Sunday, August 21, 2005


If I see Jeremy, I'm probably going to hit him.  Nothing will ever make us okay again.  I can never trust him again.  And every time I think of the prick I get angry, and then I get sad.  And then I feel fucked up all day.  If I see him I'm going to start swinging and to hell with the consequences.

I'm very stupid for ever letting myself get in this position.  And ultimately the situation is all my fault.  Every path leads back to me.  And that's the worst fucking part.  You should be able to trust your friends.  A person should keep their word.

I'm going to try and sleep as much as possible.  I don't know how easy that will be, but I'm going to try.  I need the sleep.  Normally I would be going shooting, but I don't have the ammo.  And I just don't have the heart for it either.  Everything has lost it's flavor.  I can't even look at a beautiful woman anymore without feeling depressed.  I can still laugh at a good joke, but that's usually because the joke distracts me.

It's when something reminds me of what's going on that I start feeling bad.  And of course, I think the most when I'm trying to go to sleep.  I can't keep my thoughts clear.  And I bet you can guess what the first thing I think of when I wake up is.  At least I'm not having bad dreams.  That's a small mircle in and of itself.

Now, I'm sure everyone is thinking, "Why is all the blame going on Jeremy? Stephanie didn't tell you what was going on either, and she certainly didn't discourage him."  Good point.  So here I go.  Stephanie didn't promise me anything  but a date.  Jeremy promised me he would keep it plutonic between himself and Stephanie.  Jeremy should have walked away even if she was throwing herself at him, or at the very least been man enough to tell me to go fuck myself and that he would do what he wanted.  That's why I'll start swinging if I see him.

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