Sunday, September 4, 2005

Not Feeling Well

I'm feeling pretty bad.  I have not slept at all, but I kind of dozed a little bit.  I'm going to try eating something to make my stomach feel better, and I'm going to try and get some sleep.  I think maybe I can, if I can just stop thinking about everything for a little while.

I'm trying to get my aunts phone number so I can call her and talk to her.  I talked to one of my cousins and she said she would get the number for me if I called back in twenty minutes.  I just called her back a few minutes ago, but there was no answer.  I left a message with my number and asked her to call me back and said that I would try again in thirty minutes. 

I don't know if talking to my aunt will help, but maybe it will.  It would really help if she could be here.  It would help if anyone I trusted enough could be here.  I just don't know anyone like that here. 

I had thought I was going to be okay before yesterday.  I really was getting on alright.  But seeing them together was the worst thing in the world.  It was so horrible.  I just couldn't stand it, so I started drinking a lot.  That was a bad idea. 

I've decided I'm not going to drink anymore.  I started slipping last night into that dangerous ground where I'll end up like my grandfather.  I don't want to be like that.  The drinking doesn't make the hurt go away.  If anyone could have seen me this morning when I wrote the previous entry they would have seen a broken, sad, pathetic human being.

I tried sleeping, but I kept thinking about this whole situation.  I just started crying.  Before long I was sobbing and talking to myself asking, "Why? Why?"  The last entry give you a good idea of what was going through my head. 

I don't know why I am the way I am.  I've done the best I could to give my life meaning, but it just all feels so pointless.  I think I'm going to break down again.

1 comment:

autumnsavril said...

Entry before last made me cry.  I hope things improve soon.  :(