Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Humdinger

I just returned home from my class today, and I'm feeling a little...well, I don't know what.  Here's the deal. 

When I was getting off the interstate near my apartment complex I saw the smoke from a fire and some fire trucks and cop cars and what not.  It turns out a car caught on fire somehow.  I called Jennifer to tell her about it. 

While we were talking Jeremy inevitably got brought up.  His very existence offends me.  Jennifer thinks I need to get over it and bury the axe.  But how can I?  This may not seem like a big deal to either of them, but to me it is.  It's not even about Stephanie.   Like I said before, she was just the catalyst of the issue between me and Jeremy.  The main issue comes down to the fact that I considered him a friend and trusted him.  Now that he has proven twice that I can't trust him I can not ever consider him a friend again.  It just isn't going to happen.

On top of that there is Stephanie.  And because she it part of the issue, and because of what went down, I not only don't want to be his friend or ever see him again, I think I hate him.  His very name pisses me off.  The thought of forgiving makes me sick. 

Jennifer says I'll have to learn to be in the same room with him, but I don't know if I can do that.  It's not that easy.  I want hurt to him.  I won't deny that.   I don't know how to put my rage behind me.  If his name pisses me off, what will seeing him do?  I told John and Jennifer that if I saw him I'd probably hit him.  That still seems like the most likely course of action. 

I told them it would be best me and Jeremy didn't associate.  That still seems like the most peaceful course of action, but I wonder if it the best.  It's certainly not the most satisfying.  Then again, if my revenge cost me my friends what how will that satisfaction taste? 

Okay, Mr. Devil's Advocate ask:  "But if you hardly every see your friends because of him anyway, haven't you already lost them?"  Hmmm, now that's a humdinger, isn't it?  Welcome to my Catch-22.  The Mexican Standoff. 

I don't know how to remedy this situation.  Do I swallow my pride and put it behind me?  I don't know if I can do that.  I'm a very proud person.  I demand honesty and respect fromthose who would be my friends.  Nothing less will do.  I'm willing to forgive a whole lot, but this is not something I am even slightly enclined to forgive.  I wouldn't do it for Stephanie (she asked), and I sincerely doubt I'll do it for John and Jennifer.  The only other person to do it for is myself.  And myself doesn't want it.

Oh, I wouldn't mind having him beg me to forgive him, but that isn't going to happen.  I really don't think he cares what I think.  That's no friend.  And I don't forgive those who aren't my friends.  Why would I?  In this world there are for types of people excluding yourself:  friends, potential friends, enemies, and potential enemies.  Jeremy isn't a friend, and he's way past the potential stage.  So that leaves "enemy."  I don't name a person enemy lightly, and I'm not yet naming him one.  I'm just trying to lay out the situation for you, Constant Reader. 

Right now he is a non-person to me.  He's dead.  But if he slights me in some way he will move quickly into that enemy stage.  I remember all of my enemies in life.   I intend to repay them all one day, somehow. 

Katrina, you fucking bitch.

I've briefly visited New Orleans on two occasions.  Contrary to popular opionion, the city stinks no worse than any other port city.  I know, I've lived in one and been to plenty of others.  It has a lot to offer culturally and historically.  And of course there are boobies.  Everyone knows you can see boobies for beads in New Orleans. 

Anyway, what has happened really sucks.  A lot of people are dead and dying.  Eighty percent of the city is underwater.  Worse case senario the city will have to be abandoned.  That's my thinking anyway. 

And then there are the looters.  Okay, if you are stuck there and have no water or food I'm a little sympathetic, unless I know you're hoarding.  But when you go into a WalMart and fill up a shopping cart with clothes and other 'non-essential' items you are just a thief.  I'm not sympathetic to you.  Looters should be shot on sight.  No questions asked.  Stick National Guard units all over the city (on dry land, on secure rooftops, in boats, anywhere safe), give them large supplies of food and water to hand out to stranded civilians, and issue them orders to shot looters on sight. 

 

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

No work for two nights!

It's nice to know I don't have to go to work tonight, especially since I haven't been to sleep yet.  My fist class was canceled, but I went to the other two.  Stephanie didn't come to class.  Here whole family was home and they didn't have power.  She left me a voicemail and I called her right after class.  She said she tried to call me about two this morning when she woke up and remembered she was supposed to call me, but that for some reason the call wouldn't go through.  Anyway, I just emailed her some notes from class and she is supposed to call me tonight.  I won't be surprised if she doesn't, but I will be disappointed.

All that said, I think I'll catch some Z's.

Monday, August 29, 2005

No Class Today

Because of the hurricane my teacher canceled class today.  He could have done it by email (my archaeology teacher canceled class for tomorrow that way), but I guess it was a last minute decision.  I think he mumbled something about his wife not wanting him out in the weather if it gets worse later, which it probably will.  I wasn't complaining.

Right now one of the Cheech and Chong movies is on Comedy Central.  I think I'm going to go to sleep though.  I need some more sleep for tonight.  One more night and then I'm done for another two days. 

I called Stephanie on my way home and woker her up.  I didn't realize she would be asleep, obviously.  She said she'd call me when she woke up.  She sounded really tired.  I guess I'll pass out and then let her return the favor.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Poker and Other Things

I just got busted out of a poker tournament I was playing online.  It was free to enter, as it's part of the College Poker Champions series.  It's pretty fun, and I did okay.  I was doing really well for a while, but you can't win'em all.  I finished 735th of well over a thousand.  A person could so worse.  The first time I played I was out in a couple of minutes.  I think I finished 998th or something.  Anyway, it was kind of fun but I need some more sleep.

Oh, just a little FYI:  I finally, after all this time, managed to polish off and submit one of my short stories for publication in a magazine called Realms of Fantasy.  I sincerely doubt I have a chance of getting published considering that it's one of the best magazines for fantasy out there, but I figured I'd go for it.  I won't know anything for 7-9 weeks, but I'm in no hurry.  In all honest I haven't really thought about it since I mailed it off Tuesday.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

I don't have much to say

I don't really have much to say.  I've been working and coming home to sleep most of the day.  Although, I do have to admit that I've spent over an hour each morning talking to this girl I work with.  It's kind of natural for me to listen to people and to talk to them.  We don't agree on everything, but we can respectfully disagree. 

People seem to be able to open up to me.  I've always thought it was just certain people who talked, but sometimes it seems like most people just feel willing to talk to me.  I think that's good.  Sometimes people need to talk, and I'm a listener. 

It's nice to be that for someone, to be the listener.  It's not altruistic.  It fulfills a need I have.  That's the need to feel needed.  I've always had it.  I like to be an integral part of things.  That explains so much about me; my protectiveness, my work ethic, the way I care about people, and my willingness to listen to even the most painful stories.  Especially the painful stories.  Those are the ones people need to tell.  Those are the ones they need people to understand.  Because if someone else understands, they don't feel alone anymore.  And who wants to feel alone?

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Shatter Points

Shatter points are those events in our lives that either make or break us.  They say what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.  I thought that since I was in such a reflective mood I’d share some of mine. 

 

The first important one I can think of came shortly after moving to backward Alabama from sunny California.  I was about ten or eleven years old.  We left a four bedroom house in Norwalk, CA for an old, two bedroom mobile home.  There were five of us, including my grandfather, me, my younger brother Daniel, my sister Mary, and my sister Vanessa (who was still drinking from a bottle and wearing diapers).  Within six months my grandfather had started drinking again after being sober for fifteen years.  He did his best to make up for lost time.  It wasn’t long before I was changing the diapers and making the bottles at three in the morning.  It was a really bad time for me.  At one point I even suffered third degree burns on my left leg while burning some pine needles outside.  Thankfully my grandfather wasn’t drinking much that day or it would have been worse.  The stress was horrible for someone my age.  There were times I wanted to die.  There were a few times when I had the gun in my hand.

