Friday, June 16, 2006


I made the three hour or so trip to get her, an then the three hour trip back.  I always called her Jenni, but I suppose Jennifer or Jen will work too.  I've known her for a long time. 

And once I loved her.

While she was here it was great.  There were tears and smiles.  Some things were easy, and some hard.  My emotions were so conflicted.  I never wanted to stop holding her, but at the same time I didn't want to feel like I had to hold her. 

But she knew what she felt, and she gave herself completely.  No one has ever done that for me before.  It was both terrifying and exhilarating.  I tried to push her away at times.  I wanted her to go home.  And I didn't.  I was so conflicted.  I didn't know what I want.  I still don't.

She's gone now.  She's gone.  And I think she took a part of me with her. 

I took her back to her aunt's house outside of Atlanta, and she is on, or about to get on, a plane back to her home outside of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.  I don't want her to go.  I want her here.  How could I have wanted her to go?

I walked into my apartment this morning for the first time since she left, and I had to look in every room to be sure she was really gone.  And then it hit me.  She's really gone.  I feel this barely controllable despair.  I don't know what to do.

She wants to come back.  She says she loves me, and that she'll do whatever it takes to get me.  I hope I can stop fighting her, because right now I need her more than anyone.  For the first time it's not Stephanie.  She's still there too, but she's not the one who I see in my arms anymore.  I see the one who was really there. 

"Three months," she said this morning when she called me on her way to the airport.  Three months and then she would hopefully have moved in with her aunt in Atlanta.  I hope it's true. 

I don't want to get hurt again.  I think that's what's holding me back.  

I just don't know for sure.  I needed more time.  Hopefully in the coming months I'll get the time I need.  I want her to be a part of my life.  I just don't know how big a part yet.   

Friday, June 9, 2006


I am feeling really, extremely, nervous right now.  I mentioned that I am driving to Georgia to pick up a friend of mine next week for a couple of days.  Well, plans have changed a little bit.  We're both sick of waiting so I am going to pick her up Sunday instead of Tuesday.  So she'll be here for five days.  This is a good thing.

So why am I so fucking nervous?  I don't really know.  I guess that it is just going to be kind of weird.  I'm such a solitary person.  But it shouldn't matter.  This is someone I've known for longer than I've had this journal.  I'm really looking forward to it, and I'm really excited.  But I'm nervous. 

I have worries, and I know she does too.  But I think it will be okay.  I just need to chill.  On top of this trip, something absolutely insane happened Wednesday night.

My brother, Ryan, who is visiting from California, was shot.  I'm not kidding.  One bullet skimmed across his back (under the skin, but missing spine and vital organs) and another went through his leg, breaking the bone.  Apparently he was with my other brother Daniel driving around.  Daniel had gone to meet one of his friends who had been beaten up the night before.  They met him at WalMart (but not the one I work at), and apparently so did some people who didn't like them.  My brother said they got out of there, but that they were chased and shot at. 

Why they didn't go directly to the police at this point I can't fathom, but they lost the cars chasing them and pulled over.  They all got out of their cars and my brother said he told his friend he was getting out of there.  Right then two cars came creeping by and started unloading.  My brother Ryan, being the stupid, overly brave seventeen year old he his ran at one of the cars with a baseball bat and was hit twice.  Someone else was hit one in the stomach. 

I got the call and rushed to the hospital.  They're both going to be fine, but my brother needs a lot of work on his leg.  He'll get that in the morning.  I didn't go to work tonight, because frankly I needed to have a drink or too.  I lied to my boss and said I had to go to the hospital, but that fucker has lied to me too, so turn around is fair play.  I can't even use my sick time without a doctor's note, and I can't afford doctors, so fuck them twice over.  I don't like my work, as you can see.  Should have joined the army.

Anyway, all of this has me a little on edge.  I'm hoping that my friend being here is going to help me relax.  It's going to be tough for both of us when she has to leave, but she is going to have too.  We both have too much to do.  She's got plans and she needs to go home and reach her goals first. 

Still, it's going to be nice for both of us.  We both need someone we can trust and be close to, even if it's for only a little while.  I'm really looking forward to it.  But that doesn't mean I'm not nervous, because I am very nervous.  This is going to be a first for me.

Oh, they caught the guys who shot my brother.  A couple of guys who were carrying stolen guns (of course).  They're both on parole and have numerous youthful and adult convictions.  Fucking figures. 

