Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Keeping busy to cope, I hope

I'm still feeling pretty bad.  It's a constant and kind of dull little ache in my chest.  I don't like it, but hopefully it will go away soon.  I just want to forget it all.  I want to be able to accept it, but I can't.  I'll never be able to do that.  If I could, it would help me but that would be taking the easy way out.  I've never been one for taking the path of least resistence.

I don't know what I'm going to do or say.  That all depends on Stephanie and Jeremy, I guess.  I don't know whether to confront, or to use what I know to strike back somehow.  Striking back sounds nice, but it also seems a little petty.  I also don't feel like doing the whole confrontation thing, but it's probably going to be necessary. 

Anyway, I've got a lot to do today.  I'm going to the bank early to get my savings bonds and cash them in so I can pay my tuition and buy my books.  I might also go by Non-Stop Art, the place where John has been getting his tattoo work done. 

 I want to talk to someone there about my idea, maybe get some suggestions, and hopefully get a price.  I think what I want is a heart shape (colored red) that is done so it looks like it is stitched onto my arm, like a patch.  Obviously the outline and stitches would be in black.  I want it to be large enough to cover the side of my upper arm right below my shoulder.  Maybe about three or four inches in diameter if you were to put it inside a circle.

I hope going down to UAB cheers me up a little.  I don't know if it will.  I have a lot to do there.  I need to pay my tuition and buy my books.  Then I need to go to the registrar to get a form signed so I can get my Good Student discount on my car insurance.  Next I need to go by the finacial aid office and see if they have a FAFSA form, and I also need to see about getting some help filling it out since neither me nor my grandfather have filed taxes (we haven't had too). 

Classes start tomorrow.  And the last class of the day is where I will see Stephanie.  I was looking forward to it all summer.  Now I feel a little sick with fear every time I think about it.  I'm afraid of what will happen when I see her, and I'm also afraid that she won't be there.  If she drops the class, I'll know she's avoiding me.  Especially since she signed up for it because I had.  That will probably hurt more than anything.  See?  I still want to be her friend, somehow.  I want more than that, and I don't know what that will do to me.  It's caused problems before, but it's also turned out okay.  I just don't want to see them together.  That'll be too much.

I think I'll call Amber tomorrow too.  I was interested in her before, and I still am.  I found out from John and Jennifer that she had asked about me the when they went to the pet store last Saturday or Sunday, I can't remember specifically.  I guess I'll ask her out.  It cheered me up talking to her, and I guess the best thing to do is just move on with my life. 

I'm not going to think about the future anymore.  I'm not making any plans.  I have my long term goals:  a law degree, marriage, a big house, and children.  Other than that I'm not planning my future any more.  What comes will come, however it will come.  I'm not going to try and force it anymore, like I have so many times.  It will come or it won't.  I can't make it happen my way, try as I might.  I can just influence things as they happen.  I'll have to settle for that.

I want the cold to come quick this year.  I don't want another Indian Summer like last year.  I'd prefer a cold, dry winter too.  Last year was pretty wet.  I've always liked cold weather best, even though I was looking forward to this summer.  It didn't go as I planned.  I didn't swim near as much as I had planned. 

I'm going to take some deep breaths, sigh in reget, and hope things get better and not worse.


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