Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Yesterday sucked, today sucks, and tomorrow will suck

I am really angry.  I'm always angry.  Or if not angry, then sad.  Those are the only two emotions I feel with any regularity.  There are blips of other things hear and there, but not often and not consistently.  I'd rather be angry than sad, I'll tell you that much, but it still isn't all that great.  I'm easily frustrated and always tired because my adrenaline is always up. 

The only good thing about it is that I'm constantly moving around and doing something.  I can hardly sit still anymore.  Even if I'm tired I feel like I need to be moving.  Typing is about the only thing that will keep me sitting still, and even then I'm usually tapping my foot.  This has led to me getting plenty of exercise and getting into a little better shape.   

I feel so tore up inside.  I'm sick of all this.  I really am.  There has got to be something I can do to stop feeling this way.  I'm sick of being sad about Stephanie.  I'm sick of being mad about it.  I'm tired of wanting something I can't have.  And I'm tired of being afraid that it will always be this way. 

It's been months.  You'd think I would be feeling better by now.  But it's just more of the same everyday.  I don't know what to do. 

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I want to....

I want to die.  I want to cry.  I want to fight.  I want to kill.  I want to rip someone apart.  I want to slice through someone throat with the serrated edge of my Spyderco knife.  I want to see what the hollow points loaded in my .45 will do to someones body.

I want things to go my way.  I want to love someone who loves me back.  I want to find someone who can make all the pain go away and stay away.  I want to be loved back.  I would settle for the pain to stop and the emptiness inside to go away. 

You find yourself wondering if eating a bullet just might solve your problems.  But in the end you know you're too much of a coward to actually do it.  You're so afraid of hurting someone or missing out on something.  But what? 

What is it that holds me here?  If I can have so much faith and hope that things will be good one day, then why can't I have faith in God?  Why am I like this?  Why can't I just move on and get over it?  Why can't I make the pain go away? 

It's because no matter what, I still love her.  I still want her.  And I would forgive her anything.  If she loved me, nothing else would matter. 

This shouldn't have happened.  I should have done something to stop it a long time ago.  I shouldn't have done this to myself.  I don't want to feel this pain anymore.  But I don't know how to make it stop.  I don't know how.

I need advice from everyone!

Okay, here is the problem.  I'm going to a funeral today.  My first choice of clothing is my black pinstriped suit (three piece by Brooks Brothers), a white shirt, and a black tie.  Simple and to the point. 

At least, to me it is.  Is this too much?

To me, this wouldn't be dressing to show myself off, which I completely want to avoid, but dressing to show respect.  It seems appropriate to me, but I don't want to seem like I'm showing off. 

So what does everyone think? 


Monday, November 28, 2005

Robert's Picks

I am reading:  The same things as two weeks ago.  It's going kind of slow.

I am listening to:  Eve 6 by Eve 6 (excellent)

On dvd, I am watching:  StarGate: Atlantis, Season 1(good)

I am playing: Fable, The Lost Chapters on Pc (good)

Random Quote

"You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't."

No matter what I do, it always the same. 

I got a metaphorical slap across the face at work.  I guess I deserved it for trying to be a nice guy, and also trying to have a little fun and joke around.  But nobody takes a joker seriously, and nice guys always finish last.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Well, damn...

I am really not looking forward to work tonight.  I went to sleep early, but I kept waking up.  Finally, around two o'clock I got up and stayed up.  I have not really done much.  I should be writing, but I'm not in the mood.  That doesn't matter either.  I think I'll do a little bit on my lunch break, if I'm up to it.  I may even do a little now, and then around eight I'll try and take an hour or so to nap.

I'm planning on going to Jennifer's dad's funeral this Tuesday.  I can't say I'm looking forward to it.  Who would be?  But I'm really not the type of person who goes to funerals, no matter who it is for.  I have not been to one since my great-grandfather died six years ago.  Something good actually came out of going to that one.  His death brought me and someone else back together for a time. 

Anyway, I've just been really tired lately.  Tired of everything.  One thing in particular is people who waste their potential.  There are so many people out there who just throw their lives away for no reason at all.  They do things that make no sense to me.  How can they go through life not caring?  It's insane. 

Ah, I'm kind of distracted right now.  I don't really know what I want to talk about or what I want to do.  I just...I just don't know. 

You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved, right?  So what do you do instead?  How do you not care? 

Lovely, my life.  Just lovely. 


Saturday, November 26, 2005

Home again

I'm home from work, and I'm tired.  I'll probably still be up for a little while before I go to bed though.  I think I should take a shower first.  I feel like I am covered in grim. 

Last night at work went okay.  It wasn't a hard night or anything.  We hardly got any new stuff in at all.  I found myself walking around doing nothing more times than not. 

I saw a funny bumper sticker on my way home.  It said:  "America, love it or give it back."  It made me laugh.  Maybe someone else will get a kick out of it too.

I don't know how I feel right now.  Well, I do.  I want Stephanie in childish, petulant sort of way.  I can see myself sitting here with my bottom lip sticking out, pouting.  It would be funny if it were not so pathetic.

I guess I should call John and Jennifer some time today and see how they are doing.  Her dad's death has been a long time coming, so I think she is probably taking it pretty well, but I'd still like to check on her.  

I'm afraid that my feelings toward Jeremy have not changed in the slightest.  I feel no sympathy for him.  All I feel is a cold hatred.  Every time I think I might be able to shake it off I'll inadvertently think of something, anything, that I might have shared with Stephanie...and then I'll remember that I can't, but he probably has or will.  And that cuts to the bone every time.  I feel sick to my stomach and my head sort of spins.  I hate it.  I wish I could make it stop. 

But I can't.  So I go on and on, trying to put the pieces back together knowing they are going to just get shattered again.  Hoping that they won't.  I don't know what else to do. 

Friday, November 25, 2005

Phone calls in the early PM

I got two phone calls early this afternoon.  The first was from Jennifer to tell me that her dad had just died.  I've kind of been expecting that call, though I didn't expect it so soon after the fact.  I really didn't know what to say.  I had just woken up, after all.

As soon as I laid back down in bed I got another call.  This was from my Aunt Melissa in California.  She'd been seeing this guy and they were about to move in together, but he just died.  Now she is having problems with the guy's roommate, also a women though there was nothing between them but friendship from what I'm told.

I went back to sleep as soon as I could.  I was exhausted.  I still feel pretty tired.  I'm going to take a hot shower and hopefully loosen myself up. I am also hoping work won't be too bad after the mad rush we had last night of Morning After Thanksgiving sale shoppers.  No one got trampled...much.

A Painful Truth

I'm a little drunk.  I admit it.  Fuck you.  It isn't early to me...hell, it's way past my bedtime.

"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

I don't know who said that.  I've always hated that saying, though.  The reason used to be that I thought it was bullshit.  Well, Stephanie has taught me that it is not bullshit.  It is true.  It's fucked up, and more painful than anything I can possibly imagine (and I've had third degree burns) but it's true.

I wouldn't give up what I feel for Stephanie.  I never will.  I may bury it.  One day.  But I'll never give it up.  And if I could do it all over again I wouldn't make myself not feel if I had that choice.  Loving her is sweet.  I guess truly loving anyone is.  That's not a bad thing, and it should be cherished.  I can still smile about it.  It still puts that stupid grin on my face.  It feels so good to love her. 

It's her not loving me that hurts.  True love is dangerous.  I'm glad that I've survived it so far.  It puts you in a state of euphoria.  I can't imagine what it would be like to know she felt this for me too.  The possibilities are mind blowing. 

God, I love her so much.  I wish....I wish I wish I wish.  I wish so much I could cry.  It hurts, it feels good.   But the hurt is there more than the good.  It's only when I think of Jeremy with her that the hurt comes, though.  Then feelings of betrayal and anger intrude.

Fuck it.  I love you, Stephanie, even though I know you're not reading this.  I hate you Jeremy, and it's possible that if you had the mind to you could be reading this.  Well, if you are:  Fuck you, you fucking traitor!  I hope you fucking die screaming!  And I hope I'm there to see it!

Well, th-that's all folks!


Thursday, November 24, 2005

Well, I went...

I did go to my grandfather's.  And I was right, the food was good.  They had already eaten when I got there, but I made myself a plate and enjoyed.  It was kind of nice, and kind of uncomfortable.  That's no longer home, I know that much.  It was weird to realize that. 

