Friday, September 9, 2005

So tired...

I'm so tired, I just want to sleep forever.  I'm tired in every way you can be tired.  I feel like I've been fighting a useless battle for years.  I've been trying to make a life for myself, but all I seem to be doing is treading water.  And I'm growing so tired I feel like I may just give up.  I am definitely in one of those low spots right now. 

Stephanie didn't come to class yesterday.  I called her afterward and left her a voicemail asking her to call me back.  I have not heard from her yet.  I try calling her again when I wake up this afternoon if I don't hear anything.  I'm a little worried, but the fact is with everything that is happening I'm just going numb. 

My Aunt Melissa called from California yesterday.  She is not the one I was trying to get in touch with, that is my Aunt Ellen, but she gave me her number.  I'm going to call her this afternoon.  I don't know what I'm going to say to her.  I just want to talk.  It doesn't have to be about anything in particular.  Just talking can be good. 

Last night at work was okay for a Monday.  I finished up pretty early, and it wasn't that hard.  Things were a little weird though.  I went hoping I would feel better, but by the end of the night I just felt numb.  I don't like it.  It's a very depressing feeling.  No happiness at all.  Just a kind of down trodden feeling. 

No hope.  That's what it is.  I'm not the type of person who gives up hope.  There is always a brighter side, always.  At least that's my usual opinion.  But I don't feel like there is.  I fee like I've got nothing left to lose.  And that makes me feel a twinge of excitement.  Someone with nothing left to lose is capable of anything. 

Mmmmm, that's better.  That feeling that I can do anything I want is oh so sweet.  It's a feeling of power.  And that truly is seductive.  Yes, I like it. 

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