Friday, October 28, 2005

Settled Accounts

I've felt kind of odd since last night.  I feel like I've settled accounts.

I put the ball in Stephanie's court as far as telling her how I feel goes.  She has the letter when and if she chooses to read it. That part's up to her.  It's not as if I'd planned on it changing anything anyway, I just felt I needed it to be known.

I went off on John last night big time.  I kind of let all of my anger for everyone out on him all at once.  It felt kind of good, and I didn't leave anything out.  I made it clear that there isn't anything that's going to make me feel better and I'm never going to be okay with the situation.  I really went off on him when he tried to reassure me that Jeremy has no intentions of hurting Stephanie.  As if the success of their relationship is really going to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I also was forced to admit to something yesterday afternoon when I was talking to Heather.  Her boyfriend is coming to visit her next month.  It's kind of an odd arrangement as they've never actually met.  All of their contact has been online via webcame, etc.  Odd, but whatever works, right?  Anyway, she is kind of nervous about the whole thing.  I joked that if it didn't work out, there was always me to fall back on.  When I said that she asked me if I could in good faith start a relationship with someone else knowing how I feel about Stephanie. 

I had to think for a minute, but the answer is that yes, I could.  I've given up on Stephanie.  I made that clear in my letter when I told her how I felt about her.  My feeling are not going to change for her, but at the same time I made myself a promise a long time ago that I wouldn't let something like this hold me back from a good opportunity.  And I won't.  I don't break my promises.  Even the one's to myself.

Those three things all happened fairly close together, and they've left me feeling a little...settled.  I don't know if it's going to last.  It may not.  It could dissappear the minute I see Stephanie and Jeremy at the party tomorrow night.  I don't really know.  I guess I'll find out.

To be honest, I do hope it doesn't go away.  I need this.  It's the only way for me to somehow deal with this.  If I can reach a point where I feel like I've done everything I can do, then I can move forward to whatis next.  I'll keep my promises and be the person I know I am.  No one can ask more from me than that.

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