I talked to my grandfather about the savings bond deal, and since he was sober he didn't bitch and moan about it.  He didn't even flinch.  He just wrote a check to take care of it.  That was nice of him.  He also gave me a bottle of Scotch and a hundred and fifty bucks for Christmas.  That was kind of nice of him too, and I wasn't expecting it. 

I used a little bit of it to buy a couple of things I needed/wanted.  I think I am going to save the rest for my birthday.  I really don't want to go back to work tonight.  That is going to suck. Another week of work.  I really need some better off days too. 

I'm feeling rather lonely right about now.  That sucks too.  There is so much I need that I don't have, and so much I have that I don't need. 


Thanksgiving dinner at John and Jennifer's, which was technically last night, was nice.  It was a little subdued though.  It seemed like it was a little easier being around Stephanie and Jeremy, but that may have been only because they were not there for too long.  Jeremy had to go to work and Stephanie left when he did. 

Jennifer and Jeremy's dad is dying.  He has been for a long time.  He has liver cancer.  He's gone down hill in the past couple of months though, and he is basically on his death bed.  He may not make it through the night, or he may live for another couple of weeks. 

Oddly enough, even though they've never had the best relationship, Jeremy is taking it the hardest.  I can't say I feel any sympathy for him, because I don't.  I almost wish I did, but I can't change what I feel or don't feel.  Maybe I would be a better person if I did feel some sympathy for him, but I am what I am. 

I drank some tonight, but not really much to even get a buzz.  Beer still taste like shit to me, although there is a brand I've heard is good that I am going to try soon.  Gentleman Jack and Coke still taste nice.  Straight Jack is still mean.  I had all of those, and more.  If I want to get drunk, I have to make a real effort.  Tonight I didn't. 

It was nice to hang out with all of my friends.  Jason and David came.  Falon and Lance.  John's cousin Samantha.  Logan, his girlfriend Frankie, and others I've mentioned.  It was nice.  I played the rake with the ladies a little bit, just because it's fun.  Other than that, we just sort of relaxed. 

I might go to my grandfather's to eat tomorrow morning.  I'd kind of like to.  The food will be good, and I need to talk to him about that savings bond thing.  I also might go to a gun show this weekend.  I don't have any money, but it could be nice.  I think I might go Saturday, and then go shooting Sunday.  I have not been in a while, and I miss it.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Crazy Day

Today was kind of crazy.  Stephanie called me this morning while she was at work.  We also talked a little online.  We decided we needed to register for classes next semester, so I asked if she wanted to get together to do that. 

So after she got off of work she called me and I met her at her house.  I am only taking two classes next semester, both philosophy and both with her.  I still have not got around to changing my major yet, but I will.  I was going to do that today, but something came up.

I went to philosophy class, and since I was there early I spent some time writing.  Class was getting close to starting time and no one was there so I took a look at the schedule and found out that there was no class.  So I decided to pack up and leave.  

I went to the Rave movie theater and saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Walk the Line.  They are both excellent movies and I really enjoyed them.  While I am a huge Harry Potter fan and loved the movie, Cash beat him out hands down in this case.  Walk the Line surprised me.  I didn't think it could be done again after Ray, but it was.  I really, really liked it.   

I was only at Stephanie's house for a few minutes today, but it was nice to see her.  It's been a while because she has been sick.  She's still feeling weak and kind of sick.  I wanted to hold her.  I just want to take care of her.  I know where that comes from.  I want to feel needed.  I'm not.  That sucks more than just about anything I could possibly imagine.

I'll see her again tomorrow too, but that will be different.  I hope I make it through our Thanksgiving dinner okay.  I'll probably sleep most of the day tomorrow.  I'll need it. 

Well, good night.  I wish I was going to sleep instead of work.

Oh, yeah.  There's this other girl.  She's interesting.  I want to learn more about her.  Part of me twists in a sickened sort of way when I say that.  I can't help that.  I wish it didn't.  But still, I'm interested.  Life is the future, not the past.

Review of The Boondock Saints

From the back:  When the sadistic Russian mob starts muscling in on their South Boston Irish neighborhood, Connor and Murphy McManus know what must be done.  Feeling that the vengeance of God is flowing through their veins, they set out to rid the streets of gangsters, criminals and lowlifes.  As the body count rises, the brothers become local heroes.  Now, one unorthodox FBI agent must be cunning enough to bring them down.

This short description of the movie hardly does it justice.  These guys are no Frank Castle's.  They are just ordinary working class guys in Boston trying to do some good when it becomes obvious to them that they can.  The don't really have any special skills or training and it shows.  It makes for some moments of hilarity in this movie which is a serious portrayal of vigilante justice. 

The acting is good, the characters believable, and the film style quite cool.  All of the action scenes, except for the last, are told in flashback.  First you hear how the FBI investigator (William Defoe) thinks it happened and then you see how it really happened. 

This is a great movie.  I would say it can claim the title of instant cult classic.  It's low budget from what I can tell, but it doesn't show.  That just goes to show the excellent film work that went into this. 

Don't waste any time seeing this one.  It ranks as one of my top ten favorites.

And you wonder why I'm a gun nut?


Can you leave the front door unlocked? Better check this chart first.

1. Camden, N.J.
2. Detroit
3. St. Louis
4. Flint, Mich.
5. Richmond, Va.
6. Baltimore
7. Atlanta
8. New Orleans
9. Gary, Ind.
10. Birmingham, Ala.

AOL had a headline about the top ten most dangerous cities to live in.  I thought it might be interesting to check out.  Funny how L. A. and New York are absent, but the city I live in is number ten.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Another Random Confession

We all have fantasies.  Probably the most common kind is the sexual fantasy.  No one can honestly deny having those.  Mine have ranged from school teachers to my friend's wife.  Do I feel guilty about them?  Not a damn bit.  There is a difference between fantasy and reality, doing and thinking about doing.

But here is an odd one:  I often find myself fantasizing about committing crimes, and not without a great deal of excitement.  The crimes are all usually big things too, from bank robberies to murders.  While I admit that after having them I sometimes find myself sick to my stomach, while I'm having them I can't deny the excitement they entail.  It's quite disconcerting at times.  Usually they are the result of me wondering about "what if's"...such as, "what if I had nothing to lose?"

SII strikes again...

I am watching The Punisher for about the third time in a row right now.  I really do love this movie.  I am extremely tired, but I am also in the middle of a little spellwork that can't be left unattended at the moment, so I'll be up for a while longer.  It requires a bit of constant concentration.  If you focus on a painful moment in your life over and over and over, you eventually go numb to it.  It's an odd sensation, but it works.

Anyway, I came home from work today, showered, and went to John's house.  I took him to the doctor and he had his cast changed.  He is doing a lot better than he could have been and can put some weight on his foot, which is excellent since he only has the one.  After being at the doctors' office for a couple of hours we picked some lunch up at Dairy Queen and then went back to his house.  We ate and then John started playing (I find this hilarious) The Punisher on Xbox.  It looked like a pretty cool game, and he offered me the chance to play, but I passed.  It's Jeremy's Xbox, and I just wouldn't have felt at all right using it.  Breaking it, on the other hand...that might have felt nice.

John played for hours until Jennifer got home.  I almost nodded off a few times.  I chit chatted with the two of them for a little while, and we were all bored out of our minds.  Going to the mall was brought up, but I was just too tired for that.  I had too much to do here. 

The Punisher is almost over.  I think I am going to pop in The Boondock Saints next.  It is another excellent movie that everyone should see.

To Hell With It!

I got a new MP3 player.  I spent a couple of hours loading my music onto it, and then I let it charge all day just like you are supposed to.  And guess what?  It doesn't work.  It won't even come on.  So fuck it.  In the morning when I get off work I am returning this one and keeping the money.  I can find something more interesting to spend it on. 

Sometimes I love technology.  Other times, I hate it. 

Oh, and I've changed my mind about work.  Considering I'm going to have an extra hundred and thirty bucks anyway I'm not going to work Monday.  And I also realized I'll only get two hours of double time.  That's okay though, since I've stayed late every day this week.  So I should get my forty this week, anyway.  I'll use the money from the returned MP3 player to buy Christmas presents with. 

I know what I'm getting for John.  That's easy.  Cash so he can finish his tattoo.  I have no clue what to get for Jennifer or Stephanie.  Jennifer I'll figure out, but Stephanie is going to be a little tough, though I do have an idea or two.  I'm thinking maybe some earrings from this little store she likes.  They won't be too expensive, but at the same time they won't be cheap either.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

I'm tired as hell, but happier than I was.

