Tuesday, September 6, 2005

All that said...

All that said, it's still going be very hard for me.  I don't think for a moment that it won't.  But I guess I still have some hope for a better future with her.  Everytime I see her with Jeremy that hope is going to be crushed, so I don't want to see her with Jeremy.  But everytime I see her by myself (relatively speaking) I get to look into her eyes and talk to her and for some reason that hope is reborn.  Maybe it's just the fact that we have a strong friendship.  I don't really know.  I just know that no matter what I don't want to lose what I have, and if there is ever an opportunity for more I want to take it. 

In other news, Jennifer called me a few minutes ago to see if I wanted to hang and maybe rent some movies.  I had to tell her that I already had plans.  I think that is a first for me.  But I do have plans, and I'd like to hang out with Stephanie.  I didn't tell Jennifer anything except that I was going to hang out with a friend.  Maybe I should have said I was going to hang out with Stephanie, but I couldn't do it.  I was afraid if I did she would do something to screw it up.  Damn it, I don't want to feel like that toward Jennifer, but I trust her less than anyone.  That makes me feel so bad too.  I won't say that she is intentionally doing anything to harm me in anyway, but she is going to see things in a different light than me.  She may even think she is doing what is best for me.  I don't know.

Ultimately, I don't want my friendship with Stephanie screwed up.  Maybe I'm a fool, but there is something about her that I just don't want to be without.  She makes me feel good.  Oh, she makes me suffer too, but I can't give her up.  And I promised her I wouldn't give up our friendship.  I promised, and I never break my promises.  So no matter how hard it is, I'm going to be her friend.  And I think she is going to do the same for me.  And I think we'll be okay. 

My life has taken a turn that I never saw coming.  I don't know what will come of it.  I don't know if the result will be worth all the hurt I'm going through.  Maybe it will, and maybe it won't.  But ultimately, I am an idealist and I believe in happy endings...even if it takes a long time to get there.  I can't let my depression, my hurt, and my sadness keep me from holding onto that one belief.

On a slightly different note, although a related one, I told Stephanie how I had decided to quit drinking.  She said she had decided the same thing.  She said the more she drank Saturday night the more depressed she felt, and the more depressed she felt the more she drank.  Seems to me like we were both on that same downward spiral.  Hopefully both of us will stick to it.  We'll be better for it in the long run.

Saturday night was hard for her too.  And she at leasts knows that what I'm going through is horrible.  So maybe I'm not completely alone.  Someone does get it.  Someone does acknowledge that what is going on is really fucked up for me.  By someone, I mean someone who is involved in this whole messed up situation.  I need that.  I wasn't getting it from John or Jennifer.  I am getting it from Stephanie. 

Well, there you have it.  Maybe that gives you a little insight into why I'm so fucked up about this.  Maybe this gives you an insight into what she means to me.  I don't feel like I'm just getting pity from her, I feel like I'm getting acknowledgement from someone else that I'm feeling really hurt and that it's okay and it's not selfish.  And that feels really good.  And that, my friends, is why I love her.

And that's why I don't want to try and "get over" her.  I don't want these feelings to fade, dull, or go away.  Because in the end, she is giving me something no one else ever has.  Even if it is as just a friend.

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