 

When I was about twelve my mother traveled from California to move in with us.  For a while things seemed to get better.  We even moved into a larger, four bedroom mobile home next door to my grandfather.  But things soon went south.  My mother started drinking.  She started taking allergy pills so she could sleep all day.  Before long she was on cocaine.  She couldn’t handle the stress of taking care of four kids.  She was weak, and I’ll always hate her for it.  I eventually moved back in with my grandfather.  He was easier to deal with.  A few weeks after I moved out my mother flipped out worse than she ever had before.  She threw about $300 worth of groceries into our driveway and broke out half the windows in our home.  I was thirteen at the time.  Over the next couple of days I personally packed all of her things and gave her the boot, with my grandfather’s drunken support.  My brother Daniel and sister Mary never forgave me.

 

Eventually we all moved into the four bedroom mobile home.  My grandfather had lost his leg in a car accident months before my mother’s departure and was even more useless than before.  A drunk man with one leg can’t do much.  I had to do all the shopping, and as time went by I took up more responsibility.  By the time I was sixteen I was doing just about everything, from buying the groceries to paying the monthly bills.  I managed to do all this while still going to school, and I managed to graduate and go on to college.

 

This past January I was having one of my frequent shouting matches with my grandfather.  I was yelling at him that he had to quit drinking and start taking some responsibility.  He didn’t like was I was saying and he made the mistake of taking a swing at me.  I swung back, more than once, and he went down hard.  Within a week I had moved out and was living alone.  I went from seeing my friends everyday to seeing them maybe once every couple of weeks.  I went from being completely financially dependant on someone else to depending on myself, with a little help from some investments.

 

And for eight months I’ve been here alone.  And being alone is wearing on me.  You see, I haven’t been alone for just eight months, but for about ten years.  I really need someone I can trust.  I need someone I can lean one.  And for over a year I really thought Stephanie could be that person.  But for her own reasons she can’t be.  Not now, and maybe not ever.  The worst part is that if we could have been what I wanted us to be, it would have made everything in the past worth it.  If we ever are what I want us to be, it will be worth it.  Every bit.

Deep breath

I FUCKING HATE AMERICA ONLINE WITH A PASSION THAT SURPASSES MY HATE FOR JUST ABOUT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.  I JUST GOT KICKED OFFLINE WHILE WRITING WHAT I THINK WAS AN EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ENTRY FOR MY JOURNAL. 

Because I feel that this is an important entry, I'll try again.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

I Say

I'm not as naive as I sometimes may appear to be.  I'm just idealistic.  Sometimes I think I am too smart for my own good.  I'm not being arrogant, I just have an uncanny ability to see how things will work based upon the smallest possible data.  I can't always do it, but most times I can.  I like to think I've got good instincts.  Anyway, I just wanted to say that.

I see all the possible outcomes, and which ones are most likely to happen. But like I said, I'm ultimately an idealist.  I believe that good things can and should happen.  So I have the habit of setting myself up to get screwed.  There is an old saying I know that says, "Expect the worst, that way any surprise is a pleasant one."  Well, as much as I'd like to follow that saying I can't do it.  Instead I hope for the best, and fear the worst.  And things work out how they will work out.

I've been keeping myself busy all day.  My mind has been constantly occupied, and when it hasn't I've been exhausted.  I think I'm going to have bad days, and good days.  The bad days will be the ones where I have the most amount of time to think freely.  So work will be bad.  It's a mindless job, and I always used the free time to think.  I'm probably goind to buy an MP3 player though, and hopefully I can drown out all the thoughts with hours of music.  That's my hope, anyway.

I'm really in a fucked up situation.  I've always had to deal with things by myself.  I've got no support structure.  I'm serious too.  I've got friends, sure, but I'm missing those close connections that really help us through the worst times.  There is no one out there I trust enough to just completely let myself go.  When I lose control, when I finally come all undone, I do it alone.  And thats bad.  There's no one there to help you out of that.  When the waves of despair start rolling over me, I've got nothing to hold onto but myself. 

And that's hard to deal with.  And it's scary.  I've always held myself under the strictest self control because I didn't want anyone to ever use my emotional reactions against me.  But I need to be able to let slip that control sometimes.  And I need someone there to help me through it.  But I've got no one like that.  So life is extremely hard. 

But I deal with it, somehow.  I keep breathing, and I keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I'm just too stubborn to quit going.  See, it's that idealism I was talking about before.  It could be seen as a weakness, but in the end it's what gives me the hope and reassurance to keep going.  If I didn't have the absolute certainty that one day things will be much better, I wouldn't be sticking around.

So that's what it comes down too.  I've got nothing else to hold onto but my hope.  It's not what I want to hold onto.  It's not what I really need.  But it will keep me going for the time being.  And I guess that's enough...to keep me going anyway.  I've got a thirst I can't quench, an itch I can't scratch.  I'll survive that, but survival will be torture.  I wonder if I'll ever find my breaking point.  How far can I bend before I snap?  And what will happen when I do? 

It's an interesting question.  I might not have a breaking point, or I might find it an hour from now.  I don't really know.  And I'm wary of what I don't know. 

I'm sure I'll have more to say later.  For now I think I'll try to sleep.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

She said...

She said everything I wanted her to say.  And then she said she was in a stage in her life where she wanted to bounce around.  She wanted to be free to move from date to date to date and just have fun.  She said she wanted to be a dating slut, and I smiled.  It was funny.  She said she wanted to do all this without sex, so it wasn't about that.  I guess that's a little comforting, in a way.

She said that she could see us together.  She said we're both attractive people and that there is a lot going for us as a couple.  She said there would be a lot of emotion there; that there already is a lot of emotion there.  She said it would be a long relationship...a long happy one. 

And then she said she wasn't ready for that.  Not yet.  Two years.  One year.  She said it might pass in six months.  Then she would be ready.  Ready to settle down.  She said she couldn't believe I'd be ready now.  "Guys aren't supposed to be like that."  I tried to tell her how I'm not the type who bounces around.  I don't have the heart for it.

So one day she'll be ready.  But will she be ready for me?

Or am I going to lose her all over again?

And then comes that other question.  What do I do in the meantime?

I don't know.

For now, I hurt.

Audio entry

Audio entry

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Audio entry

Closer and Closer

The time for me and Stephanie to have our talk is getting closer and closer.  When she came to class all day she told me that she had been sick all weekend.  She teased me about not calling her, and said that Jeremy called her everyday.  I said I wanted to give her space, like she always seemed to want.  She kind of mumbled that she didn't know what she wanted.

She talked to John, and I don't know what all he told her.  I'm a little nervous, but I know that this has to happen.  Hopefully it will work out.  That's really all I can say at this point.  I don't know what all I'll say, and I don't what Stephanie will think of it all.  But, as someone recently told me, I've got to "go for it."

And I do.  Like I've said, this may be the most important opportunity of my life.  If it is, I can't pass it up.  And if it isn't, ultimately it won't matter.  No, that's a lie.  It will matter to me.  Because this matters to me, if not to anyone else.

Stephanie was actually the one to bring up talking.  She asked me when I wanted to do it.  I told her as soon as possible.  She said her last class ends at 6:45, and I told her to call me after.  If I don't hear from her by 7:00 I'll call her.  And then we'll go from there.

Forecast says rain

There is a 40% chance of rain today.  I really wish there wasn't.  I'm sick of the rain.  I'm finished with work for the day, and I've got school today and tomorrow.  I'm also going to turn in my pistol license application tomorrow.  I've got a lot of other stuff to do too.  I've got to finish up the last revision of a short story I wrote before I submit it for publication.  I doubt it will be picked, but what the hell?  I need to work on my abridgement of Super System too.

Okay, now on to the other stuff.  My last class today is Race, Class, and Gender...with Stephanie.  I have not talked to her except for a few minutes last Friday and I'm feeling a little nervous.  I got to a point where I was feeling okay at work, but now I'm nervous again.  I need to relax, but I don't know what will relax me. 

