Wednesday, September 28, 2005


Yesterday, I spent most of the day with Stephanie.  I got to her house a little after eight yesterday morning.  I walked into her room and she was still in bed, barely awake.  I couldn't help but laugh.  So after navigating my way through the collected clutter, in the dark, I made my way to her bed.  She said we should nap for an hour and then get to work.  She slid over on the bed so I slipped off my shoes and climbed on.

I hadn't slept since the day before so I wasn't complaining.  So we did that for an hour, and then we got up to get to work.  She made breakfast for us.  She cooked eggs, bacon, and toast.  It was good.  It's always nice to have someone else cook for you.  I met her stepdad.  He reminded me of the BTK killer, to be honest. 

We studied for hours.  We skipped all of our other classes.  It was worth it.  We really needed to study.  We studied from about nine-thirty until about one-thirty.  It's a good thing too, because the test wasn't what I'd call easy.

I drove us to school and we took the test.  I'm not worried about it, but I'm not sure how good I did either.  I'm hoping I made a B.  Stephanie figures we probably did.  She's usually not that confident about it, so I figure she made an A.  That girl is much smarter than she lets on. 

I took her to pick up her step-brother and step-sister after we finished.  We went back to her house to take them home, and then we went to get something to eat.  We had McDonald's.  It was okay, but the fries were old.  I hate that.  We ate, and chit-chatted, and then I left since I was having dinner with John and Jennifer.

Stephanie and I talked a lot in that whole time.  It was good too.  I guess I can finally say I'm going to be okay.  I really am.  She said some things that were good to hear.  Some things about her and Jeremy, and some things about her and me.  She told me she wanted to wait for me before going to law school.  I told her it might be a while, a long while, before I finished at UAB.  She said she didn't care.  That's kind of cool.    I don't know if she'll really wait, but if she does, that would be great. 

Anyway, we talked about a lot of other things too.  It was good.  I'm not okay, but I will be okay.  I said before some things would always piss me off, and fuck with my head.  But I'll be okay.  That's important.  That's very important.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


I am so tired.  I've felt exhausted for the last week.  It's insane, and it's wearing on me.  I'm going to sleep all night tomorrow.  I'm going to need it.  And I'm going to do it in my bed instead of on my damned couch. 

I've been trying to get together with Stephanie for two, going on three, days now.  Sunday she feel asleep instead of calling me.  Monday she didn't feel well.  We are going to try again in the morning.  She wants me to call her when I get off work.  She said we could get together and have breakfast.  Then maybe we can study. 

That's the plan, anyway.  You know what happens to even the best plans though.

Friday, September 23, 2005


I am very, very angry right now.  The following letter that I wrote to the Birmingham News will explain why:

I am twenty years old, and I recently moved into my first apartment.  Because of the location of my apartment, and also because I now live alone, I acquired a pistol for personal protection.  Making the obvious leap of thought, I also applied for a pistol license so that I would be able to carry a concealed weapon.    Now, it is the policy of the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office not to issue a license to anyone under the age of twenty-one.  However, the Sheriff can make exceptions.  I thought I had a good reason for applying, and so I did.  Three weeks later I called the Sheriff's office to see if I had been approved and was told that I had been.  I paid my $7.50 for the license and began to carry my concealed weapon.    A little over a week later I answered a telephone call from the Sheriff's Pistol License Investigator and was informed that I had "slipped through the cracks" and that my license was being suspended.  The reason?  I am not yet twenty-one years of age.  I was told it was nothing personal, and to check back when my birthday arrives in a few months. The Alabama State Constitution says: "That every citizen has a right to bear arms in defense of himself and the state."   It is nice to know that the resources of the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office are being put into full use to guarantee violent criminals that law abiding, adult citizens under the age of twenty-one are disarmed.    I bet you can guess who won't be getting my vote in the next Sheriff's election.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

So close, yet so far away

I just finished playing in one of the college poker championship Kickass freerolls.  The top ten players divide $1000 among themselves.  It was fun, and I did better than I have in any of the other tournaments.  I finished 26 of 750.  That's pretty damned good if you ask me.  Now if I could only remember to play on Sundays.

Class was okay today.  Yesterday I had an exam in my US to1877 class.  I think I did okay, but I'm not sure.  Anyway, today was okay.  I have a test tomorrow and another Thursday, I believe.  And I also have one next Tuesday.  It's going to be interesting.

I saw Stephanie today, of course.  It was kind of odd.  When I got there she was already in class and she asked me how I was.  I hesitated, and then I said I was okay.  I lied.  I'm not okay.  To be honest it bothered me all through the class.  Since class ended early I walked her to her car.  On the way I told her I needed to apologize for something.  I told her I'd lied, that I wasn't okay.  I told her that the truth was that I was really fucked up, but that I hid it well. 

She said she'd be there for me if I needed her.  She told me to call her if I needed to talk, and she told me she was serious.  I told her I would if I needed too.  I said I thought I should tell her because while I control myself pretty well, I knew I may very well crack and I didn't think she deserved to get a nasty surprise. 

She's a good friend.  She's a very good friend.  I just wish she was more. 

Monday, September 19, 2005

Sunday, funday

Sunday morning I went over to John's house.  Me, John, Jennifer, and our friend Logan went shooting.  Logan wanted to go, and John did too.  I didn't have too much ammo, but it was enough to have some fun.  Logan brought his SKS, his CZ pistol, and his 12 guage shotgun.  I took my .45 and my Mini-14.  John brouth his .22. 

Everyone really enjoyed shooting my .45.  Logan liked it a lot.  I liked his SKS.  His CZ is a little cheaply made for my taste.  It's very East Bloc.  The SKS has a much better feel to it.  I didn't like the balance so much though.  It was a little heavy on the front end.  His shotgun was also very nice.  I might have to pick one up for myself.  he didn't pay too much for it, and I've been wanting to get one. 

Logan made the best shot of the day.  He picked off a 2 liter bottle at about a hundred yards with his SKS.  I was shooting my Mini-14 and coming within a foot or closer, but he got the hit.  We shoot at another 2 liter that was about fifty yards closer and I think we both hit it at the same time.  Logan also hit a twenty ounce bottle while it was flying through the air.  He called it luck, but he's good with that thing. 

All in all it was fun.  Jennifer shot the pistols, but she didn't wanted anything to do with the long guns.  I think she enjoyed what she did though.  It was the first time either she or John had shot a pistol, and they both did pretty good.  I'd say Logan is probably the best shot of all of us, but I think I follow a close second.

I bought some more rounds for my Mini-14 later Sunday afternoon.  I still need to clean both the guns.  This morning I had a friend at work pick me up a box of .45 ammo.  This time I have hollow points instead of the standard full metal jacket.  That will definately give me an edge in defensive situations.  I'm going to get some more FMJs later to practice shoot with.  I've also got to pick up some cheap .223 rounds somewhere.

I'm also thinking of putting a scope on my Mini-14, but I'm not sure.  I'd like to, but I also like open sights.  I think I'd rather buy a large caliber scoped rifle.  I'm definitely buying a shootgun and SKS sometime though.  Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I know

I know exactly what Stephanie means to me.  Every time I try to tell myself she is just another in a long line of blah blah....I find myself laughing bitterly and saying, "You damned fool."  Because she is not just the next in a long line of whatever.  She's something different.  She makes me feel like everyone I ever had feelings for in the past were just candle flames compared to her bon fire. 

She is the only person who has done what she does to me.  She's is the only one who has ever made be feel quite like this.  I don't really understand it all.  I just know that when I'm with her all my worries and fears just kind of fade.  I feel good just being near her, and talking to her.  But that goes out the window if Jeremy is there.  Then all I feel is bitterness, except for rare moments.  I guess I'm afraid that he might someday be there all the time.  I know that's crazy, but it's a fear. 

