Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Another dent in my armor

And it's a big one.  A really big one.  I'm over one of the worst bouts right now.  It could happen again at any moment though.  You know, that moment when it just hits you and those feelings of horror, disbelief, digust, and just raw emotional pain hit you.  And it happens.  You cry.  You don't want to.  But at the same time you do.  You ask yourself why this is happening to you.  Are you overreacting?  Why does it feel this bad?

I really don't think it's ever been this bad before.  I don't know if it's because the fact is that she hasn't told me herself yet.  And I don't know when she will.  I'm afraid of that moment.  I don't know what's going to happen then.  But I need it to come.  That will give me some closure.  I can start sewing up the wounds.

It just shouldn't have been this bad.  I never, ever wanted to feel like this.  I've been looking for someone to help me through these tough times, not someone to bring another one on.  I feel so stupid.  I'm embarrassed.  I feel like I've been making an ass of myself.  I thought I finally had her, but it was just shadows and dust. 

All those entries I wrote trying to think of a good first date while I waited for her to deal with her ex, and the whole time she's been seeing Jeremy.  They decided to see each other before I even asked her out.  Why couldn't she just tell me?  It would have hurt still, but a little pain is better than a big pain.  Why did she tell Jennifer what she told her that night at the party?

Why? Why?  Why? 

No one knows but her.  And I'm afraid to just ask point blank.  John asked me not to tell Stephanie or Jeremy that he told me.  See, he talked to both of them trying to figure out what they were doing, why they were doing it.  Apparently, Stephanie only wants to be my friend.  Why couldn't she just say that?  It would have hurt, but it wouldn't have been the first time.

And Jeremy.  Why'd it have to be him?  I thought he was a friend.  Any other guy and I would have just had to shrug it off.  But I don't want to see them together.  I never had to see Stephanie with anyone else.  I knew  about them, but I couldn't see it in my mind.  I know Jeremy though.  I don't know how well I'm getting this across. 

I need someone right now.  Someone to talk to.  Someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright in time.  I need to hear these things even though I already know them.  Because even knowing them it's still hard to believe. 

It's times like these when I really hate my mother.  She should be here for me now.  At the very least she should only be a phone call away.  But she's not.  She was never there when I really needed her.

Why do I always have to be so alone?  I know I have friends, but I can't go to them and just break down.  I can't do it to John and Jennifer.  They're too involved on the one hand, and today's their two year wedding anniversery.  This is a time for them to be happy. 

I don't know what to do.  I'm scared and I'm alone.  I've got no one to go to, and no one to call.  I need a friend right now and I don't have one.  I need someone close.  I need my Aunt Ellen in California, but I don't even know her number.  I'd call her if I had it.  Really, I need someone here with me, in the flesh.  I just don't have anyone.

Hurt and alone.  That's me in two words.  It's pathetic, I know.  Like I said, I'm ashamed of all this.  I feel like it's all my fault some how, but I don't know what I did wrong.  And if it's not my fault, then why is this happening to me?  What did I do to deserve it?  I've lived a good life.  I try to be a good person, and help people when I can.  But I still get hurt. 

I'm an idealist, and a dreamer.  I don't want to fall into that apathy that I see so much.  It's just depressing to even think about.  I care, and I don't want to stop caring.  But it hurts so bad to care. 

But if I stop caring, what will I become?  Will I even be me any more?  What will I do if I no longer care?  If I reach that point what will I be capable of?  What evil?  That's what it comes down to.

I've always felt I was running from a darkness inside me.  I've always felt that I would find one of two things in the future.  One is a simple life:  I fall in love, have a family, use my education to provide for them, and live a basically happy life through all the good times and the bad that will come.  The other life scares me.  It's the one where I finally stop caring.  And then I'm afraid I'd do terrible things.  If I lost the empathy I have, that ability to sense hurt in others, what horrible things I could do.  That terrifies me.  And I'm afraid that eventually one of these hurts I keep walking into is going to do that to me.  See, they get worse every time.  I don't know if that's because I care more, or because there's a little less of me every time to absorb the hurt.  So it's concentrated.  And a little more of my soul dies. 

That may sound very melodramatic, but it's how I feel.  It's how I've always felt:  calm, upset, angry, sad, happy.  It doesn't matter what mood I'm in.  I always feel that way.  And I think that's part of the problem.  It's very intense.  Maybe I'm just too intense for most people.  I feel things too strongly.  I can't dull that feeling.  I'm very emotional.  I didn't think guys were supposed to be like this.  And I would think women would understand me a little more because of it.  That's unfair though.  How many of them have I tried to explain this too? 

So I'm left here, alone and confused.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I hope I can fall asleep.  I meant to try and run myself into the ground but it didn't work.  I couldn't exhaust myself to the point where I would just pass out senseless.  I should know better.  I can't make myself senseless with alcohol (I've tried before, I won't try it this time), how could I expect anything else to do it?

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