Monday, October 31, 2005

I've got a lot to offer

I know it sounds like I am full of myself, but I really do have a lot to offer.  I don't think much of myself in the looks department, but if I can believe a lot of other people I think I can at least say I'm cute.  That's the most common word used, anyway.

I just want to be able to care about someone and not hold anything back.  I want to just let go, relax, and let my feelings take me where they will. 

Now, the trick is to find someone who wants that from me.  That's the trick.  And it's a hell of a trick to pull off.  Some people are afraid of it.  I don't really know why.  If someone cares for me, I try to appreciate it as it is.  I can't remember a time in my life I wanted someone to care less, just differently and more. 

Maybe I ask too much.  Hell, maybe I don't ask enough.  I don't really know.  I try to be a very flexible person.  I like being able to fit myself to someone else.  I don't change at my core, but I can try to fit someone's individual needs. 

This sounds so weird to me.  There is just so much I'm trying to figure out.  The question I always (for many years now) asked myself is a simple one.  What is wrong with me? 

Don't tell me there is nothing.  I fail at every attempt I try at a romantic relationship.   Am I just to willing to allow myself to feel?  Is that it.  I don't see why embracing what you feel is a bad thing.  You only have one life to live and I figure it is better to burn out than to fade away.  Why not enjoy what you feel while you have it.  If it goes away in time, then so be it.  It will come again, with the same person or with someone else. 

And hopefully, one day it will come with one person and stay.  I'm looking for that one person, sure.  I would never deny it.   But at the same time I'm looking for whatever might be in the meantime.  I don't want that to be nothing.  Nothing hurts too much.  Nothing leaves me to remember all the times I've lost instead of being able to revel in what I have. 

Okay, time to stop this.  I need sleep. 

Long day ahead

I've got a long day ahead of me.  I got off work and gave a friend, Michelle, a ride home.  After that I came back to my apartment and took a shower.  At 9:30 I'm going to call Stephanie.  We are supposed to get together at her office to study for our test tomorrow.

I'm hungry as hell too.  I don't know what I want to eat though.  But I've got to eat something.  Anything but fast food.  The idea of that makes me sick. 

I'm so glad I only have one more night of work this week.  Last night went okay.  I'm trying to get there early and I'm taking thirty minute lunches to make up some of my lost time.  I won't get it all, but I'll get a little and that's better than nothing.

Tomorrow, Star Wars Episode III comes out on dvd.  I can hardly wait.  Finally, the saga is complete.  I'll be able to see the whole story, or any part of it, whenever I want.  John and Jennifer are coming over tomorrow night to watch it with me.  It should be fun, if I can stay awake. 

I also told Michelle we should go play pool Wednesday night.  She said she didn't know if she's doing anything.  That's means 'No.'  Hey, I had to try.  Who knows, she might just give me a call.  I won't get my hopes up though.  That would be a waste of effort.  I need to find something to do though.  I don't want to sit here doing nothing. 

Heather said something about wanting to watch all of the Star Wars movies.  Maybe she'd like to do that some time.  I have a test in World History, but we could do it after that if she doesn't have to work.  It'll take a

I need to find a  But we've all known that for a while.  Just someone I can count on, someone I can be there for.  Someone to share those special things with.  Someone who likes art museums, site seeing in Birmingham, going to movies, snuggling under a warm blanket while drinking hot chocolate, watching all the movies I love, holding hands as we walk wherever, kissing in dark movie theaters, etc. 

Yeah, I'm a fucking romantic.  Hopeless?  No.  Hope and happy ending are what romantics are all about.  Even if they're not the ones you wanted or expected.  I need someone else to focus all this energy I've got on.  I don't have a clue who.  I don't want to fuck up again.  But we'll see.  Life's a journey, not a destination, as the wise man said.  And there are always bumps in the road.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Ironic Random Thought

I felt so lonely last night that at one point I had to get away from all the people at the party to be alone.  Isn't that weird?  I was so lacking a connection with some other human being that the idea of being around other people was unbearable. 

I've felt better

I'm not hung least not enough to notice.  I just feel generally shitty.  I guess I could use a little more sleep.  Maybe I'll take a nap before work.  I don't know.  I slept most of the day away.  It was nice.

I called Stephanie when I woke up.  I got her voicemail and left her a message telling her to call me back.  I just want to tell her I'm sorry for sneaking off without saying goodbye.  I felt kind of bad about that, but it'll be okay.  I also want to see when she wants to get together to study for our philosophy test too.

I didn't really intend on breaking down last night, but all of a sudden it just came over me, and I totally lost it.  I was sitting in my car so I just threw the hood of my cloak over my head and locked the doors, and then I just let it overtake me.  It wasn't fun.

Alcohol does strange things to people.  For me, it allows me to let go.  I could let out pure, unadulterated hate last night.  A few people saw me with my "thousand yard stare" and shied away at times.  And then it let me release all the anguish I've been feeling.  It's good to let those things go.  They'll kill you if you don't get it out some way.  I can't let go of my control when I'm sober, not completely, but I can when I drink.  It's good that I can use it that way, but I'll always have to be careful.   

It is so stupid the way things are.  It just doesn't make any sense to me.  I am sick of it.  Sick of being alone.  Sick of being hurt.  Sick of feeling like an asshole for being the better man.  And I am that.  It was made pretty clear to me a few times last night.  People who know me have come to expect a higher standard from me because that is what I hold myself too.  And I continue to hold myself to it. 

It's hard feeling like I feel.  It's sadness, but it is also resignation.  I feel like I've got to start all over again and that I'll only be setting myself up for another fall.  Except every time I fall, I fall further.  It hurts more.  It's harder to get back up.  But some stubborn part of me won't stay put.

Anyway, I'm tired of it.  I want it to stop.  I just don't know how to make it stop. 

I played some online poker a little while ago.  I lost pretty quickly.  I justdon't have it in me to play tournaments.  Once in a while I do good, but not often.  And it's never good enough.  I get impatient with the pace of the play, or I get mad at another player trying to bully me and I fall into a trap.  Doesn't matter.  It'll all be okay in the end.

