Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Life

Finally, I am off again.  I need the break.  I'm going nuts.  Works sucks.  I hate it.  I want to quit.  I can't.  At least I got that raise.  But we are going to have a new manager over the grocery dept. and she is a major bitch.  Ah, well.

I owe my grandfather $550.  There goes most of my tax return.  I mailed that yesterday.  I did my taxes myself with that TurboTax shit.  It was easy, and only cost me about $35.  Most people I talked to were shelling out about $50 or more.  I actually owed Alabama $7.  Fucking cheap bastards.

So I'll get to keep about $280 of what I get back.  But that's okay.  I should be getting a anywhere from $500 to a $1,000 from WalMart in March.  They do a bonus check for the people that work there based on the stores profits.  Some get none, but mine is the best, because I work there.  And I'm the greatest grocery stocker of the all!

Yeah, I realize I'm more free with my financial status than most people, but that's because I could give a shit.  It's not like someone is going to try to steal it or look down on me because of it.  At least I don't think any of my readers would.  But that's me.

I put new wheels and tires on the car I am driving this morning.  They are newer and nicer than the ones I had.  But I also found out the car needs $1,200 worth of work.  My grandfather said, "Well, if it has to be done..."  It's his car, I'm just using it, so he is footing the bill for all this, which is very cool of him. 

I went to class yesterday on two hours of sleep.  It sucked.  Stephanie didn't show up, and she had my book.  She was supposed to bring it back to me.  I'm actually talking to her right now.  She says she'll bring it by sometime today.  No big deal.  I'll get over it. 

Fuck.  I didn't get much sleep after class, so I was tired at work all night.  And on top of that one of the cuter cashier's decided to steal a radio from electronics and come dance in my dept. (she was helping out cause we were short).  I love the way that girl moves.  But I don't love what it did to me.  She was teasing on purpose.  I'll get over it.

 

Robert's Picks...late, of course

Here we go again, late as usual.

What I'm reading:  High Druid of Shannara: Straken by Terry Brooks (good)

                             And All The Saints by Michael Walsh

                             Bowdrie's Law by Louis L'Amour (excellent)

What I'm watching on tv:  Battlestar Galactica Seaon 2  (excellent, but I cheated here...I actually have this on dvd since I don't have the SciFi Channel)

My dvd pick of the week:  Closer (excellent...but based solely upon the script.  I love the dialogue in this film  The acting was good, but the film demanded more visually than the high profile actresses and actors were probably willing to give.  Ultimately the film is about how well we really know the people we love.  The theme is highly sexual, but without the actual sex.  Had it been made fifty years ago, I would say it was excellent overall, but I expect a little more visually in the open society of today.  Film is about seeing a story as much as it is about hearing a story.)

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Surprise, surprise...

Well, I was expecting an emphatic "Fuck no!"  I didn't get it.  I didn't even get a flat "No."  What I got was a surprised look, then an interested look, and then an, "I'll think about it."

My grandfather isn't the "I'll think about it" type.  He's always made quick decisions.  But he is actually going to think this one through.  That's a good sign.

I'm not getting my hopes up.  I'll survive, somehow, if this doesn't work out the way I want it too.  But he is thinking about it.  Hell, at the very least I might be able to get him to cover my medical bills.

Monday, January 23, 2006

An offer he can't refuse....I hope....

I skipped class today.  I didn't want to, honestly, but I was to tired to shave, and if I'm too tired to shave I am not driving, especially in the rain.  I had hoped to get about five hours of sleep, but that didn't work out.  I had something on my mind, and I couldn't stop thinking about.

See, my grandfather has money.  A lot of it.  You wouldn't expect that just looking at him, but it's there, lying around like oil under the ground.  He's pretty stingy with it, and usually only goes for extremely safe investments (like CD's or Treasury bonds). 

In twenty to thirty years, a Treasury bond will double your money.  I intend to do it for him in fifteen if he'll let me.  The fact is, I need money.  On top of that, I am a good investment.  My grades rock, and I won't fail in my long-term goals.  If I've got the time, I could practically do this still working at WalMart though, so it's not fool proof, but it's close.

I've already got it figured out what I would do with the money (only a portion of what he has).  I know where I would invest it, spend it, etc.  I want to wipe out my debt first, set up a Savings Account to pay for school, invest a little in Hasbro Inc., put some more into a couple of CD's, and some other stuff (I want to start earning the money to pay him back immediately, though I'm hoping he'll give me a few years payment free). 

I want him to open up a Savings Account and give me the account number, and when I've made the right number of deposits I can be free and clear.  This would be very long term, for obvious reasons.

The magic number I would need to do all this and pull it off:  $50,000.

The hardest part will convincing him.  But if he's goes for it, I'll turn it into $100,000.  I know I can.  I just have to avoid the mistakes that I've made in the past.  That won't be hard.  I'll just think of it the same way I do my rent.  This money doesn't really exists. 

