Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Time For An Update

It's been a while, so I thought I'd give an update. 

My birthday was on the 15th, and I turned twenty-two years old.  It's weird.  After twenty-one there isn't really much to look forward to on your birthday except getting older.  Like I said, weird.

Things have been going really well with my girlfriend, Cheryl.  I think this is probably the most long-lived and successful relationship I've had so far.  It's nice, it really is.  I could see it lasting a long time, but we'll see. 

My friend John and his wife just had their first baby, a girl they named Jenna Lynn.  Why you would want your daughter to share her first name with the world's most famous female Porn Star, I don't know.  They want me to come by the hospital for a visit, but I've been a little sick and I don't want to risk passing it on to the baby or the new mom. 

Christmas is almost upon us.  It sucks that I'm so broke because I've only been able to afford a couple of things for my girlfriend.  I'm not too worried about it though since I'm not too close to anyone anymore anyway.  Wow, that's a lot of "any's."

I guess that's about it for now.  I wish I had more.  Well, there is a lot more but I don't have the time to type it all here.  Incentive to update more often, huh?  Well, we'll see. 


Thursday, November 16, 2006


So, I've been seeing this girl I used to go to high school with.  We have a class together at UAB.  I had a thing for her back in high school, but I never did anything about it.  I mentioned it to her one day and I guess it interested her and she started thinking of me as more than a friend. 

Make a long story short she broke up with her boyfriend of (on again/off again) six years and now we are dating.  It's weird, because she is coming out of such a long, serious relationship and she wants to get close to me, but she keeps pulling back.  She doesn't want to, but a lot it going on in her head.

It's complicated, and I'm just trying to give her the time she needs.  She says she wants to be closer to me, and I want to be closer to her but it's just going to take time.  And that's a good thing.  I'm in no rush. 

Fact is, things are pretty serious between us.  We have a lot of fun together, and like being around each other.  She's great to me, and I try to treat her as good as she does me.  Nothing can ever be easy, but what's new?

Now I just need to get some sleep.  I don't want to go to work tonight, as usual.  At least it is my Friday night, and I just got paid.  I'm looking forward to my weekend.  I've got some nice plans for me and my new girl.   

Saturday, November 4, 2006

Robert's Picks

Robert is reading Master and Commander by Patrick O'Brian (very good), Dark Nest II:  The Unseen Queen by Troy Denning (good), Creation by Gore Vidal (funny), and Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (stoic).

On DVD, Robert watched Mission Impossible III, The Proposition, and Thank You For Smoking (excellent).

Robert's quote for the week:  "Some readers may be applalled at the suggestion that it should be necessary for human beings to revert to the grim brutality of the Stone Age in order to live.  But it must be realized that, when dealing with an utterly ruthless enemy who has clearly expressed his intention of wiping this nation out of existence, there is no room for any scruple or compunction about the methods to be employed in preventing him."  From W.E. Fairbairn's book All In Fighting, 1942.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Robert's Picks

Robert is reading The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas (excellent).  He is also reading Blackstaff by Steven E. Schend and Dark Nest Part I:  The Joiner King by Troy Denning (good).

Robert is listening to Dane Cook's Retaliation (not funny at all)


Monday, October 9, 2006

I don't want to get drafted....

North Korean cocksuckers.

My only consolation is that I'm probably a better shot than your average North Korean conscript.

Not that aim really matters when you're talking about nuclear weapons....

Sunday, October 8, 2006


Wow.  That's all I can say.  I've had a great night.  Things have been going in weird directions.  I feel like I'm getting all the second chances I ever wanted in life, and one in particular that I really needed from a long time ago.  I can't really believe it.  It's weird, crazy, complicated, exciting, and so much more. 

My life has done a total 180 from a year ago.  This time a year ago I was thinking how the interesting ways of taking a person out of this world.  Now I'm feeling genuinely happy for the first time in a good while.  I mean really happy.  And worried.  But there are always worries. 

All the time I wasted.  But it was probably for the best.  I've done a lot of growing up, and I've changed quite a bit.  I'm starting to really live life.  And my season is finally coming.  I can feel it in the crisp air at night.  Wow.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Don't Sweat the Little Stuff

You know, there are some things you could get pissed off about.  Put what's the point, huh?  Let it go.  Just let it go.  Take away the good things.

For instance, I could get pissed off about my weekend, or I could focus on the good parts and be happy about.  I choose the good. 

So, I take away from this weekend the memory of lips as soft as rose petals.  And I'll ignore the fact that they probably belonged to a gold digger.

Come on, you know you want to laugh at me...

Come on...

Just a little chuckle?

I Need to Explain This

I need to explain something to someone, but since she isn't talking to me at the moment I'll explain it to my journal. 

I don't mean to be a jerk.  I'm not being some petulant man-child who's angry because he can't get in your pants.  I'd like to, but that's besides the point.  I like you.  I don't know why.  'Why' doesn't matter. 

I know I'm never going to get you, and that doesn't matter either.  You're not the first and I'm sure you won't be the last.  I'm just glad I'm not kidding myself about you.  I did that in the past, and it was bad.  I'm honest when it comes to you.  I know there is nothing there.

I proved last night that I'm not the type of guy who's an asshole because he doesn't get what he wants.  I proved it to someone else, and not you, but that doesn't matter.  I proved it to myself. 

I'm to tired for this shit.  I don't understand you or anyone else.  I just want what I've always wanted and I don't know where to look for it.  I don't want it from you.  I don't know that I want it from anyone.  I just want it.

This doesn't make any sense.  Nothing does in life. 

Saturday, September 16, 2006


I had a pretty good night tonight.  I went out to this redneck bar I hang out at sometimes and had a few drinks.  I met someone my friend works with and we hit it off, I guess.  I bought her a drink and she got my phone number. 

Anyway, I came home intending to hit the sack and guess who called me?  Well, I went and hung out with her a little while.  It was a fun way to top out the night.  She has two beautiful dogs.  I like dogs, and I think her dog's liked me.

Anyway, we hung out and then she sent me on my merry way.  But she said she'd like to see me again, and she was concerned that I might be mad.  I wasn't.  Hey, I would have rather she had me stay, but I'll not complain when a lady acts like a lady. 

I'd like to see her again too.  It would be nice.

Funny, I never thought I'd be happy about a girl telling me it was time to hit the road.  I guess that's mostly due to the fact that she wanted me to stay.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Uncomfortable Moments

I hate those uncomfortable moments in life.  You know the ones.  Their those moments when you learn something you really didn't want know.  Or, it's more like you know it, but you have not had it confirmed so you can ignore it.  And then it comes up, and you just have to deal with it. 

Anyway, I had one of those today.  It wasn't so bad, but it brought up a lot of old memories and jealousy from high school.  The shit doens't bother me, but like I said, it was uncomfortable for a minute there.  Still is, I guess.  Oh, well.  It'll be alright.

I'm reading The Black Dahlia by James Ellroy.  It's a pretty good book.  I like this man's style.  He's very down and dirty.  His characters are human, and as such, flawed.  I like that because it allows me to see a lot of myself in the characters.  I'm reading the book mainly because I want to see the movie.  But I like to read the book if there is one before I see the movie.  The books usually better. 

I hate waiting.  I'm  waiting for my second class of the day.  My last two classes are canceled so I get to go home and get some sleep after.  That'll be nice.  I tried calling my friend Jen to see if she wanted to hang out today, but no answer.  She's probably sleeping.  That girl parties a little to hard sometimes.  Fuck it, she's having a bad time so I can understand.

I had lunch with my friend Cheryl (she's the one I know from high school).  She had a bunch of test today and she was worried about her last one.  I'm sure she'll do okay, she's always been smart.  It's nice to have someone to talk too. 

