Sunday, April 30, 2006

I'm throwing in the towel...

I give up.  I'm not struggling anymore. 

I talked to Stacy Friday.  It was just basically a "How ya doin'?" conversation.  She said she'd been really busy all week and had finals this coming week.  She's having to retake the test she was studying for last week, blah, blah, blah.  I saw her Saturday morning when me and the guys went for breakfast.  When I left I asked her if she wanted to do something after she got off work.  She said, "Yeah, sleep."

That's that.  I've taken as much as I can take and I'm not going to take anymore.  I am through trying.  She's got my number so she can call me if/when her schedule eases up.  In the meantime I've got better things to do than worry about if she is going to want to do something sometime.  Life goes on.

Fucking pisses me off, disappoints me, and about a hundred other things.  But what ya gonna do?

Thursday, April 27, 2006

I'm in that kind of mood...

I loved this the first time I ever read it and I love it more now.

Girls--have a sense of humor! (plz)

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 

All Good Things

My off days are Tuesday and Wednesday, and so for the past couple of days I've been feeling pretty good.  Not great, but good.  Mostly, things have not been bothering me as they were before.  But that kind of went out the window today.  I'm starting to worry again and feel depressed about having to go back to work.

I hate work, but who doesn't?  It's not like it's hard, or all that stressful anymore.  I just don't care anymore so the stress is gone.  But for some reason I feel like I'm going to the execution chamber when it's time to go back.  I don't really understand it.  Maybe there is some underlying anxiety there that I am just not seeing.  Or maybe I am seeing it.

There is, of course, something else on my mind that is bothering me that I've been pretty much ignoring until today.  I'm a little worried about being asked about Stacy by Josh and Shane, the guys I eat breakfast with on Saturdays.  And I'm nervous about Saturday morning, because that will probably be the first time I will have seen or spoken to Stacy since last week. 

I don't know what happened or went wrong, if anything did.  I'm in that state of not understanding that I fucking cannot stand.  And I really, really don't want to call her.  But right now, I feel like I just might.  Did I do something to piss her off?  Only one way to find out.  Is she suddenly not interested?  I deserve to be told that instead of just being ignored.

Is she waiting for me to call?  Is she too busy to call me?  Is she mad at me for something?  Did she realize I'm not what she thought?  Did she meet someone better?  Am I worrying about nothing?  Am I being bothered by something that should just roll off my shoulders? 

You know what?  I'm going to take a shower and shave.  Hopefully after that I will feel better.  And I might even call Stacy.  I'll probably call Stacy.  Hmmm.  I think she has clinicals today so I think I should probably call tomorrow if I do.  Just trying to be courteous.  Fuck, maybe I should just wait until Saturday?  You see, I really don't know what to do. 

I don't like this.  I don't like playing games.  I don't like being ignored.  And I don't like feeling...inadequate...not good enough.  I suffer from insecurity, I admit it.  I'm usually good at controlling it, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.  I'm not a jealous person.  I don't see the need to be.  But I still have those feelings and worries.  I just don't let them affect me if I can.  Sure, I talk about it here and let all of my worries out, but that is what this journal is for.  This is where I let down the walls.  Let you peek behind the curtain. 

I don't really know what to do.  I might just do the shrug my shoulders cause it doesn't bother me thing.  Fuck it, Shane knows it does.  But he doesn't understand it any better than me. 

You know, I feel like I did something wrong.  But I can't figure out what that is.  And if I try to go with the, "Well, maybe she's just a bitch" train of thought I feel like I'm being unfair to her because I don't know the reasons for what the fuck is going on.  See?  I'm such a nice guy I try to excuse another person's fucked up actions.  I shouldn't, but I can't help it.  I do like this girl.  But maybe she is just not worth liking.   

Sunday, April 23, 2006

It's Almost Funny

Ever notice how every time I add an upbeat or happy entry it's followed by about ten down or pissed off entries? 

Welcome to "My Life" starring me, the pessimistic asshole.

Mixed Signals

I don't understand women.  Never have, never will.  Every time I think I've got even one of them figured out I find out I'm wrong.  I realize this, but it's still frustrating as hell and it's really got me pissed off today.

I'm doing my best not to let things like this bother me, but I'm sorry.  One week she's interested, the next she seems to care less.  I don't know what I should or shouldn't do.  I can't figure it out.  I have no idea what so ever and it's pissing me off. 

I keep telling myself that it's probably just that she is busy as hell.  I can't say that doesn't make sense.  She works two jobs and goes to school.  But I've also got this little voice in the back of my head saying, "Yeah, that's just to convenient."  I don't know.  That's the frustrating part. 

Maybe I'm just an asshole.  

Why can't I be ignored by the ones I don't like, instead of the other way around? 

You know something?  I used to have a rule, "NO BLONDES."  I broke that one the first time with Stephanie.  Ha.  Broke it again this time.  Fuck me.

Maybe I am just an asshole.  Maybe I've been screwed over so much I'm expecting everyone to do it and that I'm worrying or being bothered when I shouldn't be.  At least I'm getting the frustration out on my own and not taking it out on her by being a dick. 

I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't know where I'm going.  Life sucks right now. 

