Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I have no idea what to do tonight

This is a great song I'm listening too. 

But that is not what this journal entry is about.  I want to do something tonight, but I don't know what.  And I don't really want to do it alone.  I really need some more friends.   Or some more dates.  I'd call Brittany, but even if she wanted to do something she is either too young to get into most places or she has to be home too early.  Probably both.

I'm not even sure I'll be calling her again.  She never calls me, and never calls back when she says she will or even if I ask her too.  So fuck that.  I hate that kind of thing and I don't want to deal with it.  I could try the last ditch, "Hey, I like you and I'd like to go out again, but I'm not going to waste my time so if you really are interested, tell me."  I mean, it's just dating and all, but I'd like to talk to her and actually go out once in a while.  But I'm not sure I even care. 

So, who will be my next diaster in the making.  I should just ask out every girl I am even slightly interested in.  I mean, let's face it, I fuck it up every time.  Or something just isn't right.  So why the fuck worry.  There is the cost to think of, but who knows?  At the least I might get laid.  That's a horrible way to look at it, I guess, but who doesn't need a good lay once in a while? 

All joking aside, meaningless sex is of no interest to me.  And no, that is not a lie.  I guess that's part of my problem.  I joke around about sex, but in all honesty as much as I may act like hooking up is all I care about I really prefer sex in a relationship.  It's much more interesting that way. 

I don't know, maybe I'm just naive.  Or crazy.  Or just something...

There is nothing good on tv right now.  And the movie I want to see isn't playing at any of the theaters I've ever been too.  And the one I want to see besides that isn't playing for another two hours.  And I'm already feeling kind of tired even though I went to sleep at six in the afternoon yesterday and slept until six in the morning.

Oh, and did I mention I skipped class today?  I had a good reason.  See, I wanted to go because our teacher is handing out our study guide for our exam next Thursday, but I couldn't find a parking spot and didn't have time to park far away and get to class so I said "fuck it."  I'll just wing it.  It'll be okay.  It's another history class.  It's alright as long as I show up.

I think me and Stephanie are going to get together tomorrow afternoon to study a little.  That'll be cool. I'll probably only go to my first class then.  I just had a test in World History so I feel like skipping it.  My paper isn't due until next week.

I've got Saturday night off for John and Jennifer's Halloween party.  I used to call it 'our' Halloween party but it doesn't feel like it this year.  I'm just another guest.  Everything has changed between me and them.  It really sucks.  But that's life, I guess.  The worst part will by far be that Stephanie and Jeremy will be there together.  And I know how much she likes him.  And I'll see it.  Sometimes I don't even want to go. 

Fuck it, I got a bottle waiting for me.  Yeah, I know I said I wasn't drinking anymore.  But I have not since I said that.  I think special occasions are okay.  Besides, I'm hoping a lot of people will be there so maybe I won't have to associate with the ones that will ruin my night. 

I really need someone in my life right now.  Someone special.  I love Stephanie, and nothing is going to change that.  But I need someone, and if it's not going to be her it's got to be someone else.  But who?  That's always the question.  Brittany is interesting, but not enough.  She doesn't have it.  Whatever 'it' is.   Heather does, but Heather is seeing someone. 

There have got to be others like that.  Hell, I know there are.  I can usually tell at a glance if a girl has it.  I should start talking to those girls.  Every single one.  That's a pun, if you didn't catch it. 

Hey, I've got a joke:  Guy goes to the doctor.  Doctor asks what's wrong and the guy tells him his penis is turning orange.  So the Doctor starts asking him questions.  When he asks the guy what his hobbies are, the guy replies, "I like to watch porn and eat cheetos."

Haha.  Laugh with me.

Ever feel like you need to go out and do something really crazy?  I want to go drive really fast, or go to strip club and get lap dances until I pass out.  Or a number of other things.  I can't get into a strip club foranother month and a half, and I won't waste gas driving fast when I don't have anywhere to go.  So...I guess I'll sit at home.  Probably read a little.  Maybe go to sleep early.  Yeah, I'll do that.

Ave, remember when you told me to say goodbye to my life when I first started working?  I didn't believe what little life I had was going anywhere.  But you were right.  It went right down the drain.  And it started before the whole Stephanie mess.  Damn. 

You know what's funny though?  I'm honestly closer to her now than I am to John and Jennifer.  And me and her spend as much or more time together than I do with them.  If fate had just been a little different for me it might have been great.  I could have got the girl, and kept my friends.  As it is, I feel like I lost almost everything.  But I held onto what's important to me.  Because if it had come down to it, I'd have given up everything for Stephanie. 

