Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I am losing my mind...

I really do think I am going nuts.  I just feel like I'm losing my grip on sanity.  One minute I look at my life and I feel so depressed, and I feel the undeniable urge to press on for something better...and then I look again and I can't help laughing hysterically.  From a far enough vantage point the absurdity of it all is quite funny.  And then it's not, not really. 

I keep asking myself why people are so stupid.  I've been forced to accept what is, and to somehow deal with it, whether I like it or not.  But no one else wants to do that.  Sometimes I think it's because they are just fucking stupid.  But I try to be fair to them and maybe it's just that they don't look at things the same way I do. 

But in the end, I think they are just kidding themselves.  They don't want to admit that things are the way they are, and that's that.  Some things you can't change.  Sometimes a situation just sucks.  That's life.  I don't like it, not one little bit, but I deal with it.  I don't really know how I do it.  I just do, because I don't have any other choice. 

I wish I didn't have to.  I wish I could escape into some other world or some sort of forgetfulness, but there isn't anything that can do that for me.  Not even severe head trauma.  Hell, when I should be worrying about myself I find myself most concerned for others.  At least those people, or to be completely honest 'that person,' seems to be worth it.  I don't know why.  I don't even think she does.  I sincerely doubt she sees herself the way I see her. 

But hey, I don't see myself the way a lot of people do either. 

Anyway, there is the deep seated certainty inside me that there is a reason for the way things are.  There is always a reason.  Maybe I just want to believe that, or need to believe it.  There is only one thing I know for sure, and it doesn't help me at all.  It's something completely subjective, with no possibility of objective analysis or validation.  I just know it, 'balls to bones' as the saying goes.  But what does it mean?  Why is it that this thing should be? 

There must be some reason.


autumnsavril said...

What brought all this on today?  Seems like something triggered this train of thought.


rampage841512 said...

My utter contempt for life and the way things are goings.  I just want to smash things.  Instead, I think I'll just watch Fight Club.