 

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Tonight is going to suck

Sad is the closest I could get to shitty, lonely, and depressed.  I'm feeling absolutely pathetic right now.  Loneliness isn't so bad for the most part unless there is actually a real person who you'd like to be spending your time with.  Any person will do, as long as they are real.  If it's just some pie in the sky, imagined person it's different. It's not so bad then.

I don't really know what I'm talking about.  I'm tired, and I have to work tonight.  I halfway want to call in, but it won't be any different tomorrow.

I'd like to talk to Stacy, but I'll call her tomorrow.  She had to be at school from eight in the morning to eight tonight.  On top of that she thinks she got her roommate's sinus infection.  I'll let her rest.  Hell, maybe she wants me to call.  Tomorrow will do.  It's not like she doesn't have my number. 

Am I sounding utterly desperate?  I admit, I am a little desperate for attention.  This last month I've been getting a decent amount here and there.  And then this past couple of days a couple of different things didn't work out.  Shit happens, but that's life.  I just need to get the fuck out of my apartment, and going to work will be good for that.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Stormy Weather, Stormy Mood

I'm bored, very bored.  And I'm not in the best mood on top of that.  I've hung out with that girl, her name's Stacy, and it's been fun.  I went out to dinner with her and a couple of her friends Easter Sunday and then we had a few beers at her apartment last night.  She only lives a few hundred feet away from me. 

Anyway, we had thought about getting together tonight to hang out, but shit sort of piled up.  She has an assload of homework, she has to be at clinicals three hours earlier than usual (she's a nursing student), etc, etc.  She's going to call me if she gets freed up, but I'm not holding my breath.

Another thing that has me kind of bummed is that this girl is dangerous.  She's sweet, and for some reason is interested in me, but she's also got a history, like all of us.  That history worries me a little, though I try and not let things like that bother me.  I like her.  That's the main problem.  I like her.  

Got to be careful.  Fucking games, I hate them.  But you got to play if you want to win.  

I've got to get out of my apartment for a little while, even if there's a fucking storm brewing outside.  I need some air.  I need some ass too.  And a million bucks, (though I'd settle for three or four grand), and a new car, and a better job, and lower rent....

Needs.  We've all got them.  All right.  So I don't really NEED any of that shit.  But I want it.  What I need is an 'easy' button. 

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Stacey=Blonde Bombshell that just went off on me...

So, I'll just make a long story short.  I got one of those extremely pleasant, but fucking out of this world surprised you get sometimes.  Every Saturday a couple of guys and me go to this little diner for breakfast.  Working there is a very attractive girl named Stacey.  I've had a thing for Stacey since the first time I saw her.  She beautiful.  Hell, she's why we eat there!

So every Saturday, or ever other since she changed her schedule, me and Stacey flirt and tease etc.  Hell, I thought she had a boyfriend.  The first time I saw her she had a ring with a HUGE rock on her finger.  I thought she was definitely engaged.  A couple of weeks later I realize she isn't wearing it.  A couple of weeks after that I get a really good look at...and realize it's fake.  She bought it herself.  Um, set that one down in the memory file entitled, "DUMB ASS ASSUMPTIONS."

Any, I was teasing her one morning and she got kind of playfully mad, as women like to do to drive men insane, so I decided to be cute and drove back to WalMart and bought her a rose.  Which she still has, by the way.  This was about a month ago now, I think.  Maybe not quite that long. 

Didn't I say I was going to keep this short?  Anyway, we did some more teasing and flirting this morning.  And then at the end of the morning she wants my phone number.  She ask me, sorta.  It was kind of through a friend.  But I gave it to her.  Of course I gave it to her.  Who the fuck do you think I am?

Well, I consider this a good fucking day.  And if she wants to hang out tonight?  Fuck, WalMart can survive without me.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

This song always made me think of her...and it still does...

"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you’re far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I’m wondering what you’re dreaming
Wondering if it’s me you’re seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we’re together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

I don’t want to miss one smile
I don’t want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
I don’t want to miss a thing"

This song is the dream I had.  It was a dream that didn't come true.  And every day I'm going to remember that.  I guess I should try and forget.  But I won't.  Hell, it's been eight months and it still hurts to listen to this song.  The last time if felt good listening to it was when I'd asked her out that night and she'd said yes.  That was back when I thought the dream was on the verge of becoming reality.  The the alarm went off and it was time to wake up.

I'm Starved for Attention

I need something to do, so after I eat dinner I think I am going to see Lucky Number Slevin.  I don't really want to go alone, but the last three times I've tried to go to a movie with another person they've canceled on me, etc. 

Tomorrow I'm going to to the paper work to finally get all of my debt consolidated.  That'll be nice.  At least I'll have it done, finally.  I won't have to worry about my medical bills forcing me to go rob a bank.

I also called to see how many miles I'd earned with my Visa United Mileage Plus card.  It's well over 4,000.  Guess what else I found out.  I have to have 25,000 before I can redeem them.  Lovely.  The circumference of the fucking earth is only 24,901.55 miles!!!  If I ever get that many I'm booking a round the world flight.  I won't leave a single airport, I just want to annoy the fuck out of these cock suckers. 

