Monday, October 31, 2005

I've got a lot to offer

I know it sounds like I am full of myself, but I really do have a lot to offer.  I don't think much of myself in the looks department, but if I can believe a lot of other people I think I can at least say I'm cute.  That's the most common word used, anyway.

I just want to be able to care about someone and not hold anything back.  I want to just let go, relax, and let my feelings take me where they will. 

Now, the trick is to find someone who wants that from me.  That's the trick.  And it's a hell of a trick to pull off.  Some people are afraid of it.  I don't really know why.  If someone cares for me, I try to appreciate it as it is.  I can't remember a time in my life I wanted someone to care less, just differently and more. 

Maybe I ask too much.  Hell, maybe I don't ask enough.  I don't really know.  I try to be a very flexible person.  I like being able to fit myself to someone else.  I don't change at my core, but I can try to fit someone's individual needs. 

This sounds so weird to me.  There is just so much I'm trying to figure out.  The question I always (for many years now) asked myself is a simple one.  What is wrong with me? 

Don't tell me there is nothing.  I fail at every attempt I try at a romantic relationship.   Am I just to willing to allow myself to feel?  Is that it.  I don't see why embracing what you feel is a bad thing.  You only have one life to live and I figure it is better to burn out than to fade away.  Why not enjoy what you feel while you have it.  If it goes away in time, then so be it.  It will come again, with the same person or with someone else. 

And hopefully, one day it will come with one person and stay.  I'm looking for that one person, sure.  I would never deny it.   But at the same time I'm looking for whatever might be in the meantime.  I don't want that to be nothing.  Nothing hurts too much.  Nothing leaves me to remember all the times I've lost instead of being able to revel in what I have. 

Okay, time to stop this.  I need sleep. 


all4eyez said...

I don't think you sound like you are full of yourself...!
What the heck , it's your journal , right?
Aren't you normally supposed to talk about yourself?
I don;t know , its just my thought.

I understand what you are going through.
I know a lot of people who feel this way , myself included.
Let me tell you ,if it makes you feel any better , that you are not alone.
I know this.
Love , a true comfortable one - I believe is a hard thing to come by.
It is not everyday that people can get together , like each other so much and like the things that each from the couple likes so much that they are able to both want to be together , to be comfortable with each other and want to only be with that person.

It seems to me there is a lot of shallownish and insecurity going on around us all and that doesn't help anything.

I believe people want what they cannot have.
Especially in this type of case.

I'm telling you , right now - there is NOTHING wrong with you!!!
It is not you.
You are the true romantic and a true romantic may have a hard time finding that special someone.
That special someone should love you unconditionally , not for what you look like or what you have.
But who you are and what your personality can offer.
That is the truth behind the best of relationships that work.

I am still wishing you luck on this rocky journey - as I know it to be a very difficult one.
But you can do it and you will find that you are looking for.

One more thing that I believe is that you will find this special thing , when you least expect it.
Try not to look so hard , or think about it so much.
It will happen , and when it does , it will be the best thing...
You will be glad you were patient.


jhileb said...

your not going to want to hear this, but "nothing."

love is hard to find...almost impossible when your looking for it.  even harder to find someone who will love you back as much as you can love them.  this is a quest people search for their whole lives and many, many never find it.  allot of people think they have found it, but not really.  they compromise, or just get it confused with sex or comfort.  this is one of those things where it seems the harder you try the more it will escape you.  about the time you completely give up....then it shows up.  

so, even though you feel like something is wrong with you...likely you just haven't found the right person yet who "worships the ground you walk on."  not an easy task....never is.  one day'll run into them and all these years of trying and disappointment will wither away and disappear.


rampage841512 said...

You know, I've been thinking, as shallow as it sounds, after everything that has happened I think maybe a little sex and comfort are in order.  

At least, it would be better than constantly dwelling on the misery I wake up to every day.  

It's just not fair.  I know, I know.  "Life's not fair." No shit.  But enough is enough already.  

I'll wait, and try and concentrate on other things; like finishing school, getting a story published, getting into law school, and finding a better job.  At least, I'll try to do that.  

Buddhism sounds so appealing to me right now....