It's funny, I actually had a crush on her in high schoool.  I never saw anything coming of it then.  I don't now, so I don't know why I brought it up.  Okay, so maybe I see a possibility.  But I doubt it.  I'm a friend, and so she can talk to me.  And I can provide some answers.  But not all.  I wish I had all the answers.  And I wish I was still as naive as I used to be.  It was nice to believe in perfection, once. 

Oh, well.  It's past time to give up childish things.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Busy Busy!

It seems like I don't have much time for anything lately.  All I do is work or go to school.  I'm happy to be back in school, but to say it hasn't been a strain would be a total lie. 

How about a joke?  What kind of bees give milk?  The answer:  Boo Bees!


So, what's new?  Hmm, I broke up with my girlfriend.  Bascially, I don't won't to have a serious relationship long-distance.  It was puttiing to much strain on me and only causing me to feel resentment toward my girlfriend, so, realizing this, I decided the best thing I could do would be to end it.  So I did.

This week I've got a lunch date with a friend who I have not seen in a while.  She graduated from UAB last Spring and I am hoping to catch up with her. 

My classes have been good so far.  I actually understand what is going on in my Philosophy courses, so that's a good sign considering it's my Major. 

Work sucks, as it always does.  I need to find a better job, but school puts a strain on the schedule I can work.  I've also been thinking of getting another part-time job one day a week on Saturdays.  I don't know where yet, but I'd like it to be somewhere that would offer some good employee discounts.  Maybe a clothing store, or a book store. 


Saturday, September 2, 2006

I hate Sony!

Sony announced a new product in January.  It's called the Sony Reader.  I don't have the time or skills to drop a link on you, so google.

I really, really, really want to buy one of these.  I mean really.  This is a wonderful piece of technology.  I absolutely love it. 

Basically, this thing allows you to read ebooks without having to lug around a computer.  It's about the size of a paper back, and it uses eInk technology so that it is as visible as paper.  You can read it indoors and outdoors and still see the screen clearly.  Anyone who has used a computer outside or had sun shining on your monitor knows how great this is.

And if you love reading, you can see the appeal of this thing.  It is the reading world's answer to the iPod.  I read multiple books at once, so it would allow me to carry everything I am reading in a small package.  And for those who don't read like me, I know damn well how annoying it is to be somewhere and finish a book...and then not have another to pick up, or the next of a trilogy or duology, etc. 

The Reader was announced in January, with a release date for spring.  It has since been moved up to fall.  The last I've heard that it will be available in time for the holidays.  I'm tired of waiting, and I hope Sony can keep the deadline this time.  I really want to get my hands on one of these things.  I suggest anyone who reads regularly go check the specs out.  It's quite nice.

And I'm so tired of waiting.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Life, in a Nut Shell

I started classes again this past week.  So far, so good.  The only problem is that I have classes all day long, so I have to do thirty-six hour ups twice a week.  It's not too bad, but it's not fun either.  I'm taking Introduction to Criminal Justice, History of Philosophy, Philosophy of Mind, and Classical Thought of India, China, and the West.  I'm also taking a First Aid class, but it's just to boost my GPA.  I could teach that class.

One of my best friends from high school is in the Criminal Justice class with me.  She just transfered from a two year school.  We've been having lunch together every day after class.  UAB started has a new cafeteria and diner set-up, which is nice, but costs an arm and a leg.  Every one, whether they buy a meal plan or not, has to pay two hundred and twenty five bucks for it.  It's okay, I guess.  I'll just make sure I eat a lot of cheese burgers before the semester is over.

I've got time to nap between a couple of my classes, which is a life saver.  I've tried the library, but I like just parking in the parking deck and sleeping in my car.  It's still hot, so I turn on the air conditioner.  It eats gas, but not enough to bother me.

My new apartment is nice, now that everything is good and settled.  My girlfriend is flying down today from Philadelphia to stay with me for a week.  That will be nice.  This distance shit has been getting on my nerves.  I'm off tonight, so we should have a good time her first day here. 

Friday nights I've turned into a bit of a bar fly.  I go to this sports bar called Home Field that's not too far away.  I know the bartender, and I've got some friends who are their pretty often.  John is usually there.  It's nice.  Pool tables, decent prices, nice scenery.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Robert's Picks and the Wizard's Tenth Rule

I am currently reading Lullaby Town by Robert Crais (good), The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas (fantastic), Phantom by Terry Goodkind (fucking amazing, all his books should be required reading), and The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien (classic, as always)

On DVD I recently watch V for Vendetta (excellent)

Hadn't done this in a while and thought I'd give a little update.  I've done more reading than anything else this weekend.  I'm a bit bleary eyed and in need of sleep.  I think I'll go do that now.

But first....

Wizard's Tenth Rule:  Willfully turning aside from the truth is treason to one's self.

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

What You Have To Believe to Be a Republican

I could care less how you vote.  That's your business.  But this is funny...

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him,
and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest
national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-
national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then
demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing
health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance
companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extra-marital affair is an impeachable
offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
Conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but
what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
If you don't send it to at least 10 other people, we're likely to be
stuck with more Republicans in '06 and '08.

Sunday, August 6, 2006

Things Change, Things Stay The Same

I'm finally settled into my new apartment.  It's a nice place.  I've actually got plenty of space for all of my stuff.  I put all of my bookcases in my bedroom around my bed.  I've got my desk in my living room.  I put up my poster sized maps from The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion on the walls.  I like maps, and always have.  I've also got a map of Birmingham too because that just comes in handy. 

Starting this coming Friday I will now have Friday and Saturday night off from work, which is sweet.  It's going to be nice to go out and do something on a Friday or Saturday night.  I'll actually have a real weekend.  I'm really looking forward to that.

The girlfriend is flying in the end of this month to visit for a week.  I'm looking forward to that.  I'm honestly getting sick of having a girlfriend but never seeing her.  I need someone here and now, without worrying about guilt.  I don't want someone on the side, I just want someone who I can see regularly, someone who is only a phone call and a few minutes drive away.  You can't sustain a relationship over the phone.  I don't know what my other options are, but this sucks.

I want what I want and not just what I can get.  Selfish of me, huh?  Well, we've all got to be selfish now and then.  I'm patient, thankfully.  I'd have went insane by now if I wasn't patient. 

I have to work eight days straight in order to make sure I get my new off days without getting stiffed on my paycheck.  It sucks, but it could be worse.  I'll come out on top with eight to ten hours of overtime.  That'll be nice, since I need it.  Work is still all the same bullshit, but some things are starting to look up.  I'm still looking for a better job, but I'm not desperate for one anymore. 

There is so much I want to do, and no time to do it.  School starts soon, and I'll be back at it taking a full load.  That is going to be hard, but it must be done if I'm ever going to get where I want to be.  I like school though, so I am looking forward to it.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I hate moving...

Well, I'm moving.  I'm getting my stuff all together and I've got a new place lined up.  I was hoping to get something downtown, but nothing was available in my price range, so that was out.  I got something that is still in between work and school, even if it is on the other side of Birmingham.  I like what I've seen of the place.

I have to be out of here by Monday.  I don't like doing this last minute, but it was the best I could manage.  I'll have to get some help moving my stuff, but that shouldn't be too much of a problem. 

Anyway, I'm getting a large one bedroom apartment.  The layout of the place looks nice.  I think it will be a lot like mine now, just minus the extra bathroom and bedroom, which won't be bad at all.  I'll have to store a little of my stuff with my grandfather, but it will be okay. 

I'm probably not going to get any of my security deposit back, but I could give a shit.  I'll get over it.  Maybe I'll get a little back, but it would be a surprise. 

The main thing I need right now is boxes, and I think I'll pick some up tonight and the next couple of nights at work.  I won't be getting much sleep until I'm moved.  I have not slept in well over twenty-four hours now.  And I have not talked to Jenni, which is weird. 

I really feel like talking to someone, but no one is around.  I think I'm going to con my brother into helping me move.  I'd ask John, but I don't really want to.  I might though.  I've helped him move twice now, so he still owes me one. 

I've got to rent a truck, which means I'll probably have to borrow a little cash from my grandfather until my next paycheck.  I'm going to have to get prices on that tomorrow.  I'm not sure how much I paid before.

I really hate to move.  I don't mind leaving, it just the disturbance to my life and finances that I don't like.  If I could just be there, it would be fine.  And if I knew for sure I could move in my Monday it would be fine.  I'll find out in the morning.  I fucking hope so.  If not Monday, then at least by Tuesday.  Then I'll just have to have the truck for two days.

I can probably fit everything I own into the new place.  I have next to nothing in my bedroom here, so I have space to spare.  I should be okay.

Okay, enough worrying for one night.

Sunday, July 9, 2006

Won't you be my neighbor?

Wow, it's been a while.  Usually I update a lot more than I have in the past couple of weeks.  I guess I've just had to much on my mind to get it all out.  At the moment I'm juggling a long-distance relationship, a shitty job, and I'm looking for a place to live.

So, I've got a girlfriend now.  Wonderful.  Well, it would be if she were actually here.  I should have pushed for 'open relationship' status (kidding...).  Anyway, it's nice, but it also sucks because she is so far away.  I talk to her every day, which is weird, since I never talk to anyone every day.

I hate my job.  But you knew that already.  Some interesting prospects are coming to light though.  My friend's brother-in-law is supposed to let me know as soon as there is an opening at the Coca-Cola bottling place where he works.  The pay is great from all tell and the hours are not bad, similar to what I work now.  I'm also going to put in an application at the post office since they have a huge "NOW HIRING" sign up. 

My lease is up at the end of the month, and I am out of here.  I'm sorry, but six hundred a month is just too much.  I'm sick of it.  It was nice to have a big place all to myself, but it's not worth it anymore and I don't want a roommate.  I'm going to do some serious looking tomorrow.  Probably a little short notice, but it'll be okay. 

I've seen two movies recently, and both were good.  Superman Returns was excellent.  I loved it, and would pay to see it again.  Any super hero fan should see it.  Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest  was good, but also disappointing.  It just seemed to drag on and on as if it would never end...and it doesn't in a style reminiscent of The Matrix Reloaded.  The pseudo end was good though.  I liked the surprise and I think I'll like the third installment of this particular trilogy a lot.  We'll just have to wait and see.

Miami Vice, the movie, is coming out at the end of this month.  I'm going to see it.  It looks good.  I actually bought the first season of the show on dvd and I really like it.  That surprised me.  I expected it to be a lot cheesier than it is, but it's actually a pretty serious show. 

Oh, and I purchased a new pistol yesterday.  I was torn between the HKP2000 (9mm)  and the Walther P99 (also 9mm).  I finally decided on the HK both because of my high opinion of HK firearms and the fact that it is a sub-compact pistol which makes it much easier to carry concealed. 

I went shooting this morning and was impressed with my little P2000.  I'm still a big fan of my USP .45 (and a better shot with it) and I'm sure I'll carry it regularly.  Still, the small 9mm P2000 will takes its place when I want the most concealment possible.  I also think I'll be going back for the Walther as soon as I can scrape the change together for it.  It was cheaper than the HK by about two hundred bucks, but it was a full-size service pistol.  Nice, though.

Friday, June 16, 2006


I made the three hour or so trip to get her, an then the three hour trip back.  I always called her Jenni, but I suppose Jennifer or Jen will work too.  I've known her for a long time. 

And once I loved her.

While she was here it was great.  There were tears and smiles.  Some things were easy, and some hard.  My emotions were so conflicted.  I never wanted to stop holding her, but at the same time I didn't want to feel like I had to hold her. 

But she knew what she felt, and she gave herself completely.  No one has ever done that for me before.  It was both terrifying and exhilarating.  I tried to push her away at times.  I wanted her to go home.  And I didn't.  I was so conflicted.  I didn't know what I want.  I still don't.

She's gone now.  She's gone.  And I think she took a part of me with her. 

I took her back to her aunt's house outside of Atlanta, and she is on, or about to get on, a plane back to her home outside of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.  I don't want her to go.  I want her here.  How could I have wanted her to go?

I walked into my apartment this morning for the first time since she left, and I had to look in every room to be sure she was really gone.  And then it hit me.  She's really gone.  I feel this barely controllable despair.  I don't know what to do.

She wants to come back.  She says she loves me, and that she'll do whatever it takes to get me.  I hope I can stop fighting her, because right now I need her more than anyone.  For the first time it's not Stephanie.  She's still there too, but she's not the one who I see in my arms anymore.  I see the one who was really there. 

"Three months," she said this morning when she called me on her way to the airport.  Three months and then she would hopefully have moved in with her aunt in Atlanta.  I hope it's true. 

I don't want to get hurt again.  I think that's what's holding me back.  

I just don't know for sure.  I needed more time.  Hopefully in the coming months I'll get the time I need.  I want her to be a part of my life.  I just don't know how big a part yet.   

Friday, June 9, 2006


I am feeling really, extremely, nervous right now.  I mentioned that I am driving to Georgia to pick up a friend of mine next week for a couple of days.  Well, plans have changed a little bit.  We're both sick of waiting so I am going to pick her up Sunday instead of Tuesday.  So she'll be here for five days.  This is a good thing.

So why am I so fucking nervous?  I don't really know.  I guess that it is just going to be kind of weird.  I'm such a solitary person.  But it shouldn't matter.  This is someone I've known for longer than I've had this journal.  I'm really looking forward to it, and I'm really excited.  But I'm nervous. 

I have worries, and I know she does too.  But I think it will be okay.  I just need to chill.  On top of this trip, something absolutely insane happened Wednesday night.

My brother, Ryan, who is visiting from California, was shot.  I'm not kidding.  One bullet skimmed across his back (under the skin, but missing spine and vital organs) and another went through his leg, breaking the bone.  Apparently he was with my other brother Daniel driving around.  Daniel had gone to meet one of his friends who had been beaten up the night before.  They met him at WalMart (but not the one I work at), and apparently so did some people who didn't like them.  My brother said they got out of there, but that they were chased and shot at. 

Why they didn't go directly to the police at this point I can't fathom, but they lost the cars chasing them and pulled over.  They all got out of their cars and my brother said he told his friend he was getting out of there.  Right then two cars came creeping by and started unloading.  My brother Ryan, being the stupid, overly brave seventeen year old he his ran at one of the cars with a baseball bat and was hit twice.  Someone else was hit one in the stomach. 

I got the call and rushed to the hospital.  They're both going to be fine, but my brother needs a lot of work on his leg.  He'll get that in the morning.  I didn't go to work tonight, because frankly I needed to have a drink or too.  I lied to my boss and said I had to go to the hospital, but that fucker has lied to me too, so turn around is fair play.  I can't even use my sick time without a doctor's note, and I can't afford doctors, so fuck them twice over.  I don't like my work, as you can see.  Should have joined the army.

Anyway, all of this has me a little on edge.  I'm hoping that my friend being here is going to help me relax.  It's going to be tough for both of us when she has to leave, but she is going to have too.  We both have too much to do.  She's got plans and she needs to go home and reach her goals first. 

Still, it's going to be nice for both of us.  We both need someone we can trust and be close to, even if it's for only a little while.  I'm really looking forward to it.  But that doesn't mean I'm not nervous, because I am very nervous.  This is going to be a first for me.

Oh, they caught the guys who shot my brother.  A couple of guys who were carrying stolen guns (of course).  They're both on parole and have numerous youthful and adult convictions.  Fucking figures. 

Here's a note to parent's:  If you fuck-up, adult child is going to live at home keep your fucking gun put up and out of they're reach, cause otherwise you're enabling a known criminal. 