Saturday, January 21, 2006

I really hate unsolved mysteries...

Around 11:45 last night I walked back onto my aisle to find a note on a shelf.  It didn't say who it was from, just:

Hey Robert!

I left you a present behind the juicy juice!

And then there is a little smiley face.  I looked behind the juicy juice three different times.  I didn't find anything.  I don't think the note could have been there long because I noticed it right away when I saw it.  I tend to notice things out of place.

The handwriting is distinctly female.  I don't think it was anyone I work with, because they would have said something at some point.  The writing looks a lot like Stephanie's, but I'm not sure. 

For all I know this is just someone trying to mess with my head.  I don't really know and that pisses me off.  I'm going to finish my latest Louis L'Amour book and then I am going to bed.  If this was something important I'll hear about it.  If not, I won't and I'll try to forget it. 

Still, it's nagging at the back of my mind. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Fortune Cookie Moment

Life will take you where you need to go.

Right, sure it will.

I'm so bored....So here's a movie quote!

"They say this war's a cloud over the land, but they made the weather, and now they're standing in it saying, 'Shit! It's rainin'!'"

From Cold Mountain.  That's the line I want to scream at my 'friends' sometimes.

School was okay today.  Kind of boring.  Stephanie actually made it to class on time and sat next to me.  We chit-chatted, that's about it.  She had to leave early to pick up her brother from basketball practice. 

I'm not really listening to any music, but that song is stuck in my head because it was on the radio while I was on my way home.  It's a good song.  I like it.

Now I think I'll go watch Transporter 2 and try to figure out what I want for dinner.  Maybe some Chinese take-out, or a three hundred dollar an hour escort. 

Who am I kidding?  I don't think I can afford either.

Life is peachy.

And if you believe that, I've got some beach front property in Arizona I think you'd be interested in.

Ave's Game (my turn)

1.  "Well I guess it would nice/ If I could touch your body." (Faith by Limp Bizkit-No One)

2.  "City's breaking down on a camel's back."  (Feel Good Inc. by Gorillaz-No One)

3.  "Express Yourself."  (Express Yourself by Charle Wright and the Watts 103rd St. Rythym Band-No One)

4.  "There's something there!"  (Mondo Bongo by Joe Strummer and The Mescaleros-No One)

5.  "I came into this world as a reject."  (Nookie by Limp Bizkit-Avril)

6.  "My baby don't mess around because she loves me so and this I know for sure."  (Hey Ya by OutKast-Avril)

7.  "Don't worry about me/ I'm gonna make it all right."  (Fall Back Down by Rancid-No One)

8.  "Well a man came on/ the 6 o'clock news/ said somebody been shot/ somebody's been abused."  (Beer For My Horses by Toby Keith-No One)

9.  "Load up on guns/ bring your friends/ it's fun to lose/ and to pretend."  (Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana-No One)

10.  "Hey you, hey you, devil's little sister listening to your twisted transistor."  (Twisted Transistor by Korn-No One)

11.  "It's just one of those days where you don't want to wake up."  (Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit-No One)

12.  "I wanted you to know/ that I love the way you laugh/ I want to hold you high and steal your pain away."  (Broken by Seether feat. Amy Lee-Avril)

13.  "Whoa, Black Betty."  (Black Betty by Ram Jam-All4eyez)

14.  "Blinded by the light/ revved up like a deuce/ another runner in the night."  (Blinded by the Light by Manfred Mann-All4eyez)

15.  "Momma told me/ when I was young/ come sit beside me/ my only son."  (Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd-All4eyez)

16.  "Shed a tear cause I'm missin' you/ I'm still all right to smile."  (Patience by Guns 'N Roses-No One)

17.  "I've seen you hanging round/ this darkness where I'm bound/ and this black hole I've dug for me."  (Falls On Me by Fuel-No One)

18.  "I would swallow my pride/ I would choke on the rinds/ but the lack there of would leave me empty inside."  (Inside Out by Eve 6-Avril)

19.  "Let the bodies hit the floor."  (Bodies by Drowning Pool-Avril and All4eyez)

20.  "Look into my eyes/ you will see/ what you mean to me."  ({Everything I do}I do it for you by Bryan Adams-NoOne)

Sorry it took me so long to do that, I've been crazy busy lately.  And thanks for playing.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Robert's Picks

I missed last week, and I have not done much of anything in a while.  I've been reading a lot, or watching tv.  I need a new dvd player.  The one I have is no longer reading my cheaper dvds.  Fucking bullshit.  Anyway...

I am reading:  Silence of the Lambs by Thomas Harris (excellent)

                      Son of a Wanted Man by Louis L'Amour (good)

On tv, I'm watching:   The District (excellent)

                                 Nash Bridges (good)

My dvd pick of the week:  Mad Max, Beyond Thunderdome (excellent)

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Second Day of Class

It wasn't bad.  Stephanie was there.  We didn't sit together, but I think that had more to do with her being late than anything else.  We chatted after class a little.  She basically treated me no differently than she always has. 