That's what I keep telling myself.  It will all be okay in the end.  Who the fuck am I kidding?  There is nothing okay about me right now.  And there is nothing I can do to make me okay.  I need someone else to do that.  I want that someone else to be Stephanie, more than anything.  But at this point, I'll take anyone who can honestly feel for me.  And I'll be able to honestly feel for them too.  Those feelings will be sparked by gratitude, no doubt, and fueled by that too.  But they'll be honest, and they'll be just as real all the same...

Stephanie just called.  She could only talk a second, but she said she'll call me back after dinner. 

I suddenly feel just a little bit better.  And you wonder why I love this girl? 

Halloween Party

I went.  I dressed up.  Stephanie came.  She looked amazing.  I drank.  I drank some more.  I drank a whole lot more.  I walked out into a field and lay on the hood of car to stare at the stars for about an hour.  I got cold.  I got in my car and turned it on for some heat.  I got sick.  I puked twice.  I washed my mouth out with some Listerine and water.  I listened to some music.  I cried.  Hard.  Twice.  I had thought I was going to be alright.  I cleaned myself up.  I went back inside the house.  I sat down.  I restrained myself from killing Jeremy, somehow.  I got very angry.  I smashed my fist into the wall.  I hit it really hard.  It shook the whole house.  My fist feels fine though.  I wish I had hit Jeremy.  I slept for two hours.  In the floor.  I woke up.  It was too cold to sleep any more.  I put my boots.  I left while everyone else was still asleep.  I wish I could have said goodbye to Stephanie.  No, I wish I could kissed her goodbye in her sleep.  I am home now.  I am drinking hot chocolate.  I'll be okay.  One day.  But not today.


Friday, October 28, 2005

Settled Accounts

I've felt kind of odd since last night.  I feel like I've settled accounts.

I put the ball in Stephanie's court as far as telling her how I feel goes.  She has the letter when and if she chooses to read it. That part's up to her.  It's not as if I'd planned on it changing anything anyway, I just felt I needed it to be known.

I went off on John last night big time.  I kind of let all of my anger for everyone out on him all at once.  It felt kind of good, and I didn't leave anything out.  I made it clear that there isn't anything that's going to make me feel better and I'm never going to be okay with the situation.  I really went off on him when he tried to reassure me that Jeremy has no intentions of hurting Stephanie.  As if the success of their relationship is really going to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I also was forced to admit to something yesterday afternoon when I was talking to Heather.  Her boyfriend is coming to visit her next month.  It's kind of an odd arrangement as they've never actually met.  All of their contact has been online via webcame, etc.  Odd, but whatever works, right?  Anyway, she is kind of nervous about the whole thing.  I joked that if it didn't work out, there was always me to fall back on.  When I said that she asked me if I could in good faith start a relationship with someone else knowing how I feel about Stephanie. 

I had to think for a minute, but the answer is that yes, I could.  I've given up on Stephanie.  I made that clear in my letter when I told her how I felt about her.  My feeling are not going to change for her, but at the same time I made myself a promise a long time ago that I wouldn't let something like this hold me back from a good opportunity.  And I won't.  I don't break my promises.  Even the one's to myself.

Those three things all happened fairly close together, and they've left me feeling a little...settled.  I don't know if it's going to last.  It may not.  It could dissappear the minute I see Stephanie and Jeremy at the party tomorrow night.  I don't really know.  I guess I'll find out.

To be honest, I do hope it doesn't go away.  I need this.  It's the only way for me to somehow deal with this.  If I can reach a point where I feel like I've done everything I can do, then I can move forward to whatis next.  I'll keep my promises and be the person I know I am.  No one can ask more from me than that.

Thursday, October 27, 2005


Not long after I got my pizza Jennifer called me to see if I wanted to get my hair cut tonight.  I'd asked her the other day when she stopped by to borrow a movie.  She and John came over around six and did the deed.  She went ahead and cut John's too, just to get it out of the way.  Jennifer ended up leaving and going to the mall with her brother, but John stayed and I copied a bunch of his cd's while we watched movies.

He made the mistake of asking me how I was feeling about the whole "situation."  And I told him.  I didn't hold anything back.  I gave him a little taste of all of it.  Even my anger at him and Jennifer for not saying something earlier to me.  He seemed to really feel bad about it, but I think his whole reason for even bringing it up is because he thinks I am going to do something nuts.  I don't know what, but I don't really care either. 

He said he really missed hanging out like we used too.  I told him it sucked, but I'd rather sit at home alone than hang out with Jeremy.  It just wasn't in it for me.  I mean, the first thing I think of every single time I see Jeremy is the quickest way I could take him down.  His very prescence puts me in a bad mood.  That's not healthy. 

Anyway, I'm about to go to work on no sleep today.  I slept all night, so I know I'll be okay.  I just wish I could have got a little nap in.  I'll be sending another story off to see if I can get it published soon.  I've had two friends give it a once over and offer me advice (thanks again, Ave!).   Both thought it was good.  Now it's time to see if after all the advice it is good enough.  I hope so, but nothing is ever easy.  Still, I can hope. 

I just ordered a Papa John's pizza...and cheese sticks

I like pizza, and I have not had one in a while.  So I went for it.  I'm having one delivered to my apartment.  That's one of the good things about living where I do now.  I get delivery. 

Now, for my day:

I didn't have to take a quiz in Archaeology like I thought I would, which is very good as it would have sucked.  That's the only class I went too.  I hung out with Heather for a little while after class and then I went to Stephanie's house to study for our Philosophy exam.  I didn't stay long.

Stephanie isn't feeling to well.  She looked okay at first, but I noticed that she seemed a little out of it, both tired and weak.  She told me she's thrown up three times today.  That's not good.  She seems to always be getting sick.  I told her that I'd leave and let her get some rest, but she said she no.  A few minutes later she came to her senses and apologized and told me she really just wanted to go to sleep. 

I laughed and told her it was okay.  I completely understand.  She kind of feel into me and I gave her a hug.  I think she needed it.  I told her to get some sleep and get better, and I left.  I hope it's only a passing thing.  I'd hate for her to miss the Halloween Party.  I'm sure it will be fun.  It always is.

I'm sure she'll be okay.  I'm going to try and not worry.  I have a bad habit of that.  She'll be okay.  I'm sure its nothing serious.