Well, as with all rights, there are those who are going to abuse them.  Fucking idiots are lucky someone who knew what they were doing was there.  The only reason they didn't hit more people was that the fucking morons were holding their guns sideways like some gansta-gansta in a movie. 

And answer me this, why would you shoot at a bunch of people who know who you are?  It's not like the cops are not going to find you.  Or, as in this particular case, one of your friends who is going to spill his guts for every bit of leniency he can get? 

To all criminals:  Please, don't stop being stupid. 

Thursday, June 8, 2006

Midnight Mayhem

I just finished watching Firewall.  While it isn't the best movie, it is worth renting.  It is definitely a thriller that keeps you guessing.  I really like Harrison Ford's character.  He's the type of person who won't give up and give in.  I also recently watched Underworld:  Evolution.  It's the sequel to Underworld, which is a vampire vs. werewolves movie.  This one picks up where the other left off, and it is also very good if you're into that type of thing.  I really liked the first and I'm impressed with the sequel.

I slept all day yesterday because I was on the phone all night with a friend of mine. She's from Pennsylvania but is visiting her aunt in Georgia for a couple of weeks.  We've been trying to get together for a while now, so next Tuesday I am going to make the three hour drive to pick her up.  She's going to stay with me a couple of nights and then I'll take her back to her aunt's sometime Thursday.  We're both really excited and sick of waiting, but it's only a couple of more days. 

Hopefully we'll have a lot of fun.  We'll probably go out, play some pool, rent some movies, hang out by the pool here, etc.  It'll be a nice change from the typical monotony around here.  It's sucks that she'll only be able to stay such a short time, but it's better than nothing.  This is the best opportunity we've had in a while since she lives so far away.

July Fourth I start my vacation.  The Fourth is on a Tuesday, and so I am already off.  I'll have my normal weekend, then five days off, then my normal weekend again for a total of nine days away from work.  It's going to be sweet.  I don't really have any plans.  If I can work some more over-time I might go to Mississippi for a couple of days to hit the poker tables again.  I might also hang out with a friend of mine who will probably be needing someone she can count on soon.  Tough times for her.  It really sucks.

Anyway, that's about it.  Oh, except I ate one of those monster thick burgers from Hardee's a few hours ago and I still feel stuffed.  Those things are good. 

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

Interesting Data Concerning RTC (Right To Carry) Laws

Here is an NRA-ILA fact sheet concerning RTC laws in the United States.  It has some interesting data, in my opinion.  Of course, if you are more on the gun control side you'd probably be more interested in the Brady Campaign website.  I'm not, so if you want that, google it.  I'm very, very, extremely biased on this issue.

NRA-ILA :: Fact Sheets

Thursday, June 1, 2006

A Couple of Movies

Okay, I watched a couple of movies that I rented last night and I'd now like to render my opinions.

Freedomland was a pretty good movie.  I've seen better, but the acting was superb, in my opinion.  It's rare that we get to see Sam Jackson in a truly serious role where he shines instead of just being the type-cast wise ass black dude.  Here he actually seemed like a real human being.  He wasn't Shaft, he was just a man.  Julianne Moore did a good job of playing mentally unstable fruit bat as well.  I recommend it for a slow night, but be warned that your attention may drift at times.

Match Point is by far one of the best movies I have seen in a long time.  It is indeed better to be lucky than good, as this movie proves time and again.  I might just have to buy this one.  The acting was good great, and the scenery was a nice change (I admit I like London over New York or L.A. any day).  Everyone should see this, as it's worth a week night on the couch.

And that, as they say, is how the cookie crumbles.

Friends will save your life...

When I look at my life and wonder why I'm sticking around I think about people I care about.  If I wasn't here who'd give them that card that puts a smile on their face when they've had a bad week at work.  When they are going through a painful time, who else is going to stop worrying about their own problems enough to actually care. 

I'm fucked up.  Nothing can save me from fate.  But maybe I can save someone else.

If I can make one person laugh, make one person smile, make one person angry enough to keep fighting just one more day, then maybe I've done some good.  Maybe I'll find my reward at the end of the line.  Maybe I'll never get to the end of the line.  But at least I can make sure that someone does.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Sore Knuckles

We all have our own ways of working out our aggressions.  Some of use choose to give up our humanity and take it out on other human beings.  I like to think of myself as a civilized gentleman and a law abiding citizen.

One way I like to blow off steam is to do some target practice with my pistol and rifles.  It's fun, and it's a skill I appreciate developing.  But paper and plastic targets are just not real enough sometimes.  And guns are a little hands off...

So a long time ago I bought a punching bag.  I just recently rigged up a way to hang it.  Then when I went into a sporting goods store to buy some hand wraps I found a mounting bracket.  And no, I hadn't ever seen one before.  So I bought it, as it allows me to hang my bag a lot better.  And it's safer.

I also bought hand wraps, and a pair of gel padded gloves that take the place of hand wraps and can be worn under bag or boxing gloves.  I used those tonight to work out a little aggression.  It was fun.  And it felt good to be able to hit something.  On top of all that it's a good cardio workout. 

I think I am going to invest in some bag gloves too, though.  The second knuckles on the first two fingers of my right hand (my primary punching hand, and the one I hit hardest with) are scrapped raw from the repetitive punches.  It hurts, and I'll have to let them heal, so I need to get some bag gloves to prevent this from happening again.  Funny thing is, I never used to have this problem when I used plain old wraps, so I may just go back to them.

But maybe not.  Bag gloves are a good investment anyway.  A little extra protection is never a bad thing.  Now I think I'll go watch Freedomland.  I hope it's good.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Movie Night (Beware...spoilers)

I saw X-Men: The Last Stand tonight.  It was a really good movie that rounded out the trilogy well.  There were some unexpected things in the movie, which is always good.  There were also some things I didn't like.

I liked the way the movie was able to juggle a lot of competing moral issues and really manage to not leave you feeling like maybe the bad guy is right.  They basically show you how Magneto may appear to have a good point, but that he is just like those he claims to be fighting (that is, those who would commit genocide). 

I also liked the way the 'cure' to mutation was debated in the movie.  It reminded me, as I'm sure it was supposed to, of the abortion debate.  And it left me with the same feeling that choice is better than no choice. 

What I didn't like about this movie was the fact that they seem to have completely ignored the fact that the Phoenix (Jean Grey) was a GOOD GUY.  The only aspect of the Phoenix we see in this movie would be Dark Phoenix (the bad version when Jean goes insane).  I'm sure I'm not the only one who was pissed off by this...but I admit it does clean up loose ends that only ten more movies could have otherwise dealt with. 

I also didn't like the fact that they killed off first Cyclops (killed by the woman who loves him??? I understood the reasoning, but I didn't buy it), Professor X (also by Jean Gray...this also didn't make much sense as he was more of a father to her than her own father), and finally Jean Gray herself (this death and its circumstances made sense, but only if you're willing to buy the first two, which I will for the sake of the movie).

I liked the ending.  The school remains.  Wolverine remains my favorite character (as he always has been...we've got a lot in common).  And the very end shows a scene with Magneto (now a human after being given the 'cure') sitting alone in Golden Gate Park at a Chess table with metal chess pieces which makes me speculate that the cure may not be permanent.  He puts his hand out as if to guide a piece with his power and the screen abruptly goes blank and the credits role. 

I like the possibility this opening presents, but after killing off three of your most essential characters I don't see any further movies coming.  I think at this point it should be left alone. 

And that, is that.  It's not the comic book X-Men, but I can live with it.  At least they didn't totally fuck it up as they have with some comic book movies...remember The Hulk?

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Rule Number Three


Of course, as I'm sure you're intelligent enough to assume, I already broke this one.  After all, rules were made to be broken.  Just the same, you must at times bite the bullet and admit to the depths of your own stupidity. 