I guess I'm kind of worried that she won't be there.  And I'm also a little worried that she'll show up and it'll be like nothing.  I don't know.  I need to talk to her and soon.  I'm going to see if we can meet some time today or tomorrow.  Today would be better for me. 

 

Monday, August 22, 2005

Last Class

I just got home from class.  It was American History to 1877.  It seems like it will be easy, which is good.  The teacher is very easy going, which is always a good sign.  He doesn't seem to be an ass, and he's relaxed in the classroom.  There doesn't seem to be a paper, so that's good too.  I think I might get lucky and only have to write one paper this semester.

It's stormy outside right now.  It will probably be that way the rest of the day.  I just wish it would pass.  I guess it kind of suits my mood lately, but still.  I want the cold weather to come.  I miss my sweaters and leather jackets.  I miss the feeling of being wrapped up in warm blankets. 

I'm still thinking of that journal entry I read.  I think I'll go and read it again.  It was that good.  I really, really need to talk to Stephanie.  I just hope I get the chance to say what I need to say.  I've thought about calling her, but I think I'm going to wait until tomorrow.  I'm nervous, anxious, afraid, etc. 

And there's hope.  Hope:  it's humanity's greatest strength and also our greatest weakness.  We are a mass of contradictions.  I hope things work out.  I really do.  I didn't choose to feel this way, but at the same time I don't think I would choose not too. 

Audio entry

Sunday, August 21, 2005

My Tumultuos...Apartment?

Feeling a need to cut loose and be a little silly considering my depressed, dour state lately I decided to do a little journal surfing.  Seeing J's entry about his house I thought I'd take a bunch of pictures of my apartment and give everyone a little digital tour.  So here we go:

#1: My little entertainment area in the living room  My tv, dvd player, vcr, surround sound system, and my dvd collection.  You also get a look at my cluttered coffee table.

#2: This is the view across from my couch.  I put mirrors up on the wall because I thought it would look cool, and it does.

#3:  My messy kitchen.  Here you get a view of my kitchen table which is covered completely with junk.

#4:  Another angle of my kitchen.

#5:  This is the view looking into my kitchen from my bathroom.  I've put books, bottles, and other stuff on the shelves above the bar.

#6:  My sign.  It reads "Beware, Poker Players and Loose Women are known to frequent this establishment"

#7:  My bedroom.  It's bigger than it looks, but is dominated by the most comfortable bed I never sleep in (still messed up from my last round of tossing and turning).

#8:  My master bathroom.  It's tiny.  I'd rather I J's.  Wanna trade?

#9:  The view while sitting on my bed.  Stereo, candles, etc. on my dresser (spelling??) top.

#10:  The other bathroom.  I store my swimming trunks and beach towel in here, as you can see.

#11:  My second bedroom, now office/library.  Here is one wall which is covered in six foot tall book shelves.

#12:  My desk, which I almost never use anymore, along with my PC and printer.

#13:  More shelves of books.

#14:  And more books...lol.

Guilt

I refuse to be guilty about wanting more.  Every time a person out there wants something more and feels tore up when they can't get it people tend to get angry with them.  They say things like, "Look at all the things you have that others don't."  Well, I'm sorry I have things that others don't, but I won't feel bad for wanting more.  Why should I ever feel bad about wanting to be happy?

I've accomplished a lot in my life, but it doesn't compare to what I've failed to accomplish.  I've got a long way to go still, and what it comes down to is that I don't want to keep going it alone.  I made it through high school and into to college with little to no support from anyone.  About the only thing that kept me going was that I wanted to prove the statistics wrong.  I wanted to prove that I could do it all by myself. 

But I can't anymore.  I'm slipping.  I've felt it for a while.  I keep asking myself if it all matters.  No matter how much I do, no matter how far I go it will all be for nothing if I'm alone at the end.  That's what my whole life has been about.  I mean it.  From childhood I've been struggling with lonliness.  I've overcome it as much as I can, but I'm at a point in my life where I can't escape into books or tv anymore.  I need to connect with someone.  I need to share this experience that is life with someone.

I want that connection to be with Stephanie.  I think that I've got the best chance of having something meaningful with her.  And you know what?  I've felt that way from the first moment I saw her.  I've been avoiding saying that for so long because I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy.  But from the first moment I saw her I felt something.  It wasn't 'love at first sight' or something that far out there, but it was something.  Something clicked.  Something told me, "With this girl, you've got a chance."  I swear, those are literally the words that went through my head the first time I saw her. 

And it just always seemed like fate through us back together again and again.  I didn't expect to see her again after our first class together.  Then three months later there she was.  Yeah, coincidence.  I know.  And I don't know.  After the second class, I told her we'd probably never see each other again and she was a little surprised I said that.  And from then on we made sure we would see each other. 

Maybe it's only meant to be friendship, but, like I said in the audio entries, I think this is one of the best, and maybe the best, opportunities of my life.  I don't want to pass it up and regret it for the rest of my life.  I have to know. 

Bear in mind that there is a lot more to this story than I can every get into one or a hundred entries.  There are so many things that make me think and feel the way I do.  I can only ask that you trust me that I'm not doing what I'm doing for the wrong reasons.  I have my own doubts to struggle with.  I don't need more.  I might be breaking the Wizard's First Rule, but I could be doing the same thing if I went the other way.  The rule says we'll believe a lie because either we want too, or because we are afraid it is true.  What I want, and what I'm afraid of are exact opposites.  So I'm stuck.  I have only my own instincts and reasoning to guide me in this. 

Once again, I'm left all alone.  But ultimately, we're all alone when it comes to making the important decisions, aren't we?

Audio entry

Audio entry

Audio entry

GRRRRR!

If I see Jeremy, I'm probably going to hit him.  Nothing will ever make us okay again.  I can never trust him again.  And every time I think of the prick I get angry, and then I get sad.  And then I feel fucked up all day.  If I see him I'm going to start swinging and to hell with the consequences.

I'm very stupid for ever letting myself get in this position.  And ultimately the situation is all my fault.  Every path leads back to me.  And that's the worst fucking part.  You should be able to trust your friends.  A person should keep their word.

I'm going to try and sleep as much as possible.  I don't know how easy that will be, but I'm going to try.  I need the sleep.  Normally I would be going shooting, but I don't have the ammo.  And I just don't have the heart for it either.  Everything has lost it's flavor.  I can't even look at a beautiful woman anymore without feeling depressed.  I can still laugh at a good joke, but that's usually because the joke distracts me.

It's when something reminds me of what's going on that I start feeling bad.  And of course, I think the most when I'm trying to go to sleep.  I can't keep my thoughts clear.  And I bet you can guess what the first thing I think of when I wake up is.  At least I'm not having bad dreams.  That's a small mircle in and of itself.

Now, I'm sure everyone is thinking, "Why is all the blame going on Jeremy? Stephanie didn't tell you what was going on either, and she certainly didn't discourage him."  Good point.  So here I go.  Stephanie didn't promise me anything  but a date.  Jeremy promised me he would keep it plutonic between himself and Stephanie.  Jeremy should have walked away even if she was throwing herself at him, or at the very least been man enough to tell me to go fuck myself and that he would do what he wanted.  That's why I'll start swinging if I see him.

Audio entry

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Friday, August 19, 2005

Audio entry

Work Sucks

I got about four hours of sleep, but when I woke up I was still really, really tired.  I did not feel like going in to work at all.  So I sat around and thought about it for a little while and decided I was going to call in.  I called and talked to my boss he reminded me that one of the WalMart big-wigs is coming in this morning to give our store a once over.  So he basically shamed me into coming into work. He even told me I could work half the night and leave, but I knew that would never happen.  So I'm going to finish my work as quickly as possible and get the hell out of there.

I did a lot of stuff Wednesday that I never really talked about because I called Stephanie to try and find out what the hell was going on before I went nuts.  So I thought I talk about that a little bit.  I went out to breakfast at Cracker Barrel, and then I drove to the Sheriff's station to pick up an application for pistol license.  After that I went by the bank and cashed some savings bonds to pay my tuition and buy my school books.  I actually will probably have enough money to pay for another full semester too, so I'm really happy about that.  I was on my way home from all that when I called Stephanie that, and you know what happened then.

