.  Then I could do what I want without the slightest worry because there would be no regrets to keep me from my sleep.  Day, after day, after day, I go through life facing the temptation of things I know could destroy everything I've got, everything I've built.  And I pass them by.  Sometimes I do it alone, and sometimes I do it with help (thank you to those who'eve helped).  But I do it.  I do it in every aspect of my life, be it romantic, financial (still working on this one, I admit), eduction, or work. 

So often I'm faced with situtations where it would be easier to not care.  But I do care.  I always have and I always will.  And you know what?  Even with all the pain it causes me I still hold that it is a good thing to care.  I've seen people who don't care and the destruction they bring down upon themselves and everyone who is close to them. 

I've learned some very hard lessons.  I've learned that sometimes you have to take risks to live life.  And you have to learn to live with those risks.  I took a risk when I decided to be with Cheryl.  I've risked by staying with her when time after time after time I knew it would be so much easier to just pack up and walk away, never speak to or see her again.  But that isn't what I want in the end, and to get what I want I've got to take risk. 

I've got to risk that she is just as human as me and may do something fucked up, inconsiderate, and just plain hurtful.  I've got to risk that I may do the same and suffer the consequences of seeing someone I love in pain and knowing I'm the cause.  I risk these things, and I've done so gladly.  The rewards are worth it, and always have been. 

I'm at a shatterpoint.  I can go one of two ways, but once I do there is no going back.  And I've made my decision.  There was really never any decision to make, from my point of view.  I'm here.  And here I'll remain.  I love her.  While it would be easier to just find a place to go and turn off those emotions for her by transforming them all into anger and hate, I won't do it.  Taking the easy path almost never leads to the big gain in life.  I'm not doing it.

But hey, I've said all this before here or elsewhere.  Now I've got to face the biggest risk.  Even after all that, I've still got to worry about the biggest risk of them all.  It's the one I have no control over.  It's that human factor.  That other human factor.  After all is said and done....

Is she willing to risk as much as me?

Maybe it's just like Worm said.  "In the poker game of life, women are the fucking rake." 

Sunday, October 21, 2007

I Picked Up a Picture and Started Crying

I picked up a picture today while cleaning up around the apartment Cheryl and I share.  It was a picture of her niece in a University of Auburn cheerleader outfit.  I started crying.  I couldn't help but think that after everything I've been through with Cheryl, all the ups and downs, all the good and the bad over the past year we might not make it.  I'm pretty much to blame this time.  I was having an 'inappropriate" conversation with an online friend that I never intended for Cheryl to see.  She did, and while to me the things that we're said were meaningless to her they were most definitely not. 

I've put up with a lot to be with her so I guess I kind of expect a little bit of the same from her.  I would never cheat on her and never have.  I never took advantage of the fact that for many months we were in an open relationship.  Hell, I do my damnedest not to even flirt anymore, but I still do.  And like the conversation last night, it sometimes treads into some rather vulgar and, while to me completely silly, explicit territory.  I've never exchanged more than words with another person, and none of those have ever had any real meaning.  They range from jokes to comments meant to offend. 

I tried to explain all this to Cheryl, was in fact up until four in the morning trying to do just that.  I now don't think she believed a word I said, no matter how true. 

She came into the living room last night and asked me to come to bed with her.  I said I would.  As soon as I stood up she hugged me and held onto me a long time and I held her back, not wanting to let go because I'm always afraid it will be the last time I get to hold on to her.  When I got in bed she pulled me close and we slept cuddled together all night. 

I woke up around 3 PM and Cheryl was gone to work.  I assumed she had also been home for lunch already by the way things looked around the house.  I didn't have anything to do, and I just wanted a little escape, so I started playing a computer game.  I was playing when she came home for lunch, fast food bag and drink in hand.  She didn't say a word to me, just walked into her bedroom.  She ate her lunch in there, while I sat on the couch watching tv.  I couldn't bring myself to go to her, and she left without either of us saying a word. 

That's when I started doing some chores around the apartment, and I found that picture, and I started to cry.  That cute little picture of a little girl who I have come to care about a great deal even though I'm not even slightly related to her.  One of the first words she learned to speak was my name, and if me and Cheryl break up I'll probabably never see her again.  That's just one of those things I don't want to lose.  There are a million more, and I don't want to lose them, not one. 

I don't want to be alone in the dark again.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Time For a Few More Dents

It's time again for me to put on the that dull and dented armor and take a few more beatings.  The one thing I am good at is being strong for others.  I can be there for you when you need me and I'll stand there and hold you up when all you want to do is fall down.

Now I find myself in an odd situation.  How can you be there for someone who is afraid of ever really depending on anyway?  How can you earn the real trust of someone who is just waiting for the next heart break, who can't let themself believe that the chance is still worth taking?

All I can do is be there, and in being there hope that it is enough.  I'll  be the best I can, which is admittedly imperfect.  I can't be other than what I am.  I can't do things by half measures. 

