Thursday, January 5, 2006

Ever been afraid to go to sleep?

I have.  I get that way a lot, sometimes.  Sleep is a bit of an escape for me.  If I can fall into a deep sleep I can forget.  But in the end, I always wake up.  And I always feel the same thing when I do.  It's like everything comes rushing back in, and it starts all over again. 

Ever wake up from a nightmare with that feeling of relief once you realize everything is okay?  Imagine that, but in reverse.  You wake up and realize that reality is your nightmare.  Have I talked about this before?  I can't really remember.  I know I've been thinking about it a lot. 

And some times sleep is no escape either.  Sometimes my dreams reflect my reality, or are even worse.  Sometimes the feeling of absolute wrongness I'm constantly carrying around with me when I'm awake is there when I'm sleeping too.  I don't like it.  Not one bit. 

I just want to forget everything.  It just hurts so damned much some times.  Why does it have to be this way?  I've never understood that.  For most of my life, I've been alone, on my own.  I've never liked it.  But it's been that way anyway.  Every time I reach out to other people I either screw it up or get hurt somehow.  I'm so tired of that. 

And I'm just tired in general right now.  But it doesn't matter.  I'll be tired when I wake up too.  I almost always am.  Rare is it that I wake up feeling refreshed.  And I never seem to wake up feeling like I am going to have a good day. 

I'm going to try and get some sleep soon.  Later today I want to go to Sears.  I'm going to be looking for some wooden hangers to stream line my closet, and I also need some more towels.  After all the leaks I've had, I only have three left in good condition.  That may seem like enough for one guy, but you can never have enough clean towels. 

Maybe I'll walk around the mall a bit, and see if anyone catches my interest.  It never seems to happen, but who knows? 


autumnsavril said...

Only time I was ever really afraid to go to sleep is right after I saw The Ring.  Man, that movie had me doing somersaults in my mind for almost a week.

And actually, I'm not sure I was afraid to go to sleep, really.  It was more that I was too afraid TO sleep.  Does that make sense?

I will never, ever watch that movie again.


rampage841512 said...

Yeah, that makes sense.  My fear was more  a fear of the inevitable than anything else.  It wasn't real terror or anything.  And I actaully slept good, and waking up hasn't been too bad.  That's the benefit of sleeping on your couch so you can turn on the tv as soon as you wake up.