Like I said in my audio entry, things don't seem to have gotten weird between me and Stephanie, which I think is good.  We talked a little bit about the whole situation, but only a little.  She told me to call her, and I said that I would later today.  Today I knew she would be pretty busy (it's her sister's birthday) so I decided that calling her last night probably would have only resulted in me leaving another voicemail.

There is a lot I want to say to her, and a few things I want to ask her.  I don't know what she wants in relationship, and I need to know.  If she wants what I want, which is something serious that has meaning, then I want to risk it.  If she doesn't want that, then it's probably not a good idea.  I don't want to get involved knowing it's not going to have any future.  We need to talk about that.  Like I said, this isn't some girl I met yesterday, we've known each other for a while.  If maybe our end goals are the same, then I think we should go out on a few dates and see how things go. 

There are a lot of other things too.  She told me she's horrible in relationships, and that she always messes them up.  I want to ask her why that happens.  In my opinion, and I could be completely wrong, it's because she doesn't let herself feel anything for anyone she gets involved with.  And if that's the case, I think I know a possible reason for it.  I think someone hurt her, badly, and she doesn't want to take that chance again.  I suspect all of this because of things she's said, and because of things we've talked about in the past.  I want her to know I won't hurt her, and that she can take a chance with me. 

I just hope I'm right.  It could very well be that she just isn't interested in a serious relationship.  But she told me she doesn't want to get involved with me because she doesn't want to screw it up and lose me completely.  That means she cares, to some extent anyway.  I don't want her to be afraid to care more.  I know this is all crazy logic, but it's my only hope here.  So we'll see.  I'll deal with this however the cards fall.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Audio entry

Midnight

It's Midnight, and I just woke up.  I've been trying to sleep the night through, but I keep waking up every two hours.  Stephanie never called me back after the last time I talked to her.  She told me she would in about two hours.  I waited three and gave her a call.  I got her voicemail and left a message.  I'll see her later today, and maybe we'll get a chance to talk.  I don't know.  There's so much I want to say that I'm just not sure if I can get it all out in a short amount of time.

I'm still not sure what's going on.  I'm still not feeling very well.  I'm going to have to get a few more hours of sleep, too.  Four just isn't enough.  I don't know what the morning will bring, but I hope it isn't more of the same.  I just want to stop feeling  bad right now.  I don't know what will do that.

Since you asked, Avril, I'll tell you about Amber again.  She worked with Jeremy at his last job in a pet store.  We met the day Jennifer got her tattoo.  Jeremy later got her phone number for me when she told him I was cute.  I called her and talked to her once, but after that couldn't get a hold of her.  I called her twice after the first time and then gave up on it.  Just recently I found out one of her best friends was leaving town and see had been concentrating completely on him.  I didn't really care, and I figured she had her chance.  I called her Monday not long after John told me Stephanie and Jeremy we're seeing each other.  I was feeling like shit and I thought it was the best way to stop thinking about it all.  I talked to her for a little while and we had a good conversation, although not about what's been going down.  After we ended our conversation she was supposed to call me back.  She hasn't.

She seems nice.  But there is still Stephanie, so I don't know what I should do.  If things just don't work out with Stephanie, I'll probably call her again and try getting together with her.  That'll probably be the best way to get over all this shit and, who knows?  It might turn out for the best.  But if somehow I end up with Stephanie I'm going to feel a little guilty.  Not too guilty, since she never called me back, but a little.

Lot's of drama.  I try to avoid it, and I get pulled right back in.  It really sucks.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Confusion all around

I'm confused.  Stephanie seems to be confused.  We're all confused right now.  Stephanie told me she thinks maybe ever trying to get involved with me or Jeremy was probably a mistake.  She says she doesn't want to lose me as a friend, and that she has a habit of fucking up relationships.  She says Jeremy's interest in her was flattering, and that she thought it could be meaningless and that way no one would get hurt.  Now she thinks she was wrong.

I explained the situation about me and Jeremy to her.  I told her that I had never intended them to meet.  That I had told him not to get involved with her because of how I felt.  She seemed a little upset that he did anyway.

I've talked to John a couple of times too.  I think he just didn't want to be involved.  I don't think he really knows what's going on either.  I don't think anyone does.  Jeremy told him he was going to come see me or call me or something. I said that might not be the best idea.  I said I'd talk to him if he called, but I really didn't want to see him.

Damn, I talk a lot

Damn! That a lot of talking.  I'm making the most of this audio entry thing.  I can only record three minutes at a time though, which is a major bummer.  Avril, do me a favor and cover up little Zacky Boy's ears when/if you listen to them.  The profanity level is really astounding.  I get that way when I'm upset.  That's the only way I know how to describe what I'm feeling.  "Upset" seems to be the best word.

Anyway, I hope my sexy southern accent makes up for all the rest...lol.  Okay, my one true reader is in the South.  I doubt she'll notice, and if she did she's married.  Haha, same old me. 

But really.  I want one girl, not ten or even two.  Just one I can trust, among other things.  I really want that one to be Stephanie, but I'm probably asking way too much.  In the end, I think I'm may get badly burned here. 

I'm so confused.

Oh, and I really, sincerely apologize for all my grammer, etc. errors.  I've been trying to screen my entries better, but sometimes the mood is just not there.  I know it sucks.  I hate myself everytime I read my entries and come across one when it's too late to fix. 

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Keeping busy to cope, I hope

I'm still feeling pretty bad.  It's a constant and kind of dull little ache in my chest.  I don't like it, but hopefully it will go away soon.  I just want to forget it all.  I want to be able to accept it, but I can't.  I'll never be able to do that.  If I could, it would help me but that would be taking the easy way out.  I've never been one for taking the path of least resistence.

I don't know what I'm going to do or say.  That all depends on Stephanie and Jeremy, I guess.  I don't know whether to confront, or to use what I know to strike back somehow.  Striking back sounds nice, but it also seems a little petty.  I also don't feel like doing the whole confrontation thing, but it's probably going to be necessary. 

Anyway, I've got a lot to do today.  I'm going to the bank early to get my savings bonds and cash them in so I can pay my tuition and buy my books.  I might also go by Non-Stop Art, the place where John has been getting his tattoo work done. 

 I want to talk to someone there about my idea, maybe get some suggestions, and hopefully get a price.  I think what I want is a heart shape (colored red) that is done so it looks like it is stitched onto my arm, like a patch.  Obviously the outline and stitches would be in black.  I want it to be large enough to cover the side of my upper arm right below my shoulder.  Maybe about three or four inches in diameter if you were to put it inside a circle.

I hope going down to UAB cheers me up a little.  I don't know if it will.  I have a lot to do there.  I need to pay my tuition and buy my books.  Then I need to go to the registrar to get a form signed so I can get my Good Student discount on my car insurance.  Next I need to go by the finacial aid office and see if they have a FAFSA form, and I also need to see about getting some help filling it out since neither me nor my grandfather have filed taxes (we haven't had too). 

Classes start tomorrow.  And the last class of the day is where I will see Stephanie.  I was looking forward to it all summer.  Now I feel a little sick with fear every time I think about it.  I'm afraid of what will happen when I see her, and I'm also afraid that she won't be there.  If she drops the class, I'll know she's avoiding me.  Especially since she signed up for it because I had.  That will probably hurt more than anything.  See?  I still want to be her friend, somehow.  I want more than that, and I don't know what that will do to me.  It's caused problems before, but it's also turned out okay.  I just don't want to see them together.  That'll be too much.

I think I'll call Amber tomorrow too.  I was interested in her before, and I still am.  I found out from John and Jennifer that she had asked about me the when they went to the pet store last Saturday or Sunday, I can't remember specifically.  I guess I'll ask her out.  It cheered me up talking to her, and I guess the best thing to do is just move on with my life. 

