Tuesday, September 13, 2005

My back hurts.

For some reason my back is always sore after my classes.  I guess sitting there for hours does it.  Sleeping on my couch probably doesn't help.  I really do want to sleep in my bed, but I have not been able to in over a month.  Want the truth?  I can't sleep in there because I have to sleep alone.  I've never liked sleeping alone.  And now trying to sleep in there just makes me wish for something that isn't there, and I can't sleep. Damn it.

My classes were okay today.  Race, Class, and Gender was the best.  It was the best for the same reason my philosophy classes have been the best for over a year now.  Stephanie was there.  She puts a smile on my face and makes everything okay when I'm with her, even now after everything that's happened.  You can't tell me that doesn't mean something.  No one else does that for me, not the way she does.  Others do it a little bit, but not like her.  She makes me happy I'm alive when I'm with her.  There are hard moments, but she's still the same Stephanie to me.  She's still the girl I love.

She wasn't feeling to good today.  She gets sick so easily.  I think she is going to be okay, but I wish I could do something.  I wish I could take care of her.  Thats me needing to be needed.  She'll be okay.  I'll call her later today or tomorrow to see if she is feeling better. 

She leaves class early to pick up her siblings.  As soon as she is gone a little of the life goes out of me.  It's always been like that though.  It's not anything new.  That's kind of comforting in a weird way.  It's the same, and it's not the same. 

I'll wait for her until the end of time.  I know I will.  What worries me is that doing that I may hurt someone else.  Or I may pass up another good opportunity.  I worry about that, but I also don't care.  I don't want anyone else.  I want her and only her.  I'd give up so much for her.  I just hope I'm not going to give it all up for fool's hope.

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