I guess I just kind of feel numb to the whole thing right now.  I had a crazy dream last night that has been on my mind all day.  It's kind of desensitized me a bit, I guess.  At least for the time being.  We'll see how that goes. 

I went to the mall earlier today.  There were a lot of sales.  I bought this nice button down from Express.  It costs me about twenty bucks (marked down from fifty-five, probably made for a few cents in Southeast Asia like the rest of my nice button downs..lol).  And I also bought some stuff from Sears since I have plenty of credit with them.  I bought a new pair of jeans (I've gone from a 38 or 40 in the waste to a 34).  I also got a couple of shirts, and a new leather jacket that was on sale.  This one is made by Structure.  It's black, kind of distressed, and in the motorcycle style (not biker!) with the round collar.  It's nice, and very sleek.  I also bought some towels, cause I really need them.  I want to get matching wooden hangers for my bedroom closet, but they didn't have them.  Total bummer.  But I will survive.

I don't think I'm going to do anything tonight.  Maybe cook myself a nice dinner.  Other than that, I don't really plan on doing anything except going to pick up my check at midnight.  I might even nap until then.  I just don't know what I want to do.  I guess I could cook dinner and rent some movies.  That would be kind of nice.  Sounds like a plan.  To bad I'll be doing it alone. 

Well, fuck.  I've been alone all my life.  I might as well get used to it.  It seems to be my fate for the foreseeable future.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

You can run, but you can't hide...

Guess who just called to tell me she is also in Philosophy of Law, and that she skipped class because she was afraid of scaring me off?  I can't fucking win, can I? 

You know what the worst part is?  I was there when  she signed up for the class, but I had forgotten.  I can't believe I forgot.  I could have taken something else.  But my mind slipped, and now I'm stuck.  I can't get out of this. 

I just hope she doesn't treat me like a stranger.  That would hurt, but I'd probably deserve it. 

Monday, January 9, 2006

First Class

My first class went okay, except for the lack of sleep.  I've had less than two hours.  Work's really going to suck tonight.  I still don't feel much better, but I've got some hope for the moment. 

My new teacher seems interesting enough, and so does the class (Philosophy of Law).  He's not dry and long-winded, and he seems to have a pretty good sense of humor.  The class is a lot larger than I expected, and pretty diverse.  It should make for some interesting discussions. 

I've paid my tuition and fees.  Now all I have to do it buy my book.  Then I'll have pretty much maxed out another credit card.  Wonderful.  Well, I think I'm going to watch some tv and try and get a little sleep. 

God, I love that girl.  I wish she could feel how much I love her.  Maybe if she could feel that, she would understand why it hurts me so much.  Why can't the girl be a fucking empath and make my life easier?  Oh, no.

As Zedd always says, "Nothing is ever easy."

I keep asking myself...

I keep asking myself why I did it.  Why did I drop those classes, why did I tell Stephanie I needed distance?  Why?  Why would I do that?  I want to know because I want to offer her some kind of explanation, some reason why I hurt her by walking away. 

Well, I was lying there on my couch thinking about it.  I try not too, but I can't help it.  And the reason is this:  Every time I look into Stephanie's eyes, every time I hear her voice, every time I make her laugh, I fall in love with her all over again.  And every single time I get my heart broken all over again.

That's it, plain and simple.  And it hurts so bad.  And now I just can't control myself anymore.  I can't stop crying.  I'm a grown man and can't stop crying. 

The worst part is, I'm all alone.  There's no one to hold me while I cry.  There's no one to offer a hung or a few kind words or even a pat on the back.  I'm all alone.  I'm always alone.  I don't want to be alone anymore. 

My life is completely out of control, and I don't know what to do about it.  I feel like I'm trying to land a plane blindfolded. 

Here's something...

I went to check my mail, expecting bills bills bills, and I found two pleasant surprises.  One was the print I bought.  It's not the greatest quality, but it is still very nice.  I'm going to get a frame for it as soon as I get the chance. 

The second surprise was a letter from my pen pal, Tahiru.  She lives in Ghana, which a country in West Africa.  I received a letter from her months after I had moved.  I wrote to her a while back, but I wasn't really expecting a response.  I got one though, and she was happy to get my letter.  She says she sent a second out after the first, but I never got it.  I don't know if it ever arrived at my grandfather's house.

Her letter was short, only one page, but the energy in it kind of leaps out at you.  She said my letter motivated her and gave her hope for the future.  Her country is pretty poor, and when I read that in her first letter I said in mine that "even my country was poor in the beginning."  She liked that a lot. 