I'll do what I have to in order to prove that I am not the past.  I am not like everyone else, similarities though there may sometimes be.  I am me, and no one else.  I play by my rules, and no others.  I don't break my promises, even the ones I'm released from keeping.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Doing Better

I'm doing better, if not great.  I worked some things out with Cheryl, and we're back together with a newly defined relationship.  I don't know how this is going to work, but we'll see.  Most of our problems stemmed from some misunderstandings that we've taken care of, so we'll see.  That past week or so things have been okay, but time will tell.  Maybe I've made a mistake here in breaking one of my rules.  Six months isn't much time in the long run, but it took me a year and half to get to that six months.  Anyway, like I said, we'll see. 

Anyway, next month we are getting a cabin in Gatlinburg, TN for a weekend.  We'll be staying there Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights.  I've got an extra pay check next month, along with a quarterly bonus coming so it shouldn't hurt me in the finaces department.

By next Thursday I will be finished with the current semester at school.  I'll have the whole summer off.  I've got a lot of things to do, starting with deciding whether I'll renew my lease in August or move on.  That will depend on a lot of things, including what the contractors say about my/my grandfather's house.  I'm also going to apply at a couple of places and see if I can get out of WalMart.  That place is going to kill me.

I feel like I'm kind of in a transition place in life again, but I don't know where it's going.  I'm trying to stay positive and just go with the flow for a while, putting on the breaks when I need too.   

Monday, April 23, 2007

I don't know how to stop it

I don't know how to stop this hurt, and I don't know how to live with it.  This shit just not funny anyway more.  I did this once, I don't know how I'm going to do it again.  It like rolling that rock up that mountain and having the damn thing roll back down again every time you are near the top.

Work was horrible last night.  I kept feeling like I was going to be sick, but nothing ever happened.  At one point my boss wanted to send me home because of the way I was looking (and we were already a few people short, so you can imagine). 

I felt bad being around all those people who expected me to be in a good mood because I was fresh from a vacation, but there was no way I could be.  I couldn't get 'okay' there.  I just kept feeling worse and worse.

I came home and pretty much went straight to bed.  I woke up around one o'clock this afternoon and made myself go back to bed until five.  I knew if I didn't I would be up for the rest of the day and then all night tonight again. 

It's just bad all around when you feel like this.  All those things that used to make you happy just bring you down even more.  The memories will kill you.  The self-doubt is just as bad.  I can't help but ask, "What did I do wrong?  What did I do to deserve this?"  I feel like a complete failure, and I'm embarrassed that I didn't see this coming.  Oh, I had my doubts sometimes, but I never really gave in to them. 

In the long run the self-doubt is what will get me the worst.  As much as I try to avoid it I'm going to keep second guessing myself, and asking what I did to fuck up so bad.  It took so long to stop doing it last time, and it made me feel terrible.  But it's hard to come to except that there's nothing you can or could have done, even if you already know it.

I'm feeling a little bit better right now.  I guess writing helps.  It always did.  It's good to get this shit out and this is the only place I've got.  That's one of the worst parts of it too.  The one person I could talk to about my problems isn't there anymore. 

I've just got to shake this feeling of hopelessness.  Yesterday I did that okay until I left school.  A friend in class came and sat next to me and we talked and flirted.  It was nice.  She even bought me dinner at the campus cafeteria.  We talked for a couple of hours and the subject of my problem almost never came up, which  was good.  Unfortunately, as soon as I was in the car on my way home, guess where my thoughts went? 

Every time I have free moment to think, here it comes.  And that's all I've got at work.  I used to be able to listen to my iPod and distract myself with some music, but I can't even do that now thanks to WalMart's new policies.  If I can stay distracted I'm okay.  But the minute I'm not focused on something, I'm screwed. 

Reading has helped the most, I guess.  It's still there when I read, but only in the back of my mind.  It's better than dwelling on it.  I just don't want to slip into that void where most of my existence is in my imagination.  That's just escapism, but maybe I need an escape.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

This Sucks

I don't know what else to say about it, this just sucks.  I talked to her yesterday, and a little today.  The only conclusion I can come to is that she's fucking crazy.  I don't know what her deal is, but it's hurting me.  Oh, well.  If she doesn't want to be with me, she won't be now.  It's over, and I don't go back on things like that.  I don't need the drama in my life. 

It still fucking hurts though.  Bad, too.  It hurts and it pisses me off that she wanted to take our relationship to the level we had, and then she didn't want that.  First I wasn't paying her enough attention.  I wasn't showing her how deeply I cared.  Then when I did, it was too much. 

I think I'm starting to agree with her last two boyfriends.  I don't think anyone is going to be able to make her happy. 

Oh, she's taking all the blame on herself too.  She's says she's just fucked up and needs to be alone, but that it's too hard.  Whatever. 

Personally, I think she just doesn't want to be with me anymore.  I don't think it's anything more than that, plain and simple.  I don't she feels like she needs to be alone, or that she can't be happy.  I think she just doesn't see herself happy with me.  Wasn't happy with me, even while saying things like, "You're too good for me."

I've heard that before.  Maybe she even means it.  But I doubt it.  And a part of me hates her for it because there is nothing I can do now.  Not a damned thing. 

Six months of effort.  Six months of getting over my past.  Six months of doing all the things you have to do make it work.  Six months down the fucking drain. 