For a moment Saturday night she cut through all the distance that grows up between us when other people are around.  She hugged me, and I hugged her back.  And she told me I was one of her best friends.  And for that short moment everything was okay.  I didn't feel that need to keep a distance for proprieties sake.  We were just comfortable with each other like we've always been.  If we can somehow chip away that distance and always be like that no matter what it might just be alright.

A lot of it is me.  I'm going to have to give up a little bit of the self-imposed distance I put on myself when I see her and Jeremy together.  I've done it because I convinced myself it was the right thing to do.  But I shouldn't let it get in the way of the friendship.  Some things will always make me uncomfortable about them being together.  Some of them will still make me feel like I'm about to black out.  Some are going to make me sick to my stomach.  Somehow I've got to work through it.

I'm so frustrated.  I'm so confused.  I'm so in fucking love.  This shit isn't supposed to hurt so God damned much.  I'm in love, I should be fucking happy.  I read to many God damned books with happy fucking endings.  My idealism is going to kill me.

You think you've made a little progress

You think you've made a little progress.  You think that, somehow, things will be alright.  You think you're going to be okay.  And then, in the space of a few hours, you learn that you've gone nowhere.  You're still right there where it all started.  You realize you're never going to be okay.  Something will always be broken inside, and their is nothing you can do to fix it.

That's what I learned tonight. 

Some pains just don't go away.  You just let yourself forget about them for a little while.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

To do a good deed

Something pissed Michelle off and she's decided her ex is is free game.  She told me if he shows up I can do whatever I want.  Now I just have to figure out how to adminster the beating of a lifetime without getting fired or arrested.  I'm more worried about getting fired.  If I get arrested I can just keep my mouth shut and point out that he is a thief, a drug addict, and about to do time anyway. 

Anyway, that's been on my mind along with lots of other things.  Stephanie's still at the forefront of my thoughts.  That hasn't changed.  And I still get sick to my stomach every time I think of her with him.  That's the hardest part.  If I can think of just her, I feel okay.  But then I remember him and it all goes to shit, and I feel terrible for hours on end.

I've got to work tonight, but around seven I'm going down to John and Jennifer's.  They arranged a poker game and are having some people over.  I thought I'd go be sociable even though I can't play.  I might even consider sitting a few hands.  I don't know.  Mostly I just want to go hang out with some friends before work.

Tomorrow morning I'm going shooting with John and Logan.  Logan wanted to go, and so does John.  They both want to shoot my .45.  John is bringing his .22.  I'm going to take my Mini-14.  Logan is going to bring a couple of pistols he has, along with his SKS and shotgun.  We'll pop off some rounds and have some fun.  I might even take some pictures.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Chewing gum

This entry really isn't about chewing gum, but that's what I'm doing right now so.... I sitting in the hall outside my first class right now.  I'm not really looking forward to it, but that happens.  It's Intro. to Archaeology and it's no Indiana Jones adventure, believe me.  It would be fun if we actually did something, but for the moment all we've done is look at how archaeologists do things.  It seems like doing a dig would be kind of fun, but learning about the proper method for doing a dig is most certainly not.

My World History class is anything but exciting.  Our teacher is a stuffy academic who probably rehearses all his jokes in the mirror at home before delivering them in class.  And he laughs entirely too much.  He is very excited about history and obviously loves it but he has no talent in passing on that excitement and love to students. 

Race, Class, and Gender has been the most interesting class this semester since it usually dissolves into debates.  And that is just fun, especially considering the touchy subject matter.  I think Stephanie gets frustrated with how stupid some people can be in there.  Me?  I used to get like that.  Now I just add fuel to stupidities fires and sit back to watch the show.  I love to watch.

The nap I took yesterday?  It started about an hour after I wrote that entry and ended a five thirty this morning.  And I still didn't want to get up.  That bed is addictive.  It's just so damn comfortable.  See, it little things like that I want to share with someone else.  I know, it's just a comfortable bed, but it would be nice to have someone to share it with.  I mean, you can have everything nice in the world but if you've got no one to share it with it's meaningless.  That's true of everything.  That's the heart of my anxiety.  If I've got no one to share all the fruits of my accomplishments with, then do they really have any meaning.  They really don't, not to me.  What've I really got in the end?  Answer?  Not a damn thing that matters. 

For instance, I'd be perfectly happy with an uncomfortable bed if I had someone to share it with.  I wouldn't mind not having a big apartment all to myself.  I wouldn't mind sharing that with someone.  AND DON'T TELL ME TO GET A ROOMMATE, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN AND YOU KNOW IT!  Sorry, I didn't mean to yell. 

See, I'm going a little bit crazy.  And I go crazier every day.  Insanity will be an interesting adventrue.  Who wants to come along?

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Done, done, done, and...not done

When you don't think about something that is really upsetting you, then it doesn't upset you.  The problem with that is that it is ultimately escapism and defeatests.  However, one must do what one must in order to cope with fucked up situations.  Thought I'd went all academic there, didn't you?

Anywho, I did most of what I'd planned to do today.  I called about my pistol permit and found out that I was...APPROVED!!  I'm happy about that.  I went to the Sheriff's department and paid my $7.50 for the little piece of paper that says I can carry my gun.  It's funny, I had to pay $7.50 just to carry (concealed, of course) a gun that cost me $500.00.  And, as the previous article by Mr. Ross states, it ain't like a license to drive a car so don't try and compare the two.

I called Stephanie...and got her voicemail.  It didn't even ring so I figure her phone was off or she had no signal.  Anyway, I left her a message telling her I wanted to ask if she was feeling better and told her to call me back.  Typical.  I'm sure I'll talk to her tomorrow in class if she shows up.  I doubt she'll call.  She's such a flake when it comes to returning anyones calls.  I just hope it unnerves Jeremy as much as it does me...hehe.  Anything that makes his life harder puts a little spring in my step.

I went to class (US History to 1877).  I was only there for twenty minutes.  We have a test Monday and he just gave us a study sheet, went over it, and sent us on our way.  I don't think it will be too hard, but I am going to have to study some.  I think I also have a test Tuesday in my Archaeology class.  That's going to be fun.

I didn't go to Circuit City.  I started thinking about it, and I decided I didn't want to buy three CD's for only three songs.  I'll have to hear some more stuff by those particular artists first.  Spending nearly fifty bucks for three songs just isn't that smart.  And I need to be smart with my money...or more accurately, my credit.

I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of the day.  I think I might take a nap so I can stay up all night.  That would be a good idea.  I'm going to need to go to work tomorrow night.  And speaking of work, I'm ended up getting all of my holiday pay so I'm only going to be short the time I missed going in to work late Sunday night.  I did mention that, didn't I?  It could have been in that entry I lost.  Anyway, my alarm didn't go off. 

Today has been pretty good so far.  I've been kind of upbeat.  I did get good news afterall.  But I think I'm going to finish this book I'm reading (New Spring by Robert Jordan), and then I'm going to nap a little.  In my bed.  Yeah, my back will appreciate that.

The kid's got a point...


Mistakes We Make in the Gun Culture, or
How to Be a More Effective Advocate for Freedom
By John Ross

Copyright 2003-2005 by John Ross.  Electronic reproduction of this article freely permitted provided it is reproduced in its entirety with attribution given

           This is a piece I wrote a couple years ago, and I still get regular requests for it.  Might as well put it on Ross In Range.

        One of the biggest mistakes that freedom advocates make is we often fail to take the moral high ground on freedom issues, and we let our enemies define the terms.  This is a huge mistake.  Never forget: We are in the right on this issue.  We are on the side of the Founding Fathers.  They are on the side of Hitler, Stalin, Mao Tse-Tung, Pol Pot, Saddam Hussein, and every other leader of an oppressive, totalitarian regime. 

            Let me give some common examples I’ve often heard when Second Amendment advocates debate gun control supporters:


THEY SAY: “We’d be better off if no one had guns.”