The company on the above banner ad would happily dump toxic waste into the ocean to kill all the cute and cuddly marine wildlife.  You wouldn't give money to a company that would kill cute and cuddly marine wildlife, would you?

Okay, now that's out of the way.  I'm really tired right now.  I think I am going to go  crawl back into bed for a couple more hours of sleep.  I was going to play poker online tonight, but I'm just too beat.  And it is only going to get worse.

Tomorrow I don't get to sleep, and I probably won't go to class either.  First, I have to pick up John around nine tomorrow morning and take him to the doctor.  He rolled his ankle and did an ass load of damage trying to be Superman at work the other day.  Someone should tell him he only has one real leg and that he should take better care of it. 

Jennifer has to work, and Jeremy is unreliable so the duty has fallen to me.  If it wasn't me, it was going to be Stephanie.  She is still feeling sick so she and I are both glad it's me.  I talked to her a few minutes ago.  She said she feels better, but not as much as she'd like.  I'm just glad she is doing better.  I really was worried.  She said she ran a high fever for two days before they gave her something.  Anyway, I'm glad I talked to her. 

I had a bit of a realization today.  I've been watching one of my favorite movies, The Punisher, while I'm awake.  Okay, the character of Frank Castle is just like me, or I'm just like him.  Especially this past couple of months.  What I mean is the way he comes off to other people.  He seems so cold and distant, like nothing can touch him anymore, and slightly pissed off in general.  I think that is how other people have been seeing me, hence their efforts to make me smile all the damned time. 

And I've got another thing in common with that character.  That thing is drinking so that I can let go of the tight control I've always kept on myself, emotionally.  See, I never viewed Frank Castle's drinking in the movie as his way of hiding from the pain.  He'd drink more if it was.  I've always viewed it as his way of letting himself feel, forcing himself to feel.  Some people seem to go numb from drinking...not me, and not this comic book character either. 

Now, obviously I don't kill a bottle of Wild Turkey every night, but still.  I drink maybe once a month, if that, and usually only on holidays.  And I like to be alone for part of that time too.  I'd like there to be someone to help me through those moments when I finally lose control, but most of the time there isn't anyone I trust enough.  For that one person who was there for probably the worst of it, in a manner of speaking, I'm very thankful.

Okay, on to a bit of a cheerier subject.  I think I am going to work tomorrow night, even though it is my off night.  Because I also work Thanksgiving I'll be getting eight hours of double-time and eight hours of time and a half if I do that.  And that, ladies and gentleman, will be very nice.  And I could use the money too.  I also have a coupon from WalMart for an additional ten percent off, on top of my  regular discount, on any single item.  I don't know what I'll use it on, but it will probably be a Christmas present for someone.

Well, I think that about wraps it up.

Good night, and good luck.

Always something...

While I was working last night I pulled my MP3 player out of my pocket to listen to some music.  I turned it on and got the headphones in my ears and started listening as I slid it back into my pocket.  A few minutes later a good song came on and I reached into my pocket to crank up the volume...and I discovered that my volume knob was broken. 

I was, needless to say, very angry.  I said quite a few choice words, and then I tried fixing it myself.  When I finally admitted I wouldn't be fixing it I tried to just listen to it at the one volume.  That lasted about one song.  So no music for the great majority of the night.  It was a good thing I wasn't working alone because my own mind would have driven me nuts.  If I could dictate a novel that way things might be different. 

Since I still had the package it came in and all of the stuff for it I just returned it to WalMart.  It had gone on sale since I bought it, so I was hoping to get a really good deal with my discount.  Unfortunately my discount didn't work, so I only got about six dollars.  But still, that's six dollars and a brand new MP3 player, so I can't really complain.

Not much, anyway.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

What's Christianity got against happiness?

One of my coworkers was offended by the knowledge that I have a subscription to Playboy.  He is a devout Christian and based upon his beliefs is offended by the nudity mainly, but also the lifestyle the magazine attempts to perpetuate.

So I started thinking, what's God got against nudity?  The answer seemed simple.  Nudity leads to desire.  We desire that which brings us pleasure (in this case sex).  Now, let's look at pleasure more generally and not just in terms of physical pleasure.

What's God got against pleasure?  Well, my friends, feeling pleased generally makes you happy.  Doesn't seem like that's such a bad thing, does it?

So, what does God got against happiness? 

And here is where it gets interesting (to me, at any rate).  The whole idea behind Christianity (and most mainstream religions I'm familiar with) is that life on earth sucks.  We can only attain true happiness in a promised afterlife.  But we can only get to that after life if we follow certain rules.

Now, if you had happiness here, when you are supposed to be miserable wouldn't that make you doubt the need to follow those rules to attain true happiness.  If you can find it here, simply attaining your desires instead of someone else's rules, why would you look anywhere else?  Let's face it, attaining your desires is no harder than following all the various rules and regulations of the Bible.

Religions are by their very nature a form of control just like government and the law.  Does it have it's place in society?  Certainly.  I follow a strict code of honor in a way I would describe as religious.  I incorporate rules of behavior that I believe should be followed.  Notice all the "I's" in that last sentence?  Religion is also meant to be personal, not communal.  It's about the individuals relationship with the Divine, whatever they may envision that to be.

Should you let your religion guide you in life?  Yes.  But not blindly.  And your religion should guide you and only you.  You shouldn't expect it to guide even a single other person.  Those people don't matter.  Religion is about you and the Divine.  It is personal and subjective.  To expect others to follow your path is a mistake.  Even Christianity tells us to "judge not." 

Religion is about doing what you feel is right.  That's faith.  When you feel deep down inside that something is right.  Faith is not blindly following what your minister, priest, pope, preacher, Bible, Koran, etc. etc. etc. tells you is right.  You must think.  And you must decide all for yourself.  Agree, if that's what you think is right.  But don't follow just because someone has told you it is what you should do.  No one can tell you what is right.  No one except you. 

And that goes in both directions.  If you believe something is right, even if not a single person agrees with you, you must follow your own feelings.  Sure, you could be wrong.  But then again, so could everyone else. 

Friday, November 18, 2005

Some surprises are actually good.

I opened my door to step outside into the cold, crisp air so that I could begin my adventure to find something to eat and a box fell over onto my foot.  It was a brown cardboard box with the distinctive markings of upon it. 

It was my copy of the 2006 Novel & Short Story Writers Market!

I'm glad it is finally here.  Just flipping through it has been interesting.  There is a lot of information there.  I've already looked at the list of magazines in the back that publish fantasy stories.  However, I was surprised that at least two of the magazines I'm familiar with were not listed there.  They might be somewhere else, but I don't know.  Realms of Fantasy should have been there.  It is one of the best of the fantasy magazines out there.

I think I am going to find another magazine to send Satisfaction off to as soon as possible.  The only problem is that I need to read the magazines before I submit, and that can get expensive.  I recently bought a subscription to Realms of Fantasy, but that was because I got a ten dollar gift certificate from  You can usually pick up back issues cheaply though, so maybe I'll do that.


There is good funk, and then there is bad funk.  I'm in a funk right now.  Guess which one it is?  I don't know what is wrong with me.  I just kind of woke up in a bad mood.  I think it is waking up at when it's dark that is bothering me.  It's just so unnatural.  I've never been able to get used to waking up in the dark.

But it's not just that either.  I keep getting into this total black mood.  It sucks.  I can almost pull myself out of it, but I need people to help me do that.  And that doesn't always help either.  Sometimes people just make it worse. 

I'm watching Run's House on MTV right now.  It's the first time I've watched actual TV in over a week.  That's a good thing, I think.  Sometimes it helps you get a glimpse of the outside world though, and I felt like I needed that.  This show is pretty good.  I like it, and it's cheering me up a little bit.

I'm hungry as well, but I don't know what I want to eat.  I'm broke too, which kind of puts constraints on what I can eat.  I'm debating taking my last fourteen bucks and going out and buying some stuff.  But I don't know what I want, just the same.  A nice, juicy hamburger sounds good.  If I had a decent grill I could even pull that off.  I don't want fast food.  No way.  Although pizza is tempting.  I think I need to go to the store.

Okay, money is tight, but I am hoping that after next month that should end.  I'll turn twenty-one and my car insurance premium should go down.  That will help.  I am also selling my PC since I never use it.  I put up a flyer on the announcement board at the mailboxes listing it and all it's features for $850.  It retails for over a thousand and is in EXCELLENT condition so I am hoping some chump will pick it up.  I am also thinking of listing it on ebay.