Anyway, I'm going to wait for my pizza and watch some tv.  Then maybe I'll read a little and take a nap before work.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I have no idea what to do tonight

This is a great song I'm listening too. 

But that is not what this journal entry is about.  I want to do something tonight, but I don't know what.  And I don't really want to do it alone.  I really need some more friends.   Or some more dates.  I'd call Brittany, but even if she wanted to do something she is either too young to get into most places or she has to be home too early.  Probably both.

I'm not even sure I'll be calling her again.  She never calls me, and never calls back when she says she will or even if I ask her too.  So fuck that.  I hate that kind of thing and I don't want to deal with it.  I could try the last ditch, "Hey, I like you and I'd like to go out again, but I'm not going to waste my time so if you really are interested, tell me."  I mean, it's just dating and all, but I'd like to talk to her and actually go out once in a while.  But I'm not sure I even care. 

So, who will be my next diaster in the making.  I should just ask out every girl I am even slightly interested in.  I mean, let's face it, I fuck it up every time.  Or something just isn't right.  So why the fuck worry.  There is the cost to think of, but who knows?  At the least I might get laid.  That's a horrible way to look at it, I guess, but who doesn't need a good lay once in a while? 

All joking aside, meaningless sex is of no interest to me.  And no, that is not a lie.  I guess that's part of my problem.  I joke around about sex, but in all honesty as much as I may act like hooking up is all I care about I really prefer sex in a relationship.  It's much more interesting that way. 

I don't know, maybe I'm just naive.  Or crazy.  Or just something...

There is nothing good on tv right now.  And the movie I want to see isn't playing at any of the theaters I've ever been too.  And the one I want to see besides that isn't playing for another two hours.  And I'm already feeling kind of tired even though I went to sleep at six in the afternoon yesterday and slept until six in the morning.

Oh, and did I mention I skipped class today?  I had a good reason.  See, I wanted to go because our teacher is handing out our study guide for our exam next Thursday, but I couldn't find a parking spot and didn't have time to park far away and get to class so I said "fuck it."  I'll just wing it.  It'll be okay.  It's another history class.  It's alright as long as I show up.

I think me and Stephanie are going to get together tomorrow afternoon to study a little.  That'll be cool. I'll probably only go to my first class then.  I just had a test in World History so I feel like skipping it.  My paper isn't due until next week.

I've got Saturday night off for John and Jennifer's Halloween party.  I used to call it 'our' Halloween party but it doesn't feel like it this year.  I'm just another guest.  Everything has changed between me and them.  It really sucks.  But that's life, I guess.  The worst part will by far be that Stephanie and Jeremy will be there together.  And I know how much she likes him.  And I'll see it.  Sometimes I don't even want to go. 

Fuck it, I got a bottle waiting for me.  Yeah, I know I said I wasn't drinking anymore.  But I have not since I said that.  I think special occasions are okay.  Besides, I'm hoping a lot of people will be there so maybe I won't have to associate with the ones that will ruin my night. 

I really need someone in my life right now.  Someone special.  I love Stephanie, and nothing is going to change that.  But I need someone, and if it's not going to be her it's got to be someone else.  But who?  That's always the question.  Brittany is interesting, but not enough.  She doesn't have it.  Whatever 'it' is.   Heather does, but Heather is seeing someone. 

There have got to be others like that.  Hell, I know there are.  I can usually tell at a glance if a girl has it.  I should start talking to those girls.  Every single one.  That's a pun, if you didn't catch it. 

Hey, I've got a joke:  Guy goes to the doctor.  Doctor asks what's wrong and the guy tells him his penis is turning orange.  So the Doctor starts asking him questions.  When he asks the guy what his hobbies are, the guy replies, "I like to watch porn and eat cheetos."

Haha.  Laugh with me.

Ever feel like you need to go out and do something really crazy?  I want to go drive really fast, or go to strip club and get lap dances until I pass out.  Or a number of other things.  I can't get into a strip club foranother month and a half, and I won't waste gas driving fast when I don't have anywhere to go.  So...I guess I'll sit at home.  Probably read a little.  Maybe go to sleep early.  Yeah, I'll do that.

Ave, remember when you told me to say goodbye to my life when I first started working?  I didn't believe what little life I had was going anywhere.  But you were right.  It went right down the drain.  And it started before the whole Stephanie mess.  Damn. 

You know what's funny though?  I'm honestly closer to her now than I am to John and Jennifer.  And me and her spend as much or more time together than I do with them.  If fate had just been a little different for me it might have been great.  I could have got the girl, and kept my friends.  As it is, I feel like I lost almost everything.  But I held onto what's important to me.  Because if it had come down to it, I'd have given up everything for Stephanie. 

I just had a little thought.  I said I would have given up everything for Stephanie.   Would have.  Now I'm wondering...Did I?  I mean, I could have just said fuck her, shrugged my shoulders about Jeremy and put all the blame on her, and not have put John and Jennifer in an uncomfortable position.

But I didn't.  And I wouldn't if I could do it over.  Stephanie at least didn't want to hurt me in this whole situation.  Jeremy didn't care.  John and Jennifer didn't do enough to make me think they much cared either.  I mean, why didn't they tell Jeremy he was doing something wrong?  Why didn't they confront Jeremy and Stephanie from then beginning.  They could have said, "You two tell Robert, or we will, right now."  That's what I think friends should have done.  Instead they didn't.  They hung out with them.  Fucking asshole mother fuckers.  I know John told me eventually.  Guilt got the better of him.  I've been able to forgive him a little bit because he did that.  But they are both fucking assholes for what they did.  And while we'll be friends, I'll never trust them again. 

And that's the difference.  I still trust Stephanie.  I know she's going to lie about little things, and there will be things she won't tell me.  And I know she is not perfect.  But when I confronted her about the whole thing she came clean with me.  John couldn't even tell me he and Jennifer had been hanging out with Jeremy and Stephanie. 

I may really have to kick Jeremy's ass one day.  I don't want to because of Stephanie.  But I might have to.  I've got to do something with this anger.  But I need him to step out of line first. 