WE SAY: “You can never succeed at that, criminals will always get guns.” (FLAW: the implication here is that if you could succeed at eliminating all guns, it would be a reasonable plan.)


WE SHOULD SAY: “So, you want to institute a system where the weak and elderly are at the mercy of the strong, the lone are at the mercy of the gang.  You want to give violent criminals a government guarantee that citizens are disarmed.  Sorry, that’s unacceptable.  Better we should require every citizen to carry a gun.”


THEY SAY:  “Those assault rifles have no sporting purpose.  You don’t need a 30-round magazine for hunting deer--they’re only for killing people.”


WE SAY: “I compete in DCM High Power with my AR-15.  You need a large-capacity magazine fortheir course of fire.  My SKS is a fine deer rifle, and I’ve never done anything to give my government reason not to trust me blah blah blah.” (FLAW: You have implicitly conceded that it is OK to ban any gun with no sporting use.  And eventually they can replace your sporting arms with arcade-game substitutes.)


WE SHOULD SAY: “Your claim that ‘they’re only for killing people’ is imprecise.  A gas chamber or electric chair is designed for killing people, and these devices obviously serve different functions than guns.  To be precise, a high-capacity, military-type rifle or handgun is designed for conflict.  When I need to protect myself and my freedom, I want the most reliable, most durable, highest-capacity weapon possible. The only thing hunting and target shooting have to do with freedom is that they’re good practice.”


THEY SAY: “If we pass this License-To-Carry law, it will be like the Wild West, with shootouts all the time for fender-benders, in bars, etc.  We need to keep guns off the streets.  If doing so saves just one life, it will be worth it.”


WE SAY: “Studies have shown blah blah blah” (FLAW: You have implied that if studies showed License-To-Carry laws equaled more heat-of-passion shootings, Right-To-Carry should be illegal.)


WE SHOULD SAY: “Although no state has experienced what you are describing, that’s not important.  What is important is our freedom.  If saving lives is more important than the Constitution, why don’t we throw out the Fifth Amendment?  We have the technology to administer an annual truth serum session to the entire population. We’d catch the criminals and mistaken arrest would be a thing of the past.  How does that sound?”


THEY SAY: “I don’t see what the big deal is about a five day waiting period.”


WE SAY: “It doesn’t do any good, criminals don’t wait five days, it’s a waste of resources blah blah blah.” (FLAW: You have implied that if waiting periods did reduce crime, they would be a good idea.)


WE SHOULD SAY: “Shall we apply your logic to the First Amendment along with the Second? How about a 24-hour cooling-off period with a government review board before the news is reported?  Wouldn’t that prevent lives from being ruined, e.g. Richard Jewell?  And the fact that this law applies to people who already own a handgun tells me thatit’s not about crime prevention, it’s about harassment.  Personally, I want to live in a free society, not a ‘safe’ one with the government as chief nanny.”


THEY SAY: “In 1776, citizens had muskets.  No one ever envisioned these deadly AK-47s.  I suppose you think we should all have Atomic bombs.”


WE SAY: “Uh, well, uh...”


WE SHOULD SAY: “Actually, the Founders discussed this very issue--it’s in the Federalist Papers.  They wanted the citizens to have the same guns as were the issue weapons of soldiers in a modern infantry. Soldiers in 1776 each had muskets, but not the large field pieces that fired exploding shells.  In 2005, soldiers are each individually issued M16s, M249s, etc. but not atomic bombs.  Furthermore, according to your logic, the laws governing free speech and freedom of the press are only valid for newspapers whose presses are hand-operated and use fixed type.  After all, no one in 1776 foresaw offset printing or electricity, let alone TV, satellite transmission, FAXes, and the Internet.”


THEY SAY: “We require licenses on cars, but the powerful NRA screams bloody murder if anyone ever suggests licensing these dangerous weapons.”


WE SAY: Nothing, usually, and just sit there looking dumb.  


WE SHOULD SAY: “You know, driving is a luxury, whereas firearms ownership is a right secured by the Constitution.  But let’s put that aside for a moment.  It’s interesting you compared guns and vehicles. Here in the U.S. you can at any age go into any state and buy as many motorcycles, cars, or trucks of any size you want, and you don’t need to do anything if you don’t use them on public property. No license at all.  If you do want to use them on public property, you can get a license at age 16.  This license is good in all 50 states.  No waiting periods, no background checks, nothing.  If we treated guns like cars, a fourteen-year-old could go into any state and legally buy handguns, machine guns, cannons, whatever, cash and carry, and shoot them all with complete legality on private property.  And at age 16 he could get a state license good anywhere in the country to shoot these guns on public property.  Sounds great to me.”


FINAL COMMENT, useful with most all arguments:


YOU SAY: “You know, I’m amazed at how little you care about your grandchildren.  I would have thought they meant more to you than anything.”


THEY SAY: “Hunh?”


YOU SAY: “Well, passing this proposal won’t have a big immediate effect.  I mean, in the next couple of years, neither George W. Bush nor Hillary Clinton is going to open up internment camps for Americans like Roosevelt did sixty-odd years ago. But think of your worst nightmare of a political leader.  Isn’t it possible that a person like that might be in control here some time in the next 30, 40, or 50 years, with 51% of the Congress and 51% of the Senate behind him or her?  If that does happen, do you really want your grandchildren to have been stripped of their final guarantee of freedom?  And do you really want them to have been stripped of it by you?


        Let me know if any of these points make you more effective the next time a "gun control" advocate starts in on his favorite subject.


John Ross 9/14/05

Sleeping at night

I slept last night from about ten until seven this morning.  In my bed.  It was nice, except for that alone part.  It was nice to sleep, but my back is still a little sore.  I didn't really dream that I remember, but I've still got that "last thing before I close my eyes..." and "first thing when I open them..." going on.  My life has become one big cliche.

Last night John and Jennifer came over with a couple of movies they rented.  I wasn't in the mood for romantic comedy, so we watched The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  It was funny, stupid, and funny.  I did like it, but in that way you like Monty Python..  I almost feel asleep a couple of times, and I think Jennifer did.  I'd only slept an hour or so.  I had tried sleeping a little, but Jennifer called me to aske me if I wanted to watch a movie so I only catnapped for about an hour.

Today I get to call and find out if my request for a pistol license was approved.  I'm kind of nervous about that, but excited at the same time.  I'm also going to call Stephanie later.  I was going to last night, but I was way to tired.  I think I'll go pick up a couple of CD's at Circuit City while I'm at it.  And I need to do it all in time to go to class. 

Sounds like a busy day.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

My back hurts.

For some reason my back is always sore after my classes.  I guess sitting there for hours does it.  Sleeping on my couch probably doesn't help.  I really do want to sleep in my bed, but I have not been able to in over a month.  Want the truth?  I can't sleep in there because I have to sleep alone.  I've never liked sleeping alone.  And now trying to sleep in there just makes me wish for something that isn't there, and I can't sleep. Damn it.

My classes were okay today.  Race, Class, and Gender was the best.  It was the best for the same reason my philosophy classes have been the best for over a year now.  Stephanie was there.  She puts a smile on my face and makes everything okay when I'm with her, even now after everything that's happened.  You can't tell me that doesn't mean something.  No one else does that for me, not the way she does.  Others do it a little bit, but not like her.  She makes me happy I'm alive when I'm with her.  There are hard moments, but she's still the same Stephanie to me.  She's still the girl I love.

She wasn't feeling to good today.  She gets sick so easily.  I think she is going to be okay, but I wish I could do something.  I wish I could take care of her.  Thats me needing to be needed.  She'll be okay.  I'll call her later today or tomorrow to see if she is feeling better. 

She leaves class early to pick up her siblings.  As soon as she is gone a little of the life goes out of me.  It's always been like that though.  It's not anything new.  That's kind of comforting in a weird way.  It's the same, and it's not the same. 

