Sunday, October 30, 2005

I've felt better

I'm not hung over...at least not enough to notice.  I just feel generally shitty.  I guess I could use a little more sleep.  Maybe I'll take a nap before work.  I don't know.  I slept most of the day away.  It was nice.

I called Stephanie when I woke up.  I got her voicemail and left her a message telling her to call me back.  I just want to tell her I'm sorry for sneaking off without saying goodbye.  I felt kind of bad about that, but it'll be okay.  I also want to see when she wants to get together to study for our philosophy test too.

I didn't really intend on breaking down last night, but all of a sudden it just came over me, and I totally lost it.  I was sitting in my car so I just threw the hood of my cloak over my head and locked the doors, and then I just let it overtake me.  It wasn't fun.

Alcohol does strange things to people.  For me, it allows me to let go.  I could let out pure, unadulterated hate last night.  A few people saw me with my "thousand yard stare" and shied away at times.  And then it let me release all the anguish I've been feeling.  It's good to let those things go.  They'll kill you if you don't get it out some way.  I can't let go of my control when I'm sober, not completely, but I can when I drink.  It's good that I can use it that way, but I'll always have to be careful.   

It is so stupid the way things are.  It just doesn't make any sense to me.  I am sick of it.  Sick of being alone.  Sick of being hurt.  Sick of feeling like an asshole for being the better man.  And I am that.  It was made pretty clear to me a few times last night.  People who know me have come to expect a higher standard from me because that is what I hold myself too.  And I continue to hold myself to it. 

It's hard feeling like I feel.  It's sadness, but it is also resignation.  I feel like I've got to start all over again and that I'll only be setting myself up for another fall.  Except every time I fall, I fall further.  It hurts more.  It's harder to get back up.  But some stubborn part of me won't stay put.

Anyway, I'm tired of it.  I want it to stop.  I just don't know how to make it stop. 

I played some online poker a little while ago.  I lost pretty quickly.  I justdon't have it in me to play tournaments.  Once in a while I do good, but not often.  And it's never good enough.  I get impatient with the pace of the play, or I get mad at another player trying to bully me and I fall into a trap.  Doesn't matter.  It'll all be okay in the end.

That's what I keep telling myself.  It will all be okay in the end.  Who the fuck am I kidding?  There is nothing okay about me right now.  And there is nothing I can do to make me okay.  I need someone else to do that.  I want that someone else to be Stephanie, more than anything.  But at this point, I'll take anyone who can honestly feel for me.  And I'll be able to honestly feel for them too.  Those feelings will be sparked by gratitude, no doubt, and fueled by that too.  But they'll be honest, and they'll be just as real all the same...

Stephanie just called.  She could only talk a second, but she said she'll call me back after dinner. 

I suddenly feel just a little bit better.  And you wonder why I love this girl? 

2 comments:

jhileb said...

yup, taking the high road is always hard.  that's why so few people do it. it also means you'll get screwed in life as refusing to cheat in the game of life...puts you at a major disadvantage.  

in that regard...life is like a cruel joke for anyone with half a brain.  stuck on this planet with about 98% complete morons...who bumble through life and mess up everyone elses.  not to mention that they always seem to get ahead over the ones who really deserve it?!?  very frustrating, no doubt.  

j.h.

rampage841512 said...

And people wonder I sharpen my sword as a way to calm my nerves...

Nothing like a not so subtle threat to those morons.