Here's a note to parent's:  If you fuck-up, adult child is going to live at home keep your fucking gun put up and out of they're reach, cause otherwise you're enabling a known criminal. 

Well, as with all rights, there are those who are going to abuse them.  Fucking idiots are lucky someone who knew what they were doing was there.  The only reason they didn't hit more people was that the fucking morons were holding their guns sideways like some gansta-gansta in a movie. 

And answer me this, why would you shoot at a bunch of people who know who you are?  It's not like the cops are not going to find you.  Or, as in this particular case, one of your friends who is going to spill his guts for every bit of leniency he can get? 

To all criminals:  Please, don't stop being stupid. 

Thursday, June 8, 2006

Midnight Mayhem

I just finished watching Firewall.  While it isn't the best movie, it is worth renting.  It is definitely a thriller that keeps you guessing.  I really like Harrison Ford's character.  He's the type of person who won't give up and give in.  I also recently watched Underworld:  Evolution.  It's the sequel to Underworld, which is a vampire vs. werewolves movie.  This one picks up where the other left off, and it is also very good if you're into that type of thing.  I really liked the first and I'm impressed with the sequel.

I slept all day yesterday because I was on the phone all night with a friend of mine. She's from Pennsylvania but is visiting her aunt in Georgia for a couple of weeks.  We've been trying to get together for a while now, so next Tuesday I am going to make the three hour drive to pick her up.  She's going to stay with me a couple of nights and then I'll take her back to her aunt's sometime Thursday.  We're both really excited and sick of waiting, but it's only a couple of more days. 

Hopefully we'll have a lot of fun.  We'll probably go out, play some pool, rent some movies, hang out by the pool here, etc.  It'll be a nice change from the typical monotony around here.  It's sucks that she'll only be able to stay such a short time, but it's better than nothing.  This is the best opportunity we've had in a while since she lives so far away.

July Fourth I start my vacation.  The Fourth is on a Tuesday, and so I am already off.  I'll have my normal weekend, then five days off, then my normal weekend again for a total of nine days away from work.  It's going to be sweet.  I don't really have any plans.  If I can work some more over-time I might go to Mississippi for a couple of days to hit the poker tables again.  I might also hang out with a friend of mine who will probably be needing someone she can count on soon.  Tough times for her.  It really sucks.

Anyway, that's about it.  Oh, except I ate one of those monster thick burgers from Hardee's a few hours ago and I still feel stuffed.  Those things are good. 

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

Interesting Data Concerning RTC (Right To Carry) Laws

Here is an NRA-ILA fact sheet concerning RTC laws in the United States.  It has some interesting data, in my opinion.  Of course, if you are more on the gun control side you'd probably be more interested in the Brady Campaign website.  I'm not, so if you want that, google it.  I'm very, very, extremely biased on this issue.

NRA-ILA :: Fact Sheets

Thursday, June 1, 2006

A Couple of Movies

Okay, I watched a couple of movies that I rented last night and I'd now like to render my opinions.

Freedomland was a pretty good movie.  I've seen better, but the acting was superb, in my opinion.  It's rare that we get to see Sam Jackson in a truly serious role where he shines instead of just being the type-cast wise ass black dude.  Here he actually seemed like a real human being.  He wasn't Shaft, he was just a man.  Julianne Moore did a good job of playing mentally unstable fruit bat as well.  I recommend it for a slow night, but be warned that your attention may drift at times.

Match Point is by far one of the best movies I have seen in a long time.  It is indeed better to be lucky than good, as this movie proves time and again.  I might just have to buy this one.  The acting was good great, and the scenery was a nice change (I admit I like London over New York or L.A. any day).  Everyone should see this, as it's worth a week night on the couch.

And that, as they say, is how the cookie crumbles.

Friends will save your life...

When I look at my life and wonder why I'm sticking around I think about people I care about.  If I wasn't here who'd give them that card that puts a smile on their face when they've had a bad week at work.  When they are going through a painful time, who else is going to stop worrying about their own problems enough to actually care. 

I'm fucked up.  Nothing can save me from fate.  But maybe I can save someone else.

If I can make one person laugh, make one person smile, make one person angry enough to keep fighting just one more day, then maybe I've done some good.  Maybe I'll find my reward at the end of the line.  Maybe I'll never get to the end of the line.  But at least I can make sure that someone does.