She also told me that education there is a game of chance because of poverty.  The same could be said about American schools, at least at the college level.  But I think it is worse there.  She said there is a lot of nepotism and corruption in her country.  Again, I think the same could be said of this country, but it is probably much worse there.  I think the fact that the U.S. has such a high quality of life that we generally over look things like that. 

I'm going to write her back soon.  In the meantime, she wishes me to extend her greetings to all my friends.

Does this make sense?

All I want to do is put my arms around her and never let her go.  I can't do that, and she doesn't want that.  Can't she understand that all I want in this world right now is her?  Can't she understand that that's what would make me happy?

And I know I can't get that.  I know I can't get that happiness.  And because I know that, I have to walk away.  I have to find the place where I can find my happiness.  She has found hers, and I'm glad for that.  I'm also terribly sad that it wasn't with me.  I think it's my turn to find happiness now.

Doesn't she understand that if I have to let her go, then she is going to have to let me go too? 

I've been a good friend to her because I love her.  It started out as something else, but the potential was there and that's what it grew into.  That little itty bitty spark was there from the first time I saw her.

How can I give that love up, and not lose what resulted from it too? 

I'll always be there if she needs me.  I'll always be happy to see her.  And I'll always be her friend.  But there is something missing from my life, and she can't give it to me.  Until I find it, being happy is not something I'm going to be able to do. 

I don't feel resentment toward her, or even anger.  It comes sometimes, but it's gone quickly and really meaningless.  I don't blame her for the way I feel.  I don't want her to feel guilty for how I feel.  But I do need to her to realize it, believe it, and accept it.  Because it's me, and if she doesn't accept that then she doesn't accept me.

Why is it that the one person I love more than anything in this world, who I would do anything in my power for, asks for the one thing I can't do?

How can I not love her, and be the person I've always been to her?  If I give up that, I give up the person I am. 

Sunday, January 8, 2006

Tossin' and Turnin'

I guess "grumpy" would be a better word for my mood. 

I went and did some target practice today with my .45 after I got off work.  It was nice to finally get out and do it.  It's been such a long time.  But my aim hasn't suffered.  I think the dry firing I do at home home is helping.  I'm no marksmen, but I'll hit someone right in the numbers if I have too, no problem. 

After I got home I cleaned my gun and then did a little writing in my pen and paper journal.  I've been trying to to write in it regularly.  After this whole thing with Stephanie went down I couldn't bring myself to write in it.  I've always viewed it as something I'll leave behind when I'm gone, and that was probably my most humiliating and painful experience.  Still is, to be honest.  Will be for a long time, I think.

Anyway, after I finally got to bed I spent hours tossing and turning.  It sucked.  Now I'm up, and I don't feel so hot.  I'm tired and cranky.  I had a bad night at work last night, and tonight won't be much better.  On top of that, I've got my first day of class tomorrow.  I can't say I'm particularly looking forward to it. 

As a matter of fact, I just made a decision.  I'm not taking.  I'm going to UAB tomorrow to drop it.  I'm too fucked up to concentrate on school right now.  I'll get back to it either this summer if I get some money, or this fall. 

Another thing I think deserves mention.  I think I'm going to have to forgive John a lot.  Not what happened New Years, but a lot of his distraction.  I didn't really see it, because of my own problems, but he is having a really hard time.  He's worried about his marriage.  He loves Jennifer a lot, but she has gotten them into a horrible financial situation.  She's had credit cards he didn't even know about and she basically stopped paying there credit card bills.   It's got him pissed on the one hand, and wondering if he can really make a future with her on the other. 

I have to admit, I'm a little worried about him.  He's getting that same look and feeling I've got, like he is completely lost and not sure what to do.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I admit I'm worried.  We've been friends for a long time, so we'll see.  I don't know myself.  I'm still going to do my damnedest to meet some other people all around.  It's better that way, if I branch out like that.

Okay, I'm having second thoughts about the school thing already.  I'm going to have to sit through a class or two before I decide.  So I'll go this week, and if it seems worth it, I'll keep going. 

Nothing is ever easy.

I always liked this song....

Life Goes On
(Del Gray/Thom McHugh/Keith Follese)



Sun comes up sun goes down
This ol' world keeps spinnin' around
Not much has changed since you been gone
I miss you honey but life goes on

It's nice to see
You still think about me
But don't worry about my heart
Thanks for the call
Yeah I took a fall
But I didn't fall apart

Sun comes up sun goes down
This ol' world keeps spinnin' around
Not much has changed since you been gone
I miss you honey but life goes on

You say you can tell
That I'm doin' well
By the sound of my voice
What'd you expect
Baby when you left
You left me no choice

Sun comes up sun goes down
This ol' world keeps spinnin' around
Not much has changed since you been gone
I miss you honey but life goes on

Thanks to you
Sayin' we're through
I've gotten good at gettin' by
I don't know when
But I'll love again
It's just a matter of time

Sun comes up sun goes down
This ol' world keeps spinnin' around
Not much has changed since you been gone
I miss you honey but life goes on
I miss you honey but life goes on
I miss you honey but life goes on

Murphy's Law...again...