I'll wait for her until the end of time.  I know I will.  What worries me is that doing that I may hurt someone else.  Or I may pass up another good opportunity.  I worry about that, but I also don't care.  I don't want anyone else.  I want her and only her.  I'd give up so much for her.  I just hope I'm not going to give it all up for fool's hope.

Damn AOL

I wrote a huge entry yesterday while I was waiting for class to begin.  I clicked save and got a message that "Journals are temporarily unavailable."  And of course everything I wrote was gone when I was taken back to the 'Add an Entry' page.  There is no way for me to write it again.  It was just too complicated and long.  So I'm going to give a shortened version.

This girl I've been hanging out with after work, Michelle, took a bit of a beating from her asshole ex-boyfriend.  I was raving mad when I found out, but she won't let me do anything.  I'm in a position where if I do anything she is going to hate me for it, and if I don't I'm going to have to watch her get hurt.  I'd like to just walk away, but I feel some responsibility toward the white trash slut.  As a guy, I feel like I'm obligated to do something when another guy steps out of line.  Welcome to another Catch-22.

I also took a mental look back at some other girls I've had feelings for over the years.  I don't entirely understand my feelings for Stephanie, I just know what they are.  Looking back I realized that I was attracted to all the others for a variety of reasons such as looks, personality, potential for a future, potential for good sex, etc.  Anyway, it seems to me that I'm attracted to Stephanie not mainly because of any one of these, but because of all of them. 

Over time, getting to know her, I just completely and totally started to love everything about her.  There are times, like when she fails to return calls, that she annoys the hell out of me, but that forgetfulness is also part of her charm.  I'll get mad at her, but the next time I see her she has the simplest, most obvious explanation or she'll just apologize with this pained look on her face and I just can't help forgiving.  If I'm feeling down about something, say not getting one of those phone calls, as soon as I talk to her or see her I feel better. 

I can't believe what I'm puttin up with.  Dignity just goes right out the window. 

Everyone must think I'm out of my mind.  I really hope I'm being taken seriously.  This is more serious than anything ever before.  I never lied when I said I care about her so much that it scares me.  I'm so afraid, and so helpless to do anything.  I feel like I should let go, and I feel like I should hold on tight.

I am not sure what I am going to do.  I just hope it's the right thing, and that it leads me where I want to be.  With her.  No matter what happens, I know I'm going to be waiting for as long as I have to.  I'll do what I have to in the meantime, but I already know what I want.  I'll wait as long as I have too.  I just hope it comes.  I don't want to wait forever.  Two years, ten, I'll wait.  I can't explain why.  No one has ever had such an affect on me.  No one.  Ever.  I'm not kidding.  I'm not imagining it.  I'm not exaggerating. 

She's worth it, in the end.  She is worth it.  There can't be two like her.  That's not possible.  If I just said fuck it, I might meet someone in the future who I feel as strongly about, I'm not so naive to deny that.  But it won't be her.  It won't be Stephanie.  And it's Stephanie I want. 

I'm so screwed.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Somethings not right

I just started and finished a regional qualifier for the College Poker Championship in one hand.  I swear I had a pair of Queens.  Someone made a big bet.  I rechecked my Queens and then called it.  I was reraised and I went all in with him.  He had K-10 and when I looked back up at my cards I had Q-10!  What the fuck! 

The flop came absolutely ragged and I lost.  I don't know what the fuck happened.  I don't know if my vision is still a little blurry because of just waking up or my cards changed.  I would never have went all in on Q-10.  This sucks.  There were only a hundred and sixty-five people playing.  I could have easily been one of the top 5% to qualify.

This sucks.  I was looking forward to having a little fun and maybe actaully winning.  There wouldn't be a cash prize, but it was a qualifier.  I don't know if I'll be able to qualify again. 

Audio entry

Saturday, September 10, 2005

The song that says is all...thank you Ray Charles

"You Don't Know Me" From the Soundtrack Ray

You give your hand to me
And then you say, "Hello."
And I can hardly speak,
My heart is beating so.
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well.
Well, you don't know me.
(no you don't know me)

No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night;
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I'm just a friend.
That's all I've ever been.
Cause you don't know me.
(no you don't know me)

For I never knew the art of making love,
Though my heart aches with love for you.
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)

You give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me

(For I never knew the art of making love, )
(Though my heart aches with love for you. )
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)

Oh, you give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(you don't love me, you don't know me)

Four Brothers

I'm about to get some more sleep, but before I did I wanted to write an entry about the movie Four Brothers.  I went and saw it early this afternoon with John.  It was really good.  Basically, a social worker places thousands of kids in good homes.  All her life she only comes across four lost causes.  She adopts and raises them herself. 

Years after they are all grown up, and three of them have moved away, she is murdered in convience store hold-up.  The brothers all come home to bury their mother...and her killers. 

Overall, I give it two thumbs up.  I really liked it.  There was a lot of good fight scenes.  It also has an excellant car chase.  There are some really sad scenes, and some otheres that are kind of uplifting.  You see these four guys (two black, and two white) who are basically working class/criminal types interact together as a real family.  

It was worth the six bucks it cost to go see, and it was nice to go do something besides school or work with a friend.  Me and John talked a little about the whole 'situation' on the way there and before the movie started.  I basically just told him that it's going to take a long time for me to be okay.  A really long time.  I need him to understand that.  And he does.  Better than even I thought.

I have not heard from Stephanie yet, but she did get my message last night.  She didn't have her phone with her, but she checked her messages and got it.  I'll call her agian before work if I don't hear anything from her before then. 

Well, that pretty much sums up my day. 

Friday, September 9, 2005

True Knight

True Knight  by Robert McDonald

Copyright 2005 by Robert McDonald

I stand before you,

armor dull and dented,

covered in rust.


I stand before you,

to suffer

what I must.


I stand before you,


to trust.


I stand before you,

in both love

and lust.


I stand before you,

your shield

until dust.


I had planned on calling my Aunt Ellen later this afternoon,  but to my surprise she just called me a little while ago.  I was asleep, so I didn't hear the phone.  But I called her back after I got her message.  We talked for about thirty minutes.  It was nice.  She even offered me a place to stay if I wanted to visit, or just get the hell out of here permanently. 

I've been tempted a few times to just pack up and leave.  But I can't now.  I've made promises.  Maybe in a six months or a year I'll want too.  But all this stuff with Stephanie is going to keep me around for a while.  If I leave I'll always wonder if something would have happened later. 

And I can't walk away from our friendship.  I think if I left I would hurt her.  I really do.  I don't want to do that.  The thought of just walking away doesn't sit well with me at all.  If I thought there was someting there better for me I would leave, but I don't think there is.  I'd just have to start all over again with no friends at all.  I can't do that.  I've got too much invested here.  I've made to many promises.

Okay, I think I am going to try and get some more sleep.  Sleep is good. 

So tired...

I'm so tired, I just want to sleep forever.  I'm tired in every way you can be tired.  I feel like I've been fighting a useless battle for years.  I've been trying to make a life for myself, but all I seem to be doing is treading water.  And I'm growing so tired I feel like I may just give up.  I am definitely in one of those low spots right now. 

Stephanie didn't come to class yesterday.  I called her afterward and left her a voicemail asking her to call me back.  I have not heard from her yet.  I try calling her again when I wake up this afternoon if I don't hear anything.  I'm a little worried, but the fact is with everything that is happening I'm just going numb. 

My Aunt Melissa called from California yesterday.  She is not the one I was trying to get in touch with, that is my Aunt Ellen, but she gave me her number.  I'm going to call her this afternoon.  I don't know what I'm going to say to her.  I just want to talk.  It doesn't have to be about anything in particular.  Just talking can be good. 

Last night at work was okay for a Monday.  I finished up pretty early, and it wasn't that hard.  Things were a little weird though.  I went hoping I would feel better, but by the end of the night I just felt numb.  I don't like it.  It's a very depressing feeling.  No happiness at all.  Just a kind of down trodden feeling. 

