Thursday, September 1, 2005

Wired Again

I'm tired and feeling a little depressed, I'll be honest.  My classes were not bad at all, and Stephanie was in Philosophy.  It was nice seeing her, but in an odd way.  I feel like it's just not enough.  It never seems to be.  I never want to see her walking away, and I really hate it when I'm the one walking away.  I have an insatible desire for her.  Not a sexual desire, mind you, but a desire to just be around her.  I like talking to her most of all.  That's not something we get to do much in class, and when she is talking to someone besides me I feel like someone is stealing my quality time.

It seems so petty to me.  I can't have her all to myself, no matter what our relationship is.  But that doesn't make me want her even less.  I have to wonder, would I still feel this need to be around her, to see her, and talk to her if I saw her all the time?

I can't explain my interest in her.  I'm interested in other women, both physically and intellectually.  But it's never the same.  It's never been the same.  I hate dwelling on it, but I can't help but compare others to her.  I always do at some point.  I've done this before with others, but never to this extent.  Usually it's conscious though, but this is usually unconscious.  I just do it without even realizing it. 

It's fucked up.  On the one hand, I really don't want to be hung up on just one girl.  On the other, I don't not want to not be hung up on this one girl.  It's all very confusing to me.  I don't really know what to do.  I guess try and have fun.  No commitments and shit like that.  It could be interesting even though it really isn't my style. 

I guess one of my major insecurities is that I don't have anything to look at in my life and say, "I've got this, and this is a good thing.  As long as I've got this nothing else matters."  I want that.  I want that because it will allow me so much more freedom.  With that freedom I can relax, I won't have to be so serious all the time.  I need to be able to do that without that one thing though, whatever it may be. 

Knowing that my feelings are going to lie somewhere else makes me wary of any other type of relationship.  I need a few that are completely meaningless.  And then maybe something a little more serious, but something that doesn't go to that one place.  Maybe I'll want to later with someone else, but for right now that place is occupied. 

This is really fucked up, and like I've said time and again I don't know what to do.  I'm afraid that will mean I end up doing nothing.  Ultimately I am still the same person I've always been.  I'm a little different, but not in a big way.  I need a big change.  I need to get laid.  I need to get drunk.  I need some new friends to hang with.  I need a lot of things, and I don't know how to get most of what I need.  Some of it's just a matter of getting off my ass. 

Anyway, I've got to work tonight so I'm going to get some sleep. 

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