I talked to John and Jennifer when they came by to give me the tools I had lent them last week.  And the subject of Stephanie came up...and well, you see the title of the song.  I didn't want things to go this way.

She's mad that I can't just be happy for her.  I'm happy for her.  I'm just not happy about it.  There's a distinction there that she doesn't seem to get.  Maybe I'm splitting thin hairs, I don't know.  It doesn't matter.  Either we'll be okay one day, or we won't.  I didn't want this to happen, and I tried to prevent it.

I'm sorry if I hurt her.  I never wanted that.  But I won't pretend to like her boyfriend, and I won't pretend to be happy when she's with that traitor and not me.  I love her.  I'm glad she's found happiness.  But I need to find it too.  And I can't find it with her, much as I want to. 

So there you have it.  She fucking hates me.

Saturday, January 7, 2006

I can be angry too...

"Fear leads to anger.  Anger leads to hate.  Hate leads to suffering."

Well, it wasn't exactly my choice, now was it?

I always wanted one of those crimson lightsabers.

Well, now what?

I called Stephanie again last night because I never heard from her.  I left her another message, because I got her voicemail.  I just told her to call me before I went to work or sometime today.  I don't know if I'm going to hear from her.  And I don't know how to feel about that.  On the one hand, I feel really sad.  On the other, I don't like playing games with people.  If I hurt her or made her mad, and she wants me to do anything about it, she needs to tell me.  I'll do anything for her that I can, but I'm not calling her again.  I'm through.  I don't want to be, but maybe we both need time.  And maybe we'll be okay after.  And maybe not.  I don't know anymore.

Friday, January 6, 2006

Waking up at night always equals a bad mood...

I don't feel so hot.  I'm feeling fucked up emotionally, and I think that is screwing me up physically as well.  Waking up at night doesn't help.  Nor does the fact that I'm worried. 

Worried.  I always worry.  It grinds on you.  It's not a very good state of mind.  But there it is, just the same.  I'm worried that I hurt Stephanie.  I'm worried we aren't going to be friends like we used to be.  I'm worried about everything.  I've lost so much recently that I never wanted to lose. 

I don't know how to move on from this.  I really don't.  I don't even know where to start.  I have no idea.  Every time I make plans to do something I usually just shrug my shoulders when the time comes and watch tv.  I've got to break that habit.

I really need some happiness in my life right now.  A lot of it.  I just don't know how to get it.  I need something to get my mind off of all this shit.  I wish I had some money so I could take a vacation.  I don't know if it would help, but maybe seeing some of my family in California would. 

I don't know what to do.  I don't know where, when, why, or what.  I'm barely holding it together.  I almost broke down at work last night.  It's mindless work, so all I do all night is dwell on all my bad memories and thoughts.  I try not too, but even when I think of better times I remember that they went bad in the end. 

I need to catch a break.  A big one.  If I don't soon, I don't know how I'm going to keep going on.  I think that more than anything I am afraid right now.  I'm afraid of the dark and the loneliness.  I don't want to be alone anymore.  Almost makes me want to join the army.  I'd almost never be alone then.  Ha.  Fat chance.

I've got to get someone new into my life.  I have too.  This alone shit's just not going to cut it.  I'm going to go nuts or something. 

I should have went to sleep hours ago...

But I was too busy watching tv...and kind of hoping for/dreading a call from Stephanie.  I kind of feel bad, and I kind of feel like throwing my hands up in the air.  I don't know what, if anything, this girl wants from me.  I can't just turn my feelings off.  She's got to realize that.  If she wants me as just a friend, she's going to have to live with that.  And with the fact that I need to deal with these feelings somehow.  I don't know how.  I wish I did.  But I don't.  I don't know anything.

I think I'm going to try sleeping in my own bed today.  I have not done that in over a week.  I do that sometimes, just crash on my couch.  I think it's my comfort, not comfortable zone.  I don't know.  Sometimes I get into my bed and I feel like a failure because I'm all alone.  Isn't that kind of funny?   Yeah, neurotic is probably a better word for it. 

So I'm nuts.  I've known that for a while.  I just don't have any idea what to do about it.  There is so much I want to do and experience in this world.  When I think of everything I've never done I get kind of depressed, but also kind of hopeful that I'll do those things.  I want to go sky diving.  Hell, I'd like to go base jumping. 

Best not to dwell on what I don't have.  It leads me down a place I don't feel like going right before bed.  Anyway, good night...or good day...whatever.  I need sleep.

Why do I feel like such an ass?

Last night I heard something that made me laugh my ass off.  Now bear in mind only the first two sentences should be taken seriously.  The last one is to make you laugh, so that you can feel a little better when you are not feeling too good.  It's from one of the guys on Dallas SWAT, a new show on A&E:  "If you love something, let it go.  If it comes back, it's yours.  If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it."