No hope.  That's what it is.  I'm not the type of person who gives up hope.  There is always a brighter side, always.  At least that's my usual opinion.  But I don't feel like there is.  I fee like I've got nothing left to lose.  And that makes me feel a twinge of excitement.  Someone with nothing left to lose is capable of anything. 

Mmmmm, that's better.  That feeling that I can do anything I want is oh so sweet.  It's a feeling of power.  And that truly is seductive.  Yes, I like it. 

Thursday, September 8, 2005


Right now I'm just feeling resigned to my whole situation.  It sucks, but I have to deal.  I wish I could say I was okay, but I'm still getting these tight feelings in my chest like I can't breath.  It happens everytime I really face what is happening.  It happens when I've not thought about it for an hour, or when I wake up, or when I'm trying to fall asleep.  I will not have thought about it for a few minutes or longer and it all comes rushing back and hits me like a sledge hammer. 

I'm just going to do what I've got to do, and maybe everything will work out somehow in the end.  Basically I did what I said.  I'm chasing women.  I'm chasing every kind too.  I guess that's kind of fun.  It's distracting anyway. 

I didn't sleep that well.  I'm kind of tired.  I meant to sleep for another hour, but it ain't happening.  I just figured I'd get up instead of just laying there.  That girl from work called me at about three-thirty this morning.  I didn't mind, I was awake.  She was waiting for someone so she wanted to talk to me while she waited.  If she hadn't been busy I would have invited her over.  Sure thing, and all that.  It would help, believe it or not.  Shifts a little focus to someone else, at least temporarily. 

You know how I say I never break my promises?  Well, here's one to myself:  I promise to never again let fear get in the way of telling someone what I feel about them, no matter what because the possible gain far outways the risk.

I also called that girl Amber yesterday.  I don't know why.  Third times the charm, I guess.  I got her voicemail so I left her a message.  I basically said that if she was still interested in getting to know me better we should try and do something together some time.  I told her if I didn't hear from her I would get the point. 

I don't know what's next.  Maybe one of the girls in my archaeology class.  There are two that I'd like to get to know a little better.  Oh, and if my use of the term 'girl' bothers anyone remember that one of its definitions is "informal for woman."  I've never been very formal here, so give me a break.  I don't think I get surfed by any PCers though.

I really wish I had the money to travel right now.  Doing a whole European tour would be great right now.  It would be great to hit all the big cities from Rome to Moscow.  There is so much of the world to see, and I've seen so little of it.  I've experienced so little.  I want to though.  I'd love to do a whole Seven Years in Tibet type deal.  Maybe I could find some answers out there. 

Fear is your worst enemy

Fear is, and always will be, my worst enemy.  I should have told Stephanie how I felt about her a long time ago.  I didn't, and because of that I lost.  She is getting what I wanted to give her, but from someone else.  I'm a friend to her, and I will always be.  Maybe, somehow, one day I'll be more.  I don't know.  I hope, but I fear. 

And that's that.

I went to her house to hang out with her around ten last night.  I was there for about an hour.  Mostly we just talked.  I want to be happy for her, because I think she is happy with what she got.  The only thing she's feeling down about it how things turned out for me.  I love her, but if it's someone else that makes her happy then I'll try and be happy for her.  I love her.  I really do. 

I want so much more.  I'm trying to deal with it.  But like I've said a hundred times, it's really hard.  It will always be hard.  A part of me wants her to be happy, even if it's without me.  Another part of me is hoping something splits them up so that I can be there for her.  Maybe that wouldn't be any better than the situation right now. 

It's so hard.  I never want to be without her.  I crave her.  That's such a weird sensation.  I've desired people.  I've missed people.  I don't think I've ever craved someone before. 

Every time I see her I hope for the opportunity to put my arms around her.  But I know that would hurt me too.  Because I want to put my arms around her, hold her to me, and know that she isn't going anywhere or that if she does she'll be back soon. 

I'm so afraid I'm going to lose her completely.  I'm terrified of that.  I feel like I've got her hand, but just by the tips of the fingers.  I'm afraid she is going to slip away.  I promised her I would always be her friend.  That was me reaching out to get a better grip.  But am I strong enough to hold on through all the rough waters ahead? 

And here's another one...If I do hold on, am I going to drown?  Even so, I can't let go.  There is so much pain, but there is this tiny little bit of happiness that having her as a friend gives me.  If I let go, the pain will stay for awhile before eventually fading.  But that little spark of happiness will be extinguished forever.  A part of myself will die.  If I hold on I'll at least have that little bit of happiness, even if having it means I'm going to drown in pain. 

Yeah, fuck it.  I'd rather drown than let go.  Maybe that's stubborn and stupid, but I don't care what anyone thinks.  If you love someone you should give them that love anyway you can, even if it hurts.  If you love a person, then they must be a person who deserves to feel your love.  So you should show it however you can.  I'll show my love by being Stephanie's friend. 

Anyway, all that said I guess I can talk about the rest of my night after I left Stephanie's.  First off, we cut it kind of short because someone called her and told her some asshole who doesn't even know her is calling her a whore.  She was very angry and wanted to confront him about it.  So she needed to go do that.  She had other friends there to help her out if she needed it, but I told her to call me if she needed me.  I'm assuming it went well for her.  I'll find out tomorrow.

So I left her house around eleven.  I decided on my way home to stop by WalMart and pick up my check (they hand them out after midnight).  I also knew one of the cashiers I've been hanging out with after work and talking to would be there too.  I figured it would kind of nice to see her.  She's a cool person for the most part.  Her name is Michelle.  There is no real chemistry there, beyond the physical aspect, just in case anyone is wondering. 

I sat outside talking to her while I waited.  Her ex was there with her.  He's a punk ass little bitch.  He used to beat her when they were together.  He wouldn't dare do it again, and I'm one of the reasons why.  But only one.  If he hurts her and I find out he's going to regret it.  I'm not the only one he has to worry about though.  Anyway, the only reason she has anything to do with him is because she knows that she is all he has in the world.  In my opinion she should let him go straight to hell, but that's her business.

I also talked to a few other people while I was there.  I caught up on a little of the work place BS.  It was kind of nice, and it kept me from thinking about Stephanie for a little while.  I know I'm going to have to turn down my feelings for my own sake.  I've got to get myself back under control.  My emotions are all out of wack.  I see characters on tv shows getting together and I'm tearing up with happiness for them.  I see people getting hurt and I'm tearing up with sympathy for them.  I guess I'm just really vulnerable to emotional stimuli right now.  I want everyone to be happy, because if everyone is happy then I'll be happy too since I'm included in 'everyone.'

Pathetic, I know.  I'm working on getting back to my old self, as much as I can.  But I got a new dent in that armor of mine, and it's a big one.  And it's going to show for a while until it fades into the background with all the others, if it ever can.   

Wednesday, September 7, 2005

Good Morning, Vietnam!

I titled this the way I did because I woke up this morning hoping that I was in a different place that wasn't quite so horrible as the reality I find myself faced with every day.  Clever, ain't I?  The mornings are the hardest part.  I wake up, and reality comes crashing in.  I want nothing more than to wake up, reach out...but there's nothing.  It's a really depressing sort of feeling.  Waking up feeling depressed is not a good way to start your day.  But that's what I'm stuck with for now.

Oh, yeah.  Here are the pictures of my MP3 player.  I really love the thing.  The first picture is the front view, the second is an in-hand view, and the third is a close up of the display.  I added a couple of more cd's worth of music to it.  I've got around twenty cd's worth of music on there, and it's only at about half capacity.  All the songs are in WMA format as opposed to MP3 format because that lets me get more on there.  I didn't do that on purpose, it was just set up that way.  I don't know what the difference is, and since the quality is good I'm not complaining.

