Saturday, October 11, 2008

I've been in a very bad mood the last couple of days. I can't really explain it. Things just aren't quite working out the way I need them to in order to be in a good mood. I feel like I need to make some serious changes in my life, but I don't really know where to begin or how.

I'll be getting most of my debt paid off in the next four or five months (with any luck) and that will certainly make life a little easier. I'm going to be able to put some money into savings and live comfortably, I hope. I should also (with a little luck) be back in school in January. I don't know it for sure, but that may help improve my overall outlook.

I spent a long time feeling like I was just treading water and getting no where in life. I was working a night job that was causing me to fall behind in school, the bills just seemed to get bigger and bigger no matter what I did to save money, and my personal life was falling apart in every way.

Every time something would happen to make me think things were looking up so that I could feel some relief and relax a little bit something would fuck that up. And honestly, usually what fucked it up was me breathing a sigh of relief and relaxing a little bit. As soon as I did relax things fell apart, leading me to believe maybe they weren't so good from the start.
Some things have improved, and I won't deny it. I've a got a new job that is great. It's working out really well so far and I'm happy with it. It's not near as stressful as my last job. So that's a good thing.

And like I mentioned, hopefully in the next few months I'll have most of my debt paid off and that will help relieve a lot of stress too. In the meantime, however, I've still got to deal with it, and I've also got to cope with the fact that it may not get paid off as soon as I want.

The thing that is bothering me the most is probably my personal life. What's new, right? I'm spending time with friends that I have not spent time with in couple of years. I like that, but the fact remains that, for me anyway, there is still some discomfort that kept me away so long in the first place.

I also feel like there are a lot of friends I have that I keep in touch with via phone, IM, etc., but who I would like to actually be doing things with and we never seem to find the time to do anything. I mean, damn, I'd love to just get lunch or see a movie or somthing. Maybe go check out a special exhibit at the museum or go for a walk in a park. But no. It never happens.

And then there is my romantic life. Ha. Who the fuck am I kidding? That's always been one of the hardest areas for me to have any success in, and that hasn't changed even today. I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing wrong. It seems like every time things are going good, it's just a sign for me to prepare for them to go bad. I'm sick of that, but I don't know what to do about it.

Anyway, in sum fucking total things kind of suck right now. There has been improvement, but, frankly, as good as that improvement is, it's not nearly been enough to overcome this giant pile of shit that is my life.

And, yeah, in most areas I can see that things are getting better and it seems like they will continue to get better. But I'm coming to realize that 'some' things being good doesn't matter. It's got to be all good. If it's not all good then it's all tainted by the bad.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not searching for perfection. I don't want a perfect job. I want a good job. And I've got it.

All I'm saying is that I want a good job, a good financial outlook, a good education (or to be on the path to one), a good all around personal life. I don't think that is too much to desire, and I don't think it's an impossible goal to want all of that. Too many fucking people I know, or know of, have it.

And no, it's NOT perfect. But it is good. And I'm feeling a little fucking left out at the moment.
So. I want to work on that. I'm trying to work on that. And I'm trying new strategies. For instance, I'm trying to feel my way through some things. I've always relied on my head, my ability to reason, but that hasn't always led me to a satisfactory conclusion/solution. Logic dictates that I try something else, and see if that works. Identify what I WANT, not simply what my reasoning tells me I NEED or SHOULD HAVE. Then I'm going to to go after those wants. I've already outlined them above.

Now I just have to figure out what is going to be the best way to go after them. Some are easy. Other's are not. And most unfortunately, some depend on other people. I hate depending on other people. But hey, I'm a human being and we are social creatures.

1 comment:

autumnsavril said...

Okay, that's cool. I'm'a switch mine over too. Call me copycat if you want to. =P

Ave