Sunday, July 12, 2009

Family Always Makes It Worse

So I get home after having a pretty good night to notice that my mother is standing in her doorway next door and her car is gone. I decide to walk over and see if everything is okay, if she had an accident, if her crazy boyfriend stole it, whatever. She's got two little boys, my cousins, living with her since their grandfather died (their parents being MIA).

So she answers the door and is obviously drunk out of her mind. I ask about the car and she says she wrecked it. It's the third car she's wrecked in a year. She doesn't even have a driver's license.

So she got very hostile, started yelling at me to mind my own business. Then she starts yelling at me telling me that I'll fuck anything and that she hopes I'll get AIDS. For the record, I've had exactly one sexual partner this year. Just one. And she introduced me to the girl.

Anyway, annoyed I point out that I'm 24 and have no kids, and then ask her how many kids she had at 24 and by how many fathers (I believe the number was 5, maybe 6).

Then she says, "You can't have kids! Your grandmother never told you that, did she!" At first, I assume it's just that much more of her bullshit, but who knows? She's told me so many conflicting stories over the years that I don't even know if I could believe her if she told me the sky was blue and grass was green.

Among her other insults is that I am "living off" my dead grandfather because I live in a 30+ year old single wide trailer that is falling apart that was his before he died. It's now 1/4 mine, along with the land it's on (land which the trailer my mother lives in is also located on).

What gets me about this is that I asked everyone's permission before I moved here, and they said it was fine. I offered to pay rent, and they declined (acted like I was crazy for offering, in fact). Oh, and to top it all off I've put a few thousand dollars worth of improvements into this piece of shit I call home, and a few thousand more into property maintainence.

But I'm the bad son. I'm the moocher. Doesn't matter that I was the first to move out, and I've worked forty+ hours a week since I moved out in 2005. Doesn't matter that while I borrowed money from time to time from my grandfather, I'm the only person who ever paid him back.

Doesn't matter that I'm the only one of my grandfather, mother, brother, and sister to have finished high school. Doesn't matter that my mother lives rent free, and survives off the welfare checks she recieves for my cousins.

All that matters is that my mother needs someone to blame for the mess she made of her life. She blamed my grandfather before he died, and she's blamed me since.

My brother Daniel is her only son that loves her, except he can't stand to be near her. My sister Mary is the only daughter who loves her, except she only puts up with her because she'll baby-sit (why she would leave my neice with that woman is beyond me, but I'll only be treated like an ass for asking).

The fact that I try do better for myself, even with all of my fuck ups and faults, is the worst possible thing I could do in my mothers eyes.

My family has caused me far more stress and pain that I deserve to have inflicted upon me.

I've tried being kind. I've tried staying away. Nothing is good enough. You can't please people when the only thing they want in the world is for you to be just as much of a piece of shit as they are so that they can say, "See, you're no better than me."

Well, Mom, sorry. I am so much better than you their isn't a scale by which it could be measured. You disgust me. It makes me physically sick to know I share half my genetic material with you.

1 comment:

jhb said...

she is your mom though. as much as she sounds like a nightmare from your description. you don't have to respect or honor who she is, but you do have to love, respect, and honor her for being your mom. easier said than done, i know. my mom is a major pain in the *ss. i keep my distance as much as possible and leave when she gets to arguing with me. works pretty well for me. figure out a strategy, stick to it and modify as needed, and you'll do fine.

j.h.