You don't meet new people while drunk.  There are many reasons for this.  First, and foremost, you can't help but give them the impression that you're a drunk, even if it's been weeks since you had your last drink.  Second, you might spill a couple of drinks in your lap, even if in your entire life you've managed to never do that before.  Third, you might want to give a compliment, like "You have a beautiful smile," (she did) but you don't because the person in question is going to think, "He's drunk, and just wants to get in my pants."  Fourth,  you are going to make an ass of yourself, and say and do things that will only embarrass you if you meet this person again.  There are more, of course.

Basically, if you do this you shoot yourself in the foot (even the "differently challenged" people we know can do this...sorry John, I couldn't resist).  You could meet a person with a hobby that you have an interest in, photography for instance. But it doesn't matter.  You're too fucking drunk to use this obvious conversation piece.  If you find yourself attracted to someone, you can't really do anything about it because, again, they are just going to think you're drunk and trying to get in their pants.  And then, of course, if this person is nice enough to give you're drunk ass a ride to your car you might puke in theirs (I didn't!  But it was a concern of hers.  I wasn't anywhere near that far gone, but I'm sure I appeared that way.).  This would be very, very bad form.

So, in conclusion, I must say again:  DON'T MEET INTERESTING NEW PEOPLE WHILE DRUNK.  You'll only regret it in the morning, because a bad first impression is hard to break. 


Thursday, May 25, 2006

New Story

I've almost finished with my latest story.  It's in the fantasy genre, but it's not a typical happy-go-lucky tale.  It's actually very sad.  Since my writing seems to be at it's best when I'm talking about my own sadness, I thought I'd give this story a try.  A lot of it comes from my own recent history, but it ends a little differently.  I guess it's kind of the story of what might have happened in a different time, in a different world.  I'm hoping I'll finish my rough draft tonight, and then I'll polish it up and send it off. 

Then I'll try and come up with a new idea, and I'll start again.  And again.  And again.  I'm bound to get it right eventually.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Can you tell I bought a new CD?  I also got the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album, Stadium Arcadium.  It's good too.  I've also rented some movies tonight.  I can't even remember all the titles, so I won't bother relating what they are unless they turn out to be good. 

I feeling kind of bored tonight.  I'm doing my best to stave off this impending feeling of loneliness.  I can feel it there, and I just want it to go away.  It started right after I rented the movies and has gotten steadily worse.  It's funny, cause last night I was all alone but I felt great.  Tonight isn't the same.  Weird.  Oh, well.  That's life.

Every rose truly does have it's thorn.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Book Was Better

But isn't it always?  Well, I can remember at least once when it wasn't, but let's not get off topic here.  I finally went and saw The DaVinci Code.  I liked it, though I think Tom Hanks was not the greatest choice for Robert Langdon.  I will concede, however, that at the moment I can't think of anyone better. 

The movie seemed to stick mostly to the book, though there were some differences.  I would have been more keen to them, but I have not recently read the book.  I thought about it, seeing as it's not very long, but I've been busy reading two or three others. 

So, did I like the movie?  Yes.  Could it have been better?  Most definitely.  But so could just about every other movie.  I think this one stayed more true to the book than most.  It even had the same rushed feel to it.  When you take into account that it all takes place in the span of one day you realize that its pace is a necessary element.

I'll probably pick this one up on dvd when it comes out, but it won't be one I'll watch a lot.  I'll pull it out when I'm in the mood and don't have the time to re-read the book.  I liked it, so it gets a thumbs up from me.   

Monday, May 22, 2006

Some things I wanted to mention, and something I really needed to talk about...

I've really been meaning to go see The DaVinci Code since Friday, but that has not happened so far.  And I've got to work tonight.  And I'll probably work Tuesday night so I can get some over time, but I don't know yet.  I'm feeling worn out, so maybe not.  I could use two days off.

I found out yesterday that my youngest brother, Ryan, is coming from California to visit June 1st.  That will be nice.  I have not seen him in about five years.  It sucks that he lives so far away.  Because of that, and other things, I've never really developed any kind of a relationship with him.  I only wish I had known he was coming sooner, because then I could have taken my vacation while he was here.  But it will be okay.  I'll make the time.

I had a really weird dream yesterday.  It was like one I'd had a long time ago that I wrote about here.  Anyway, in the dream someone I've known for a long time, though she was a bit different in the dream, and I realized we were in love with each other.  It was crazy, because the dream kind of skimmed over about a weeks time.  Anyway, we ended up very seriously together and planning marriage and all that.  It was crazy.  At the end of the dream she went to work and I got this weird feeling that she wasn't coming back and that this wonderful thing I'd finally found was going to end.  And then I woke up and it did.  That really sucked.  I was a little down about it all day yesterday. 

The weirdest part is remembering being madly in love with this person, in the dream anyway.  Waking up it's like someone I was close to years and years ago.  The memory is there, but the actual emotion is kind of gone.  Just lots of weirdness.  I guess the dream sort of bothered me.  I'd have rather not had it.  I finally had everything I wanted, and then I woke up.  That definitely doesn't make me feel that great. 

And I know.  A dream is just a dream and I shouldn't let it bother me.  This one really did though.  The funny thing is that the person in the dream is someone I don't particularly like.  Sure, she's attractive, but I could never see myself with her seriously.  Even if she weren't already taken.  It was weird how none of that mattered when the right feeling was there, though. 

I wish I hadn't dreamed this.  It's one of those which I wish I hadn't woken up from.  I was worried in the end of the dream because I could tell my body was waking up, even if I didn't understand or realize exactly why I was having that bad feeling in the dream.  The good parts of it were great though, and I wish that hadn't ended.  It was nice to feel that, to feel loved and wanted.  Even if it was just a dream. 

Sunday, May 21, 2006

This really made my day....

Every once in a while you've got to shake things up and try something new, even if you're a bit skeptical, just to keep the momentum going.  So I decided to get a free personality profile from  I must say the personality profile was about dead on, what came with it was a disappointment:

"eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants to fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time."


Thursday, May 18, 2006

I really like this song...

"The Enemy" by Godsmack

Hey Mister backstabbin' son of a bitch
you're livin' in a world that'll soon be dyin'
and I know everybody knows you try to be like me
but even at your best as a man you couldn't equal half of me.

I am realizing that everybody's lost their simple ways
and now that it's here I see it all so clearly
I've come face to face with the enemy, the enemy.

You, your another shit talkin' punk to me.
You're a living inspiration for what i never wanna be,
and I see you've been blinded by what you believe
And now back up and sit down, shut up and act like you need to be.

I am realizing that everybody's lost their simple ways
and now that it's here I see it all so clearly,
I've come face to face with the enemy, the enemy.

come to me, come to me
the enemy come to me, come to me

So predicting you're the reason why i lie
simple decision took me too much time to fly
Oh, checkmate!

I am realizing that everybody's lost their simple ways
and now that it's here I see it all so clearly,
I've come face to face with the enemy, the enemy

come to me

Wrist wrap

I finally rigged up a way to hang my punching bag outside my sliding glass doors on the small slab of concrete that is my backyard.  It's nice to finally have a place where I can hang it and use it.  But of course, there is a problem.  I've lost my wrist wrap.

See, the wrist wrap keeps your wrists braced for the punches so you don't hurt yourself.  But it also provides a little protection to your knuckles so you don't walk away bloody.  I took a few swings and already my knuckles on my right hand look a little beat up...cause they are.

I went to WalMart to buy wrist wrap, but of course they don't have any.  Any other time I've been in sporting goods the stuff has been everywhere.  Now all of a sudden it's no where to be found.  That's just plain annoying.  Well, at least I got something done today.

