Friday, November 25, 2005

A Painful Truth

I'm a little drunk.  I admit it.  Fuck you.  It isn't early to me...hell, it's way past my bedtime.

"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

I don't know who said that.  I've always hated that saying, though.  The reason used to be that I thought it was bullshit.  Well, Stephanie has taught me that it is not bullshit.  It is true.  It's fucked up, and more painful than anything I can possibly imagine (and I've had third degree burns) but it's true.

I wouldn't give up what I feel for Stephanie.  I never will.  I may bury it.  One day.  But I'll never give it up.  And if I could do it all over again I wouldn't make myself not feel if I had that choice.  Loving her is sweet.  I guess truly loving anyone is.  That's not a bad thing, and it should be cherished.  I can still smile about it.  It still puts that stupid grin on my face.  It feels so good to love her. 

It's her not loving me that hurts.  True love is dangerous.  I'm glad that I've survived it so far.  It puts you in a state of euphoria.  I can't imagine what it would be like to know she felt this for me too.  The possibilities are mind blowing. 

God, I love her so much.  I wish....I wish I wish I wish.  I wish so much I could cry.  It hurts, it feels good.   But the hurt is there more than the good.  It's only when I think of Jeremy with her that the hurt comes, though.  Then feelings of betrayal and anger intrude.

Fuck it.  I love you, Stephanie, even though I know you're not reading this.  I hate you Jeremy, and it's possible that if you had the mind to you could be reading this.  Well, if you are:  Fuck you, you fucking traitor!  I hope you fucking die screaming!  And I hope I'm there to see it!

Well, th-that's all folks!


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