I'm not going to think about the future anymore.  I'm not making any plans.  I have my long term goals:  a law degree, marriage, a big house, and children.  Other than that I'm not planning my future any more.  What comes will come, however it will come.  I'm not going to try and force it anymore, like I have so many times.  It will come or it won't.  I can't make it happen my way, try as I might.  I can just influence things as they happen.  I'll have to settle for that.

I want the cold to come quick this year.  I don't want another Indian Summer like last year.  I'd prefer a cold, dry winter too.  Last year was pretty wet.  I've always liked cold weather best, even though I was looking forward to this summer.  It didn't go as I planned.  I didn't swim near as much as I had planned. 

I'm going to take some deep breaths, sigh in reget, and hope things get better and not worse.

 

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Do I wear my heart on my sleeve?

People who wear their heart on their sleeve express their emotions freely and openly, for all to see. Example: "She is kind of player who never hides how she's feeling. One look at her and you know if she's winning or losing." Reply: "She wears her heart on her sleeve."

You can see how these people feel as easily as if they were "wearing" their "heart" on the "sleeve" of their shirt. Example: "Some people love him and some people hate him, but my brother always lets you know how he feels. He wears his heart on his sleeve."

People who wear their heart on their sleeve do not hold back their emotions, for good or for bad. It is clear how they feel in each moment. Example: "She's a shy person. She's never been one to wear her heart on her sleeve."

So which one am I?  Someone help me out with this one.  Do I wear my heart on my sleeve, or do I hide it.  I kind of think it's a little of both.  Which is why I'm planning on getting a heart tattooed on my upper arm.  On the one hand, it will be on my sleeve.  On the other, it will be hidden under my shirt.  If you look, you'll see it.  If you don't, you won't.  If you get to know me, really, you'll know how I feel.  If you don't, you won't. 

That has meaning to me.  I always said if I got a tattoo it would have to have meaning.  This jumped out at me as a good idea. 

Another dent in my armor

And it's a big one.  A really big one.  I'm over one of the worst bouts right now.  It could happen again at any moment though.  You know, that moment when it just hits you and those feelings of horror, disbelief, digust, and just raw emotional pain hit you.  And it happens.  You cry.  You don't want to.  But at the same time you do.  You ask yourself why this is happening to you.  Are you overreacting?  Why does it feel this bad?

I really don't think it's ever been this bad before.  I don't know if it's because the fact is that she hasn't told me herself yet.  And I don't know when she will.  I'm afraid of that moment.  I don't know what's going to happen then.  But I need it to come.  That will give me some closure.  I can start sewing up the wounds.

It just shouldn't have been this bad.  I never, ever wanted to feel like this.  I've been looking for someone to help me through these tough times, not someone to bring another one on.  I feel so stupid.  I'm embarrassed.  I feel like I've been making an ass of myself.  I thought I finally had her, but it was just shadows and dust. 

All those entries I wrote trying to think of a good first date while I waited for her to deal with her ex, and the whole time she's been seeing Jeremy.  They decided to see each other before I even asked her out.  Why couldn't she just tell me?  It would have hurt still, but a little pain is better than a big pain.  Why did she tell Jennifer what she told her that night at the party?

Why? Why?  Why? 

No one knows but her.  And I'm afraid to just ask point blank.  John asked me not to tell Stephanie or Jeremy that he told me.  See, he talked to both of them trying to figure out what they were doing, why they were doing it.  Apparently, Stephanie only wants to be my friend.  Why couldn't she just say that?  It would have hurt, but it wouldn't have been the first time.

And Jeremy.  Why'd it have to be him?  I thought he was a friend.  Any other guy and I would have just had to shrug it off.  But I don't want to see them together.  I never had to see Stephanie with anyone else.  I knew  about them, but I couldn't see it in my mind.  I know Jeremy though.  I don't know how well I'm getting this across. 

I need someone right now.  Someone to talk to.  Someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright in time.  I need to hear these things even though I already know them.  Because even knowing them it's still hard to believe. 

It's times like these when I really hate my mother.  She should be here for me now.  At the very least she should only be a phone call away.  But she's not.  She was never there when I really needed her.

Why do I always have to be so alone?  I know I have friends, but I can't go to them and just break down.  I can't do it to John and Jennifer.  They're too involved on the one hand, and today's their two year wedding anniversery.  This is a time for them to be happy. 

I don't know what to do.  I'm scared and I'm alone.  I've got no one to go to, and no one to call.  I need a friend right now and I don't have one.  I need someone close.  I need my Aunt Ellen in California, but I don't even know her number.  I'd call her if I had it.  Really, I need someone here with me, in the flesh.  I just don't have anyone.

Hurt and alone.  That's me in two words.  It's pathetic, I know.  Like I said, I'm ashamed of all this.  I feel like it's all my fault some how, but I don't know what I did wrong.  And if it's not my fault, then why is this happening to me?  What did I do to deserve it?  I've lived a good life.  I try to be a good person, and help people when I can.  But I still get hurt. 

I'm an idealist, and a dreamer.  I don't want to fall into that apathy that I see so much.  It's just depressing to even think about.  I care, and I don't want to stop caring.  But it hurts so bad to care. 

But if I stop caring, what will I become?  Will I even be me any more?  What will I do if I no longer care?  If I reach that point what will I be capable of?  What evil?  That's what it comes down to.

I've always felt I was running from a darkness inside me.  I've always felt that I would find one of two things in the future.  One is a simple life:  I fall in love, have a family, use my education to provide for them, and live a basically happy life through all the good times and the bad that will come.  The other life scares me.  It's the one where I finally stop caring.  And then I'm afraid I'd do terrible things.  If I lost the empathy I have, that ability to sense hurt in others, what horrible things I could do.  That terrifies me.  And I'm afraid that eventually one of these hurts I keep walking into is going to do that to me.  See, they get worse every time.  I don't know if that's because I care more, or because there's a little less of me every time to absorb the hurt.  So it's concentrated.  And a little more of my soul dies. 

That may sound very melodramatic, but it's how I feel.  It's how I've always felt:  calm, upset, angry, sad, happy.  It doesn't matter what mood I'm in.  I always feel that way.  And I think that's part of the problem.  It's very intense.  Maybe I'm just too intense for most people.  I feel things too strongly.  I can't dull that feeling.  I'm very emotional.  I didn't think guys were supposed to be like this.  And I would think women would understand me a little more because of it.  That's unfair though.  How many of them have I tried to explain this too? 

So I'm left here, alone and confused.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I hope I can fall asleep.  I meant to try and run myself into the ground but it didn't work.  I couldn't exhaust myself to the point where I would just pass out senseless.  I should know better.  I can't make myself senseless with alcohol (I've tried before, I won't try it this time), how could I expect anything else to do it?

Feeling bad

I feel horrible.  I really do.  I've been fighting it all day.  I've been trying to find a way to be the tough guy and just shrug it off.  I can't though.  It hurts so bad.  I can't describe it. 

The worst part is there is nothing I can do.  I can't fix this.  I can only wait (again with the waiting) until it doesn't feel so bad.  If I really concentrate on other things it helps.  I called this girl I havn't talked to in a while.  I think I mentioned her, Amber.

Anyway, Amber had good reasons for  not calling me.  She still could have, but whatever.  It was nice to talk to someone and not thing about this whole situation.  That helped more than anything so far.  I tried running right after I talked to John, and that didn't really work.  I've been busting my ass at work and I just keep getting angrier and angrier.  I hope I can sleep in the morning.  I've got a lot to do tomorrow. I'm going to pay my tuition and get my books.  I might also look into getting a tattoo.  I was thinking a heart on my arm right below my shoulder since I seem to wear my heart on my sleeve. 

Fuck me.  This was a double wammy.  That and other things made it really bad.  It's going to take time for this to stop hurting.  A lot of time, I think.  And that's scary.  I don't want like this anymore.  I want it to be all better.  But it can't and that's the worst fucking part.