I realized this morning while I was lifting some weights that I neglected to pay my rent, which was due a week ago.  Oops.  I'm going to take a shower and go do that soon.  Hopefully I won't catch hell about it.  I can't believe I forgot.  It was on my mind that I had to pay, but the when kind of slipped past me.  I guess I'm not that suprised, considering my last month. 

It's really hard to believe it's been a month.  It's only been really, really bad two or three times.  But the whole time I've had this kind of dull ache.  Some times I want to just sit down and cry, and I can't.  Other times I don't want to cry, but I can't stop.  It's not always like that, but it is enough that I'm talking about it. 

This journal is my therapy.  It helps to talk about it all somehow to someone.  I need to put my fears, hopes, worries, and hurts into words.  I don't know any other way to work them out.  So I write, and write, and write, etc.  It helps, if only a little bit.  Every little bit counts.

Tuesday, September 6, 2005

All jacked up

I called John.  I felt like I really needed to come clean with him.  I've got nothing to hide and I never should have been cloak and dagger about hanging out with Stephanie.   I felt bad about it, and I needed to just say something before it got to be something stupid.

I kind of took the opportunity to dump on him too.  He doesn't have any advice to offer, and I don't think I'd want it if he did.  But he did listen.  He just wants things to be okay.  But it can't be, and I tried to explain that to him.  This is really ripping us all apart.  I don't want anything to do with Jeremy. 

I'd be hurt no matter who Stephanie was with, if it wasn't me.  She's with someone who was supposed to be my friend.  He told me he just wanted to be friends with her.  He told her that, but he didn't stick to that.  He shouldn't have lied, or he shouldn't have given in to whatever encouragement she gave him.  You don't hurt your friends.  And that's what he did to me.

Everytime I see them, or think of them, I think of two things.  The first is that I lost Stephanie to someone else, possibly forever.  The second is that I lost her to someone who was supposed to be my friend, someone who said he had no interest in her other than being a friend.  So it's twice the fucking hurt.  It's like getting kicked in the nuts twice.  Once is bad enough, but twice is just fucking cruel.

I don't know what to do to make everything okay.  I think John and Jennifer would like to say, "Get over it, and move on with your life."  I can't do that.  If I could walk away, I could do that.  But lets face it, I am not about to walk away from my entire life.  At the same time, not walking away feels like it's killing me. 

Worst case scenario is I lose Stephanie to Jeremy forever.  That will create a rift in all of my relationships that I won't be able to bridge.  I know what Stephanie said to me, but I can't help it:  what if she is really happy with him?  What then?  How do I reconcile being both her friend and hating someone she cares about?  How do I shake the resentment that is inevitably going to rear it's ugly head in such a situation?

Like I said before, just having her as a friend has been a great experience that I don't want to end.  But how will it ever work out? 

I feel betrayed.  Is that justified?

I feel guilt.  Why should I be feeling guilty?

I feel hurt.  I know what will make that pain go away, and I don't think that is going to happen.  Alright, I'll be honest, if she and Jeremy split up and stayed that way I'd feel a lot better.  I'd feel like I got a little justice then.  But if she's happy with him, I just have to deal with that no matter how much I hate it.  Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

I won't ever be able to be happy with this situation.  I don't want to feel like shit over all this, but I don't want to say fuck everyone and everything and start over from scratch.  I may only be twenty, but I can't do that.  I can't.  And I can't give her up, not as a friend.  I can't give up the hope that we'll be more some day. 

I don't really know why this is happening to me.  I don't know what I did to deserve it.  It really feels like the world is out to make me misreble and it's using those things I hold most dear to do it.  It's like someone has set out to systematically destroy my life.  Why would anyone do that?

And here is the real, bottom line fear:  If one day someone decides that they want me, will I care anymore?  Whoever it is, will I be able to let myself take that risk?  I mean, even if it was Stephanie, would I care anymore?  Will I care in six months, two years, ten?  If it was right now, I think I would be able too.  But right now it isn't going to happen.  So what lies in my future?

You want to know what else scares me?  Say everything goes as bad as it possibly can...I think that ten years later, I might still feel like I feel right now.  And I know I won't make it ten years feeling like this.  Not without walking away from her.  Not without making myself hate her.  And I know I can't do that.  So what will I do?

Catch-22.  That's my whole fucking life. 

It never fails

I just finished talking to Stephanie.  I had called her around 7:15 like I was supposed too.  She hadn't gotten out of class yet.  She called me back a few minutes ago.  And she told me that after this last class she is exhausted so she asked to reschedule.  I'm disappointed, but to be honest I am pretty tired myself. 

She gets off work at two tomorrow afternoon and she wanted to know if I'd like to get together then.  I said yes, before I realized I have class at 3:30.  That's not much of a problem.  It won't kill me to skip the one class.  But now I'm nervous again.   I hate that.  Now there is more time for something to get screwed up again. 

I also told her what I had told Jennifer, specifically that I was hanging out with her friend.  I also talked to John later and he grilled me a little about who it was but he never asked for a name.  He asked if it was a male or female friend, and I answered him honestly.  He started asking if it might be something that could be more than friendship and I told him it wasn't like that at all.  And there's another thing that makes me mad.

I may go on some dates.  I may even do some other things.  But I'm not going to do it to get over Stephanie.  I want to go out and have fun like anyone else, but I also don't want my friends pushing me into it.  Stephanie has, and probably will continue, to encourage me to go out and have fun.  That doesn't bother me.  But she hasn't done it lately, which is a courtesy to me.  I guess, in all honesty, I kind of gave him the wrong impression too.  I need to straighten that out.  I need to just sit down and talk to him.

All that said...

All that said, it's still going be very hard for me.  I don't think for a moment that it won't.  But I guess I still have some hope for a better future with her.  Everytime I see her with Jeremy that hope is going to be crushed, so I don't want to see her with Jeremy.  But everytime I see her by myself (relatively speaking) I get to look into her eyes and talk to her and for some reason that hope is reborn.  Maybe it's just the fact that we have a strong friendship.  I don't really know.  I just know that no matter what I don't want to lose what I have, and if there is ever an opportunity for more I want to take it. 

In other news, Jennifer called me a few minutes ago to see if I wanted to hang and maybe rent some movies.  I had to tell her that I already had plans.  I think that is a first for me.  But I do have plans, and I'd like to hang out with Stephanie.  I didn't tell Jennifer anything except that I was going to hang out with a friend.  Maybe I should have said I was going to hang out with Stephanie, but I couldn't do it.  I was afraid if I did she would do something to screw it up.  Damn it, I don't want to feel like that toward Jennifer, but I trust her less than anyone.  That makes me feel so bad too.  I won't say that she is intentionally doing anything to harm me in anyway, but she is going to see things in a different light than me.  She may even think she is doing what is best for me.  I don't know.

Ultimately, I don't want my friendship with Stephanie screwed up.  Maybe I'm a fool, but there is something about her that I just don't want to be without.  She makes me feel good.  Oh, she makes me suffer too, but I can't give her up.  And I promised her I wouldn't give up our friendship.  I promised, and I never break my promises.  So no matter how hard it is, I'm going to be her friend.  And I think she is going to do the same for me.  And I think we'll be okay. 

My life has taken a turn that I never saw coming.  I don't know what will come of it.  I don't know if the result will be worth all the hurt I'm going through.  Maybe it will, and maybe it won't.  But ultimately, I am an idealist and I believe in happy endings...even if it takes a long time to get there.  I can't let my depression, my hurt, and my sadness keep me from holding onto that one belief.

On a slightly different note, although a related one, I told Stephanie how I had decided to quit drinking.  She said she had decided the same thing.  She said the more she drank Saturday night the more depressed she felt, and the more depressed she felt the more she drank.  Seems to me like we were both on that same downward spiral.  Hopefully both of us will stick to it.  We'll be better for it in the long run.