Is it wrong for me to want him to hurt Stephanie (emotionally!) so that she'll come running into my arms?  I'd get her and an excuse to beat up on him.  How human of me.

I feel jealous, hurt, sad, betrayed, angry, and depressed.  I try to avoid thinking about this whole thing so I don't feel this way, but I always find my way back to it.  I just wish I could somehow change things.  Just once, a single time, I want to get that thing I want more than anything.  I want something that matters in my life.

I hear you all, "Yeah, buddy, who doesn't?" 

Why can't we all be happy?  Is that too much to ask?  I don't think so.  But I'm a romantic.  I believe happiness really is possible

18,000 to go before this generation gets its wall!

2000 American soldiers are dead.  They're not coming back. 

So what do we do?  As much as I hate the mother fucker I agree with the President.  Leaving now would only be a mistake.  What I don't agree with are his methods.  I think his tactics are to soft handed for the situation at hand.  He is trying to get the job finished without really pissing anyone off.  When nations get pissed off they go to war, so obviously no one is that pissed yet.

I'm the type of person who doesn't believe you go to war to make friends.  You make friends when the war is over, if you can.  We've got a problem in Iraq and it needs to be settled.  The people killing our people are getting their weapons from somewhere.  We should find out.  We probably already know.  If it's another country, then drop a nuke near one of their biggest cities as a warning.  If it's a person, but a tomahawk missile through his bedroom window (they can hit within a few feet of a targert from a long way off).

I've heard (but I'm not sure if it's true) that these motherless fucks are coming into Iraq from other countries to stir up this shit storm.  Well, close the borders and have then guarded by our big fucking Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines.  Kill any living thing coming across that border without permission.

All of these seem pretty okay.  At least, they are not that crazy.  Here is the crazy one.  This is the one that really pisses people off.  But it works.  You've got this city or town in Iraq that is either A). So infiltrated it might as well called Terror Town or B). Full of people helping these fucks.  You don't send in the marines or the army.  Here is what you do:  You surround the city or town so no one can get in or out.  You drop leaflets telling the people they can deal with the clusterfuck themselves or we are going to level the city, kill anyone who doesn't surrender, and put into POW camps out in the desert anyone who does.  Then you keep your word.

It's not pretty.  It's called WAR.  A war is a fight.  If you have rules in that fight you've already allowed the enemy to set your terms of surrender for you.  We played this fucking game in Vietnam.  I don't want another fucking wall.  People die in war, we all now that.  But we don'thave to just take it, and accept it.  Not when we can do something about it.

Here's another thing we should do.  We are the wealthiest, most powerful country in the nation.  Let's equip are troops accordingly.  Fuck how much it cost, we are already $8,000,000,000,000 in debt.  What's a billion more to all that?  Send them body armor (the best!), send them the XM-8 (it's meaner than the M-16), and send them our fucking gratitude.  If they get the job done assholes like me don't get drafted.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

I've had worse days

Today hasn't been so bad.  I thought it would be worse than it was.  We did a lab in my archaeology class.  It was boring as hell, but I got to hang out with Heather.

The exam in World History wasn't that bad at all.  I think I was the first to finish.  The multiple choice was easy enough, and the map identification section was okay.  The short answer part was fairly easy, but I'm sure I could have done better.  The essasy was probably the easiest part of all.  There were two options and I wrote on the first emperor of China.

Race, Class, and Gender was nice.  Okay, it was really nice.  It made my day.  It always does.  Can you guess why?  I was thinking today about what it feels like when I'm around Stephanie.  It's like that buzz you get right before your drunk, but after you've had a few drinks.  It's a nice feeling.  You're completely relaxed and feeling like smiling.  She does that to me.  That's just one of the reasons I love her. 

Anyway, after class I went to Circuit City and then Barnes and Noble to buy some CD's, a couple of magazines, and a book.  I bought the new Audioslave, Lifehouse, Aqualung, and Nickleback CDs.  I also bought the first Drowning Pool CD.  I like at least one song on all of them, and will probably like more.  Which is a good thing considering the price of CDs.

The magazines I bought are Esquire's Music Issue and Men's Vogue.  The three magazines I read regularly are Esquire, GQ, and Playboy (yes, I actually read it...not that I don't enjoy the pictures too).  The Men's Vogue is something new, and the issure I got is the first.  It looked interesting so I thought I'd check it out.  Could be good.

I also bought a new book.  It's Robert Jordan's latest installment of The Wheel of Time series.  I don't remember it's title, but I'm sure it will be good.  I think there is only going to be one more book in the series.  I've enjoyed them all, even if they are long running.  Some people don't like long series.  I do.  When they end I always feel depressed.

Now I think I am going to eat some Ramen noodles and then go to sleep. 

Monday, October 24, 2005


I just realized that two exams snuck up on me.  They are both in my history classes, so maybe that will be okay.  I'm only worried about the World History one because I didn't get a study guide for it because I skipped class to have lunch with Stephanie (it was worth it!). 

I am about to go to my US History class so that I can get a study guide and hopefully a little review.  I did great on the last test, so I'm not worried.  As long as I pass things are good.

Time to go.  Oh, and any students out there might want to check out  It's interesting at the very least, and I've seen some of my old high school friends on there.  It basically connects students to each other all over the country.  It's weird, one of those things.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Too true

"I have always wanted that which I cannot have."

Too true, I find, time and again.


I wish I made more money...

The Gun Show was interesting.  I liked it, for the most part.  No, I didn't buy any new guns.  There was one I really, really wanted but I did not have enough money and I couldn't get it today. 

Anyway, I saw a lot of stuff.  I was looking for a number of things and I found most of them.  First, I wanted to find spare clips for my .45.  I did, but they were fifty to seventy-five dollars.  I don't think so.  I'm pretty sure I can get them cheaper online.  Most of the rifles I saw were way overpriced.  I saw a lot of mini-14's that I could have bought in a store for a hundred dollars cheaper.  The ammo was also about fifty bucks more expensive than in the stores.  I thought stuff there were supposed to cheaper!