Monday, August 15, 2005

In the poker game of life, women are the fucking rake

Saturday I had a running conversation with Stephanie.  She seemed pretty busy.  I finally got to ask her if the week I had to wait was up, and she said it was but to wait until the next time we talked to say anything else.

I called her Sunday night and left her a message.  She called me back and we talked.  I finally got around to planning a date with her.  It was supposed to be next Tuesday (not tomorrow, the next one).  And yes, I did say "supposed to be."

My best friend just proved he is that, as much as he didn't want too.  Jeremy and Stephanie have been seeing each other.  They decided to start seeing each other the night of the party. 

So I got hurt, again.  This one is bad.  Worse than any before.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I almost blacked out when I talked to John.  I almost vomited too.  I'm still angry so I have not quite gotten to the sad, depressed part yet.  But it will come. 

I'm going to try and head it off somehow.  Please forgive if it seems I jump into something new to quickly.  Believe me, I don't want anyone but Stephanie.  But I'm not going to get her, and the fact is I'm going to need someone close to help me through it. 

Times like these I wish I could run to my mother for help, but I can't, because I don't have a mother.

Turns out the MySpace thing was just a scam too. 

Sunday, August 14, 2005

I thought this would be a dissappointment

Okay, I just woke up a few mintues ago and I had pretty much decided I was going to wait until tomorrow to call Stephanie.  I was king of hoping she would call me.  I fucking hate calling people.  I always feel weird about it. 

Then I got online, thinking to write some boring journal entry.  Well, I was wrong about the boring part.  I had two emails.  One from Avril containing her recipe (thanks again!), and the other was from MySpace.com telling me I had a new message.  I went to see what the message was and it turns out it's from some girl, I guess I should say woman as she's 24 and older than me, who lives in Birmingham.  I guess she wants to hook up or something.  She's hot, but not exactly what I like.  And not what I want now anyway.  She wants me to email her, and I guess I will.  I'm going to tell her all I can offer is to be friends at the moment, but that could change. 

Now, just for the record.  I don't want that to change, but I don't want to be an ass either.  What I want is to date Stephanie because she is more than just some hot girl who saw me on a website.  She's my friend, and I care about her and I want her to become more.  So there.

I just called her too.  Yeah, I changed my mind about waiting.  I figured I should call her anyway.  I need to talk to her and find out what's up.  I'm patient and all, but I need to know something.  If worst comes to worst I won't talk to her until Thursday when classes start at UAB.

Here I go trying to avoid drama and it finds me anyway, even if it's just a little drama.  Still, I guess it's kind of flattering to get that message, but at the same time I wish I hadn't.  I wouldn't feel so weird right now.  Damn it all.

More Things and Other Things

Did some things Friday.  I went to the mall with John and Jennifer.  I also called Stephanie.  I left her a voicemail.  Other than that I didn't do much.

Saturday Stephanie called me back around two in the afternoon.  She was on her way to work so we only talked for a few minutes.  She was supposed to call me back when she got off of work, she said around five, but when she didn't I figured she was working later.  I gave her a call around seven to tell her to still call me when she got off and to remind her if she had forgetten.  She called me back a little while later.  We chatted again for a couple of minutes.  She went into TCBY to get something to eat with her brother and then called me back about thirty minutes later.

Finally, on the last conversation, right before she hung up to go to the pet store to get something for her kittens, I asked her about the "week" I was supposed to give her.  She said yes, it was, but to wait until the next time we talked before saying anything else.  So I'm waiting again.  I guess I'll have to call her again this afternoon, unless she calls me first.  I'd like that better, because then I wouldn't feel like I'm being a bug. 

Anyway, in other news, I have a poker tournament for the College Poker Championship to play in today at five.  I'm hoping I do better than I did last time.  I'll play straight and try to last a little longer than I did last time. 

I don't really have much more than that right now.  Hopefully I'll have something more interesting to say later.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Things and Other Things

I'm feeling very relaxed right now.  It's really nice.  I'm going to be up for another hour so I can go deposit my check.  For now I'm just watching a little tv and kicking back. 

I got an email from UAB today telling me where my classes are.  For the past couple of semesters they've been waiting until the last minute to post them.  I'll check them again next Thursday when classes start to see if there are any last minute changes.  I need to buy my books soon.  I think I'm going to call Stephanie later today to tell her about the class assignments being posted just in case she doesn't check her email.  I don't know.  It's an excuse...lol.

I also applied for a new job this morning at Lowe's.  I'm hoping to get it.  Jeremy works there, so maybe I will.  I'm asking for $9/hour, and I'm hoping I'll get it.  From what Jeremy says I'll have Friday and Saturday nights off.  That'll be nice if I get the job, and so will the money.  It's only about twenty dollars more per check, but every little bit counts.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Waiting

Waiting is by far the worst thing in the world.  I absolutely hate waiting for anything.  Anything good, anyway.  Hence my current dilemma.  I have nothing to do but wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...

I need more hobbies.  I've about poker'd myself out playing a game I have.  Sunday I'll play in a tournament for money and that will be interesting, but I'm taking some time away from the cards so I don't get burned out any more than I already am. 

I just read over my last entry.  I would like to say in my defense that I was drunk and/or high.  But I wasn't, so I have no excuse except temporary insanity.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

I feel so totally drained right now, and that really sucks.  I'm hoping I'll feel better tomorrow.  I need to work my ass off tonight, come home, and just pass out for eight hours before I do anything else.  I don't even want to think.  Thinking just stresses me out.  I've got to many fucking worries.  And bills, bills, bills.  I fucking hate bills.

I think people call what I'm feeling right now "depression."  The funny thing is that I've felt this often enough to know it will pass once I have something to focus on.  It's been brought on by the fact that I have nothing to do besides sit around and wait.  And I'm tired, so that just adds to the feeling.  And to top it all off I feel complete apathy about this little bought of depression.

When school starts I'll have plenty to keep me busy.  Boredom and waiting won't lead to apathy that will just drag me down.  Time to snooze.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Feeling good

I came home today feeling beat.  I showered and then passed out on my couch.  I slept for about four hours before John called me.  He got off work early and wanted to see if he and Jennifer could come over.  Since I don't have to work tonight I told him to come over.  He got here before he hung up.

After Jennifer got here we decided to go to the mall.  Jennifer wanted to trade out the jacket she had on lay-a-way for a larger size.  The sales ladies at the store, Wilson's Leather, are fucking bitches now.  They tried to give her hell about it, but she eventually got her way.  I'm not going to be buying anything there anymore though.  They were fucking rude.

We went into a couple of other stores too.  I bought a t-shirt from American Eagle that says 'Almost Handsome.'  I'm guessing it's a play on the movie Almost Famous.  I've never seen it, but I thought the shirt was funny, anyway.  After that we went into VS so Jennifer could buy some new panties.  She says since she has lost weight all of her panties are starting to fall off.  Maybe I'm just stupid or something, but I fail to see the problem.  Her husband is with me. 

We did, however, convince her to buy a couple of thongs.  She's always complained that they're uncomfortable.  We convinced her to try them for a week.  Every girl I've talked to says after a week she's never been bothered by a thong again. 

I can't believe I just wrote nearly two paragraphs about my friend's panties.  I guess there are worse things to talk about.  Anyway...

We went to this sporting goods store called Dick's after that.  When we got out I couldn't help but ask Jennifer what she and Falon had talked to Stephanie about.  Apparently Falon started telling Stephanie about how much I like her.  I interrupted Jennifer to ask her how Falon would know that.  Jennifer just gave me that look all women have, and said, "Robert, everyone knows." I hadn't known I'd been quite so...well, you know.  Anyway, she said Stephanie started saying, "He won't ever ask me out though..."  Jennifer asked her what she'd say if I did, and she told Jennifer that she would say yes.  Jennifer tells me she also said that if we got together it would probably be a long relationship too. 

Okay, given, I should take this in stride and not look too deeply into it, but I have to ask...Am I really that blind?  Or am I just stupid?  I guess it just goes to show you that you'll never know unless you take your shot.  It's still kind of hard to believe that this is happening.  And what could happen in time...that's just mind blowing.  I'm realistic, so don't get worried.  But I'm not going to worry about what could go wrong.  If I'm going to let my imagination run wild, which it does of it's own accord, I may as well imagine the things that could go right.  I can imagine the moments I hope we have in the future. 

The fact is, when it comes down to it, I want this to last for a long time too.  I want it to be a good thing for both of us.  I hope it is.  I know I'm getting ahead of myself.  I'll take it one step at a time, and do my best to go into this thing with no crazy expectations.  I'll hope for the best, and I'll look for the best, not the worst.  Yeah.  

Damn.  I want to describe this feeling.  I need too.  It's like finding out you've won the lottery.  You know you've won, but you have not even begun to figure out how you're going to cash the check, let alone spend it.  Now, really, it's nothing like that at all.  I don't know what it is yet.  But I've waited for this opportunity for a year now.  This is not some girl I met yesterday.  I've known her for while.  We've been friends in that time.  And I developed feelings for her.  At first, I admit, it was just a physical attraction.  That changed though.  And it scared the hell out of me when it did.

I don't know.  I'm just rambling.  And I'm hungry.  I need to eat something.  I'm feeling really good right now though.  Really good.  I like this feeling.  I'm hoping it lasts.  I want it to last forever. 

Now I'm into the crazy talk.  Anyway, I just hope I can, and/or do make Stephanie feel this way.  That would be nice, to know I make someone feel this way.

Okay, now I'm going to eat.  

And I'll enjoy this new adventure.

A small break

I worked last night to make up the time I took off Saturday.  It was well worth it.  Last night was pretty easy for a change, except for the by-the-book just-out-of-training manager.  I kept wanting to tell him that he was the new guy, and that the rest of us know how to do our jobs.  Somehow I don't think he would have taken that very well. 

I didn't do much yesterday except sleep.  Stephanie called me yesterday afternoon and we talked for a little while.  Mainly we just talked about school and our plans for law school.  Someone told her she needed to start applying early and she wanted my opinion on what "early" was.  I told her probably six months.  She asked me if I had started applying anywhere yet and I told her I still have at least two years of school left.  I think she said she had one, but that she wanted to stretch it out into two. 

That was pretty much the sum of the conversation.  I lost my signal while we were talking and called her right back.  When I did she told me she just realized she had to be at work in a couple of minutes and was probably going to be late, so she had to go.  I'd have liked to have talked to her longer, but I'll have plenty of opportunity later.  I might even call her this afternoon to see if she made it to work on time.

I'm kind of anxious for school to start again.  I'm looking forward to my new classes.  I've got a philosophy class called Race, Class, and Gender with Stephanie.  I'm also taking two histories, U.S. History to 1877 and World History.  Last but not least, I'm taking Intro. to Archaeology.  I'm really interested in how that last one is going to be.  I hope it's fun and interesting.  If it is I might have a new minor.  Who knows?

I priced all of my books at the UAB bookstore and on Amazon.com.  Except for one book they are all about the same after you factor in S&H.  I'm going to check the prices at Snoozey's, another bookstore near UAB, before I buy them.  Even if I have to pay full price and get all new books I'll still come out cheaper than what I have budgeted.  I'll have a little extra money to do something with. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2005

Back on the ground

Well, after two weeks and an ass-load of worrying by a lot of overpaid fuck-ups, the shuttle Discovery is safely back on earth.  I just watched it come in for a perfect landing at Edwards Air Force base in California a few minutes ago.  It's good they made it home safe.

What's bad is that the shuttle fleet won't be going anywhere for a while.  It really sucks.  It pisses me off the way the flying monkeys at NASA can't get their act together.  The solution to the problem is here, all they have to do is reach out and grab it.

Let me put it this way.  All of you who have owned a car for a while will see this easily enough.  You can own a car for thirty years and it will get you where you need to go every time.  The better you take care of it, the better it will take care of you.  But eventually things will start to wear out.  Things will have to be replaced.  Soon you won't go a week without having to put up the cash for a new car part.  Eventually, if you have any sense, you'll figure out that you're going to come out cheaper buying a new car instead of pouring money into a diaster waiting to happen.

We need new shuttles.  Plain, simple, and to the point.  We have the designs, we have the money (they don't call us the wealthiest nation in the world for nothing), and we have the people willing to do it.  We need a new fleet of shuttles to carry a new generation into space. 

Monday, August 8, 2005

I'm a worrier, and it's killing me...

I don't know why, but I've always worried.  I've always fallen prey to this worry since I was a little kid.  I'm always afraid that the good things that happen in my life will go straight to shit.  I guess that's because so many times they have.  I don't like worrying.  Which is why I'm writing about it.

Writing always helps me get it out of my system, which is good since my worrying is always accompanied by physical systems.  It sucks because for the past three days I've felt sick to my stomach.  And on top of that  I can't sleep.  Every time I try to sleep my mind can't shut down.  It just wanders from one stupid thought to another.  Why can't I just relax? 

Everything is going good in my life right now.  I've got a decent, though mind numbing, job.  I've got a nice, new car.  I've got a two bedroom apartment all to myself.  Viva La Bam! is on MTV.  Stephanie wants to go out with me.  Stephanie Wants To Go Out With Me.  STEPHANIE WANTS TO GO OUT WITH ME! 

These are all good things.  I should feel good.  I felt good most of the time last night when I was trying to figure out what do on our date.  And no, I have no idea yet.  That put a smile on my face.  I need to focus on something worth worrying about.  At least this one is a positive worry. 

Hmm, I want to do something unique.  We've seen movies together.  I've cooked for her before (she still talks about how good the chicken was...lol).  I'll have to cook for her again sometime. 

There is always Bumpers.  It's a pool hall.  I'm not the best player, but neither is Stephanie.  That could be fun.  Maybe dinner and then a few hours of shooting some pool.  It wouldn't be typical, that's for sure.  At least I don't think it would. 

There's still the museum to consider too.  I was at the website and they have a restuarant in there.  I didn't know about that.  It sounds like it might be good, but it could be all weird artsy food, if there is such a thing. 

You know what I really want right now?  You're going to laugh.  It's so pathetic.  I want Stephanie to be here.  I want to put my arms around, lay my head on her shoulder, and go to sleep.  Then I want to wake up and have her still be there, asleep with me so Ican wake her up with a kiss.  See, I told you that you would laugh.

Hey, even guys can be sappy romantics some times. 

Now I'm hungry.  What to eat......

Hmm, I was just told the pool hall was a good idea, but that we should go there first, and then have dinner.  That does sound better.  By George, I think I may have it.  Unless someone else has a better idea????

Sunday, August 7, 2005

No dinner and a movie?

So, what's my plan for a date with Stephanie?  I don't really know yet.  Dinner and a movie is out until later though, lol.  We've done that number before just as friends.  I want something a little more unique.  I'm not really sure what though.  I need to brainstorm.

There is always the Birmingham Art museum.  I like that place, and going there for a date could be fun.  I'm not sure if Stephanie would be interested though.  I don't know if she likes art.  Which is kind of odd, since I know her fairly well. 

I could also invite her swimming and grill.  That would be fun too, but would depend on the weather.  It might be something to save for later though. 

There isn't much to do in Alabama.  If this was LA or NY I could think of about a hundred different things to do.  I guess I need to look up some stuff online for Birmingham.  That's probably a good idea.

Any ideas are appreciated. 

This Just In!!!!!

So, I went to John's house around four today.  At least that's when I got there.  I told Jeremy we had to talk, and we went outside for a little chat.  I explained my feelings on the matter with him.  He said he didn't know how he got Stephanie's number.  Personally I think he might have taken it, but then again she could have given it to him.  Doesn't matter.