So I was in a fairly decent mood after having my first good laugh in a while.  And then Stephanie called.  The conversation went something like this:

Me:  "Hello?"

Her:  "Hi.  I'm sorry I'm calling, but I needed to talk to you.  It's business."

Me:  "No, that's okay." 

Her:  "So are you going to drop those classes we were taking together?"

Me...a worried...:  "I already did."

Her:  "You already did?"

Me:  "Yeah."

Her:  "Okay, bye."

Me:  "No wait-"

"Click"

Fuck.  I tried calling her right back.  She seemed a little upset, but I wasn't sure since I couldn't see her.  But it wasn't her usual goodbye either.  She didn't give me a chance to say anything else.

So I tried calling her right back.  I wanted to give her a little more explanation.  The first time the call wouldn't connect.  It's happened before when I tried calling her, so I tried again.  It rang a couple of times and then it sounded like someone answered and hung right back up.  Now I was even more worried.  I called again.  This time the call went right to her voicemail.  I left her a message...a long one...telling her I needed to talk to her...that I was going to have to drop one of the classes because I couldn't afford it anyway...that I want nothing more than to spend every minute with her that I can...I stuttered a little bit...I finally just told her "Please, please, just call me back in the morning."

I have not heard from her yet.  I'm worried that I won't.  I'm not even sure if she was upset.  I mean, for all I know, she wasn't upset.  I don't really know.  I just know I've got to talk to her. 

Weak?  Yeah, but I've got to try.  This is the one person I'm terrified of hurting.  I need to know if I did.  And if I did, I need to try and explain.  The reason I need to do that is because that's what I want when I get hurt, an explanation.  Few people give you one, and that hurts worse. 

Maybe I'm making a mistake.  I don't know.  I almost want to beg at least one of the teachers to let me in the class.  Stupid, huh?

In all honesty, I'm not sure if I want to go to school at all this semester, but I don't know what happens to my student status if I don't, cause I won't be going this summer either.  I don't know.

 

Thursday, January 5, 2006

Ever been afraid to go to sleep?

I have.  I get that way a lot, sometimes.  Sleep is a bit of an escape for me.  If I can fall into a deep sleep I can forget.  But in the end, I always wake up.  And I always feel the same thing when I do.  It's like everything comes rushing back in, and it starts all over again. 

Ever wake up from a nightmare with that feeling of relief once you realize everything is okay?  Imagine that, but in reverse.  You wake up and realize that reality is your nightmare.  Have I talked about this before?  I can't really remember.  I know I've been thinking about it a lot. 

And some times sleep is no escape either.  Sometimes my dreams reflect my reality, or are even worse.  Sometimes the feeling of absolute wrongness I'm constantly carrying around with me when I'm awake is there when I'm sleeping too.  I don't like it.  Not one bit. 

I just want to forget everything.  It just hurts so damned much some times.  Why does it have to be this way?  I've never understood that.  For most of my life, I've been alone, on my own.  I've never liked it.  But it's been that way anyway.  Every time I reach out to other people I either screw it up or get hurt somehow.  I'm so tired of that. 

And I'm just tired in general right now.  But it doesn't matter.  I'll be tired when I wake up too.  I almost always am.  Rare is it that I wake up feeling refreshed.  And I never seem to wake up feeling like I am going to have a good day. 

I'm going to try and get some sleep soon.  Later today I want to go to Sears.  I'm going to be looking for some wooden hangers to stream line my closet, and I also need some more towels.  After all the leaks I've had, I only have three left in good condition.  That may seem like enough for one guy, but you can never have enough clean towels. 

Maybe I'll walk around the mall a bit, and see if anyone catches my interest.  It never seems to happen, but who knows? 

Wednesday, January 4, 2006

Here's lookin' at you kid...

My mood is most definitely quiet.  But I'm also feeling sadness.  It's a lingering, bone deep kind of sadness too.  I can't seem to shake it.  And there is loss.  I get this sick feeling in my stomach every time I face the fact, even briefly, that Stephanie is with Jeremy and not me.  These things have always been there.  But this past week or so they've been brought back to the surface with a vengeance.

One thing that is really kind of getting me down is knowing that tomorrow would have been my first day of classes with Stephanie.  I honestly don't know if she even realizes I'm not going to be taking them with her.  I told her I needed distance.  She'll certainly get the point tomorrow.  I just hope it doesn't hurt her.  Yeah, I'm still worried about that, too.

I've been up all night doing laundry and watching Casablanca on dvd.  The clothes needed it, and I'm glad I did it.  I'm also glad I'm watching the movie.  I've just been starting it again when it's over because I'm never in the living room long enough to watch more than a few minutes at a time, and I don't feel like pausing it.  I like the background noise.  It's kind of comforting when you feel alone.  It's not what you need, but it's better than silence. 

