Saturday, April 1, 2006

So Alone

The summer after I graduated from high school I went on a cruise with 11 other people I had graduated with.  It was a really wonderful experience.  I loved it.  But there is one memory from that cruise that sticks out more than any other.

One morning while we were about halfway across the Gulf on our way to Mexico from New Orleans I woke up early.  There was almost no one out and about on the entire ship.  I went out on deck and took a seat near the railing and just looked off at the horizon.  The sky met the water, two blues clashing together, and all I could think was how alone I felt.

When you're out in the ocean away from the sight of land there is nothing but a sense of vast emptiness.  It's very lonely, and a bit frightening.  I must have sat at that railing for over and hour.  I can't deny that it was very peaceful, and a beautiful day, but I was also so very alone.  I hate that feeling of being alone.  Day after day I live in fear that that is how it's always going to be.  Even when I'm with other people it can be that way. 

It's that connection to other human beings I'm missing, be it a connection to close friends, family, or something more.   But it's not there, and that is something I just can't deal with.  I don't know how.  I just don't know what to do.  I just want to shut the entire world away.  I want to live in a dream world where I don't feel like this.

I'm stuck out in the middle of the ocean, and while it's a beautiful, peaceful day I am out there all alone with no one to share it with.  Everywhere I turn there is nothing.  Nothing. 


all4eyez said...

oh no

I know how you feel and I used to feel like that all the time when I looked at the
ocean , same way , really.

I know how you feel - I know feeling that way makes everything look hopeless and that you will never find what you are in need and search of
But I KNOW things will change , they will get better

I know its hard - But it is worth waiting for

Whatever may come to be , that is

You did not choose to be here on this earth
But you can choose to make the best of your time on it.


rampage841512 said...

I guess I'm feeling better than I did that day right now.  The past couple of days have been okay.  I went and had breakfast with my friend the this morning and laid the charm on the waitress a little bit.  It was fun, and I like doing that.  I should have asked her for her phone number.  I got all the right signals, but I didn't.  It hardly occured to me.  I felt more like I was proving a point than actually trying to accomplish something.  It's like, "I can do this any time I want, I just don't want to."  But I do want too.  I don't.  Maybe it's fear.  Maybe I'm waiting around for something.  I just don't know.

autumnsavril said...

I know this feeling better than I'd like.

Even when I'm around a lot of people I can feel like I'm with no one at all.  I feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness.  It seems like an oximoron when you think about it, but experiencing it is completely different from imagining it.

What's worse is that generally the cure for loneliness is being around people--but this feeling can come even when you're around others, so there is really no cure for it but to wait it out.

Hang in there.


rampage841512 said...

Thanks for the thoughts.

jhileb said...

ahhh..reminds of the film enemy mine...where lou gosset jr. (the alien) tells dennis quaid.....i'm paraphrasing here and badly at that as it's been a long time since i've seen this......"humans are alone since our sexes are split and we spend our lives looking for those moments where we finally bond back together."  i screwed up the quote, but the idea is close....great film if you've never seen it?

btw, wonderful writing on this entry...i was with you every step.


rampage841512 said...

I have seen that movie.  I actually have it on dvd.  And that line does ring true.