Thursday, September 8, 2005

Resignation

Right now I'm just feeling resigned to my whole situation.  It sucks, but I have to deal.  I wish I could say I was okay, but I'm still getting these tight feelings in my chest like I can't breath.  It happens everytime I really face what is happening.  It happens when I've not thought about it for an hour, or when I wake up, or when I'm trying to fall asleep.  I will not have thought about it for a few minutes or longer and it all comes rushing back and hits me like a sledge hammer. 

I'm just going to do what I've got to do, and maybe everything will work out somehow in the end.  Basically I did what I said.  I'm chasing women.  I'm chasing every kind too.  I guess that's kind of fun.  It's distracting anyway. 

I didn't sleep that well.  I'm kind of tired.  I meant to sleep for another hour, but it ain't happening.  I just figured I'd get up instead of just laying there.  That girl from work called me at about three-thirty this morning.  I didn't mind, I was awake.  She was waiting for someone so she wanted to talk to me while she waited.  If she hadn't been busy I would have invited her over.  Sure thing, and all that.  It would help, believe it or not.  Shifts a little focus to someone else, at least temporarily. 

You know how I say I never break my promises?  Well, here's one to myself:  I promise to never again let fear get in the way of telling someone what I feel about them, no matter what because the possible gain far outways the risk.

I also called that girl Amber yesterday.  I don't know why.  Third times the charm, I guess.  I got her voicemail so I left her a message.  I basically said that if she was still interested in getting to know me better we should try and do something together some time.  I told her if I didn't hear from her I would get the point. 

I don't know what's next.  Maybe one of the girls in my archaeology class.  There are two that I'd like to get to know a little better.  Oh, and if my use of the term 'girl' bothers anyone remember that one of its definitions is "informal for woman."  I've never been very formal here, so give me a break.  I don't think I get surfed by any PCers though.

I really wish I had the money to travel right now.  Doing a whole European tour would be great right now.  It would be great to hit all the big cities from Rome to Moscow.  There is so much of the world to see, and I've seen so little of it.  I've experienced so little.  I want to though.  I'd love to do a whole Seven Years in Tibet type deal.  Maybe I could find some answers out there. 

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