I feel so empty and alone all the time.  That's the worst part of it all.  Emptiness and loneliness.  I really don't know what to do about that.  I'm not the type of person who meets people and makes friends easily.  I can't just walk up to someone and strike up a conversation.  I get real nervous and uncomfortable in new places that I've never been before because I feel like I don't belong.  Sometimes that goes away, and sometimes it doesn't. 

I don't really know where to go from here.  I want to do something, but I have no idea what that something is.  I'm starting to wish I would have taken a creative writing class instead of a philosophy class.  And I wish I could afford to take a full load of classes.  That's the only way I really know of to meet new people, to branch out. 

I've been trying to think of places to go so that I can interact with people and breath some new air into my life, but nothing I can think of is right.  I don't dance, so that rules out clubs.  I love movies, but that's not really a place you can meet and talk to people.  I guess I could check out the bar scene, but I'm not drinking any hard stuff anymore.

The bar scene actually seems like the best idea.  I just don't really want to start bar hopping alone.  For one thing, new social setting make me nervous as hell.  I am just not cut out for this shit. 

What I really need to find out, is how the fuck do I meet people like me?  I want to find some people I can go to movies with, check out bars with, hang out at my place with, etc. etc.  I just don't know how to find those people.  I've been told to check out bookstores.  Okay, I've tried that, but I never see people who are just browsing.  Everyone is in such a rush.  Same thing goes with the library. 

Fuck, I need someone to take me by the hand and lead me through this shit.  I never learned like most people seemed to in high school.  I never went out then.  I was a shut-in.  I had too many responsibilities at home, and most of my friends worked or where into things that I wasn't, like drugs.  I just never saw any of my friends outside of school, except for maybe at a football game.

This is so frustrating.  I feel like the new kid in school.  I always fucking do, and I hate it. 

Never mind...

It was a mistake.  They found one.  Just one.  One.  Single.  Survivor.  Not twelve.  They told those families that twelve miners were alive, but it was only one.  A mistake like this is fucking ridiculous.  No family should have to go through what those people did, told their loved one was okay, and then told, "Oh, we made a mistake, he's dead."

 

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

12 Miners Found Alive

It's the things like this that make me happy.  Of the 13 miners who have been missing since an explosion in the mine they were working in, CNN is breaking the story that 12 of them have been found alive.  The body of the 13th miner was found earlier today.  12 people get to go back to the people they love.  It's a bittersweet moment for everyone involved, I'm sure, but there is some happiness there.  I'm glad the rescue workers did not give up.  Too many times in these mining accidents no one survives.

Monday, January 2, 2006

I'm going to make it...

I'm going to make it through this.  I don't know how.  I don't know where I'm going to end up.  I just remember that quote Ave put up about if you're going through Hell, keep going.  I thought I was.  But I wasn't.  I was standing there trying to build a house in Hell.  I was setting up shop.  I needed to be moving.  I think I'm doing that now.  I hope I'm doing that now.

I'm going to start some little projects for myself.  Just stuff to keep me busy.  I need to do something.  I think the first thing I'm going to do is keep writing fiction.  I've been slipping, and not doing much.  I need to get back into that.  I'm also going to work on some other stuff. 

I've got to get out of this rut I'm stuck in.  If I don't, I'll regret it.  I keep starting down this dark path.  I've been lucky enough to get nudged off of it before it's been too late so far, but that luck won't hold out.  I've got to open my eyes and get to doing what I need to do, whatever that is. 

I really don't know what I should be doing.  That's scary.  The unknown always is.  But I can't keep doing that same old, same old.  That would be a mistake. 

I want to thank every one of you for being there.  Your kind words and understanding have helped more than you know.  It's nice to see that there are people out there who care about others, just because.  I've always wanted to help people, but sometimes I don't want to admit I need help myself.  I'm a pretty strong person.  I can take a lot.  But sometimes I need those kind words and assurance that things will get better to keep me going.  So thank you all.  You're good people, and you have my thanks.

Trying

I just feel terrible.  I can't really shake this feeling of despair and fear.  Fear is a big part of it.  I don't know what happens now.  One of my biggest fears is being alone.  I don't want to always be alone.  It's scary.  I feel better when I'm out among people.  I like sunlight and crowds.  I went to WalMart to get something to cook for dinner and I was almost to afraid to walk outside again.  Being in my car driving is the worst, especially when it's dark.  You feel like you are completely alone in the world.

I'm going to have to get out more often.  I'm going to have to go places and do things.  I'm just not sure what.  I think I'm going to try and go hang out at this local sports bar tomorrow night.   I don't think I'll be drinking.  That would be a mistake.  But they have pool tables, and I might know some of the people there.  Maybe I can find someone to go with me. 

