Saturday, April 21, 2007

Back to Square One

I don't know what went wrong.  Long story short is that she wanted me to make a serious commitment, and after thinking long and hard about it, I did.  Then about a month later she realized it would have to be a two way street and she wanted out.  She didn't say it like that, but it was obvious.  So I ended it, and I told her that was it.  There is no going back.  I won't be hurt, take her back, be hurt, take her back, be hurt, etc. etc. 

I like what we had.  I LOVED what we had.  It was the best relationship I've ever had.  She gave me what I wanted for as long as she could, and now it's over.  And I don't know what to do but feel like shit.  Absolute.  Total.  Shit.

It hurts, like it always will.  I did have something special for a little while, but I guess 'we' didn't have something special.  And that's what it takes.  That's what will make you stick it out and make it work.  It wasn't there for her, so there you go.

I'm going to feel very bad for a while.  I don't know how long, but I'll probably retreat back into my fortress of solitude here in cyber space like I did before. 

Maybe it won't last as long this time.  I have to admit the hurt isn't near as bad, but it's worse than I wanted to ever feel again. 

I've read that depression is rage turned inward.  That makes sense.  I'm hating myself right now for hating myself for letting myself feel for someone again.  I shouldn't feel bad for having feelings, but right now I do.  It'll pass.  In time.  It's still so sad, though.  So tragic in it's own little way. 

And I was having such a good week, too.

I'm not going to do anything stupid, so don't worry.  No drinking when depressed.  That's one rule I've learned to follow.  Walk away when you can't win.  Don't cry until she's out the door...

You know what I regret the most?  I didn't keep any kind of record of thehappy moments.  I used to write about everything that happened to me somewhere, but I stopped.  Now I don't have any record at all.  There's another lesson. 

Fuck, we never even got around to taking a picture together.  God damn that's depressing.

1 comment:

autumnsavril said...

It sucks to dwell on the happy moments so soon after breakups anyhow.  So it's good for now, but you'll have nothing to look back on later besides your memories.  I'm so sorry for you--I know things seemed to be going very well.  I was rooting for you.

Probably didn't hurt so bad because all your closest friends weren't in on it this time.  I'm still really angry about that.  =\