But what's six months, right?  In ten years, what will six months matter?  I don't really know.  I hope nothing.  But I know that's not true.  I'll always remember it, and it'll always hurt.  I just need some distance now, and that means waiting for time to pass.  Time. 

It's like a kick in the gut.  It just takes the breath away, and I want to curl up into a ball and just suffer.  I've been here before.  I never wanted to be here again.  I tried keeping my distance to avoid it.  And she was suffering because of that.  She told me so, and I could see it.  So I allowed my self to really open up. 

Look what it got me.  No wonder some many people hate love.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Back to Square One

I don't know what went wrong.  Long story short is that she wanted me to make a serious commitment, and after thinking long and hard about it, I did.  Then about a month later she realized it would have to be a two way street and she wanted out.  She didn't say it like that, but it was obvious.  So I ended it, and I told her that was it.  There is no going back.  I won't be hurt, take her back, be hurt, take her back, be hurt, etc. etc. 

I like what we had.  I LOVED what we had.  It was the best relationship I've ever had.  She gave me what I wanted for as long as she could, and now it's over.  And I don't know what to do but feel like shit.  Absolute.  Total.  Shit.

It hurts, like it always will.  I did have something special for a little while, but I guess 'we' didn't have something special.  And that's what it takes.  That's what will make you stick it out and make it work.  It wasn't there for her, so there you go.

I'm going to feel very bad for a while.  I don't know how long, but I'll probably retreat back into my fortress of solitude here in cyber space like I did before. 

Maybe it won't last as long this time.  I have to admit the hurt isn't near as bad, but it's worse than I wanted to ever feel again. 

I've read that depression is rage turned inward.  That makes sense.  I'm hating myself right now for hating myself for letting myself feel for someone again.  I shouldn't feel bad for having feelings, but right now I do.  It'll pass.  In time.  It's still so sad, though.  So tragic in it's own little way. 

And I was having such a good week, too.

I'm not going to do anything stupid, so don't worry.  No drinking when depressed.  That's one rule I've learned to follow.  Walk away when you can't win.  Don't cry until she's out the door...

You know what I regret the most?  I didn't keep any kind of record of thehappy moments.  I used to write about everything that happened to me somewhere, but I stopped.  Now I don't have any record at all.  There's another lesson. 

Fuck, we never even got around to taking a picture together.  God damn that's depressing.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

If ever there was a night...

If ever I came close to taking another human life, tonight was the night.  I find it oddly comforting that I could circumvent the amount of rage I felt and channel it into something else besides violence.  It was interesting, at the very least. 

I was hit with the most painful thing I could have been hit with tonight, and I held my own.  I parried, and rather well.  And while I had to walk away, beat the punching bag in my trunk until my fist felt like they would split, and listen to loud music so I could scream in anger and pain, I survived something that I might not have if it had happened a few months earlier.

It's uncanny the pain a human being can take, whether emotional or physical, but it is staggering.  Literally, to those of us who have had the displeasure to experience it. 

I am stronger now than I have ever been.  She can hurt me.  Boy, can she hurt me.  But she can't make me doubt my ability to take it anymore.   And that, my friend, is true victory. 

Sunday, March 4, 2007

My Wonderful Day

I should be at school, or at least almost there by now. But that's not happening. Here's why.

I needed to pick up a few things so I decided to go by WalMart's Neighborhood Market because it's close to my apartment and they do cheap money orders (I need to pay the rent). So I grab what I need, nix the money order because the line is too long, skip the short line because it is CASH ONLY, and go to one of the self-checkout registers. No big deal, right?

Wrong. I scan my ice cream and slide it down to the bags. I scan my two liter...and apparently it was the wrong weight and the machine started screaming "try again, try again." So I tried again. And it scanned. I roll it, and TRY to scan the second two liter. It won't scan. Then the whole machine freezes up and says assistence is on the way. I wait. And wait. And wait.

Finally I took a page out of my grandfather's book and left the shit there and walked out. Fuck WalMart. Fuck them in the ass.

I decided then to make the five minute longer trip to Publix. The prices are a bit higher, but they have enough human cashiers that you can check out without standing in line for twenty minutes. I got everything I need except the ice cream (I didn't really need it anyway) and checked out. Four two liter drinks, a pound of hamburger meat, a box of hamburger helper, a gallon of milk, 12 packages of ramen noodles and all of it for under twenty bucks. I pay, the kid bagging the stuff puts the last bag into my shopping cart, and then the kid looks at me and says, "Need any help carrying that out, Sir?"

You've got to be fucking kidding me? This kid is half my size and he is asking me if I need help getting less than twenty dollars worth of groceries to my car by myself?

I looked at him, arched one of my eyebrow, and realize he is dead serious or has the best poker face I have ever seen. Then I smiled, said, "No thanks, I think I can handle it," and walked out.

All in all I'm thinking of sticking to doing all of my grocery shopping at Publix from now on. It was just a more pleasant and quick experience.

Just now though I'm thinking of having a few beers and calling out of work.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Day after day I'm more confused.....

God damn it, but I still love her....