Monday, April 18, 2011

No excuses.

I'm not a nice person.  I go from being a mild jerk to a complete asshole.  I generally don't like people.  I spend most of my time alone.  I interact with people all day five days a week.  Most of those encounters are polite and pleasant.  For the most part, it's all an act.  I have to be nice and polite in order to do my job.  I don't like.  It's not me.

I realize 'me' is not a pleasant person to be around.  I try to be nice to people, and I want to be nice to those people I actually like, but sometimes I just don't have the energy or the drive.  I try to stay away from people when I'm feeling like that.  I don't always succeed.  I enjoy solitude, but I hate loneliness.  That's a weakness I can't shake.

Something happened tonight that's got me thinking a lot about me, and the jerk I am.  I don't like being mean to people, but when I'm not in the best mood I can be absolutely vicious without even thinking about it. 

I could blame the way I am on a lot of things, but I won't.  I'm not going to make excuses for me being me.  I am the way I am, I don't think I can change, and I don't particularly want to.  The best you can hope for is catching me when I'm genuinely happy.  That's a rare occurrence, and I've learned to enjoy just being content. 

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