I just had a little thought.  I said I would have given up everything for Stephanie.   Would have.  Now I'm wondering...Did I?  I mean, I could have just said fuck her, shrugged my shoulders about Jeremy and put all the blame on her, and not have put John and Jennifer in an uncomfortable position.

But I didn't.  And I wouldn't if I could do it over.  Stephanie at least didn't want to hurt me in this whole situation.  Jeremy didn't care.  John and Jennifer didn't do enough to make me think they much cared either.  I mean, why didn't they tell Jeremy he was doing something wrong?  Why didn't they confront Jeremy and Stephanie from then beginning.  They could have said, "You two tell Robert, or we will, right now."  That's what I think friends should have done.  Instead they didn't.  They hung out with them.  Fucking asshole mother fuckers.  I know John told me eventually.  Guilt got the better of him.  I've been able to forgive him a little bit because he did that.  But they are both fucking assholes for what they did.  And while we'll be friends, I'll never trust them again. 

And that's the difference.  I still trust Stephanie.  I know she's going to lie about little things, and there will be things she won't tell me.  And I know she is not perfect.  But when I confronted her about the whole thing she came clean with me.  John couldn't even tell me he and Jennifer had been hanging out with Jeremy and Stephanie. 

I may really have to kick Jeremy's ass one day.  I don't want to because of Stephanie.  But I might have to.  I've got to do something with this anger.  But I need him to step out of line first. 

Is it wrong for me to want him to hurt Stephanie (emotionally!) so that she'll come running into my arms?  I'd get her and an excuse to beat up on him.  How human of me.

I feel jealous, hurt, sad, betrayed, angry, and depressed.  I try to avoid thinking about this whole thing so I don't feel this way, but I always find my way back to it.  I just wish I could somehow change things.  Just once, a single time, I want to get that thing I want more than anything.  I want something that matters in my life.

I hear you all, "Yeah, buddy, who doesn't?" 

Why can't we all be happy?  Is that too much to ask?  I don't think so.  But I'm a romantic.  I believe happiness really is possible

4 comments:

autumnsavril said...

Yanno, this is kinda personal, but I feel like a rare moment of sharing.

So, here goes.  Clint was my first and has been my only.  Really and truly.  (How old fashioned is that, right?)  I don't really actually *regret* that fact, but sometimes I wonder what it would have been like had things been different.  And  it very nearly was.

I'm getting off point.  Basically, I think it's cool that you're the type to only want sex when it matters.  For myself, though, I kinda wonder what it would be like to experience sex with no relationship crowding it, nothing getting in the way of good clean fun.

Next . . .

You and your class-skipping!  You actually plan ahead for when you skip classes?  That's when you know it's getting bad.

Drinking very occasionally is perfectly okay . . . so long as you don't make it a necessity or a strong habit.  I think it's groovy that you've gone this long without . . . that shows you have control over it, and not vice-versa.

And I didn't catch that pun until you mentioned it.  :)  But after I read that I caught it right away.

I've heard the Cheetohs joke, and have never really liked it, but "orange" has always held a special funny meaning for me.  Maybe one day when I have a few hours of time I will explain it to you.

Ave

autumnsavril said...

You didn't think I was kidding when I told you that you'd lose your life, did you?  You didn't think I had no idea what I was talking about?  Not only are you working, but you're also going to school.

Life = huh?  What's that?

Everytime I think that John and Jennifer were hanging out with Stephanie and Jeremy, that just makes me ill.  At the very least they should have told you, on principal.  But more than that, they should have said, "Jer, if you're going to do this, we're not going to become involved and we sure as hell aren't going to cover for you.  You will have to see Stephanie all by yourself."

I can't decide if your wanting Stephanie to get hurt is a good thing or a bad thing, in the scenario you've mentioned.  I think I'll just keep my own counsel.

Romance is what drives the world to do good things.  Be a romantic.  :)

Ave

rampage841512 said...

I don't really want her to get hurt, period.  I just sometimes wish I could tweak things a little in my favor.  I'm tempted to try, but I'm afraid of screwing things up worse.  I just try to be who I am and what I am and not hide that from people like I've done in the past.

rampage841512 said...

Oh, and when I plan to skip class isn't the problem.  It's when I do it on a whim, without a good reason that causes problems.  See, if I plan ahead I know which classes I can miss without a problem.

I agree with you about the drinking.  And the cheetos joke.  I didn't realize I'd made a pun either for a minute.  

And I get a little sick every time I think of John and Jennifer doing that too.  That's why our friendship won't ever be the same.  We'll never be as close again.