Sunday, November 20, 2005

I'm tired as hell, but happier than I was.

The company on the above banner ad would happily dump toxic waste into the ocean to kill all the cute and cuddly marine wildlife.  You wouldn't give money to a company that would kill cute and cuddly marine wildlife, would you?

Okay, now that's out of the way.  I'm really tired right now.  I think I am going to go  crawl back into bed for a couple more hours of sleep.  I was going to play poker online tonight, but I'm just too beat.  And it is only going to get worse.

Tomorrow I don't get to sleep, and I probably won't go to class either.  First, I have to pick up John around nine tomorrow morning and take him to the doctor.  He rolled his ankle and did an ass load of damage trying to be Superman at work the other day.  Someone should tell him he only has one real leg and that he should take better care of it. 

Jennifer has to work, and Jeremy is unreliable so the duty has fallen to me.  If it wasn't me, it was going to be Stephanie.  She is still feeling sick so she and I are both glad it's me.  I talked to her a few minutes ago.  She said she feels better, but not as much as she'd like.  I'm just glad she is doing better.  I really was worried.  She said she ran a high fever for two days before they gave her something.  Anyway, I'm glad I talked to her. 

I had a bit of a realization today.  I've been watching one of my favorite movies, The Punisher, while I'm awake.  Okay, the character of Frank Castle is just like me, or I'm just like him.  Especially this past couple of months.  What I mean is the way he comes off to other people.  He seems so cold and distant, like nothing can touch him anymore, and slightly pissed off in general.  I think that is how other people have been seeing me, hence their efforts to make me smile all the damned time. 

And I've got another thing in common with that character.  That thing is drinking so that I can let go of the tight control I've always kept on myself, emotionally.  See, I never viewed Frank Castle's drinking in the movie as his way of hiding from the pain.  He'd drink more if it was.  I've always viewed it as his way of letting himself feel, forcing himself to feel.  Some people seem to go numb from drinking...not me, and not this comic book character either. 

Now, obviously I don't kill a bottle of Wild Turkey every night, but still.  I drink maybe once a month, if that, and usually only on holidays.  And I like to be alone for part of that time too.  I'd like there to be someone to help me through those moments when I finally lose control, but most of the time there isn't anyone I trust enough.  For that one person who was there for probably the worst of it, in a manner of speaking, I'm very thankful.

Okay, on to a bit of a cheerier subject.  I think I am going to work tomorrow night, even though it is my off night.  Because I also work Thanksgiving I'll be getting eight hours of double-time and eight hours of time and a half if I do that.  And that, ladies and gentleman, will be very nice.  And I could use the money too.  I also have a coupon from WalMart for an additional ten percent off, on top of my  regular discount, on any single item.  I don't know what I'll use it on, but it will probably be a Christmas present for someone.

Well, I think that about wraps it up.

Good night, and good luck.

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