Okay, I did find some good deals on stuff I liked.  One thing I saw that I really liked was a double rifle.  It was beautiful in old, used sort of way.  It was .303 claiber, which is not what I want in a double, but decent.  I know it was pretty old too.  It had ivory sites.  You can not import irovy into the U.S. anymore at all.  A gun with an irovy site will not make it through customs unless the site is ripped off (the nerve!).  Anyway, I loved it, but I couldn't afford it.  It was under five hundred bucks, which seems like a great deal on something that old (I am assuming it was still operational), but I didn't have that much cash.

Another thing I found was fatigue pants.  For the unenlightened, those are what they were in the army (technically they're called BDU's for Battle Dress Uniforms).  Anyway, I like to wear them to work and also when I go shooting.  And just for the hell of it.  They have six pockets that come in handy and they're pretty comfortable.  Plus they're pretty cool.  They're used, but in good condition.  I got two pair for twenty bucks.

I was also looking for a Winchester Model 70 rifle in the left handed configuration.  I shoot rifles and shotguns left handed (even though I'm right handed), so I need that configuration on a bolt action rifle otherwise I'm slow as hell because of the way I have to chamber a new round.  It's too much of a pain in the ass for me to deal with so I prefer automatics.

I saw a Ruger Mini-30, which is basically the Mini-14 except it is chambered for the 7.62X39 round instead of .223.  I'd like to pick oneup, but it was out of my price range at a little over five hundred bucks.  They retail for about eight hundred though, so it would be a good deal considering it was new in the box.

Another thing that caught my eye was a Winchester Model 1300 Defender.  It's a 12 guage shotgun.  I want to pick up one of those to keep in my apartment.  It is and excellant close quarters gun.  It was decently priced at a little over two hundred dollars, but it looked beat to hell.  And I want one with a combo shoulder stock and pistol grip.  This one only had the shoulder stock.

I walked around for about two hours looking at stuff.  I left when I got hungy.  I would have eaten there and stayed longer, but I wasn't going to pay $4.50 for two hot dogs, $3.50 for a medium drink, and $2.50 for a small order of fries.  I decided to get something when I left instead.

A couple of other cool things I saw:  hand made bows, arrows, etc by Sioux (spelling?) tribesman from North Dakota, a very nice throwing axe I came within a milimeter of buying, a tactical gear vest I came I wanted but didn't buy (it had a holster for my pistol, extra mag holders for pistol clips, and mag holders for larger rifle mags).

Most of the dealers were business like, but friendly.  Some were gruff, but I'll put that off as a result of old age.  The only assholes I encountered were other people who came to the show, and I only encountered them indirectly.  Overall it was nice.  I would have liked to have gone with someone though.  I was surprised to see a number of attractive women of all ages there.  However, none of them were alone.  They were all with family or significant others.  Still, some of them obviously knew their way around guns.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Time to mingle

I'm still all tangled up inside about Stephanie.  Wednesday and Thursday were nice days.  I really enjoyed the time I spent with her.  I don't deny that they are always bitter sweet though.  On the one hand, it is great to spend time with her.  On the other, it just serves to remind me of how much more I want.  But it's enough.  Somehow it's enough.

Anyway, today I plan on skipping out on sleep to do a little mingling with some fellow gun nuts at the local gun show.  I've never been to one before, and I've been looking forward to it.  My friend Bryan from work was supposed to go with me, but he can't.  So I am going alone.  If I don't go until after ten o'clock I might call John and see if he wants to go with me.  He said he wanted to when I talked about it a while back, but he'll probably back out.

I don't know if I'll buy anything, but I'm going to take about three or four hundred dollars.  I might find a great deal.  I know if I don't take any money I'll see a hundred great deals. 

I'm also looking forward to meeting some people.  Hopefully there will be some nice people, or at least more nice people than assholes.  I've encourtered both on this particular adventure.  I guess we'll see.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

How very anticlimatic...

I went to school feeling a little worried about seeing Stephanie.  My first class went okay, except it went on forever.  I went to my second class and had just got my computer out when my phone rang.  It was Stephanie.

She asked me what I was doing, and I told her nothing.  She asked me where I was and I told her the building I was in.  She said we should have lunch.  She told me where she was and I told her I'd see her in five minutes.  I was not really sure what to expect.  I figured she wanted to talk. 

Well, she didn't.  She just wanted to have lunch.  When I walked over to where she was the first thing she did was to smile.  That in itself brushed away many of my fears and a lot of my nervousness.  She told me she hadn't read the letter.  She said she started too, but after reading only half of the first page she realized our friendship could be at risk and she wasn't ready to do that.

She told me she would read it if I asked her too.  I told her she could wait as long as she wanted, but that one day she would have to read it. She said she would, and it wouldn't take ten years.  She said her curiosity would get the better of her eventually.  I both hope for and fear for the day it does.

Anyway, after that I drove her to her bank so she could get a new ATM card and do some other things.  She couldn't get any cash because she lost her Driver's License.  We went to Subway and I bought us lunch.  Then I bought her some TCBY.  She said she owed me a nice lunch somewhere. 

Today was nice too. Just like yesterday.  Just like many days to come, I hope.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Oh shit, he did it...

Yeah, I did it.  I took Stephanie lunch at work today.  We hung out there and then back at her house.  She had to go back to work, and I left.  It was a nice day.  I really enjoyed spending the time with her, and I think she really enjoyed spending the time with me.  But it may very well have been the last time. 

I gave her the letter, and she asked when she should read it.  I told her when she was alone.  I told her I wanted her to keep what was in the letter between us, but that I didn't really have any right too.  She kind of laughed and said she would, but I told her I was serious about having no right to ask her that and that I was doing one of the most selfish things I had ever done.  She asked me if I wanted to call her after she read it.  I told her that was up to her, and I left pretty quickly.

I haven't heard from her.  I'd like to though.  But not if she doesn't want to talk to me though.  I hope she can forgive me.  I hope I didn't just destroy the one slightly good thing in my life.  I'm afraid I might have though.  She's been a great friend to me. 

But I do love her, and it was time I told her.

I just spent two hours writing a letter.

I just spent two hours writing a letter.  Yeah, I decided to take the cowards way out.  But there were a lot of reasons.  I don't know if I could say everything I needed to say if I was speaking.  I don't want to see her get mad at me.  I don't want to see her look at me with pity. 