I also picked up my pay check today, which was nice.   I had overtime on it so it was bigger than usual.  The next one will be too.  I paid my rent and the few bills I had and now the money is almost all gone.  I also filled up my gas tank, so I won't have to worry about that for a while. 

I'm thinking that tomorrow I will go and see The DaVinci Code.  I've been looking forward to seeing the movie ever since I heard about it.  The whole controversy surrounding the movie is cracking me up.  I love would-be censors. 

In the meantime, I think I am going to go watch The Ringer so I can see Johnny Knoxville make a jackass out of himself.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Robert's Picks

I realized I have not done one of these in a while, and I've been meaning too.  So here goes.

Books:  Story of O by Pauline Reage (excellent)

        Mindhunter:  Inside the FBI's Elite

        Serial Crime Unit by John Douglas and

        Mark Olshaker (good)

        Sword and Citadel:  The Second Half

        of The Book of the New Sun by Gene

        Wolf (decent)

Movies:  Munich (excellent)

         Hostel (good)

Music:  Hello by Poe

        IV by Godsmack

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I need sleep...

I'm feeling kind of depressed, which is a sure sign that I need to get some sleep.  I'm off tonight, but I'm thinking of going in for some overtime.  I will if I wake up naturally, sans alarm, in time. 

I just posted this long ass entry on Myspace about my failures in romance.  It's all post-Stephanie stuff.  Christ, that girl has become a place marker in the timeline of my life.  Guess love does that.

Anyway, a lot of it is stuff I've never even talked about here for various reasons, privacy being the biggest one, embarassment at constantly failing the next.  I guess I just needed to get it all out.  I don't know why I did it there as opposed to here.  I guess because in a way it's...I don't know.  I can't think.  I'm tired and sad and I want a hug and some cuddling.  How pathetic is that.  I really need to find someone to lean on.  "Lean on me..."  I always liked that song.  It's kind of comforting. 

Well, as Avril would say, I'm for bed.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Add to that last nearly killing myself....

As if things don't suck enough, I damn near killed myself at work about forty-five minutes ago.  I was getting a pallet off of the top of our bins using a piece of heavy equipment called a 'Walkie Stacker,' which we more commonly refer to as a 'Walker Stacker.'  The second sounds better, don't you think? 

Anyway, I hit the reverse toggle by accident and pinned myself between the bin behind me and this ton and a half contraption that looks a lot like a forklift.  If you're curious, I'm sure you can find a picture of one online somewhere.  I'm a little too tired to go hunting for one or I would provide it.

Needless to say, it was quite painful and could have been deadly.  I managed to un pin myself quickly without suffering (to my knowledge) any permanent damage.  My left ass cheek would disagree, as it is quite tender at the moment.  Anyway, after I freed myself I stepped back and my vision started going.  I completely blacked out for a split second, nearly slamming into the ground before catching myself in mid fall and jumping back up. 

The two guys near me called our manager and I took a seat.  My vision and hearing were kind of fuzzy for about five minutes, but by the time my manager got there I was feeling better.  We filed an incident report just in case I decide I need to see a doctor later, but I don't think that will be necessary. 

In all honesty, this was my own fault.  I should have been more careful of how I positioned my body.  But I was in a hurry and wanted to go home, so I wasn't.  Next time I will be more careful. 

Now, I think I am going to go take a hot shower, or maybe a nice bath. 

Oh, yeah, I've got a new idea for a story and I'm going to jot down some notes on it before I crash.  Maybe I can get it written before I go to work tonight while the idea is still fresh.

Thursday, May 11, 2006


So, I get a call from John last week and he tells me that Jennifer is pregnant.  I know he wanted me to be all happy about it for him, but I'm a realist.  He doesn't know what the fuck is about to hit him.  They're both too stubborn to realize what having a child means.  But it's okay.  They can handle it.  I'm not worried about that.  They'll make great parents, I think.

Then, the day after that, a girl I know from way back when runs into me in WalMart.  She introduces me to her new boyfriend and drops the bomb that she, too, is pregnant.  I don't what to think about that.  But she's a good person from all I know, so there you go.

Who am I kidding?  I think anyone that has a kid before they hit thirty is out of their fucking mind.  Oh, it can be done, and quite well.  But I couldn't do it.  I can barely take care of myself. 

Sure, it sounds nice.  But if you really do some deep thinking about it, it's terrifying.  I think John and Jennifer kind of rushed into it, for various reasons.  But whatever.  The other girl?  I don't think she saw it coming, but she is going with the flow.  I seem to remember her saying a couple of months ago that she was not ready for a kid. 

Oh, I've been working as much overtime at work as I can handle.  I could use the money, and I've really got nothing better to do.  I made a "C" in the one class I was taking.  I plan on hitting the ground running in the fall by taking five classes. 

In other news, my romantic life seems to be at an absolute stand-still.  For every step I take forward I seem to take ten back.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I think I've finally given up. 

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

The Meaning of Life Is...

How the Hell should I know?  Don't let my Greek god-like appearance fool you.  I don't have the answers, much as I'd like too.

My weekend hasn't been long enough for my taste.  I wish I had a few more days off, but oh well.  Back to work tomorrow.  Anyway, today was kind of nice.  I went to the theater and saw The Sentinel.  It was really good.  I liked it a lot, although I feel it could have been longer without losing it's fast pace.  The story would have been helped by a little fleshing out.

Other than that I didn't do much, except burn a couple of rib eye steaks.  I will never try cooking something by someone else's method again, especially when my way works.  "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."  I ended up having Hamburger Helper for dinner instead of a nice, juicy steak. 

I also rented a couple of movies.  I can't remember the titles.  They're mostly low budget action movies.  I need a cheap thrill once in a while. 

I'm bored, as usual.  I was hoping to talk to someone tonight, but of my two friends currently online one has her away message up and the other is far too depressing at the moment.  It's funny how I can so easily make female friends but can't get a girlfriend.  See, that's the fate of nice guys.

I'm feeling so tired, I might just go to bed early.  That might be nice.  I've had a long day. 

Sunday, April 30, 2006

I'm throwing in the towel...

I give up.  I'm not struggling anymore. 

I talked to Stacy Friday.  It was just basically a "How ya doin'?" conversation.  She said she'd been really busy all week and had finals this coming week.  She's having to retake the test she was studying for last week, blah, blah, blah.  I saw her Saturday morning when me and the guys went for breakfast.  When I left I asked her if she wanted to do something after she got off work.  She said, "Yeah, sleep."

That's that.  I've taken as much as I can take and I'm not going to take anymore.  I am through trying.  She's got my number so she can call me if/when her schedule eases up.  In the meantime I've got better things to do than worry about if she is going to want to do something sometime.  Life goes on.

Fucking pisses me off, disappoints me, and about a hundred other things.  But what ya gonna do?

Thursday, April 27, 2006

I'm in that kind of mood...

I loved this the first time I ever read it and I love it more now.

Girls--have a sense of humor! (plz)

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.


All Good Things

My off days are Tuesday and Wednesday, and so for the past couple of days I've been feeling pretty good.  Not great, but good.  Mostly, things have not been bothering me as they were before.  But that kind of went out the window today.  I'm starting to worry again and feel depressed about having to go back to work.

I hate work, but who doesn't?  It's not like it's hard, or all that stressful anymore.  I just don't care anymore so the stress is gone.  But for some reason I feel like I'm going to the execution chamber when it's time to go back.  I don't really understand it.  Maybe there is some underlying anxiety there that I am just not seeing.  Or maybe I am seeing it.

There is, of course, something else on my mind that is bothering me that I've been pretty much ignoring until today.  I'm a little worried about being asked about Stacy by Josh and Shane, the guys I eat breakfast with on Saturdays.  And I'm nervous about Saturday morning, because that will probably be the first time I will have seen or spoken to Stacy since last week. 

