Thursday, August 25, 2005

Shatter Points

Shatter points are those events in our lives that either make or break us.  They say what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.  I thought that since I was in such a reflective mood I’d share some of mine. 


The first important one I can think of came shortly after moving to backward Alabama from sunny California.  I was about ten or eleven years old.  We left a four bedroom house in Norwalk, CA for an old, two bedroom mobile home.  There were five of us, including my grandfather, me, my younger brother Daniel, my sister Mary, and my sister Vanessa (who was still drinking from a bottle and wearing diapers).  Within six months my grandfather had started drinking again after being sober for fifteen years.  He did his best to make up for lost time.  It wasn’t long before I was changing the diapers and making the bottles at three in the morning.  It was a really bad time for me.  At one point I even suffered third degree burns on my left leg while burning some pine needles outside.  Thankfully my grandfather wasn’t drinking much that day or it would have been worse.  The stress was horrible for someone my age.  There were times I wanted to die.  There were a few times when I had the gun in my hand.


When I was about twelve my mother traveled from California to move in with us.  For a while things seemed to get better.  We even moved into a larger, four bedroom mobile home next door to my grandfather.  But things soon went south.  My mother started drinking.  She started taking allergy pills so she could sleep all day.  Before long she was on cocaine.  She couldn’t handle the stress of taking care of four kids.  She was weak, and I’ll always hate her for it.  I eventually moved back in with my grandfather.  He was easier to deal with.  A few weeks after I moved out my mother flipped out worse than she ever had before.  She threw about $300 worth of groceries into our driveway and broke out half the windows in our home.  I was thirteen at the time.  Over the next couple of days I personally packed all of her things and gave her the boot, with my grandfather’s drunken support.  My brother Daniel and sister Mary never forgave me.


Eventually we all moved into the four bedroom mobile home.  My grandfather had lost his leg in a car accident months before my mother’s departure and was even more useless than before.  A drunk man with one leg can’t do much.  I had to do all the shopping, and as time went by I took up more responsibility.  By the time I was sixteen I was doing just about everything, from buying the groceries to paying the monthly bills.  I managed to do all this while still going to school, and I managed to graduate and go on to college.


This past January I was having one of my frequent shouting matches with my grandfather.  I was yelling at him that he had to quit drinking and start taking some responsibility.  He didn’t like was I was saying and he made the mistake of taking a swing at me.  I swung back, more than once, and he went down hard.  Within a week I had moved out and was living alone.  I went from seeing my friends everyday to seeing them maybe once every couple of weeks.  I went from being completely financially dependant on someone else to depending on myself, with a little help from some investments.


And for eight months I’ve been here alone.  And being alone is wearing on me.  You see, I haven’t been alone for just eight months, but for about ten years.  I really need someone I can trust.  I need someone I can lean one.  And for over a year I really thought Stephanie could be that person.  But for her own reasons she can’t be.  Not now, and maybe not ever.  The worst part is that if we could have been what I wanted us to be, it would have made everything in the past worth it.  If we ever are what I want us to be, it will be worth it.  Every bit.


jhileb said...

you have had a tough life.  although the bright side is the best people come from tough upbringings....creates character and determination which a spolied rich kid can never learn to develop.

best of luck to you....hope you find the person who can be there for you....i'm still looking myself, lol.:)


rampage841512 said...

Thank you for your kind words.  And I hope you find her, if that's what you really want.