I'm going to try and give it to her today.  If not today, then tomorrow.  I thought about posting what I'd written up here, but I'm not going to do that.  This is one of those things that needs to remain private. 

I'm still afraid, but I'm resigned to the fact that I am who I am.  And I'm never going to change.  I do the things I do because of who I am.  I react to things the way I do because of who I am.  I can't be anyone but who I am.  I've been trying, and I failed.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

So tired

"Stephanie, I love you."

Seems so easy.  That's what I want to say.  But I'm afraid of what it might bring about. 

Look at it from another perspective (possible one she might have):  this is just one last desperate attempt to swing her my way. 

It's not.  I've never really tried to sway her in any way.  I'm afraid if I did that I would only push her away.  I'm afraid of doing that.  I don't want to lose what I've got. 

But you can't gain anything if you don't risk, right? 

It would be the most selfish thing I've done.  If I decide to tell her, I might just tell her that too.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Out of control

I feel so out of control.  I start thinking of Stephanie and I get so down I just want to die.  It's horrible.  And then it gets to the point that I have to find some form of distraction, and I throw myself into it, to the exclusion of all else.  But it's fleeting, and soon I'm thinking of Stephanie again.  And the cycle starts all over. 

In the end, time and again, I keep coming back to Stephanie.  I don't know if I'm stupid, stubborn, or just insane.  Maybe it's all three.  I just can't bring myself to let go.  I clutch onto everything wonderful I feel about her even though it burns me.  I keep wondering if I am the machinery of my own destruction.  

Every single time I make the slightest headway something happens and I come crashing back down again.  I'm broken, and I don't have a clue how I can fix myself. 

Is it selfish of me to want Stephanie to love me the way I love her?  Because it feels that way.  I feel guilt because I want it so much, but I can't stop wanting it. 

I believe in something.  I call it honor.  Do I compromise my honor my not letting go?  Or would letting go be an even worse blow to my honor?

I don't have any answers.  I keep wondering if I'm a fool.  You see, I trust people.  I refuse to believe in a world that doesn't allow trust.  Without trust, I can never have what I need, and what I want so much. 

Yet, almost every single time I've allowed myself to trust I've been hurt.  Sometimes it's only a little hurt, and sometimes it's a terrible pain.  And everytime a little bit of my soul is stripped away.  Every time there is less and less.  That which makes me who I am is dying inside of me.  Yet if I protect that part of me by refusing to trust, then I've killed it just as sure as anyone else.  So what do I do?

I don't know how to overcome this.  The hope is that in time I will be okay, and that this will all have faded away.  A time when I won't remember this anymore except as a vague, dark time in my life.  Believe it or not, I'm afraid of that more than anything.  I don't want to forget Stephanie.  I don't  want her to fade away. It will be like she is dead to me, and I don't want that.  I don't want to believe that one day I'm going to run into someone else who is going to make me forget her and not care about her anymore. 

Every time I see her, or think of her, I know I don't want to live in a world where she doesn't matter to me.  I don't want to live in a world where I am indifferent to her.  I don't want to live in a world where I hate her.  I don't want to live in a world where I have ripped her out of my heart so that the place that used be hers is just a numb spot, like a limb that has been cut off with only a vague shadow of what was remaining. 

I'm afraid of looking back on this time as just an embarrassing blip in my life.  I feel like I'll look back and see a time when I went insane.  But I'm afraid that if I ever believe that then I will have given up to true insanity.  If a crazy person believes he is sane, then does sanity become insanity?

I'm so afraid of what the future will bring.  I only want it to bring me one thing.  I don't have any doubt what so ever that I will survive.  What I'm afraid of is what I'll do to myself in order to survive.  I'm afraid of what I'll give up.  The only way to get over her is to change the way I see her.  I'll have to make her someone I couldn't possible want, someone beneath my notice.  Someone I despise. 

And she doesn't deserve that.  And I don't deserve to have to do that to someone I love. 

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Rough Night

I had kind of a rough night last night.  Stephanie came into WalMart with John, Jennifer, and Jeremy.  She looked so beautiful.  I would have given anything to just pull her into my arms and hold her forever.  But I couldn't.  And that really hurt. 

I love her so much.  I realize that again every time I see her.  And every time I think about her.  Some times I get so mad at her over this whole thing.  And sometimes I feel so selfish.  Loving her feels so good, and it hurts so bad.  I just can't come to terms with it. 

Any time in the past when I've been in a similar situation the pain has caused me to walk away, and stay away.  Never before have I felt like the pain is worth it just to feel what I feel for her.  Just my feelings for her are keeping the pain in check, to an extent. 

I know this is crazy, and I know I'm out of my fucking mind, but all I want and all I dream about is her walking up to me and telling she made a mistake. 

It's not fair that the world should be this way.  I keep asking myself what evil thing did I do in a past life to deserve this?  What evil did I do in this life to deserve this?  And if this is "just life," then is is worth it?  I know it would be worth it if....But what kind of life is one lived on an "if"?

I don't know what to do.  I'm trying to live a life.  But I don't know if I'm really living it.  I feel like I'm just going through the motions.  Everything is just numb.  All of my emotional energy is caught up around Stephanie.  I don't feel anything about anything else unless it is somehow related back to her.

Everyday I'm reminded of what I want so desperately, and of what I don't have.  And yeah, I'm afraid I'll never have it.  All of my shallow and bland attempts to "move on, and get over it" are just that, shallow and bland.  They have no meaning. 

They say time will make it all better.  Time will bring change, and that change will be good.  But time has brought me nothing but pain and despair over and over again.  I don't even have hope anymore.  All I have is a wish.  And a wish isn't worth a damned thing and we all know it. 

When you crave one particular kind of food, everything else is tasteless.  It doesn't matter the quality or how well it is prepared.  But time usually brings a change in your tastes.  You'll want a different kind of food at some point.  And that's where the metaphore breaks down.  I've been craving the same thing for as long as I can remember.  Time doesn't bring that big of a change.  There will be little changes.  But one thing remains constant.  I'll always need to eat. 

Right now, I'm starving.

If this were just about food, the solution would be simple.  I'm starving.  The only thing out there to eat, someone else has.  Kill that 'someone else' and I get the food and no longer have to worry about competition. 

