Thursday, April 27, 2006

All Good Things

My off days are Tuesday and Wednesday, and so for the past couple of days I've been feeling pretty good.  Not great, but good.  Mostly, things have not been bothering me as they were before.  But that kind of went out the window today.  I'm starting to worry again and feel depressed about having to go back to work.

I hate work, but who doesn't?  It's not like it's hard, or all that stressful anymore.  I just don't care anymore so the stress is gone.  But for some reason I feel like I'm going to the execution chamber when it's time to go back.  I don't really understand it.  Maybe there is some underlying anxiety there that I am just not seeing.  Or maybe I am seeing it.

There is, of course, something else on my mind that is bothering me that I've been pretty much ignoring until today.  I'm a little worried about being asked about Stacy by Josh and Shane, the guys I eat breakfast with on Saturdays.  And I'm nervous about Saturday morning, because that will probably be the first time I will have seen or spoken to Stacy since last week. 

I don't know what happened or went wrong, if anything did.  I'm in that state of not understanding that I fucking cannot stand.  And I really, really don't want to call her.  But right now, I feel like I just might.  Did I do something to piss her off?  Only one way to find out.  Is she suddenly not interested?  I deserve to be told that instead of just being ignored.

Is she waiting for me to call?  Is she too busy to call me?  Is she mad at me for something?  Did she realize I'm not what she thought?  Did she meet someone better?  Am I worrying about nothing?  Am I being bothered by something that should just roll off my shoulders? 

You know what?  I'm going to take a shower and shave.  Hopefully after that I will feel better.  And I might even call Stacy.  I'll probably call Stacy.  Hmmm.  I think she has clinicals today so I think I should probably call tomorrow if I do.  Just trying to be courteous.  Fuck, maybe I should just wait until Saturday?  You see, I really don't know what to do. 

I don't like this.  I don't like playing games.  I don't like being ignored.  And I don't like feeling...inadequate...not good enough.  I suffer from insecurity, I admit it.  I'm usually good at controlling it, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.  I'm not a jealous person.  I don't see the need to be.  But I still have those feelings and worries.  I just don't let them affect me if I can.  Sure, I talk about it here and let all of my worries out, but that is what this journal is for.  This is where I let down the walls.  Let you peek behind the curtain. 

I don't really know what to do.  I might just do the shrug my shoulders cause it doesn't bother me thing.  Fuck it, Shane knows it does.  But he doesn't understand it any better than me. 

You know, I feel like I did something wrong.  But I can't figure out what that is.  And if I try to go with the, "Well, maybe she's just a bitch" train of thought I feel like I'm being unfair to her because I don't know the reasons for what the fuck is going on.  See?  I'm such a nice guy I try to excuse another person's fucked up actions.  I shouldn't, but I can't help it.  I do like this girl.  But maybe she is just not worth liking.   

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