Monday, September 5, 2005

It's so hard.

I'm really trying to get through this.  It's really hard though.  Almost eveything makes me think of Stephanie, or more to the point Stephanie with Jeremy.  I'm on an emotional rollcoaster, to still a popular saying.  At times I'm angry, sad, jealous, etc.  Sometimes I laugh hysterically, and then I end up in tears.  I don't understand these feelings.

I want to forget, but I can never forget.  I can't do another last night.  There is no way I can handle that again, at least not any time soon.  And that just sucks.  I always knew I'd be risking my friendship with Stephanie if I ever tried to go out with her.  I didn't realize that I'd be gambling my other friends too.

Fact is, John and Jennifer spend a lot of time with Stephanie and Jeremy.  Stephanie and Jennifer seem to have become pretty good friends.  I wanted it to be like that, but I wanted it to be me in place of Jeremy.  And now I feel like I'm getting pushed to the side.  They're doing it to avoid hurting me anymore, but at the same time it just makes it worse. 

I feel so empty.  I feel like I've lost everything I ever had worth having.  I think I've really hit rock bottom.  I know that I should get up and start climbing, but I don't want to get up.  I'm afraid of falling again.  I don't know if I have the strength for this stuff anymore.  Every time I try something goes to shit.  I'm so sick of it.  What the fuck is the point?

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