If only it were that simple. 

You know something though?  I really wish duels were legal.  I've only got a wish at this point, and no hope of it ever coming true.  What the fuck would I be giving up if I lost?  Not much, really. 

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Fun, Fun, Fun

Me:  "So, what do you do for fun, besides hanging out in cemeteries at night?"

Brittany:  "Uh, I don't know.  I talk on the phone with my friends.  And I try to go to there houses when I can."

Me:  "The benefits of living in the middle of nowhere, huh?"

Brittany:  "Yeah, I guess."

I finally got a hold of Brittany tonight.  I called once and she wasn't at home, but her dad told me when to call back.  I did, and I talked to her for a few minutes.  She was waiting for her friend to pick her up so they could go to a cemetery to make some film thing for Literature class.  Sounds kind of fun, doesn't it?

Our phone conversations still seem to have a lot of those uncomfortable silences.  That will pass, once we find out what to talk about it.  It's me as much as her.  I get her on the phone and then my mind goes blank, or I start worrying about something instead of just letting things come naturally. 

Anyway, she had to let me go for a few minutes at one point, and then she called me back.  We chatted for a couple of more minutes, and then I guess her friend got there.  She said she'd call me back tonight, or tomorrow night.  I had joked earlier about not talking to someone for six months because they said they would call me back and never had.  It's a funny story, and slightly true.

Now, I just have to get around to asking her on a second date.  I'm liking this Vulcan idea.  It could be fun.  Maybe a picnic?

Yes, I am good. And you know it.

I did actually come up with an idea.  There is this huge cast iron statue of Vulcan on top of Red Mountain in Birmingham surrounded by a big park.  I've never been there before, but I've always wanted to go.  It's supposed to have great views of the city from the observation tower, and it's got this little museum type deal with a gift shop and everything.  It's only six bucks a person to get in too. 

If she's interested it could be fun.  And we could do it earlier in the day.  Plus, afterwards we could get the ice cream I promised her. 

This is all assuming she likes the idea, or that something she likes to do doesn't sound better.  She lives out in the middle of nowhere, so I have no idea what she likes to do.  I think I'm actually the first guy who has ever taken her somewhere besides McDonald's to eat.  What can I say?  I try. 

One of the first things her dad said when I saw him at work Thursday night was, "I want to know what you did to my daughter."  My answer was a slightly panicked, "I didn't do anything!  I was nice the whole time."  He said she wasn't talking to any other guys on the phone anymore.  I thought that was kind of funny.  I gave him a look that said, Well, of course.

This whole park thing has possibilities.  I was checking out the website and it looks like some Sunday's they have concerts there.  The performers are local bands that get featured on this thing called Reg's Coffee House (where John Meyer got some of his first airplay).  So that could be interesting.  Although, she likes rap more than anything else, so maybe not.  There is always a picnic lunch too.  She's a pickie eater, so I'd have to find out what she'd like.

I guess I'll have to pick her mind for clues, without her knowing of course.  I'm good at that kind of thing.  Ask a question or two to get them going and then just let them talk while interjecting a comment once in a while to steer the conversation where you want it to go.  As long as you're not too obvious people don't realize you're leading them around by the nose.  People love to talk, even the shy ones like me, and they love it when someone it willing to listen.

Friday, October 14, 2005

A Call For Help

I need help from anyone who can give it.  I'm stuck.

See, I want to ask Brittany to go on another date, but I have no idea where I should take her or what we should do.  I  am so totally lost.  This ususally does not happen to me. 

So, I need some ideas.  I can't think of anything.  Can anyone help me out?

Thursday, October 13, 2005

An interesting day

I spent most of the day at UAB.  And I didn't go to a single class.  My archaeology class was canceled.  I decided to use the time to listen to some music and catch up on some reading for my world history class.  So I read for about an hour until around noon.  Then I decided I had a lot more reading to catch up on and that I would skip class.  I want to finish my reading and an assignment I have due next Tuesday.  I think that will be best for me.

When I started heading over to the next building for my philosophy class, which didn't start for about two hours.  On my way I glanced at my phone and noticed that Heather, a friend from archaeology class that I've mentioned before, had called.  I called her back to see what she had wanted.  I figured it was something about class being canceled and I was right.  She was at her mother's office, I think it was, in UAB's hospital.  She had called to tell me about class, as I'd thought.

Anyway, we talked for a while on the phone, and then we met in the park to hang out until my next class started.  I ended up loosing track of time as we talked and skipped my philosophy class too.  Unfortunately Stephanie had to skip it too, because of some family thing.  So no notes. 

Anyway, Heather and I ended up hanging out until her mom and dad picked her up around six-thirty.  She is a really interesting person.  I've found that she is particularly easy to talk to, which is nice in and of itself.  I actually told her about the whole Stephanie fiasco.  It was kind of weird talking about it, but it was nice to have someone listen.  She seemed to understand how I feel about the whole thing pretty well. 

Anyway, it was a nice day and we spent most of it outside.  I'm really looking forward to the cold weather is coming soon.  I can't wait to get back into my leather jackets and long sleeved shirts.  That will be nice. 

Now, I'm going to take a nap before work.  Hopefully, it will be an easy night.  Hopefully.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The Date

To make a long story short, I think it went well.  It was nice.  No great, and not horrible.  It was nice.  I can live with nice.  Nice is good.  Nice is relaxing.  Nice is no stress.  Nice is no worrying about being impressive next time.  I was just me, and that's that.

So anyway, I'm sure you want details.  I met Brittany and her stepmom at this little park and ride place near where she lives so I didn't have to get lost trying to find her house.  From there I drove to the restuarant.  We talked along the way, just getting to know each other. 

Because it's a Tuesday night we got seated right away when we got to Johnnie Corrino's.  She got the Chicken Alfredo and I got the Tuscan Ribeye.  She liked the food, so that was a little coup for me.  My steak was good too, but a little over cooked.  I can't help but be particular about my meat.

After that we went over to the Rave movie theater.  I wanted her to pick a movie, but she put the decision on me.  I picked Flight Plan.  It was really a good movie.  I've seen better, but I liked it.  I think Brittany liked it too, but it wasn't great.  It could have been better.  Maybe should have went with something scarier or romantic.  I don't know.  I'm not worried about it.