I'm going to try and find someone to go see some movies with me.  Someone who will have dinner with me once in a while.  I don't know who, but I need to find someone.  Just a friend, or something more.  More would be better, but I just want someone around so I don't have to be alone.  Someone I can trust. 

Robert's Picks

I'm trying for a little bit of normality.  I don't know what else to do.  I think after this I'll shower and then go do a little shopping around or something I need to get out of my apartment for a while.  Sleep is tempting, but waking up is a nightmare.

What I'm reading:  Red Dragon by Thomas Harris (good so far)

What I'm listening too:  Blade Trinity: The Motion Picture Soundtrack (okay)

What I'm watching on  tv:  Dog, The Bounty Hunter (I would love to meet this guy and work with him...He knows what life is about...excellent)

My dvd pick of the week:  Constantine (excellent)

I'm treading water...

I just talked to Stephanie.  I tried to explain to her that I needed to put some distance between myself and everyone else.  I told her I needed to find a way to get over this.  To get better.  And that I can't do that the way I've been trying. 

She was completely understanding.  She almost seemed detached.  Not even the slightest bit upset.  I realize that I wanted her to be upset.  I wanted her to try and fight me on this.  Hell, maybe she is upset and she's just hiding it, or burying it inside.  I don't know. 

I feel like shit.   I'm so beat down with sadness.  I don't know what to do to make myself happy.  At work, I can shake it sometimes.  I can get out of the funk and laugh a little.  I need to be around people.  I just don't know where to go to do that. 

That's always been a problem for me.  I want to be around people I know and that I can talk too, but I'm so shy I have trouble meeting anyone in a room filled with people.  It's so much easier to stay at home and bury my nose in a book.  Then I can forget for a little while.

I need to go out and mingle with some people.  I need to join some crowds.  I need to be a part of something.  My friend Rob at work is trying to get me hooked up with his SCA friends.  I'm trying to get some different off days so I can go out more.  I am trying.  I'm just not getting anywhere.  I feel like I'm treading water. 

Sunday, January 1, 2006

Well, I'm still here...

Things have got to change.  I can't stand to go on feeling like this day in day out.  My friends only serve to remind me of everything I want to forget.  So I'm walking away from all of them.  I just can't do it anymore. 

And I'm through with the hard stuff.  Permanently this time.  I might need some help with that, but I'll do my best. 

Now I've got to drop some classes and find another.  I'll only be taking one this next semester, it seems, and it won't be with Stephanie.  That hurts like hell, but I know I've got to do it.

So much for my wonderful friends....

I find it hard to believe I'm even taking the time to do this.  Sad?  I feel devastated.  I feel like a small town after a tornado goes through it and wipes out half it's population.

Everything was going fine.  I was taking it easy on the drinks.  I was having a good time.  I'm sitting in the living room.  And then Jeremy and Stephanie leave.  Someone makes a crack about them going off to have sex.  It's giggled about.  I shrug it off.  And then John runs with it and takes the opportunity to start talking about their sex life.  I managed to rush out of the room when John got to the part about what a screamer Stephanie is.  I took a couple of shots and then went outside, put in my earbuds in and started to listening to heavy metal on my mp3 player.  That usually helps. 

It didn't.  John actually had the gall to walk outside and say, "Don't do this tonight."  I was trying to be okay, and not ruin everyone's fun.  Some chick I barely know, Amy, was more of a friend to me than he was.  She talked to me for a while, told me she knew a little of what I was going through and that I would be okay one day, but that in the meantime it would hurt.  But that I had to let her go.

I started to feel a little better.  I had a few more shots.  Started shooting fireworks.  I was letting bottle rockets shoot off in my hand.  It's black now.  I was having fun.  But it was still there, eating at me..."We thought Lacey was loud, but Stephanie...!"  on and on and on and over and over and over in my head.  I drank some more and then went out to a tree in the yard.  I put my back to it with some music going and started crying.  And I cried for a long time.  I just wanted something to make the pain go away. 

So I started crawling toward my car.  I was so thoroughly trashed at this point that I couldn't even crawl very well, just push myself up a little and fall in the general direction I wanted to go.  But I kept going.  I knew there was a .45 automatic in my front seat and it would make all the pain go away.  Cliche, but true.

Then I guess someone noticed me crawling toward around in the yard.  I remember John sayiing something about "We've been looking for you, where've you been?"  Horseshit.  Someone asked, "Where's Robert?" and someone replied, "I don't know."  That was the extent of their looking. 

They threw me in the backseat of my car.  They took me home.  They handed me a trash can after tossing me on my couch.  And then they all left.  I cried some more.  I threw up a lot.  I needed someone with me.  No one stayed.  Right now I have the shakes.  It's not cold.  I hear thats I sign of mild alcohol poisoning.  I have to work tonight.

I don't care.  I'm going to sit down with my .45 and think things over.  If you don't hear from me again...well, I'm sorry.  But a man was only built to handle so much pain.