Sunday, October 16, 2005

Rough Night

I had kind of a rough night last night.  Stephanie came into WalMart with John, Jennifer, and Jeremy.  She looked so beautiful.  I would have given anything to just pull her into my arms and hold her forever.  But I couldn't.  And that really hurt. 

I love her so much.  I realize that again every time I see her.  And every time I think about her.  Some times I get so mad at her over this whole thing.  And sometimes I feel so selfish.  Loving her feels so good, and it hurts so bad.  I just can't come to terms with it. 

Any time in the past when I've been in a similar situation the pain has caused me to walk away, and stay away.  Never before have I felt like the pain is worth it just to feel what I feel for her.  Just my feelings for her are keeping the pain in check, to an extent. 

I know this is crazy, and I know I'm out of my fucking mind, but all I want and all I dream about is her walking up to me and telling she made a mistake. 

It's not fair that the world should be this way.  I keep asking myself what evil thing did I do in a past life to deserve this?  What evil did I do in this life to deserve this?  And if this is "just life," then is is worth it?  I know it would be worth it if....But what kind of life is one lived on an "if"?

I don't know what to do.  I'm trying to live a life.  But I don't know if I'm really living it.  I feel like I'm just going through the motions.  Everything is just numb.  All of my emotional energy is caught up around Stephanie.  I don't feel anything about anything else unless it is somehow related back to her.

Everyday I'm reminded of what I want so desperately, and of what I don't have.  And yeah, I'm afraid I'll never have it.  All of my shallow and bland attempts to "move on, and get over it" are just that, shallow and bland.  They have no meaning. 

They say time will make it all better.  Time will bring change, and that change will be good.  But time has brought me nothing but pain and despair over and over again.  I don't even have hope anymore.  All I have is a wish.  And a wish isn't worth a damned thing and we all know it. 

When you crave one particular kind of food, everything else is tasteless.  It doesn't matter the quality or how well it is prepared.  But time usually brings a change in your tastes.  You'll want a different kind of food at some point.  And that's where the metaphore breaks down.  I've been craving the same thing for as long as I can remember.  Time doesn't bring that big of a change.  There will be little changes.  But one thing remains constant.  I'll always need to eat. 

Right now, I'm starving.

If this were just about food, the solution would be simple.  I'm starving.  The only thing out there to eat, someone else has.  Kill that 'someone else' and I get the food and no longer have to worry about competition. 

If only it were that simple. 

You know something though?  I really wish duels were legal.  I've only got a wish at this point, and no hope of it ever coming true.  What the fuck would I be giving up if I lost?  Not much, really. 


oneluckycharm365 said...

You're not out of your mind - you're human.  Therefore - don't be so hard on yourself.  Realize that life is short - you have two options: one - go with the flow of things and take things in stride or two - take your own action and steer your own course.  Depending on what kind of person you are is going to decide which of these you choose.  Then again....there are some other options; infinite possibilities.  By the way....when i say take action...i'm not referring to your statement of taking out the competition.  As the somewhat....crass.....saying goes - there's more than one way to skin a cat.

rampage841512 said...

Go with the flow, or take action?  You know, I've tried both.  And every single time I find myself standing back where I started.  Ever read Stephen King's Dark Tower series?  I feel like Roland when he realizes to his horror that he has to go back and do it all over again.

autumnsavril said...

If you keep finding yourself back at square one, it might be because you are afraid to fall off the playing field entirely.

Maybe try another course of action than either "taking action" or "going with the flow?"  Can't say I know what it is, though.  Maybe a subtle pushing?

Okay, so I'm clueless.


rampage841512 said...

I'll have to give that some thought.