Sunday, January 8, 2006

Tossin' and Turnin'

I guess "grumpy" would be a better word for my mood. 

I went and did some target practice today with my .45 after I got off work.  It was nice to finally get out and do it.  It's been such a long time.  But my aim hasn't suffered.  I think the dry firing I do at home home is helping.  I'm no marksmen, but I'll hit someone right in the numbers if I have too, no problem. 

After I got home I cleaned my gun and then did a little writing in my pen and paper journal.  I've been trying to to write in it regularly.  After this whole thing with Stephanie went down I couldn't bring myself to write in it.  I've always viewed it as something I'll leave behind when I'm gone, and that was probably my most humiliating and painful experience.  Still is, to be honest.  Will be for a long time, I think.

Anyway, after I finally got to bed I spent hours tossing and turning.  It sucked.  Now I'm up, and I don't feel so hot.  I'm tired and cranky.  I had a bad night at work last night, and tonight won't be much better.  On top of that, I've got my first day of class tomorrow.  I can't say I'm particularly looking forward to it. 

As a matter of fact, I just made a decision.  I'm not taking.  I'm going to UAB tomorrow to drop it.  I'm too fucked up to concentrate on school right now.  I'll get back to it either this summer if I get some money, or this fall. 

Another thing I think deserves mention.  I think I'm going to have to forgive John a lot.  Not what happened New Years, but a lot of his distraction.  I didn't really see it, because of my own problems, but he is having a really hard time.  He's worried about his marriage.  He loves Jennifer a lot, but she has gotten them into a horrible financial situation.  She's had credit cards he didn't even know about and she basically stopped paying there credit card bills.   It's got him pissed on the one hand, and wondering if he can really make a future with her on the other. 

I have to admit, I'm a little worried about him.  He's getting that same look and feeling I've got, like he is completely lost and not sure what to do.  I don't know what's going to happen, but I admit I'm worried.  We've been friends for a long time, so we'll see.  I don't know myself.  I'm still going to do my damnedest to meet some other people all around.  It's better that way, if I branch out like that.

Okay, I'm having second thoughts about the school thing already.  I'm going to have to sit through a class or two before I decide.  So I'll go this week, and if it seems worth it, I'll keep going. 

Nothing is ever easy.

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