Tuesday, September 6, 2005

All jacked up

I called John.  I felt like I really needed to come clean with him.  I've got nothing to hide and I never should have been cloak and dagger about hanging out with Stephanie.   I felt bad about it, and I needed to just say something before it got to be something stupid.

I kind of took the opportunity to dump on him too.  He doesn't have any advice to offer, and I don't think I'd want it if he did.  But he did listen.  He just wants things to be okay.  But it can't be, and I tried to explain that to him.  This is really ripping us all apart.  I don't want anything to do with Jeremy. 

I'd be hurt no matter who Stephanie was with, if it wasn't me.  She's with someone who was supposed to be my friend.  He told me he just wanted to be friends with her.  He told her that, but he didn't stick to that.  He shouldn't have lied, or he shouldn't have given in to whatever encouragement she gave him.  You don't hurt your friends.  And that's what he did to me.

Everytime I see them, or think of them, I think of two things.  The first is that I lost Stephanie to someone else, possibly forever.  The second is that I lost her to someone who was supposed to be my friend, someone who said he had no interest in her other than being a friend.  So it's twice the fucking hurt.  It's like getting kicked in the nuts twice.  Once is bad enough, but twice is just fucking cruel.

I don't know what to do to make everything okay.  I think John and Jennifer would like to say, "Get over it, and move on with your life."  I can't do that.  If I could walk away, I could do that.  But lets face it, I am not about to walk away from my entire life.  At the same time, not walking away feels like it's killing me. 

Worst case scenario is I lose Stephanie to Jeremy forever.  That will create a rift in all of my relationships that I won't be able to bridge.  I know what Stephanie said to me, but I can't help it:  what if she is really happy with him?  What then?  How do I reconcile being both her friend and hating someone she cares about?  How do I shake the resentment that is inevitably going to rear it's ugly head in such a situation?

Like I said before, just having her as a friend has been a great experience that I don't want to end.  But how will it ever work out? 

I feel betrayed.  Is that justified?

I feel guilt.  Why should I be feeling guilty?

I feel hurt.  I know what will make that pain go away, and I don't think that is going to happen.  Alright, I'll be honest, if she and Jeremy split up and stayed that way I'd feel a lot better.  I'd feel like I got a little justice then.  But if she's happy with him, I just have to deal with that no matter how much I hate it.  Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

I won't ever be able to be happy with this situation.  I don't want to feel like shit over all this, but I don't want to say fuck everyone and everything and start over from scratch.  I may only be twenty, but I can't do that.  I can't.  And I can't give her up, not as a friend.  I can't give up the hope that we'll be more some day. 

I don't really know why this is happening to me.  I don't know what I did to deserve it.  It really feels like the world is out to make me misreble and it's using those things I hold most dear to do it.  It's like someone has set out to systematically destroy my life.  Why would anyone do that?

And here is the real, bottom line fear:  If one day someone decides that they want me, will I care anymore?  Whoever it is, will I be able to let myself take that risk?  I mean, even if it was Stephanie, would I care anymore?  Will I care in six months, two years, ten?  If it was right now, I think I would be able too.  But right now it isn't going to happen.  So what lies in my future?

You want to know what else scares me?  Say everything goes as bad as it possibly can...I think that ten years later, I might still feel like I feel right now.  And I know I won't make it ten years feeling like this.  Not without walking away from her.  Not without making myself hate her.  And I know I can't do that.  So what will I do?

Catch-22.  That's my whole fucking life. 


autumnsavril said...

You know what's funny about the last line of this entry?  While reading your entries I kept thinking (and I was planning on mentioning it in a comment) that your life seems to be filled with emotional catch-22s.  :P  You took my term.  I guess it's kind of pointless to say something you already know, in the exact same way you said it.

Now, catching up on everything I read . . . (if I can remember it all, anyway) . . .  lol, "fuckity fuck fuck fuck."  That was cute, even if it wasn't intended to be cute.  Also, I have no advice to give right now, and I think you're glad for that.  I know hearing unwanted advice, or at least advice not asked for, can be grating and infuriating.

I hope I was able to distract you some the other morning.  After realizing you were too stubborn to call someone, I tried to take your mind off things for awhile by completely changing the subject . . . I didn't want you to think I was being callous, but it was kind of a catch-22 of my own.

By the way, for anyone who might read this and have no idea what catch-22 is, it's basically a situation defined by, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't."  There's actually a novel called Catch-22, if you want to pick it up and bore yourself to death.

At any rate, "okay" stages are, well, okay.  Definitely better than the way you were feeling.  They're tremendously much more lighthearted, but the relief never quite feels like enough.  (Told you I've been there.)


rampage841512 said...

You did the best thing you could for me the other day, and I appreciate it.  There are ups and downs.  The downs are way down, and ups are not so up.