Okay, I need a shower.  Yes, ladies, you have my permission to get all hot and bothered thinking of me in the shower.  You know I'm dead sexy.  Guys?  Look, whatever, just don't tell me about it, please.


I fucking hate Feds.

I got a letter today from the Department of the Treasury.  It came in a big, thick envelope.  I knew it wouldn't be good news.  The government never sends you good news.  It just doesn't happen.

Anyway, a long time ago when I was still in high school my grandfather said that some US savings bonds he had purchased in my name never arrived.  He filed a claim and new bonds were issued.  This was years ago, back when I was still just learning to drive. 

Apparently I cashed two of those "missing" bonds because they were never lost after all.  I now owe the Treasury Department $232 and change.  The fucking greedy bastards.  A huge corporation can screw thousands of people out of their pensions and doesn't have to pay a red cent back, but they're after me for a measly two hundred bucks?  Now, given, people should pay their debts, but fuck me running, couldn't you give a guy a break?

Frankly, I don't have the money.  I don't even know if I can cover my bills this month without cashing in my last bond.  And now I have to worry about getting another letter if I cash that one in.  This really sucks.  I think I am going to go to my grandfather and tell him to cut a check.  It's his fuck up after all.  And he owes me a favor anyway. 

It seems like every time I start to get ahead a little bit something unexpected comes up.  Why does this shit happen?  After living on my own for nine months I have nothing but sympathy for everyone out there doing what I am doing.  You almost can't get ahead in this world if you don't have money from the start.  It's a total uphill battle. 

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The rest of the day.

Down with the banner ads!!!  Do not patronize the above banner add for the love of God!!

Okay, now that that is out of the way, I thought I'd tell you about the rest of my day.  Stephanie called me about twenty minutes before class started.  I could tell just listening to her voice that she wasn't coming.  She is really sick.  She's got the flu. 

We talked for a few minutes.  She said she really wanted to come but that she was too sick.  She told me she missed me.  I miss her, and I told her so.  She asked me to call her back when I got out of class. 

Class was okay.  We had a big discussion about prostitution.  I think that is what I am going to right my paper about.  Some people in there can't relax and just enjoy the chaos of a discussion class.  I guess that asshole prefers lecture classes.  Fuck him.  I pissed him off. Good. 

I called Stephanie after class, but we only talked for a minute before she asked if she could call me back later.  I thought maybe she had to do something or was in the middle of something.  I hadn't heard from her two hours later so I thought I'd call since she tends to be a little scatter brained.  Turns out she was just trying to rest.  She said she was still planning on calling me, but that she wanted to try and get a little sleep.  I apologized and let her go.  I didn't mean bug her.

I guess I sounded a little aggravated too when I called her.  I didn't mean to.  It's just that when someone I care about is sick I feel so helpless because I can't do anything.  I want them to get better, but there is nothing I can do.  It's frustrating and it gets me a little annoyed.

I just wish there was something I could do.  I wish I could go be with her, and take care of her.  I wish a lot of things.  I don't like feeling helpless.  It's never a good feeling.  I feel the need to do something, to fix what is broken, and yet in situations like this I can't.  It's frustrating to the extreme. 

I made some burritos for dinner.  I just finished eating.  I am going to try and get a couple of hours of sleep before going into work.  I hope Stephanie calls me, but I won't mind if she doesn't.  She needs her rest.  I just wish there was something I could do for her. 

So, what did you do today?

I got up a little early today so I could make it to my first class on time...only to find out it had been cancelled.  I didn't go to my second class because it was being held in the medical school library which is a long walk, and on top of that I'm not sure which room it's in.  I am tempted to skip my last class, which is philosophy, just out of spite. 

I tried to change my major today, but I couldn't find the Philosophy Academic Advisors office.  All I found were locked doors with no signs saying who they belonged too.  I really hate that. 

I went to the library to check out a book for a philosophy paper I have to write and I found that while the computer said it wasn't checked out someone had beat me to the shelf.  I was on the third floor and decided to enjoy the view for a moment.  I walked over to the windows and noticed somebody sitting in a corner off to my right.  It was, to my surprise, my friend Casee.  We have not seen each other in about a year or longer. 

I had actually been thinking of her recently (she's the one we talked about, Ave.  Who'd a thought I'd just run into her.  No, I didn't ask.  I'll explain later).  We talked for about thirty minutes, just catching up.  She changed her major to Business.  She had planned on being a Veterinarian, but found the upper level sciences to be too hard.  She's still with the same boyfriend.  They've been together off and on since high school.  I wouldn't be surprised to find out they are getting married soon.

Stephanie has been sick the last couple of days.  She and Jeremy went camping with John and Jennifer last weekend and Jeremy is an idiot.  She packed what he said to bring and nearly froze because it was so cold.  He is a moron, but John warned her. 

I'm hoping she feels better and makes it to class today.  I called her and asked her to call me and tell me if she is going to make it.  I was thinking of skipping class if she wasn't coming, and I still might.  I did get spotted by our teacher, though, as she walked to one of her other classes.  I just might have to show up. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

It's about damned time...

Finally, after contacting AOHell's LiveHelp six gods be damned times I seem to be able to add entries again.  My last post was via instant message which only allows so much.

Anyway, I got a response from Fantasy and Science Fiction magazine.  My story, Satisfaction, was rejected.  I'm not surprised, but I must admit a certain feeling of disappointment.  There was always some small part of me that hoped.

I almost wish I could approach women with this same shrug my shoulders and move on attitude.  It would certainly make things easier.  However, if, in a few years, this writing thing doesn't seem to pan out or just stops being fun I can put it aside. 

Something can never be put aside, though.

I've actually been doing more than just sitting at home on my off days, for once.  Last night I went to John and Jennifer's and watched Stealth (which was good except for two plot elements which I found myself unable to swallow, namely two suicides).  I also watched part of Madagascar until I felt I needed to leave so I wouldn't fall asleep on the drive home. 

Tonight we went and did a little shopping.  First we went to Kohl's, where I bought a black Columbia skullcap which I've been wanting for a while.  John and Jennifer didn't get anything.  We went to the mall next.  I didn't get anything there but John and Jennifer bought a couple of Christmas presents. 

I need to do a little Christmas shopping myself.  I've always liked giving gifts.  Still, I don't think this is going to be the best Christmas I've had in a while.  Since August, I've been misreable more times than not.  Fun is hard to come by, and when I find myself laughing it is usually at someone else's pain and misery. 

I'm trying though.  I'm trying to live life and enjoy it.  I'm trying to enjoy what I have.  But it's hard when you feel like you have nothing. 

What the fuck is wrong with AOL journals.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Sprint PCS Sucks!

I just found out that my cell phone has been out of service for three days.  Three motherfucking days!  I use my cell as my primary phone.  I do have a phone in my apartment, but I don't have an answering machine and I'm usually online all the time.  Just by random chance my friend managed to get throught this afternoon.  He told he has been trying to call me for three days. 

Those fuckers at Sprint didn't send me a text message like they are supposed too.  So I had no idea because I rarely call anyone.  Apparently John and Jennifer and some others went camping this past weekend (in my camping spot without telling my, the fucking assholes!) and our friend Logan stabbed himself in the foot with his bayonet.  He no longer has any feeling in his big toe.  I can't remember if it is the right or left. 

I called Stephanie, and she has tried calling me a couple of times too.  This really sucks big asshole.  I hate missing calls.   It really fucking sucks.  Now I feel like I've been stranded on a desert isle for three days and have to try and catch up with my life.  Bastards. 

Someone could have come by my work, or my apartment.  Assholes. 

I slept through my class today, because of the leak I was too tired to go.  Now I don't know what I made on my last exam.  And now I'm hungry, and I had to put a big balance on my new visa because my debit card wasn't charged last month for my bill.  I don't know what that means, but my bank should have contacted me weeks ago if I was overdrawn, so I think it was some SNAFU by Sprint.  I am so fucking angry right now it is not even funny. 


There is a leak in my ceiling right between my kitchen and living room  It's dripping into a metal mixing bowl and is annoying as hell.  I am waiting for the maintainence man to come and fix it.  I hate this shit.  It's always something with this place. 

Oh, and the Alabama legislature took it upon themselves to fuck up my birthday plans.  There is now no topless dancing in Alabama.  Bastards.  All I wanted was to get trashed Thursday night and then go see some strippers Friday night (Dec. 15th and 16th).  All I wanted was to drink some alcohol legally and see some topless women, maybe get a lap dance.  Fuckers. 

