Sunday, December 14, 2008

Contemplating 24

This past month has seen me a lot on the down side. I find myself ready for a lot of new things. I feel like I am stagnating, making no forward progress, but I'm hoping that things are about to begin to break loose.

I've been having a lot of bad dreams lately. Sometimes I sleep the whole night through, but then others I am up multiple times. Some nights I get only an hour or two of sleep before the dreams chase me to consciousness and I'm stuck worrying about what I see in them.

I feel like I'm waiting for the next big bolt of pain. I don't know why. Everything that could happen, has happened. I haven't had to see it yet, but that doesn't mean I don't know it to be true. I was stuck in a ball of pain, and those long numbed to it moved on past me.

I don't numb to pain. I ignore it when I can. I realize it's only temporary and try to move forward, but there are times when it is bad. Thankfully, there are more times when it doesn't even cross my mind. It usually only gets me when I'm all alone in the dead of night, when I'm doing nothing. Then it strikes.

I guess that's a good reason to stay busy, which I do for the most part.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be twenty-four years old. At eighteen I expected myself to be in law school at 24. Now I'm not even sure if I want to go to law school anymore. I don't feel the desire anymore. The thrill of it just isn't there, nor is the interest. I think I'd rather pursue philosophy. That is where my interests lie. That is where my passion lies. Early on I wanted to teach. Now I'm thinking that is what I may do.

In March I should have a hearing for a partial settlement of my grandfather's estate. Hopefully by the end of March the majority of my debt will be eliminated and I will be breathing easier. I keep saying that, and it keeps getting pushed further and further back. I'd hoped to have it done by the end of this year. But March seems to be firming up. Just three more months and I'll finally feel free of that particular burden.

Not that I didn't bring the burden on myself (I did), but I need to be rid of it.

I'll be glad when the chaos of my life settles down. I remember the last time I really felt at ease, with no worries. It was the Fall of 2006. It took me a long time to get to the Fall of 2006. Two years, a lot of pain, and loneliness before I learned to live my life again. I think it won't take quite that long this time. I know what my goal is now. I don't have to rediscover how to live again, I just have to start doing it again.

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