Saturday, March 28, 2009

I Just Don't Know

I'm in a kind of tight spot. I really don't know where to go from here.

There are people I'd like to be spending my time with, but for whatever reason that is not happening. Either I didn't do something I should have done, or I did do something I shouldn't have done. I don't know which, and I think the worst part is knowing that I'll never really know because asking just forces someone to acknowledge an uncomfortable situation which they would rather ignore than comfront head on.

I've hit spots like this a few times in my life. I usually just shrug and move on. But I've always wanted to figure out what went wrong. Where did I misstep. I don't like not understanding a mistake, because then I can't keep from repeating it.

Lately, the last six to eight months, I've been trying to be a nice guy. That is, trying to be the real me and leaving the sarcastic asshole at home. The result has been...mixed.

On the one hand, I like the fact that peoples' first impression of me isn't as harsh as it would have been in the past due to my course manner and brutal honestly, yet I feel like being more 'polite and tactful' isn't really having any actual benefits. Sure, I'm not the 'jerk' in social situations. But I'm still ending up home alone at night. There's no one to talk too. There's no one there to make me feel like all the bullshit in the world is worth it.

There's just me. And that should be enough. In a way, it really is. I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. But sometimes it would be nice to not feel so alone. So surrounded by fools who will all eventually give in to the group think. I'd like to know I'm not the only one using my rational to guide myself through life.

1 comment:

Dutch said...

Hi! I was attracted to the title - tumultuous. Then I started reading - you seem to be a nice and honest person. Maybe you can try looking out for your princess in a christian church. There are so many good and cool and honest people there. Always reach out and you'll seldom see yourself in a dark place, alone & lonely. Being nice is better that being harsh. Just be yourself, but don't be sarcastic please. God bless you son. Rental Property Management