Saturday night was hard for her too.  And she at leasts knows that what I'm going through is horrible.  So maybe I'm not completely alone.  Someone does get it.  Someone does acknowledge that what is going on is really fucked up for me.  By someone, I mean someone who is involved in this whole messed up situation.  I need that.  I wasn't getting it from John or Jennifer.  I am getting it from Stephanie. 

Well, there you have it.  Maybe that gives you a little insight into why I'm so fucked up about this.  Maybe this gives you an insight into what she means to me.  I don't feel like I'm just getting pity from her, I feel like I'm getting acknowledgement from someone else that I'm feeling really hurt and that it's okay and it's not selfish.  And that feels really good.  And that, my friends, is why I love her.

And that's why I don't want to try and "get over" her.  I don't want these feelings to fade, dull, or go away.  Because in the end, she is giving me something no one else ever has.  Even if it is as just a friend.

Audio entry

Weirded Out

I'm feeling really weirded out and kind of nervous.  I've got hours yet before I see Stephanie.  I'm not sure what I'm going to say to her.  Somethings been bothering me a bit about Saturday night that I have not mentioned yet.  It's Jennifer.

See, I went and sat on the couch at there house in my usual spot which is the far right corner if you are facing the couch.  I always sit there.  Stephanie and Jeremy where sitting on the couch too.  Stephanie was sitting in the middle and Jeremy was on the other side of her.  I didn't think anything of it.  Stephanie and I have been friends for over a year now, so why shouldn't I sit done next to her, especially since I'm not trying to isolate her from Jeremy or anything.  I didn't even sit that close to her.

But then Jennifer came over and plopped herself right in between us.  That made me a little mad, but I didn't think anything of it.  Later, though, she did it again, and this time I said something to her.  I think I said something about us not needing a chaperone.  Jennifer just kind of laughed and said she just wanted to sit next to Stephanie.  Now, given, they have gotten pretty close, but it didn't seem like that to me. 

I hope Jennifer is not trying to somehow get between me and Stephanie for Jeremy's sake.  That would really be shitty, but honestly, I wouldn't put it past her.  She's my friend, sure, but Jeremy is her brother and I've seen her choose him over her own husband before, see my problem?  I hope I'm not being paranoid. 

But I do think I want to bring it up with Stephanie.  It's going to be hard enough for me as it is.  I don't need Jennifer trying to drive a wedge in our friendship.  I think Jennifer will do what she thinks is in her brother's best interests. 

This is so fucked up.  I feel like I'm losing all my friends.  I really do.  Fuck, this isn't right.  This isn't the way it should be.  This is all wrong.  And it's all my fault.  I hate to say this, but I regret every introducing Stephanie to any of them.  If I hadn't, this might never have happened.  I want it to be like it was between us all, at least the being friends and hanging out together part.  But I can't forgive Jeremy, and we'll never be friends again.  And I'm an extremely unhappy and uncomfortable with Stephanie and Jeremy being together.  And because of that they're are not doing things with me anymore.  I feel like everything is slipping away from me and I don't know what to do.

Monday, September 5, 2005

New Toy

I just bought a new toy.  It's a Rio CE2100 MP3 player.  It's the first one I've ever had.  I hope it's worth the money.  I got it a little cheaper than normal because of my discount at the Evil Empire.  I'm going to take it to work tonight to avoid the shitty music.  A guy I work with has been doing th same thing.  He wanted to sell me his, but he wanted to get a new one first so that didn't work out because he is too slow about it.

Anyway, I'm going to finish loading my music onto it and then see how it goes.  Wish me luck.

McDonald's is better

I just had Burger King for breakfast for the first time in what must be a decade.  The last time I remember having it I was still living in California.  It was good, don't get me wrong, but I am of the opinion that McDonald's breakfast is better.  I've only had the double croissantwhich (spelling?) meal.  It was good.  I enjoyed it.  I really did, but I like McDonald's better. 

Of course, I have not tried everything.  Any suggestions on what I should have next?  Somebody must have a favorite.

Okay, for the moment

I just got out of a nice shower after working all night and I'm feeling okay.  I also just realized that I don't have class today because it is Labor Day.  That means I can stay up for a little while and then hopefully get a few hours of sleep.

While I'm in the "okay" state I can look forward instead of back, and that's kind of nice.  I'm hoping that I can somehow put this behind me.  Things might be different in the future, but I need to concentrate on the here and now instead of the past and future. 

So I'm thinking, maybe I just need to nose dive right into the dating scene.  I mean just get out there and work my ass off for it.  Why the fuck not?  I lost everything I wanted already so I may as well take advantage of this free role while I've got it.  I'm still going to be fucked up most of the time, but hopefully I can find these moments like now and make the best of them.

Eventually these moments will be more frequent and those sad, depressed moments will be few and far between.  So here we go.  I didn't name this journal "My Tumultous Adventure" for nothing.

It's so hard.

I'm really trying to get through this.  It's really hard though.  Almost eveything makes me think of Stephanie, or more to the point Stephanie with Jeremy.  I'm on an emotional rollcoaster, to still a popular saying.  At times I'm angry, sad, jealous, etc.  Sometimes I laugh hysterically, and then I end up in tears.  I don't understand these feelings.

I want to forget, but I can never forget.  I can't do another last night.  There is no way I can handle that again, at least not any time soon.  And that just sucks.  I always knew I'd be risking my friendship with Stephanie if I ever tried to go out with her.  I didn't realize that I'd be gambling my other friends too.

Fact is, John and Jennifer spend a lot of time with Stephanie and Jeremy.  Stephanie and Jennifer seem to have become pretty good friends.  I wanted it to be like that, but I wanted it to be me in place of Jeremy.  And now I feel like I'm getting pushed to the side.  They're doing it to avoid hurting me anymore, but at the same time it just makes it worse. 

I feel so empty.  I feel like I've lost everything I ever had worth having.  I think I've really hit rock bottom.  I know that I should get up and start climbing, but I don't want to get up.  I'm afraid of falling again.  I don't know if I have the strength for this stuff anymore.  Every time I try something goes to shit.  I'm so sick of it.  What the fuck is the point?

Sunday, September 4, 2005

Dealing better, but not feeling better

The less I think about it, the better I am.  I tried sleeping from the time I last talked to you until about noon, but I couldn't quite fall asleep.  I did get a lot of rest though.  I finally got up around 12:30 and watched tv for a few hours.  Finally, around five I fell asleep and slept until nine.  Hopefully I'll sleep a lot tomorrow, but I've got class too.   I won't say that I'm feeling better, because I'm not.  I'm just dealing with it a little better as time goes on.  But not much time has gone by.    I never did get to talk to my aunt.  I tried getting her number from my cousin and other aunt in California, but after talking to my cousin the first time I never go an answer to any of my other calls.  It makes me mad, but there's nothing I can do about it.  Some people are just flakes.

Not Feeling Well

I'm feeling pretty bad.  I have not slept at all, but I kind of dozed a little bit.  I'm going to try eating something to make my stomach feel better, and I'm going to try and get some sleep.  I think maybe I can, if I can just stop thinking about everything for a little while.

I'm trying to get my aunts phone number so I can call her and talk to her.  I talked to one of my cousins and she said she would get the number for me if I called back in twenty minutes.  I just called her back a few minutes ago, but there was no answer.  I left a message with my number and asked her to call me back and said that I would try again in thirty minutes. 

I don't know if talking to my aunt will help, but maybe it will.  It would really help if she could be here.  It would help if anyone I trusted enough could be here.  I just don't know anyone like that here. 

I had thought I was going to be okay before yesterday.  I really was getting on alright.  But seeing them together was the worst thing in the world.  It was so horrible.  I just couldn't stand it, so I started drinking a lot.  That was a bad idea. 

I've decided I'm not going to drink anymore.  I started slipping last night into that dangerous ground where I'll end up like my grandfather.  I don't want to be like that.  The drinking doesn't make the hurt go away.  If anyone could have seen me this morning when I wrote the previous entry they would have seen a broken, sad, pathetic human being.