I suppose, if I managed to scrape the money together, I could get some private strippers to come to my apartment.  I'd thought of doing that, but I didn't really have the money.  They get all the way naked too....

I need a rich friend, or uncle.  I could take a little trip to Atlanta.  They have some nice places there, I hear. 

Maybe things will change in a month.  Maybe I'll find something else to do.  Hell, maybe I'll have a girlfriend who doesn't want me looking at strippers (she'll have to get over it...or convince me she's all the stripper I need!). 

Okay, I'm going to nap on my couch.  Maybe I won't be dead asleep before this dick shows up.

Robert's Picks

I am reading:  How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, A Cautionary Tale by Jenna Jameson (good)

I am listening to:  The Wall by Pink Floyd (excellant)

                          The Chronic 2001 by Dr. Dre  (excellant)

                          Blow: the motion picture soundtrack (good)

My dvd pick of the week:  I, Robot (excellant)

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Random Dare

I dare myself to try and get the phone number of every attractive girl who is by herself and not wearing a wedding/engagement/promise ring tonight.

I wonder if I'll even remember to do it after I get my three hours of

Should have went to that whorehouse with my cousin Noah.  Hell, he was offering to pay my way.  Why would I pass up a perfectly good opportunity.  Oh, I remember.  Cheryl.  Girl never had a clue I had feelings for her.  Oh hell, she loved Andy and was happy with him.  I couldn't fuck that up.  I wonder if they ever got married?

Oh, I've been thinking...

I've been thinking about getting a tattoo for a while now.  I've seen things I like, but I always make myself wait before actually going to do it.  That way I don't do something stupid that I won't like a week later.  I think that is a good plan.  Anyway...

I've discarded a number of ideas.  Two are still possibilities but I'm not sure. 

But I had another one yesterday.  Armor.

I'm always talking about being a Knight, so why not get a little armor?  I'm not sure how I would do it, but I think I would start with some kind of plate armor design on my upper arm/s.  I'm not sure yet.  I'd need to talk to a tattoo artist to see what he/she thinks of my idea.  But I kind of like it.  It resonates with me more than anything else I've thought of so far.

I suffer from SII

Ya know?  I really love this song.  And I hate it.  It hurts and feels good at the same time.  It's like sex with biting, scratching, and hair pulling.  How's that for a metaphor?

Oh, right.  You're wondering what SII is, right?  Self Imposed Insomnia.  I know I should be sleeping.  I know I could sleep.  But I don't want to.  I'll pay for it tonight.  And tomorrow.  But then I'll be off and I can sleep for twelve hours Tuesday night.  So it'll be okay.

I'm going to see the new Harry Potter movie Wednesday night.  At least I think I am.  If that's the night it's coming out.  If not, I obviously can't. 

What I don't know is if I'll be seeing it alone or not.  I don't know.  Alone would be kind of depressing, but not enough for me to miss it.  But things are weird with my friends and always will be from now on.  That sucks.  But you know what?  Fuck them.  They did it, not me.  I'm sick of feeling guilty about it.

I just bought the Novel and Short Story Writer's Market 2006.  I've been meaning to pick one up for a while.  Now I will have one in about a week.  I love 

I'm feeling a little crazy right about now.  I'm sure you can tell. 

Book Review: "On Writing"

I just finished reading Stephen King's On Writing, a Memoir of the Craft for the second time.  I've skimmed quite a few books on writing, and I've taken creative writing and read the textbooks, but to be honest they all sucked.  Except for this one.  Why?

First, it is written by one of the most successful writers out there.  Second, he has a talent for cutting out all the bullshit.  This book has everything you really need in just under three hundred pages.  And it is a quick three hundred at that.  He discusses everything from adverbs (he hates them, and explains why) to how you should submit a story for publication (presentation is everything!).  If you need to know it, it's here or he tells you where to find it. 

A lot of the book is also a memoir.  He talks about his life from very early on in little flashes that give you an idea of how he grew and developed as a man and a writer.  He discusses everything from his first published story to his alcoholism and drug addiction.  He also discusses the accident which nearly killed him in 1999 and how writing allowed him to enjoy living again.

Any Stephen King fan should read this.  If you need to, skip over the writing stuff and just read the memoir part (it's worth it!).  Any writer of any fiction genre should also read this.  I would not call myself a Stephen King fan by any stretch, but he knows his stuff.  He doesn't gear the book toward his main genre, horror, but to fiction writing in general.

I liked this book, and there is a lot in there.  Some of it I had remembered, but a lot I had forgotten.  I plan on keeping it close to hand from now on and I've also marked certain sections which I think are important to me.  I suggest anyone who has an extra eight bucks lying around should pick this book up.  I don't think you will regret it.

Just a final note:  I avoided reading anything by Stephen King and J. K. Rowling for years because I believed they were 'fad' writers and people only read their books because it was the 'in' thing to do.  I regret that now.  I've done it many times with many authors, but these two stand out as the ones I was most mistaken about. 

Work sucks sucks sucks

I really am growing to the point where I may just say to hell with it and quit my job on the spot.  There is far too much bullshit there for me to put up with it for much longer.  The problem, of course, is me.

I like to do things the right way.  Everyone else likes to do things the easiest way possible. 

My boss has got on this kick of trying to make me smile.  "Smile, Robert," he says every time I see him.  I tell him in all honesty that I have nothing to smile about.  And besides that, I am not a smiler.  Even when I do smile, I sometimes get asked why I'm glaring.  It's just not me to smile all the time.  I smile rarely, if at all.  If I'm smiling a lot I am usually really enjoying myself or thinking of killing someone (in which case that smile never reaches my eyes). 

My boss started his smile thing today after pissing me off.  I was frustrated, tired, and sore and he told me I was going to have to do more work that I shouldn't have had to do because our truck was late.  He started his smile shit and I almost hit him.  I came so close to breaking his fucking jaw.  A simple, swift upper-cut would have done the job nicely.  Not to have mentioned wiped the shit eating grin off of his face.  The fucker tells me I'm going to have to break my back when I shouldn't have too and then smiles about it.  Fucking prick, I almost killed him

Normally, I like the guy.  Any other manager and I would have said, "Fuck you and goodbye."  Any other manager and I might very well be resting my ass in a jail cell right now, or worse.  But this is getting to be too much, and I told him so.  I have got to get another job soon.  If I hold out a couple more months I can get another job and take a paid vacation right before I quite.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Review of "Returner"

From the back cover:  "Eighty years in the future, time is running out for mankind.  The only hope rests with a brave time traveler who must return to the past to change history...and alter Earth's destiny.

2084.  After decades of intense fighting, an alien invasion force is close to destroying what's left of the world.  In a last-ditch effort to save the human race, a guerilla fighter named Milly leaps into a waiting Time Shifter (to October 2002).  With the Alien Wars set to begin in 72 hours, she tricks Miyamoto, skilled martial arts expert and gunman, into joining her cause.  Together the two launch an all-out assualt on the local crime lord who's holding a captured spaceship - and imprisoned its extraterrestrial pilot.  Now the Returner and her partner must free the captive alien before warships begin to attack the planet in this sci-fi thriller packed with dazzling special effects and blazing martial arts actions."

This was a pretty good scifi movie.  I enjoyed it, and don't regret buying it.  My only real complaint is that it should have been edited down a little more...or there should have been more action scenes to keep up the necessary fast pace for this sort of movie.  As it was, at times it seemed to drag on. 

The special effects were excellant, although the gun handling was a little too unrealistic for my taste.  There were times when no one seemed to aim as they shot, and in fact there was a lot of jerking of gun barrels that made it look kind of cheesy at times.  However, I must also add that their were some sequences in which the gun handling was excellent and steady, as it should be.

The acting seemed good, although it felt a little anima-ish.  It fits pretty well considering the genre.  You won't like this movie if you're not a scifi fan.  I could be wrong about that, but I doubt it.  If you didn't like StarShip Troopers 2, you probably won't like this either.  It's better, but not by much.  It is low-budget scifi at it's best, but still low budget.  I used to hate the stuff until computers started doing wonders for the effects.

Anyway, I give it a thumbs up.  I know I'll watch it again sometime.  I liked the hero.  That's important.  You'll put up with a lot of shit if you like the hero  (it was the only reason I put up with the way over-animated effects in The Matrix: Reloaded).

Also, it borrows a lot of ideas from some better known scifi movies such as The Terminator and The Matrix, but all this stuff works well.  I kind of liked that, and I think I would like to see some more of these ideas blended together.  The Japanese are probably the only film makers who can get away with it without being called unoriginal.  It seems Japan has a tradition of taking America's ideas (think electronics!) and running with them.  Some times they go overboard, but they do seem to put out some cool stuff.

Damn it

I've written two entries, and then deleted them.  I know what I want to say, just not how I want to say it.  It never seems quite right.  I feel like I've been through a meat grinder, mentally and physically.  I hate when this happens.  Maybe it's just better if I keep my mouth shut all together for a while.  I might try that.

I am so confused right now

I am so confused right now.  I don't really know what is what anymore.  I have had to look at a situation and know what the right thing to do is, and yet know that I would do the wrong thing.  I think.

But then I remember something.  And it all becomes clear.  Suddenly I'm not so confused anymore.  No, I wouldn't do that wrong thing, not if I took the time to really think about it. 

I wouldn't act.  Oh, I'd desire too, but I wouldn't act.  I would become that which I hate if I did. 

I don't really know what this says of me.  It seems like it makes me both compassionate and  unforgiving at the same time.

I can't forgive someone who hurt me, and yet I can understand the motivation behind that.  I can almost see myself doing the same thing.  Almost.  So close.  So very, very close. 

It would appear that the darkside of the human soul is very seductive indeed.  


Or maybe this is just all craziness from some asshole at two in the morning.  Could be.  But I am what I am.  Whatever that may be. 

I'll judge when an issue effects me personally.  When it doesn't, I'll avoid making any judgement because that is the easiest thing to do.  It may not necessarily be the right thing to do, but I can only handle be so cold, so hard and unrelenting.  Sometimes you have to show a little compassion. 

Friday, November 11, 2005

Fuck me running...

Shit fuck motherfucking uncle of a red assed baboon.  That's about how I feel right now?  Go figure.

We've all got problems, right?  Every.  Damned.  One.  Of.  Us.

Nobody's life is perfect.  I've never been naive enough to actually believe that anyone had a perfect life.  But I'll be damned if we don't chase that perfection.  We always do. Always.  We are always trying to make things work out when they just won't, trying to keep too many balls in the air when we know damned well we can't juggle for shit.

So what's your point, Robert?

I don't have one.  I guess...I guess I'm just saying, "fuck it."  Maybe we should all just chase our desires and wants as they come.  Plato's paradox of happiness states that we are willing to sacrifice short term pleasures for long term happiness.  But what happens when that long term happiness turns out to be not so great?

You've go to risk to try and get what you want.  I kow this.  I've risked, and I've been burned pretty badly I think.  A few times I've never mentioned and never will.  Sometimes I'm stupid. Sometimes I'm blind.  Sometimes I'm just plain stubborn.  I've got nothing to guide me in life but my own intuition, because frankly I don't really trust anyone else. 

Maybe I'm a fool.  I've never been one for playing the game by other peoples' rules.  I follow my own, and I pay for that every single day.  But would I do things differently? 

Nope.  I am who I am.  I'm not going to change.  For anyone or anything.  Hell, I couldn't if I wanted too.

Review of "The Devil's Rejects"

This is, I believe, the second film by Rob Zombie.  I could never make it through the first, so we won't go there, but this one I liked. 

The story revolves around a family of serial killers who are being hunted down by an obsessed sheriff.  There is a LOT of blood in this movie.  The family of killers is nuts, but you find yourself (or at least I did) rooting for them in a sick sort of way.  I enjoyed crossing that threshold of wanting the bad guys to get away.

There are some scenes that are creatively lifted from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  I say creatvie, because they were obviously down to remind you of those scenes in a nostalgic kind of way while also playing with them a bit and giving you what you may have really wanted to happen if all you were interested in was blood and guts. 

A very bloody movie, but at the same time very good.  It has one of the best soundtracks I have ever heard, although all the songs are vintage hits (the movie takes place in the early seventies). 

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Review of "The Crime of Padre Amaro"

Okay, this movie sucked.  I already knew that Catholics were very Machiavellian.  Their Church is centered in Italy, remember?  Now, I don't really have anything against the Catholic Church.  I grew up in a family full of Catholics.  In fact, if I had actually picked a Christian church it would have been a Roman Catholic Church. 

Anyway, the only thing I am going to say about this movie is that the Padre's greatest crime in not lust, as you would assume, or fornication, as you might also assume.  It's murder.  He doesn't commit it, but he is the cause of it. 

This movie is all about various RC priests, not just Amaro, living with an 'ends justifies the means' mentality.  We also learn that Amaro has only taken a vow of celibacy because he was forced too.  This doesn't really matter, but to laymen it will seem profound.

To be celibate means not to marry.  To be chaste means not to have sex.  Amaro never intended to marry the girl he was screwing, so his celibacy was not at risk.  A lot of people don't realize this distinction.  The vow of celibacy was created in order to keep bishops and other ranking church members from setting up dynasties by fathering legitimate sons.  This allowed the secular authorties to appoint bishops and what not in ancient times and control the church.

There, a movie and a history lesson.

Wednesday, November 9, 2005

You know...I could do that.

Believe it or not, I actually own dvd's that I have never watched.  I bought them, with every intention of watching them, but never did it.  The biggest reason is that they are foreign films, and not in English.  I don't mind subtitles, but it requires a little more effort than watching a movie in your native language.

But, since I have nothing to do, I am going to watch at least one of those tonight, and maybe two.  The first is The Crime of Padre Amaro, and it is in Spanish, but with an English track.  Normally I hate watching dubbed movies, but I am going to make an exception this time, at least.

The other movie I might watch is a Japanese SciFi movie call The Returner.  It only has English subtitles, but it might actually be the better of the two movies.  I guess we'll see.  I might write an entry later about them.

I hate the movie industry sometimes...

I really hate it when all I want to do is go a see a movie and nothing I want to see is in the theaters I go to.  I have two that I go to.  They are nice places and I like them.  I don't go to any of the (many) others for a number of reasons.  I either don't like the atmosphere, I don't like the area, or the theater just sucks all around.  But the two I do go to usually have pretty good coverage, and they do now.  It's just that nothing is playing in them that I want to see.  And that sucks.

I guess I'll just have to wait until next week.  That sucks too.  Damn it.  I hate waiting.  In the meantime, I have a lot of reading to do.

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

2,000 Words

Two thousand words is about the same as ten double spaced, typed pages.  That is my goal in writing.  Two Thousand Words. 

Every.  Single.  Day.

I know I can do it.  I've almost done it today, and it actually went quickly.  I tried this before, but I messed up too.  I thrive under pressure.  If I start to slack off, I start to screw up.  That's just the way I am.  So no slacking this time. 

Last time my goal was one thousand words everyday, except Sunday, which I picked to be my off day for no reason other than I didn't feel like working one Sunday.  I'm not doing that this time.  I'll just have to make the time for my two thousand words. 

If I do that, I can have a nice sized novel finished by January.  Then I'll put it away for a while (maybe six months), and then I'll pull it out and revise, revise, revise.  Then I'll either look for a publisher or I'll put it away again.  I also mean to keep pumping out short stories.  I think I should push for one a week.  So one to two days a week should be devoted to short story writing. 

And I've got a lot of reading to do too.  This would be overwhelming if it wasn't for the fact that I love it.  See, here is a little secret most writers never mention to anyone:  when we write, we become Gods.  We are all powerful and all knowing in the realities we create. 

Now that's a thrill, if you ask me.

Robert's Picks (I ripped this off from Stephen King's webite)

Stephen King has a place on his website where he tells what he is reading that week, along with what he is watching on tv, what movies he's seen, and what music he is listening too.  I like the idea, and I've decided that I'm going to try and do the same thing every Monday.  I think I may also start doing reviews of the books I'm reading.

So, here goes....

I am reading:  On Writing by Stephen King (excellant)

                     Knife of Dreams by Robert Jordan (excellant so far)

                     A Knight in Shining Armor by Jude Deveraux (excruciating so far)

I am listening to:  Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung (good)

                          The Eminem Show by Eminem (excellant)

My dvd pick for this week:  Star Wars Episode III:  Revenge of the Sith (excellant)

Well, that explains a lot...

I'm on this college internet thing called facebook.  It connects college students all over the country blah blah blah.  Anyway, I've been getting in touch with some of my old high school friends through it.  The ones who went to college, anyway.