I don't know what happened or went wrong, if anything did.  I'm in that state of not understanding that I fucking cannot stand.  And I really, really don't want to call her.  But right now, I feel like I just might.  Did I do something to piss her off?  Only one way to find out.  Is she suddenly not interested?  I deserve to be told that instead of just being ignored.

Is she waiting for me to call?  Is she too busy to call me?  Is she mad at me for something?  Did she realize I'm not what she thought?  Did she meet someone better?  Am I worrying about nothing?  Am I being bothered by something that should just roll off my shoulders? 

You know what?  I'm going to take a shower and shave.  Hopefully after that I will feel better.  And I might even call Stacy.  I'll probably call Stacy.  Hmmm.  I think she has clinicals today so I think I should probably call tomorrow if I do.  Just trying to be courteous.  Fuck, maybe I should just wait until Saturday?  You see, I really don't know what to do. 

I don't like this.  I don't like playing games.  I don't like being ignored.  And I don't like feeling...inadequate...not good enough.  I suffer from insecurity, I admit it.  I'm usually good at controlling it, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.  I'm not a jealous person.  I don't see the need to be.  But I still have those feelings and worries.  I just don't let them affect me if I can.  Sure, I talk about it here and let all of my worries out, but that is what this journal is for.  This is where I let down the walls.  Let you peek behind the curtain. 

I don't really know what to do.  I might just do the shrug my shoulders cause it doesn't bother me thing.  Fuck it, Shane knows it does.  But he doesn't understand it any better than me. 

You know, I feel like I did something wrong.  But I can't figure out what that is.  And if I try to go with the, "Well, maybe she's just a bitch" train of thought I feel like I'm being unfair to her because I don't know the reasons for what the fuck is going on.  See?  I'm such a nice guy I try to excuse another person's fucked up actions.  I shouldn't, but I can't help it.  I do like this girl.  But maybe she is just not worth liking.   

Sunday, April 23, 2006

It's Almost Funny

Ever notice how every time I add an upbeat or happy entry it's followed by about ten down or pissed off entries? 

Welcome to "My Life" starring me, the pessimistic asshole.

Mixed Signals

I don't understand women.  Never have, never will.  Every time I think I've got even one of them figured out I find out I'm wrong.  I realize this, but it's still frustrating as hell and it's really got me pissed off today.

I'm doing my best not to let things like this bother me, but I'm sorry.  One week she's interested, the next she seems to care less.  I don't know what I should or shouldn't do.  I can't figure it out.  I have no idea what so ever and it's pissing me off. 

I keep telling myself that it's probably just that she is busy as hell.  I can't say that doesn't make sense.  She works two jobs and goes to school.  But I've also got this little voice in the back of my head saying, "Yeah, that's just to convenient."  I don't know.  That's the frustrating part. 

Maybe I'm just an asshole.  

Why can't I be ignored by the ones I don't like, instead of the other way around? 

You know something?  I used to have a rule, "NO BLONDES."  I broke that one the first time with Stephanie.  Ha.  Broke it again this time.  Fuck me.

Maybe I am just an asshole.  Maybe I've been screwed over so much I'm expecting everyone to do it and that I'm worrying or being bothered when I shouldn't be.  At least I'm getting the frustration out on my own and not taking it out on her by being a dick. 

I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't know where I'm going.  Life sucks right now. 


Thursday, April 20, 2006

Tonight is going to suck

Sad is the closest I could get to shitty, lonely, and depressed.  I'm feeling absolutely pathetic right now.  Loneliness isn't so bad for the most part unless there is actually a real person who you'd like to be spending your time with.  Any person will do, as long as they are real.  If it's just some pie in the sky, imagined person it's different. It's not so bad then.

I don't really know what I'm talking about.  I'm tired, and I have to work tonight.  I halfway want to call in, but it won't be any different tomorrow.

I'd like to talk to Stacy, but I'll call her tomorrow.  She had to be at school from eight in the morning to eight tonight.  On top of that she thinks she got her roommate's sinus infection.  I'll let her rest.  Hell, maybe she wants me to call.  Tomorrow will do.  It's not like she doesn't have my number. 

Am I sounding utterly desperate?  I admit, I am a little desperate for attention.  This last month I've been getting a decent amount here and there.  And then this past couple of days a couple of different things didn't work out.  Shit happens, but that's life.  I just need to get the fuck out of my apartment, and going to work will be good for that.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Stormy Weather, Stormy Mood

I'm bored, very bored.  And I'm not in the best mood on top of that.  I've hung out with that girl, her name's Stacy, and it's been fun.  I went out to dinner with her and a couple of her friends Easter Sunday and then we had a few beers at her apartment last night.  She only lives a few hundred feet away from me. 

Anyway, we had thought about getting together tonight to hang out, but shit sort of piled up.  She has an assload of homework, she has to be at clinicals three hours earlier than usual (she's a nursing student), etc, etc.  She's going to call me if she gets freed up, but I'm not holding my breath.

Another thing that has me kind of bummed is that this girl is dangerous.  She's sweet, and for some reason is interested in me, but she's also got a history, like all of us.  That history worries me a little, though I try and not let things like that bother me.  I like her.  That's the main problem.  I like her.  

Got to be careful.  Fucking games, I hate them.  But you got to play if you want to win.  

I've got to get out of my apartment for a little while, even if there's a fucking storm brewing outside.  I need some air.  I need some ass too.  And a million bucks, (though I'd settle for three or four grand), and a new car, and a better job, and lower rent....

Needs.  We've all got them.  All right.  So I don't really NEED any of that shit.  But I want it.  What I need is an 'easy' button. 

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Stacey=Blonde Bombshell that just went off on me...

So, I'll just make a long story short.  I got one of those extremely pleasant, but fucking out of this world surprised you get sometimes.  Every Saturday a couple of guys and me go to this little diner for breakfast.  Working there is a very attractive girl named Stacey.  I've had a thing for Stacey since the first time I saw her.  She beautiful.  Hell, she's why we eat there!

So every Saturday, or ever other since she changed her schedule, me and Stacey flirt and tease etc.  Hell, I thought she had a boyfriend.  The first time I saw her she had a ring with a HUGE rock on her finger.  I thought she was definitely engaged.  A couple of weeks later I realize she isn't wearing it.  A couple of weeks after that I get a really good look at...and realize it's fake.  She bought it herself.  Um, set that one down in the memory file entitled, "DUMB ASS ASSUMPTIONS."

Any, I was teasing her one morning and she got kind of playfully mad, as women like to do to drive men insane, so I decided to be cute and drove back to WalMart and bought her a rose.  Which she still has, by the way.  This was about a month ago now, I think.  Maybe not quite that long. 

Didn't I say I was going to keep this short?  Anyway, we did some more teasing and flirting this morning.  And then at the end of the morning she wants my phone number.  She ask me, sorta.  It was kind of through a friend.  But I gave it to her.  Of course I gave it to her.  Who the fuck do you think I am?

Well, I consider this a good fucking day.  And if she wants to hang out tonight?  Fuck, WalMart can survive without me.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

This song always made me think of her...and it still does...

"I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you’re far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I’m wondering what you’re dreaming
Wondering if it’s me you’re seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we’re together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

I don’t want to miss one smile
I don’t want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
I don’t want to miss a thing"

This song is the dream I had.  It was a dream that didn't come true.  And every day I'm going to remember that.  I guess I should try and forget.  But I won't.  Hell, it's been eight months and it still hurts to listen to this song.  The last time if felt good listening to it was when I'd asked her out that night and she'd said yes.  That was back when I thought the dream was on the verge of becoming reality.  The the alarm went off and it was time to wake up.

I'm Starved for Attention

I need something to do, so after I eat dinner I think I am going to see Lucky Number Slevin.  I don't really want to go alone, but the last three times I've tried to go to a movie with another person they've canceled on me, etc. 

