Monday, January 2, 2006


I just feel terrible.  I can't really shake this feeling of despair and fear.  Fear is a big part of it.  I don't know what happens now.  One of my biggest fears is being alone.  I don't want to always be alone.  It's scary.  I feel better when I'm out among people.  I like sunlight and crowds.  I went to WalMart to get something to cook for dinner and I was almost to afraid to walk outside again.  Being in my car driving is the worst, especially when it's dark.  You feel like you are completely alone in the world.

I'm going to have to get out more often.  I'm going to have to go places and do things.  I'm just not sure what.  I think I'm going to try and go hang out at this local sports bar tomorrow night.   I don't think I'll be drinking.  That would be a mistake.  But they have pool tables, and I might know some of the people there.  Maybe I can find someone to go with me. 

I'm going to try and find someone to go see some movies with me.  Someone who will have dinner with me once in a while.  I don't know who, but I need to find someone.  Just a friend, or something more.  More would be better, but I just want someone around so I don't have to be alone.  Someone I can trust. 

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