Friday, June 27, 2008

Thoughts On Love Lost

First, a conversation:

Cheryl Moore: i know what you mean, I hope that doesnt keep you from spending time w/ me
Robert Sandhurst: I don't want it too, but I've been here before and I know it won't get easier any time soon
Robert Sandhurst: I guess I just need you to understand this is very difficult for me.  There is a lot of undirected anger there on my part, and I don't know what to do with it.  My emotions are all tangled up and I can't think straight.  I'm going to have my ups and downs.  And I'm never going to find it easy to walk away from you. 
Cheryl Moore: dont take it the wrong way. but part of me wants to give you a reason to walk away. i do love you and it brings me down knowing what i do to you. i know its a fucking roller coaster. its not fair.
Robert Sandhurst: I still don't really understand what you want from me Cheryl.  And when I do, I'm not sure I'll be able to give it too you. 
Cheryl Moore: i want your love, support, acceptance, understanding
Robert Sandhurst: You'll always have my love.  I'll give you my support as long as my strength holds out.  Acceptance may come with time...I can't promise anything.  I don't think I'll ever understand.
Cheryl Moore: i want to hug  you again
Robert Sandhurst: Thanks.  I wish you could. 
Cheryl Moore: i think im going to bed
Cheryl Moore: again, im glad you spent some time w/ me. good seeing you.
Robert Sandhurst: Yeah, it was good seeing you too.  Good night.

"Robert Sandhurst" is an alias I use to sign up for free email and what not online so I don't have to use my real last name.  Anyway. 

They say time heals all wounds.  I disagree, though in this case I think it will.  But nothing makes the scars go away.  And the more scars there are, the harder it is to feel.  That's my opinion. 

I don't understand why it is that the thing I want most, cherish most, would trade anything else for, seems to also be the thing that slips through my fingers every time I find it. 

I wonder if I've committed some great sin for which I am being punished.  I don't believe that to be the case.  But still, it would be easier to believe that.  At least that would be a reason.  Something.  It's much harder to accept that some things just don't work out, for no reason that can easily be defined.  Oh, sure, with enough study of the situation the reasons could be dredged up, but that wouldn't make it any easier.  The reasons would probably do nothing more than make you realize that the person you thought you knew only existed in your head, and was never really there in reality. 

I'm angry.  I'm bitter.  I'm sad.  I want to break things.  I want to hurt someone.  I want to cry and I want to yell. 

I find myself in serious need of comfort, with no one around to do the comforting.  I'm full of rage with no way to expel it.  I'm full of need, yearning, and wanting of some one, of some life affirming action that will let me know there is still pleasure in the world and the hope of happiness in the future.  I can't see it right now.  I'm blinded by my bitterness in a world painted black.

"Wash away my troubles,

wash away my pain,

with the rain of Shambala."

1 comment:

autumnsavril said...

Entries like these really make me wish I was good at giving comfort, but that always seems to escape me.


I was gonna ask about the name 'til you mentioned the alias thing.

There's a light at the end of that tunnel.  You just aren't far enough through recovery to see it yet.  But you will.

Meantime, you can use your friends as flashlights.  :)

Another virtual hug!  (((Robert)))