Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Damn AOL

I wrote a huge entry yesterday while I was waiting for class to begin.  I clicked save and got a message that "Journals are temporarily unavailable."  And of course everything I wrote was gone when I was taken back to the 'Add an Entry' page.  There is no way for me to write it again.  It was just too complicated and long.  So I'm going to give a shortened version.

This girl I've been hanging out with after work, Michelle, took a bit of a beating from her asshole ex-boyfriend.  I was raving mad when I found out, but she won't let me do anything.  I'm in a position where if I do anything she is going to hate me for it, and if I don't I'm going to have to watch her get hurt.  I'd like to just walk away, but I feel some responsibility toward the white trash slut.  As a guy, I feel like I'm obligated to do something when another guy steps out of line.  Welcome to another Catch-22.

I also took a mental look back at some other girls I've had feelings for over the years.  I don't entirely understand my feelings for Stephanie, I just know what they are.  Looking back I realized that I was attracted to all the others for a variety of reasons such as looks, personality, potential for a future, potential for good sex, etc.  Anyway, it seems to me that I'm attracted to Stephanie not mainly because of any one of these, but because of all of them. 

Over time, getting to know her, I just completely and totally started to love everything about her.  There are times, like when she fails to return calls, that she annoys the hell out of me, but that forgetfulness is also part of her charm.  I'll get mad at her, but the next time I see her she has the simplest, most obvious explanation or she'll just apologize with this pained look on her face and I just can't help forgiving.  If I'm feeling down about something, say not getting one of those phone calls, as soon as I talk to her or see her I feel better. 

I can't believe what I'm puttin up with.  Dignity just goes right out the window. 

Everyone must think I'm out of my mind.  I really hope I'm being taken seriously.  This is more serious than anything ever before.  I never lied when I said I care about her so much that it scares me.  I'm so afraid, and so helpless to do anything.  I feel like I should let go, and I feel like I should hold on tight.

I am not sure what I am going to do.  I just hope it's the right thing, and that it leads me where I want to be.  With her.  No matter what happens, I know I'm going to be waiting for as long as I have to.  I'll do what I have to in the meantime, but I already know what I want.  I'll wait as long as I have too.  I just hope it comes.  I don't want to wait forever.  Two years, ten, I'll wait.  I can't explain why.  No one has ever had such an affect on me.  No one.  Ever.  I'm not kidding.  I'm not imagining it.  I'm not exaggerating. 

She's worth it, in the end.  She is worth it.  There can't be two like her.  That's not possible.  If I just said fuck it, I might meet someone in the future who I feel as strongly about, I'm not so naive to deny that.  But it won't be her.  It won't be Stephanie.  And it's Stephanie I want. 

I'm so screwed.

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