I got online and saw that a guy I knew, call him Kyle, had listed me as a friend.  I confirmed the listing and then went and viewed his profile to see what he has been up too.  We had not been close friends in high school, but we were friends.  He was the only other guy on our senior cruise (that was interesting).  Anyway, I haven't heard from or seen him in a while.

So, I'm cruising his profile and I find out...he's gay.  That was kind of a shocker.  I seem to remember on the cruise he was watching the girls as much as I was.  And while he always seemed a little sweet, I never really thought he was gay.  Just didn't occur to me.  I mean, he was seeing this girl at the time of the cruise. 

Now, unless this is all some big joke (could be, but I doubt it) Kyle's made some changes in life.  Which is cool.  It doesn't bother me or anything.  Hell, I'm proud of him.  You've got to be true to yourself.  I've always believed that.

Well, you learn something new every day.   

Monday, November 7, 2005

It was a nice idea...

I was planning on re-reading Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time books before moving on to the next one.  But I just don't have the time for that.  I'm going to read a synopsis of the one that takes place right before the newest and then move on.

I have way to much to read.  I've got a shelf full of books that I need to read.  I'm going to pull some of them off, because I never will read them, and I'm going to add a few others.  I need to get back in gear.  I'm going to continue my three books a once thing:  two printed, and one e-book for school.

More on the SCA

I talked to Rob at work and he let me know a little more about the whole set up.  He is in the Shire of Brantestone.  I would put up a link, but the site is down.  He told me the Barony people are all Goober Tickets, and that I wouldn't like them.  He said they try and act all high and mighty and when it comes time for events out in the boonies they all wimp out.

I think I'd rather hook up with Rob's group.  He does not, actually, have Alabama v. LSU tickets.  What he has is a guy who know a guy...and you know how that goes.  If he doesn't get the tickets he is going to the meeting/battle practice thing.  I told him I wanted to go with him if he does.  I'm hoping the football game falls through.  And no, I don't feel the slightest bit guilty about that.  He only wants to go because it is Alabama's last home game.  It's not a big deal.

Ugh, I just spilled chicken and rice all over my computer.  Thankfully it's dry.  That could have been bad.  Usually I am not so clumsy.

Anyway, I really want to get into this SCA thing.  I think it could be really fun.  And maybe there will be girls.  There have got to be some interested in this sort of thing.  And if not, maybe I can find some, somewhere.

Sunday, November 6, 2005

"No, I am your father."

And that line is why The Empire Strikes Back ranks as my favorite of the Star Wars movies.  I try not to compare them to each other, because they are all amazing...from a certain point of view. 

Other reasons for this being my favorite are the Battle of Hoth, and Darth Vader and Luke's lightsaber duel.  And then there is the scene in the end where Darth Vader walks off of the bridge of his Super Star Destroyer after they have once again failed to capture the Falcon...and he doesn't kill anyone.  He just walks away.  The whole crew is tensed, waiting for that crushing force grip on the throat...and it doesn't come.  Darth Vader is...not angry.  He's just resigned to losing his son, and not being able to bring him over to his side.  I'd say this is the scene where we see a sad Darth Vader.  He lost his wife...and now his son.  So sad. 

Anyway, just in case you're wondering, I rank the movies like this:

1. The Empire Strikes Back

2. Attack of the Clones

3. Revenge of the Sith

4. Return of the Jedi

5. The Phantom Menace

6. A New Hope

This could be very interesting...

I said I was going to look into that Medieval Reenactment thing, right?   Well I did.   And I learned a few things.  The whole thing is sponsored by the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism).  There are many kingdoms all over the world.  The one I find myself smack dab in the middle of is the Kingdom of Meridies.  It comprises most of the South ("Meridies" translates roughly from Latin to "the South").

Specifically I am in the THE BARONY OF IRON MOUNTAIN.  It covers all of Birmingham and a lot of the surrounding areas including Fultondale (where I live) and Gardendale (where I work).  I first found out about this from a guy at work named Rob.  He is a huge man.  I mean this literally.  He must stand at least 6'5" and weigh close to 300 lbs.  I am not kidding. 

Anyway, he had some leather armor at work for his Halloween costume one day and I asked where he got it.  He said, "I made it."  I had to pester him for the rest of the night at for more details, but eventually he told me about all of this.  There is something going on November 12 that I was going to go to with him, but he got Alabama v. LSU tickets so he is not going. 

The barony has weekly meetings every Tuesday not too far from here.  I am thinking of going this week to learn some more about all this.  The website say visitors are always welcome to just drop by.  I want to talk to Rob about it first, though. 

This could be the beginning of something really fun.  I guess we'll see.  Here we go on another adventure.  Hopefully it will have a happier ending than the last....

When masturbation's lost its fun...

I've had that song stuck in my head for days.  I do like Green  Day, but enough is enough.  I am bored out of my mind though.

I was thinking about going and seeing a movie today, but nothing looks good at the theaters I go to.  I wanted to see Domino (not playing), A History of Violence (not playing anymore), or something else.  The Legend of Zorro looks good, but I'm really in the mood for something besides PG.

I think I just continue reading and watching Star Wars.  I'm on The Empire Strikes Back, and so far they flow pretty well if you take into Obi Wan's "from a certain point of view" discussion in Return of the Jedi.  The original trilogy is kind of nitty-gritty, but then if you think about it should be...I agree with Lucas on that.  Anyway, I love the movies. 

I need something to do!  Damn, I'm so sick of sitting at home.  Damn it. 

I have been looking into this medieval battle reenactment thing.  It could be fun.

Saturday, November 5, 2005

Random Confession

Many people have an escape.  It's something they use to get away from the pain they have to face in reality.  For some people it's drugs, for others it's alcohol or gambling.  Mine is a little different, and not typical.  But it is just as dangerous.  It has in the past eaten up my life just as effectively as drugs.  The only good thing about it is that it has no dangerous physical side effects.  But I've spent thousands of dollars on it and used it to isolate myself from other human beings.

My escape?  It's reading.

A nice surprise

When I opened my door to leave for work I found a box lying right outside.  I picked it up to find "Amazon" stenciled on the side of it.  My books arrived.  I hadn't been expecting until at least next week. 

Anyway, I got At All Cost by David Weber, which is the latest in his Honor Harrington series.  I also got Shadow and Claw and Sword and Citadel, the first and second half of The Book of the New Sun by Gene Wolfe.  I love David Weber's work, but I'm not too keen on Wolfe.  I thought I'd give him another shot though.


Friday, November 4, 2005

So, how was your day?

It sucked.  Not to badly, but it did.  I came home from work and finished watching Star Wars: The Phantom Menace whiled eating breakfast (I'm watching all the Star Wars movies in chronological order to see how they flow).  I read a little of Stephen King's On Writing (I'm re-reading that) and some of Robert Jordan's The Great Hunt (re-reading that, also).  Then I went to sleep.

And I literally slept all day.  I wish I could sleep some more.  That would be divine.  It wasn't the most restful sleep.  It got hot during the day and that caused me to have some weird dreams along with a lot of physical discomfort.  I went to sleep wearing sweat pants and a long sleeved shirt.  I woke up this afternoon soaked with sweat.  I think I lost three pounds in water weight. 

I'm about to eat dinner.  What does the great cook have planned for tonight?  A couple of chicken nugget tv dinners.  I really need to get into the habit of cooking some good food again.  This shit will kill you.  Although, I have to admit, I seem to still be losing weight easily.  That's good.

Thursday, November 3, 2005

Random Thought (I really like this concept, Ave)

How arrogant must I seem.  I write entry upon entry in this journal expecting people to read it.  It's not arrogance, really. You see, I'm reaching out in the only way I can.  It's less risky here.  But it's also not enough.  Less risk means less gain.  I can't live through an online journal.  I need to get out....

Who else is afraid of being alone?

I really do fear being alone.  I don't want to be alone.  I don't want to be left out.  But I feel that way.  Especially right now.  I feel like I'm the only person in the world.  It's so quiet.  There is noise, my jeans in the dryer, someone walking back and forth upstairs, but there are no real human sounds.  No voices, no laughter.  It's nerve wracking.

Some people find this kind of silence relaxing, but it just makes me nervous.  I want to be around people, even if I'm not talking to them or interacting with them.  I guess that's why I've always liked cities.  I never truly like to be alone.  I like to share my solitude with one person.  Just one.  That kind of solitude gives two people the chance to really concentrate on each other. 

Damn, I think I am going to try and get a few hours of sleep.  Maybe this feeling of unease will pass.  I hope so.  I really hate it.  I need an escape.  I've been reading a lot to take my mind off my worries and fears, and it helps, but sometimes it is just not enough.  Sometimes I just can't concentrate.

I'm tired, and lonely.  Yes, I'm very lonely.  And I have no idea what to do about it. 

Heather called me a little while ago.  She wanted to tell me she had enjoyed reading On the Road.  She said she was a little mad that I left her hanging at the end, though.  She wants more.  Well, that is the point, after all.  Always leave them wanting more.  I think I am going to follow up with a 'what happens next' story, and maybe just keep building on that story by story. 

I'm glad she liked it, anyway.  Maybe the editor at Blackgate will too.  That would be nice.  In the meantime, I'll just keep on doing what I'm doing.

And they're off!

I missed my archaeology class today because I needed to go to the bank, and then to the post office.  So my stories are on their way.  Now all there is to do it wait.  Waiting...I hate it.  It seems I'm always waiting for something.  Why can't things be in the hear and now?

Anyway, I also gave Heather a copy of On the Road to read.  I hope she likes it.

Here we go...

I'm about to go to bed, but before I do I thought I'd share the fact that I've got two of my stories ready to submit for publication.  I'm hoping that one of them might get picked, but considering the market and my experience, it is doubtful.  Still, I've got to try.  And who knows, I might get some helpful tips from the professionals.  Or maybe not.  It doesn't matter.  Even Stephen King racked up a huge stack of rejection slips before he got published.  I've got one so far.  So I've got a ways to go. 

Anyway, the stories are sitting on my table in evelopes with cover letters and SASE included.  It could be two months before I hear anything, although I heard back pretty quickly from Realms of Fantasy (I recently picked up a new issue, and one of the stories is just what I like and try to write, so I'm not giving up there).  But they might not even have read my story.  I was a little rude without realizing it.  I've remedied that though.  So we'll see what happens.  I'm sending the story I call On the Road to Blackgate Press, a magazine which ask for action oriented stories.  I'm sending another, Satisfaction, to Fantasy and Science Fiction.  I don't know what they like.  I've read the magazine, but the stuff seems only to be vaguely fantasy or SciFi for a magazine that calls itself just that.  Hell, I might even send it to Realms again 

I'm planning on writing two or three more while these are out.  I don't guarantee anything, but I'm going to try.  I might just write one while in class tomorrow.  I'm thinking of doing one that is magic free fantasy, or one in which the main character/s is/are not magic using.  I also have an idea for another in which wizards are kind of like gunslingers in the Old West, call it The Spellslinger.   

Wish me luck.

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

It wasn't so bad...

The test was not near as bad as I was thinking it would be.  It was not that easy either.  I'm not sure how I did.  On the first part, which was multiple choice type stuff I think I did fine, but on the essay part I'm not so sure.  There were two essays and I answered the first one pretty thoroughly, but I didn't like what the second was implying so I basically wrote an essay saying why asking the question was kind of a moot point.  I hope he likes my different approach.

Time will tell.

I still don't know what I'm going to do tonight.  I've been thinking of going to the mall.  I have not been in a while.  I don't like doing things alone, but why the fuck not?  I don't have anything better to do and I can't meet knew people sitting on my ass.  I might not meet anyone tonight, but I'm at least increasing my chances. 

I'm also planning on going to WalMart to pick up my check tonight.  I have a stack of bills I need to pay.  But don't we all?  I can so not wait until I am an established attorney.  I can have a house, a car, (a family?) and hopefully not have to worry about it all. 

So-so day so far...

Today has been so-so so far.  I woke up around nine-thirty and watched some tv.  I also did a little shopping on (thanks J!).  I just picked up a couple of books, but I've wanted to get them for a while, so it all worked out quite nice.  I wanted to get this dvd that come out, but I can only pre-order it, and that's just a waste of time.  It will cost just as much if I buy it in January.

Not long after that Stephanie called me.  She was at work and bored out of her mind.  Her job involves mostly a lot of sitting and doing nothing.  Occassionally she has to fit someone for a mask to prevent transmission of TB, etc. (she works at UAB hospital). 

Anyway, she was bored and called me.  We talked for a few minutes and I decided to go hang out with her.  I also took her lunch.  She has the bad habit of skipping breakfast.  I'd just ate, or I would have got something too.  And I just remembered she forgot to give me money for her lunch.  I'll get it out of her later.

I kicked back with her until two, when she got off.  We basically just chatted and looked at stuff online.  She found one of her old high school crushes/friends on facebook and was talking to him a little.  He's in Dallas right now, and I told her she should ask him if he wanted to get together when she goes to visit some family for the holidays.  She said that wouldn't be appropriate since he is in a relationship.  I pointed out that she was too, and they were just friends.  She said his girlfriend probably wouldn't approve.  Seems weird to me.  I'd want to see her if I hadn't in four years.  But oh, well.  Not my problem.

Now I'm sitting in a classroom waiting to take my U.S. history exam.  I've got about ten minutes.  I've studied a pretty good bit, and it shouldn't be too hard, but I don't know.  I guess we'll see soon.  This is all so fun . 

Tomorrow I have to go to all of my classes.  I need too, and I kind of have/want to.  I want to go to archaeology to see Heather and to find out how I did on a quiz we took, I have a paper due in World History, and I need to go to philosophy because I am already behind (I think I failed the test we had yesterday) plus Stephanie should be there. 

I want to go play pool tonight, but not alone.  I think I'll call Michelle from work in alast attempt to find someone to go with.  Heather probably has to work.  Shit.  I also have to call Jenni.  She's pissed at me for something I said while I was drunk.  Stupid me.

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

Answers for J's contest

1.  To be honest, I've heard nothing about this.  But I kind of like the idea.  It seems like it would be more fair than the system we have now.  I don't really know, though.  Whether I actually supported it or not would depend on a lot factors, like how and when and what for and how much the sales tax could be raised.  It would be a big change, and because of that it makes me a little nervous, but change isn't a bad thing, usually.  But I'd still be paying state and local income tax, so that would suck.  If they got rid of all income tax it would be more appealing.  I mean, I already pay sales tax locally and the state could easily tack on to that. 

2.  I've been trying to think of why it would matter what your credit score is in factoring insurance risk, but I can't really think of a good one.  I mean, if you don't pay your premium you are not covered, so that's not a worry.  Sure, you might torch your house or your car when the payments suddenly become more than the heap is worth, but I really doubt that happens often enough to worry about.  The risk is too great and investigators are pretty good.  It seems like just another way make the bottom line look a little better, but then again it might hurt their business by causing them to have less clients who will never file claims.

3.  To this one, I have to say yes.  It's much better.  The reason why is technology.  Most of the problems we have today have been faced by human societies for all of recorded history (political turmoil, crime, poverty, hunger, war, etc.).  But technology is making a lot of those things less of a problem than they were.  I like being able to connect with people all over the world using this computer, and I like having hundreds of songs to listen to on my MP3 player.  The idea of traveling in space has always been a dream of mine and we are actaully moving toward private corporations doing space tourism.  There are other reasons things are better now too.  Discrimination is dying it's slow death, but it is dying.  I'd like to think it's on its death bed.  We are at war, true, and in my opinion for stupid reasons (I favor using terrorists tactics against terrorists and their sponsor states, not conventional warfare, but that's not the issue here), but there is not a draft as there was for Korea and Vietnam.  For the most part, I think things are good.  But I also think I should mention that I think we are in a kind of social recession.  I think we are falling back on old ideologies to combat the fact that the world is changing rapidly.  I think that's dangerous, but I'm hoping it will work out in the end.  I honestly don't think at twenty, even being a history major, that I can really say whether things are better or not.  In a way they are, in a way they aren't, and in others they are the same.  Ask me a similar question in thirty years and I might have a better answer, but I doubt it.

What does a guy do when he's worked all night and has a test to study for?

He watches Star Wars Episode III:  Revenge of the Sith!

War!  The Republic is crumbling under attacks by the ruthless Sith Lord, Count Dooku.  There are heros on both sides.  Evil is everywhere.

In a stunning move, the fiendish droid leader, General Grievous, has swept into the Republic capital and kidnapped Chancellor Palpatine, leader of the Galactic Senate.

As the Seperatist Droid Army attempts to flee the besieged capital with their valuable hostage, two Jedi Knights lead a desperate mission to rescue the captive Chancellor....