Thursday, September 8, 2005

Fear is your worst enemy

Fear is, and always will be, my worst enemy.  I should have told Stephanie how I felt about her a long time ago.  I didn't, and because of that I lost.  She is getting what I wanted to give her, but from someone else.  I'm a friend to her, and I will always be.  Maybe, somehow, one day I'll be more.  I don't know.  I hope, but I fear. 

And that's that.

I went to her house to hang out with her around ten last night.  I was there for about an hour.  Mostly we just talked.  I want to be happy for her, because I think she is happy with what she got.  The only thing she's feeling down about it how things turned out for me.  I love her, but if it's someone else that makes her happy then I'll try and be happy for her.  I love her.  I really do. 

I want so much more.  I'm trying to deal with it.  But like I've said a hundred times, it's really hard.  It will always be hard.  A part of me wants her to be happy, even if it's without me.  Another part of me is hoping something splits them up so that I can be there for her.  Maybe that wouldn't be any better than the situation right now. 

It's so hard.  I never want to be without her.  I crave her.  That's such a weird sensation.  I've desired people.  I've missed people.  I don't think I've ever craved someone before. 

Every time I see her I hope for the opportunity to put my arms around her.  But I know that would hurt me too.  Because I want to put my arms around her, hold her to me, and know that she isn't going anywhere or that if she does she'll be back soon. 

I'm so afraid I'm going to lose her completely.  I'm terrified of that.  I feel like I've got her hand, but just by the tips of the fingers.  I'm afraid she is going to slip away.  I promised her I would always be her friend.  That was me reaching out to get a better grip.  But am I strong enough to hold on through all the rough waters ahead? 

And here's another one...If I do hold on, am I going to drown?  Even so, I can't let go.  There is so much pain, but there is this tiny little bit of happiness that having her as a friend gives me.  If I let go, the pain will stay for awhile before eventually fading.  But that little spark of happiness will be extinguished forever.  A part of myself will die.  If I hold on I'll at least have that little bit of happiness, even if having it means I'm going to drown in pain. 

Yeah, fuck it.  I'd rather drown than let go.  Maybe that's stubborn and stupid, but I don't care what anyone thinks.  If you love someone you should give them that love anyway you can, even if it hurts.  If you love a person, then they must be a person who deserves to feel your love.  So you should show it however you can.  I'll show my love by being Stephanie's friend. 

Anyway, all that said I guess I can talk about the rest of my night after I left Stephanie's.  First off, we cut it kind of short because someone called her and told her some asshole who doesn't even know her is calling her a whore.  She was very angry and wanted to confront him about it.  So she needed to go do that.  She had other friends there to help her out if she needed it, but I told her to call me if she needed me.  I'm assuming it went well for her.  I'll find out tomorrow.

So I left her house around eleven.  I decided on my way home to stop by WalMart and pick up my check (they hand them out after midnight).  I also knew one of the cashiers I've been hanging out with after work and talking to would be there too.  I figured it would kind of nice to see her.  She's a cool person for the most part.  Her name is Michelle.  There is no real chemistry there, beyond the physical aspect, just in case anyone is wondering. 

I sat outside talking to her while I waited.  Her ex was there with her.  He's a punk ass little bitch.  He used to beat her when they were together.  He wouldn't dare do it again, and I'm one of the reasons why.  But only one.  If he hurts her and I find out he's going to regret it.  I'm not the only one he has to worry about though.  Anyway, the only reason she has anything to do with him is because she knows that she is all he has in the world.  In my opinion she should let him go straight to hell, but that's her business.

I also talked to a few other people while I was there.  I caught up on a little of the work place BS.  It was kind of nice, and it kept me from thinking about Stephanie for a little while.  I know I'm going to have to turn down my feelings for my own sake.  I've got to get myself back under control.  My emotions are all out of wack.  I see characters on tv shows getting together and I'm tearing up with happiness for them.  I see people getting hurt and I'm tearing up with sympathy for them.  I guess I'm just really vulnerable to emotional stimuli right now.  I want everyone to be happy, because if everyone is happy then I'll be happy too since I'm included in 'everyone.'

Pathetic, I know.  I'm working on getting back to my old self, as much as I can.  But I got a new dent in that armor of mine, and it's a big one.  And it's going to show for a while until it fades into the background with all the others, if it ever can.   

No comments: