Wednesday, August 24, 2005

I Say

I'm not as naive as I sometimes may appear to be.  I'm just idealistic.  Sometimes I think I am too smart for my own good.  I'm not being arrogant, I just have an uncanny ability to see how things will work based upon the smallest possible data.  I can't always do it, but most times I can.  I like to think I've got good instincts.  Anyway, I just wanted to say that.

I see all the possible outcomes, and which ones are most likely to happen. But like I said, I'm ultimately an idealist.  I believe that good things can and should happen.  So I have the habit of setting myself up to get screwed.  There is an old saying I know that says, "Expect the worst, that way any surprise is a pleasant one."  Well, as much as I'd like to follow that saying I can't do it.  Instead I hope for the best, and fear the worst.  And things work out how they will work out.

I've been keeping myself busy all day.  My mind has been constantly occupied, and when it hasn't I've been exhausted.  I think I'm going to have bad days, and good days.  The bad days will be the ones where I have the most amount of time to think freely.  So work will be bad.  It's a mindless job, and I always used the free time to think.  I'm probably goind to buy an MP3 player though, and hopefully I can drown out all the thoughts with hours of music.  That's my hope, anyway.

I'm really in a fucked up situation.  I've always had to deal with things by myself.  I've got no support structure.  I'm serious too.  I've got friends, sure, but I'm missing those close connections that really help us through the worst times.  There is no one out there I trust enough to just completely let myself go.  When I lose control, when I finally come all undone, I do it alone.  And thats bad.  There's no one there to help you out of that.  When the waves of despair start rolling over me, I've got nothing to hold onto but myself. 

And that's hard to deal with.  And it's scary.  I've always held myself under the strictest self control because I didn't want anyone to ever use my emotional reactions against me.  But I need to be able to let slip that control sometimes.  And I need someone there to help me through it.  But I've got no one like that.  So life is extremely hard. 

But I deal with it, somehow.  I keep breathing, and I keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I'm just too stubborn to quit going.  See, it's that idealism I was talking about before.  It could be seen as a weakness, but in the end it's what gives me the hope and reassurance to keep going.  If I didn't have the absolute certainty that one day things will be much better, I wouldn't be sticking around.

So that's what it comes down too.  I've got nothing else to hold onto but my hope.  It's not what I want to hold onto.  It's not what I really need.  But it will keep me going for the time being.  And I guess that's keep me going anyway.  I've got a thirst I can't quench, an itch I can't scratch.  I'll survive that, but survival will be torture.  I wonder if I'll ever find my breaking point.  How far can I bend before I snap?  And what will happen when I do? 

It's an interesting question.  I might not have a breaking point, or I might find it an hour from now.  I don't really know.  And I'm wary of what I don't know. 

I'm sure I'll have more to say later.  For now I think I'll try to sleep.

1 comment:

autumnsavril said...

Sorrow seems to put you in a very reflective mood, as you've been very reflective lately.

People see naivety as such a bad thing, but really naivety comes from a life filled with little strife and much happiness, and I see nothing wrong with that.  I envy those who are naive.  Idealists are also perceived in a bad light, but they are simply people who wish everyone was naive and kind.  That life was so.  And there's nothing wrong with that either.  It's not that idealists aren't aware of the world and the way it works; they simply believe that everyone should strive for the ideal.