At least I have rib eyes for dinner.  And red potatoes.  And macaroni and cheese.  And sour dough rolls.  And a bottle of wine.  Hmm, maybe I'll skip the movie for the wine.  Cause it's one or the other.  I'm not driving drunk.  And I don't feel like drinking alone, either.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

P.S.S

Since I have On the Road to submit again, due to it's most recent rejection, I'm sending it off to L. Ron Hubbard's Writers of the Future Contest.  You can't fucking keep me down.  Watch it get rejected for being to violent.  Ha!  Then after July 1st I'll send them Satisfaction.

Oh, and I'm working on another story, by the way.  Don't know what I'll call it yet, though.

P.S.

I got a response about one of my stories today.  REJECTED.  Again.  No big deal.  I wasn't exactly expecting anything else.  It's not like I had my hopes up or anything.  Still waiting to hear back from Realms of Fantasy about the other.

You DON'T Have Mail

No mail.  Why is that so depressing?  My cell phone is cut off because I don't have the available cash to pay the bill because I fucked up and went in the negative on my checking account.  Apparently I made a little mistake and put a 5 instead of a 4 in my transaction book.  The lady at the bank said I keep excellent records, which is great, but that the little mistake screwed me over.  They cut my fees in half but it was still a bitch.  Anyway, I still managed to have fifty bucks after all is said and done, but still, it sucks.

I'm going to get the rest of my loan in the next day or two.  I really, really need it now.  I've got to get this shit taken care of.  The guy at the bank says I'm making the right move by consolitdating, but he wishes that for my sake I could make larger payments and pay it off quicker.  Too bad life doesn't work that way, huh?

I want to talk to my friend Jennifer.  We both go to UAB.  Have I talked about her?  We were in that creative writing class I took way back when me and Stephanie were first getting to know each other.  And now that me and Jennifer are getting to know each other better we're both kicking ourselves for not getting together back then.  Fucking figures, doesn't it? 

The problem?  The usual.  She has a boyfriend...a serious one.  But there is definitely a mutual attraction, desire, etc.  She hot.  She is so very hot.  Like SuicideGirl hot.  She's beautiful, gorgeous, and unavailable.  Okay, now what?

It's the same fucking story every time I actually discover, or in the case rediscover, someone I'm really interested in on more than one level.  It's fucked up.  Bad enough this whole Stephanie thing is still kicking me in the nuts on occasion, but now this?

Fuck it.  Like I said, what's new?

Well, for one thing I think I settled on a tattoo...again.  I still like the idea of my name in Elvish, but this one is cool too.  It's a prayer from the movie The Boondock Saints.  I'm thinking it would look good in Gothic lettering on my upper arm coming down from the shoulder.  You're probably wondering what it is, so here you go:

"And shepherds we shall be.

For Thee, my Lord, for Thee.

Power hath descended forth

from Thy hand, that our feet

may swiftly carry out Thy

command.  So we shall flow a

river forth to Thee, and teeming

with souls it shall ever be.

In Nomine Patris, et Fili,

et Spiritus Sancti."

I like, always have.  I'm no Christian, but if I was I would definitely be a Roman Catholic.  It just fits with my personality.  I like the trappings of it, the mysticism, and the ceremony.  Anyway, if you pay attention to the words of the prayer it is a vigilante's prayer.  That's not exactly a Christian sentiment, considering 'render unto Caesar what is Caesar's' and all that.

I love that movie.  I love that prayer, and as soon as I get the money I'm getting one of the crucifixes they wear.  I don't want to hear any shit about alter boys either.  My grandmother was a Catholic, if not a very good one.  I have respect for the religion as I have respect for all religions, even those I hate.  And yes, you can respect something you hate.  It's something you despise you cannot respect.  And besides, the cross is a symbol far older than Christianity.  I'll put a charm on it or something.

Saturday, April 1, 2006

So Alone

The summer after I graduated from high school I went on a cruise with 11 other people I had graduated with.  It was a really wonderful experience.  I loved it.  But there is one memory from that cruise that sticks out more than any other.

One morning while we were about halfway across the Gulf on our way to Mexico from New Orleans I woke up early.  There was almost no one out and about on the entire ship.  I went out on deck and took a seat near the railing and just looked off at the horizon.  The sky met the water, two blues clashing together, and all I could think was how alone I felt.

When you're out in the ocean away from the sight of land there is nothing but a sense of vast emptiness.  It's very lonely, and a bit frightening.  I must have sat at that railing for over and hour.  I can't deny that it was very peaceful, and a beautiful day, but I was also so very alone.  I hate that feeling of being alone.  Day after day I live in fear that that is how it's always going to be.  Even when I'm with other people it can be that way. 

It's that connection to other human beings I'm missing, be it a connection to close friends, family, or something more.   But it's not there, and that is something I just can't deal with.  I don't know how.  I just don't know what to do.  I just want to shut the entire world away.  I want to live in a dream world where I don't feel like this.

I'm stuck out in the middle of the ocean, and while it's a beautiful, peaceful day I am out there all alone with no one to share it with.  Everywhere I turn there is nothing.  Nothing.