I tried sleeping, but I kept thinking about this whole situation.  I just started crying.  Before long I was sobbing and talking to myself asking, "Why? Why?"  The last entry give you a good idea of what was going through my head. 

I don't know why I am the way I am.  I've done the best I could to give my life meaning, but it just all feels so pointless.  I think I'm going to break down again.

Songs that have meaning for me.

"Broken" by Seether feat. Amy Lee

"Scars" by Papa Roach

"Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith (that might not be the right title)

"Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen

"Highway to Hell" by AC/DC

"You and Me" by Lifehouse

"Brighter than Sunshine" by Aqualung

"Dolphins Cry" and "Lightning Crashes" by Live

"Elevation" by U2

That's it for now, but there are more I can't remember the titles too.






I don't what did.

I don't know did.  I don't know.  It hurts so bad.  I just don't what did.  What do that so bad to make me deserve this.  I don't knwo what did.I never broke like thiis before.  I don't know i don't know.  I just want it stop.  lI tried not to think bad things.   I lived as good as could.  I don't did.  I just want to it stop hurthing.  I do to make stop hurting.  I don't .  I don't was so horrible that I deserver but I am sorry.  I'm so sorry\.  I don't hurt anymore.  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.. I don't know.  I didnt' mean too.  I don't what I did, but I didn't mean too.  I don't deserve this.  I"m good person.  I don't deserve.  I deserve to hurt this bad.  gI tried to be good for everyone.  I tried to be good for my  mom, for my grandfather, for everyone.  I tried tried so hard.  it hurts so bad I don't know waht do. what did i do what did i do.  Whyt do i deserve.  I don't know what did.

Is this myt reward for allowing myself to love someone?  Is this what a person gets for caring?  Is this answer?  Why me?  What did I do?  Why can't I do what I need to do to make the pain stop?  Why do I deserve this way? What have I done that's so bad?  Why can't someone what I did?  I'm trying.  I'm trying to be strong. 

Audio entry

Audio entry

Saturday, September 3, 2005

Time to find out how strong I really am.

John called me to invite me to watch a football game at his house.  A lot of people are going to be there, including Jeremy and Stephanie.  This was something I wanted to avoid, but I am going to lose all contact with my friends if I do. 

I knew, but I didn't know.  Now some of my stitches are torn.  I don't know what is going to happen, but I think it's obvious at this point that I'm going.  I'm nervous, I'm afraid, and I'm a little angry.  Mostly I'm feeling the hurt that I'd pretty much buried.  It's going to be a fucked up night. 

I don't think I'll have fun, but since John wants me to come I'm going to try this once.  And I guess you'll get the aftermath, and probably by voice. 

I don't want to do this.  And I'm smart enough that I'm doing it out of pride more than anything.  I don't want anyone to think I'm afraid, even though I am.  But they say you have to face your fears, and that's real bravery.  Some maybe I'm brave and full of pride.  It's not necessarilly a good combo. 

I don't want to not go and then wonder what's going on either.  This is really going to be rough.  I hope I can get a drink or two. 

Friday, September 2, 2005


I was just about asleep.  I was so deep into falling asleep that I didn't realize I was still awake.  And then the pest control guy beat on my door.  The first thing I did was to grab my .45 (I had a "situation" to deal with a few days ago, and now it stays on the coffee table for my peace of mind), and then I opened the door.  I hadn't heard him say pest control, just something in a loud voice.  And I was half asleep.

I tried going back to sleep, but it didn't happen.  Hopefully it will in a little while.  I'm going to need the sleep.  Work was easier than usual last night, but I'm sure it will be heavy tonight.  It should be, anyway.  I've got so much to do it's driving me nuts, too.

The whole thing going on in New Orleans is pissing me off.  The Federal government has the resources to settle the issue immediatly but the president refuses to take the necessary action.  In my opinion, he is trying to avoid the political fallout of being the first president to declare martial law in over a hundred years.  His political career shouldn't be more important than the lives of those people.  With a few words the issure could be settled.  There exists in New Orleans a "State of Emergency," and that is the only justification he needs.  Under the Insurrection Act he has the power to do what needs to be done.  Insurrection exists in New Orleans.  People have gone made.  They are breaking the law and acting civil authorities.  The civil authorities have lost control of the situation.  It has been reported that some New Orleans Police officers are just quiting their jobs and walking away.  Act, you bastard.


Thursday, September 1, 2005

Wired Again

I'm tired and feeling a little depressed, I'll be honest.  My classes were not bad at all, and Stephanie was in Philosophy.  It was nice seeing her, but in an odd way.  I feel like it's just not enough.  It never seems to be.  I never want to see her walking away, and I really hate it when I'm the one walking away.  I have an insatible desire for her.  Not a sexual desire, mind you, but a desire to just be around her.  I like talking to her most of all.  That's not something we get to do much in class, and when she is talking to someone besides me I feel like someone is stealing my quality time.

It seems so petty to me.  I can't have her all to myself, no matter what our relationship is.  But that doesn't make me want her even less.  I have to wonder, would I still feel this need to be around her, to see her, and talk to her if I saw her all the time?

I can't explain my interest in her.  I'm interested in other women, both physically and intellectually.  But it's never the same.  It's never been the same.  I hate dwelling on it, but I can't help but compare others to her.  I always do at some point.  I've done this before with others, but never to this extent.  Usually it's conscious though, but this is usually unconscious.  I just do it without even realizing it. 

It's fucked up.  On the one hand, I really don't want to be hung up on just one girl.  On the other, I don't not want to not be hung up on this one girl.  It's all very confusing to me.  I don't really know what to do.  I guess try and have fun.  No commitments and shit like that.  It could be interesting even though it really isn't my style. 

I guess one of my major insecurities is that I don't have anything to look at in my life and say, "I've got this, and this is a good thing.  As long as I've got this nothing else matters."  I want that.  I want that because it will allow me so much more freedom.  With that freedom I can relax, I won't have to be so serious all the time.  I need to be able to do that without that one thing though, whatever it may be. 

Knowing that my feelings are going to lie somewhere else makes me wary of any other type of relationship.  I need a few that are completely meaningless.  And then maybe something a little more serious, but something that doesn't go to that one place.  Maybe I'll want to later with someone else, but for right now that place is occupied. 

This is really fucked up, and like I've said time and again I don't know what to do.  I'm afraid that will mean I end up doing nothing.  Ultimately I am still the same person I've always been.  I'm a little different, but not in a big way.  I need a big change.  I need to get laid.  I need to get drunk.  I need some new friends to hang with.  I need a lot of things, and I don't know how to get most of what I need.  Some of it's just a matter of getting off my ass. 

Anyway, I've got to work tonight so I'm going to get some sleep. 

Hello from UAB thanks to Wifi

Believe it or not I am sitting in the hall in the Ullman West building of UAB.  The best part is that there are no wires connected to my Dell Inspiron 9300 as I type this latest entry.  I am completely wireless and I absolutely love it.  But while I'm at school, this is definitely going to consume my time and battery power. 

The oddest part is that I'm sitting in the oldest building at UAB and I have wireless internet access.  This building is designated a historical site.  And it houses the Social and Behavioral Sciences Department (History, Anthropology, Archaeology...haha, real funny).  We are supposed to get a new building soon though.  Like in the next couple of years.  I'll believe it when I see it. 

Anyway, this means I can play poker while I'm at school.  That is if I can ever find a site that will take my credit cards.  Still I could play freerolls and play money games from here, just to keep my skills sharp. 

This is really cool.  And it will definitely come in handy.  I'm happy for the time being.  I just hope nothing happens to put a damper in my mood. 

Hmm, I just saw my student advisor.  Haven't seen him since Orientation two years ago.  I really need to talk to that guy...