It was too bad that the ice cream place was closed when we got out of the theater.  That could have been nice, but I think we were both tired.  So it worked out okay.  I drove her home, and I'm glad I met her when I picked her up because it would have been a bitch to find.  I pulled up to her house and she said she'd had fun and that she would talk to me later.  And that was that. 

I basically played it layed back all night.  I was pretty tired, to be completely honest.  'Kid Gloves' was the rule for the night anyway.  The first move will have to come from her.  I think. 

I call her in a day or two.  Hell, maybe tomorrow.  I'm kind of indifferent about the whole thing.  It was fun.  Nice.  I enjoyed myself.  But I'm not that involved in the whole thing.  That's kind of weird for me.  I don't know how I feel about that.  There's less risk, I guess. 

Anyway, Brittany's cute.  She's not perfect, in the classic sense.  But she is perfect inan individual sense.  She's got a nice personality and she's attractive.  I could see myself getting more deeply involved with her.  It would be nice.  But I think that's all it would be.  Just nice.  Not great.  Not horrible.  Just nice.  I could live with that.  For a while.

And by the way...

Remember awhile back when I said I sent a story off to see if I could get it published?  Well, I got my first rejection slip a week ago.  I've been meaning to mention it, but I'd forgotten until now.  I'm trying to put some other stuff together, but I have not done it yet. 

I want to enter into Playboy's college writer's contest.  There is a lot of money if you win.  Anyone who places at all get a free year's subscription.  But the winner gets cash, plus publication in Playboy.  And if you don't know, that is a very big coup for a writer.  I could pick up an agent based just on that.  And that would be great.

I've got until next March, I think.  And I've got some ideas.  I'm thinking of going with a modern crime type story.  Maybe a bank heist or something like that.  Maybe some broke college student will knock over the WalMart he works at. 

In the mean time, I want to get some of the other stuff I've written polished up and ready to submit for publication.  I need to get a list of a couple of magazines to send them off to.  I've got a book that has some listed in the back.

I also want to pick up this book called How To Write A Dirty Story.  It has a lot of information on getting erotica published.  It would be nice to get one of those stories picked up.  I enjoy writing them the most, although it's been a while since I did one.   I used to do a couple a month. 


So, I'm sitting in class thinking to myself, "I really don't want to be here."  It's queit boring.  I took a quiz last week and got a 15.5 out of 25.  That's like a low D.  It sucked.  But my new friend sitting next to me, Heather, did even worse.  She won't tell me how much, though.  I think it was like an 8. 

Race, Class, and Gender is canceled.  I'm thinking of calling Stephanie and seeing if she wants to have lunch.  I don't know if she'll want too, but it could be nice. 

I really want to skip my next class.  I could just go home and get some sleep.  That would be nice too.  But only if the maintanence guy is done fixing my bathroom ceiling.  I'm sure he'll be making plenty of noise. 

Oh, yeah.  And my date is tonight.  I'm a little nervous about it.  I wasn't until I got to class and Heather made some snide comment about, "She's 17?  That's illegal!"  She was kidding, but still!  I wasn't nervous then, until she apologized for making me even more nervous.  And when I heard the word 'nervous' I suddenly became nervous.  Thank you, Heather. 

I think my smart ass come back was, "It is not!" followed by "Besides, you're seeing someone so I had to take my second choice."  I don't know if she caught the last bit.  Doesn't matter. 

I'm a little hungry right now.  I'd love to go to O'Charlies and get a nice Louisiana Sirloin.  Oh, god.  My mouth just started watering.  I guess I'll have to get a Tuscan Ribeye tonight from Johnnie Corrino's.  That was really good when I got it last time I was there.   

Friday, October 7, 2005

Good morning

I asked that other girl out.  Her name is Brittany.  From what I can understand she just wants to date around, which is cool.  I'm not really looking for anything in particular right now.  I'm just kind of going where the wind takes me. 

So, anyway, we are going to go out next week when I'm off work.  She's out of school for the week so maybe we can stay out a little late.  I know it's typical and over done, but I'm going with dinner and a movie.  I've got my reasons.

Everytime I've put a lot of thought into a first date it's gone to shit.  So I'm fucking winging it.  Everytime I wing something like that I do a pretty good job.  Anyway, I figure dinner at this Italian place called Johnnie Corrino's, then a movie at the Rave, and then maybe some ice cream afterwards at the Ben & Jerry's place (which has outdoor seating).  See, winging it could be good. 


Tuesday, October 4, 2005

I guess I should write something

I'm high on allergy meds right now.  I hate the changing seasons.  It always fucks with my head.  Hopefully I'll get over it soon.  It just got bad enough for meds, so hopefully it won't last long.  I've been dealing with it for a couple of weeks now. 

Anyway, it's October.  Yeah.  Two more months and I'll be twenty-one.  I'm looking forward to it, and I'm not looking forward to it.  I know that's weird, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do.  I don't know much of anything anymore. 

I hate it when someone tells you that they are just looking for someone who will tell them the truth, and then they turn around and lie to you.  This has nothing to do with Stephanie.  It's someone else, who isn't even slightly important in that way, but it is still an annoyance.  If you want honesty you have to be honest.  Fucking hypocrite.

I was going to ask this girl from my Archaeology class out today, but it turns out she is seeing someone.  What's new?  Still, she's someone I wouldn't mind having as a friend.  She's pretty interesting.  And attractive.  Those are always good traits. 

I have another prospect.  A guy I work with has a daughter who thinks I'm cute.  She just broke up with some asshole and just wants to be friends for the moment, but fuck it, cause that will change or it won't.  Her mom, or technically step-mom, likes me.  That's always a good sign.  The girl is only seventeen, but it could be fun.  I got her number, so I guess I'll call her.  Probably tomorrow.  I would have today, but I was tired all day long, and I hate calling people as it is. 

I took a bunch of exams a couple of weeks ago.  In Archaeology and Philosophy I made Bs, and in my histories I made As.  I'm happy with that.  I just hope I can keep it up.  Now, if I could only get the financial aid situation straight I'd be okay.