Tomorrow I'm going to to the paper work to finally get all of my debt consolidated.  That'll be nice.  At least I'll have it done, finally.  I won't have to worry about my medical bills forcing me to go rob a bank.

I also called to see how many miles I'd earned with my Visa United Mileage Plus card.  It's well over 4,000.  Guess what else I found out.  I have to have 25,000 before I can redeem them.  Lovely.  The circumference of the fucking earth is only 24,901.55 miles!!!  If I ever get that many I'm booking a round the world flight.  I won't leave a single airport, I just want to annoy the fuck out of these cock suckers. 

At least I have rib eyes for dinner.  And red potatoes.  And macaroni and cheese.  And sour dough rolls.  And a bottle of wine.  Hmm, maybe I'll skip the movie for the wine.  Cause it's one or the other.  I'm not driving drunk.  And I don't feel like drinking alone, either.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006


Since I have On the Road to submit again, due to it's most recent rejection, I'm sending it off to L. Ron Hubbard's Writers of the Future Contest.  You can't fucking keep me down.  Watch it get rejected for being to violent.  Ha!  Then after July 1st I'll send them Satisfaction.

Oh, and I'm working on another story, by the way.  Don't know what I'll call it yet, though.


I got a response about one of my stories today.  REJECTED.  Again.  No big deal.  I wasn't exactly expecting anything else.  It's not like I had my hopes up or anything.  Still waiting to hear back from Realms of Fantasy about the other.

You DON'T Have Mail

No mail.  Why is that so depressing?  My cell phone is cut off because I don't have the available cash to pay the bill because I fucked up and went in the negative on my checking account.  Apparently I made a little mistake and put a 5 instead of a 4 in my transaction book.  The lady at the bank said I keep excellent records, which is great, but that the little mistake screwed me over.  They cut my fees in half but it was still a bitch.  Anyway, I still managed to have fifty bucks after all is said and done, but still, it sucks.

I'm going to get the rest of my loan in the next day or two.  I really, really need it now.  I've got to get this shit taken care of.  The guy at the bank says I'm making the right move by consolitdating, but he wishes that for my sake I could make larger payments and pay it off quicker.  Too bad life doesn't work that way, huh?

I want to talk to my friend Jennifer.  We both go to UAB.  Have I talked about her?  We were in that creative writing class I took way back when me and Stephanie were first getting to know each other.  And now that me and Jennifer are getting to know each other better we're both kicking ourselves for not getting together back then.  Fucking figures, doesn't it? 

The problem?  The usual.  She has a boyfriend...a serious one.  But there is definitely a mutual attraction, desire, etc.  She hot.  She is so very hot.  Like SuicideGirl hot.  She's beautiful, gorgeous, and unavailable.  Okay, now what?

It's the same fucking story every time I actually discover, or in the case rediscover, someone I'm really interested in on more than one level.  It's fucked up.  Bad enough this whole Stephanie thing is still kicking me in the nuts on occasion, but now this?

Fuck it.  Like I said, what's new?

Well, for one thing I think I settled on a tattoo...again.  I still like the idea of my name in Elvish, but this one is cool too.  It's a prayer from the movie The Boondock Saints.  I'm thinking it would look good in Gothic lettering on my upper arm coming down from the shoulder.  You're probably wondering what it is, so here you go:

"And shepherds we shall be.

For Thee, my Lord, for Thee.

Power hath descended forth

from Thy hand, that our feet

may swiftly carry out Thy

command.  So we shall flow a

river forth to Thee, and teeming

with souls it shall ever be.

In Nomine Patris, et Fili,

et Spiritus Sancti."

I like, always have.  I'm no Christian, but if I was I would definitely be a Roman Catholic.  It just fits with my personality.  I like the trappings of it, the mysticism, and the ceremony.  Anyway, if you pay attention to the words of the prayer it is a vigilante's prayer.  That's not exactly a Christian sentiment, considering 'render unto Caesar what is Caesar's' and all that.

I love that movie.  I love that prayer, and as soon as I get the money I'm getting one of the crucifixes they wear.  I don't want to hear any shit about alter boys either.  My grandmother was a Catholic, if not a very good one.  I have respect for the religion as I have respect for all religions, even those I hate.  And yes, you can respect something you hate.  It's something you despise you cannot respect.  And besides, the cross is a symbol far older than Christianity.  I'll put a charm on it or something.

Saturday, April 1, 2006

So Alone

The summer after I graduated from high school I went on a cruise with 11 other people I had graduated with.  It was a really wonderful experience.  I loved it.  But there is one memory from that cruise that sticks out more than any other.

One morning while we were about halfway across the Gulf on our way to Mexico from New Orleans I woke up early.  There was almost no one out and about on the entire ship.  I went out on deck and took a seat near the railing and just looked off at the horizon.  The sky met the water, two blues clashing together, and all I could think was how alone I felt.

When you're out in the ocean away from the sight of land there is nothing but a sense of vast emptiness.  It's very lonely, and a bit frightening.  I must have sat at that railing for over and hour.  I can't deny that it was very peaceful, and a beautiful day, but I was also so very alone.  I hate that feeling of being alone.  Day after day I live in fear that that is how it's always going to be.  Even when I'm with other people it can be that way. 

It's that connection to other human beings I'm missing, be it a connection to close friends, family, or something more.   But it's not there, and that is something I just can't deal with.  I don't know how.  I just don't know what to do.  I just want to shut the entire world away.  I want to live in a dream world where I don't feel like this.

I'm stuck out in the middle of the ocean, and while it's a beautiful, peaceful day I am out there all alone with no one to share it with.  Everywhere I turn there is nothing.  Nothing. 

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Couch Bum

I admit it.  I really like that song.  And I love the video.  I'm a guy and I would kill for her body! 

Anyway, I don't know what this entry is about, but I was sitting on my couch and remembered I was still online.  I'd been downloading some stuff and since I have dial-up it takes forever.  I see that my friend is also online but has her away message up.  She's HOT!  I just thought I'd throw that out there.  Cause it's true. 

The Bodyguard is on tv right now.  It's a good movie, and I haven't seen it in a long time.  I've actually been thinking of buying it lately, but I didn't.  Maybe I will. 

I did a little shopping today.  I bought some t-shirts, CDs, and a couple of DVDs.  I got Eminem's new CD, and a couple of older ones.  I'm tired.  And I guess I should be.  It's after midnight.  I didn't realize it was that late.  No wonder I'm hungry again.  I cooked some steaks tonight, but they were not that good.  I think it was the marinade.  I have yet to find one that is worth a damn.  Or maybe I need to get a grill and stop broiling my steaks.  It could be that.  I don't know.

I sent those two stories off first thing this morning.  Well, I worked out a little bit and then sent them off.  I hadn't lifted weights in a while and felt like I needed to get back into it.  I'll do it for a month, and then quit for a month.  I need to stick with it.  But that's me.  I do so much that I run out of time/energy.  Or I just get into those funks where I can't do anything buy lay on the couch. 

I do that a lot.  Laying on my couch, I mean.  It's a nice couch though, and I figure I should get all the use out of it I can.  But I've been neglecting my bed.  Well, I didn't neglect my bed last night.  I finally got around to putting on my new sheets.  They are so soft, it's like heaven.  Too bad I'm the only one who is enjoying them. 

Oh, well.  I think I'm going to go eat something.  I just don't know what yet.  I need to clean up my kitchen too, but that can wait until tomorrow.  I hope I get plenty of sleep.  I'm already dreading going back to work.  Lovely.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Random Perverted Cleverness

These things just come to me sometimes.  I can't help myself.  I just have to say them.  But there's no one around to share this with, so here you go ladies:

I've got the hot meat filling for your soft taco.



Yeah, I know.  I need to grow up.  But isn't being up the problem?

See?  I just can't help it.  It's a disease.  Help me.....