Anyway, we settled it.  He said he only wanted to be friends with her.  He said he wanted to see my reaction if he showed up with her.  I told him my reaction would have been to assume the worst and do all the violence to him that I am capable off. 

Anyway, that's done.  Now on too the important stuff.

Stephanie showed up.  At one point she went into John and Jennifer's room with Jennifer and Falon, John's cousin.  The guys were not allowed.  They were in there for a while.  When she came out she said she was probably staying the night and she was going to use the spare bed in Jeremy's room there.  I said Jeremy might like that a little too much, in my opinion.  She looked me right in the eye and said, "He doesn't have a chance."  I told her I almost felt sorry for him.  Almost, but not quite.

Anyway, a little while later John told me that Jennifer had told him Stephanie was interested in dating me and, ah, other things...hehe.  Anyway, I had kind of got that feeling when she made the comment about Jennifer. 

Me, her, and Jeremy eventually all tried to crash in his room.  We didn't do anything but toss and turn and eventually got up.  We watched a little tv and then Stephanie said she was going to drive home.  I walked her out to her car to say goodbye.  I took the opportunity, since we had all sobered up, to ask her if she'd like to go out.

Well, I'd say luck it with me.  Finally.  She first asked me if I wanted to make a commitment or if I wanted to go out and see if we wanted to make a commitment.  I told her I wanted to go out and then see if we wanted to make a commitment.  She said that she wanted to, but first she had to deal with her semi-exboyfriend Ryan first.  He's now at Old Miss University.  She told me to give her a week to deal with that.  Then we'd go out.  Then she laughed and told me that I was paying.

We said goodbye and she told me to call her.  I'll wait a day or too.  Or maybe I'll call her before I go to work.  I don't know.  I don't think it matters.  She said whenever.

Anyway, this is good news.  Finally I'm going to get the chance to see if she wants to be with me.  Hopefully she will.  But I couldn't ask her for an immediate commitment.  I like to take things slow.  And I think we'll both feel more comfortable if we know we still have options...lol. 

I can't wait until next week.

Friday, August 5, 2005

The smoldering fingers of hate are takind a hold of my heart...

I put "quiet" as my mood because it is the one choice that is most obvious to casual observation.  Inside I'm feeling very hurt and angry.  But I'm as quiet as a leopard about to strike.  And I'm as dangerous as a wounded leopard.

Stephanie just called me a minute ago.  She told me Jeremy had called her.  He asked her if she wanted to come to John's party on Saturday night.  She called me and asked if I had given him her number.  I didn't.  I never would have.  To be honest, I never wanted him to meet her.  When it comes to girls, I can't compete with Jeremy, I know that.  I didn't want to take any chances that he would try and hook up with Stephanie.

I think anyone who's read this regurlarly knows I have feelings for this girl.  Strong feelings.  It's not just physical attraction, she's amazing all around.  She has her faults like everyone, but that doesn't change my feelings for her.  She's had a boyfriend the whole time I've known her, but she was trying to get rid of her last one by this time and probably has.  I was hoping to find out and comtemplating finally taking my chance with her.

And then I find out this.  I don't know how Jeremy got her number.  My first instinct is that he stole it from me.  Stephanie asked me if it was okay if she came, and I told her I had planned on  inviting her.  Which I had, but she's bad about breaking plans so it's good to get her last minute.  It seems someone beat me to it.

Well, I know I can trust Stephanie.  And I know I can't trust Jeremy.

I don't know anything for sure, though.  That's the only reason I'm not hunting for Jeremy right now.  I told him I'd kill him over Stephanie, and while I didn't mean that literally, I will kick his ass over her.  If they had met somewhere at random and hooked up, my hands would be tied.  They didn't.  They met in my home against my will.  John and Jennifer invited him along when I had arranged for them to meet Stephanie.  I didn't invite Jeremy.  I didn't want him there.  This is entry is why.

Stephanie said she wasn't sure if he was asking her out or just being nice.  I don't know either.  For all I know he was asking her to come for my benefit.  Then again, he may have been asking her out.  Or it could be a prelude to asking her out.  Whichever waythe cards fall, I'm man enought to admit that I'm scared.  This may go very, very badly.

Thursday, August 4, 2005

Typical

Typically, Stephanie never called me back.  I went to sleep around three and slept until seven.  She didn't call and by the time I woke up I didn't feel like calling John or Jennifer.  I watched a little tv, cooked my burgers, and then I watched Alexander.

And now I know why it flopped.  The movie just wasn't big enough.  It wasn't long enough, it wasn't in depth enough.  It skimmed too much.  The battle scenes were absolutely horrible.  The battle scenes in Troy were so much better.  Alexander the Great was a warrior.  If Oliver Stone had portrayed him the way we see Achilles in Troy the movie would have been much better.  Alexander wanted to be Achilles.  He wanted the same things.  Maybe it was the acting.  Brad Pitt made Achilles come to life.  You could feel it.  He made you feel like you could conquer the world.  You could see the love his men had for him.  Colin Farrell just made me feel like all he did was whine and beg his men to follow him.  The love was never there in my eyes, no matter how much it was talked about.  They didn't show it.

In Troy, when someone told Achilles he couldn't do something, he went out and did it.  He didn't try to convince by talking.  He did it.  In reality Alexander the Great did the same.  The movie Alexander didn't reflect that.  Most of the movie is him arguing with his generals, when it should be him conquering the known world.

All his achievements were in the backround.  We don't see the Alexandria's, except for the one in Egypt forty years after his death.  His defeat of Emporer Darius was anitclimatic at best.  Everything just seemed to be a big blur.  It really needed to be slowed down.  Alexander didn't conquer the world in a day, but the movie makes you think so.  The flashbacks were a mistake.  I'm not talking about the narrator, but Alexander's flashbacks. His life should have been handled chronologically, and more of younger life, including how he subdues Macedonia after his father's death, should have been focues upon.  This is a mere footnote in the movie, barely mentioned, but it was very important to his career.  It was not even mentioned that he had to reconquer Greece after Philip's death and that he destroyed Thebes to forrebelling. 

In the beginning of Troy we see Brad Pitt fight a giant of a man and kill him as easy anyone else stepping on a bug.  That established his bona fides as Achilles.  If we had seen Colin Farrell consolidating his power in Macedonia by killing his rivals and then his reconquest of Greece we would have had his bona fides as Alexander.  We didn't get it.

All in all, the movie was far to little.  Three pages in my Western Civ. I book show more of Alexander's life than Oliver Stone's piece of shit. 

Wednesday, August 3, 2005

Plans

I've got lots of plans.  I like having plans.  It's nice to have a plan and go through with it, making changes as you go because you always have to.  A plan should always be flexible.  If it's not, then it's less than useless.  The world is constantly in motion, constantly changing, and so your plans must be like water and fit in whatever container you're given.

Now, on to my plans.  They're nothing big, just typical stuff that I feel writing about because the aftermath will be probably be in future entries.

First thing is my plan for tonight.  I don't have to work and I wanted to do something besides sit at home doing nothing.  I went out and rented the director's cut of Alexander first.  I also bought some burgers to cook.  I need meat.  I never realized how much until I lived on a budget.  The more red meat the happier I am.

I thought about inviting John and Jennifer over, but I thought I'd invite Stephanie first.  She told me she had to work until nine tonight, and I said that was too bad.  Then she asked if I could wait until nine, and I said sure.  So no John and Jennifer.  Stephanie is supposed to call me at four to let me know if she is coming.  If she says she's not I'll see if John and Jennifer want to come over.  Either way I'm going to have something to do tonight.

I asked off Saturday so I could hang out with John for his birthday.  I bought him a bottle of Absinthe, which I'm hoping he'll share.  So I intend to get trashed Saturday.  Hopefully we'll have some other things to drink too.  I don't know what else we'll do.  I know his mother has a lunch planned for him that day for family.  I don't think he's to enthusiastic about it, but it sounds nice.  He's lucky to have a mother to do something like that for him.

Okay, so there are my plans.  For now anyway.  Things always change.