Sunday, April 22, 2007

This Sucks

I don't know what else to say about it, this just sucks.  I talked to her yesterday, and a little today.  The only conclusion I can come to is that she's fucking crazy.  I don't know what her deal is, but it's hurting me.  Oh, well.  If she doesn't want to be with me, she won't be now.  It's over, and I don't go back on things like that.  I don't need the drama in my life. 

It still fucking hurts though.  Bad, too.  It hurts and it pisses me off that she wanted to take our relationship to the level we had, and then she didn't want that.  First I wasn't paying her enough attention.  I wasn't showing her how deeply I cared.  Then when I did, it was too much. 

I think I'm starting to agree with her last two boyfriends.  I don't think anyone is going to be able to make her happy. 

Oh, she's taking all the blame on herself too.  She's says she's just fucked up and needs to be alone, but that it's too hard.  Whatever. 

Personally, I think she just doesn't want to be with me anymore.  I don't think it's anything more than that, plain and simple.  I don't she feels like she needs to be alone, or that she can't be happy.  I think she just doesn't see herself happy with me.  Wasn't happy with me, even while saying things like, "You're too good for me."

I've heard that before.  Maybe she even means it.  But I doubt it.  And a part of me hates her for it because there is nothing I can do now.  Not a damned thing. 

Six months of effort.  Six months of getting over my past.  Six months of doing all the things you have to do make it work.  Six months down the fucking drain. 

But what's six months, right?  In ten years, what will six months matter?  I don't really know.  I hope nothing.  But I know that's not true.  I'll always remember it, and it'll always hurt.  I just need some distance now, and that means waiting for time to pass.  Time. 

It's like a kick in the gut.  It just takes the breath away, and I want to curl up into a ball and just suffer.  I've been here before.  I never wanted to be here again.  I tried keeping my distance to avoid it.  And she was suffering because of that.  She told me so, and I could see it.  So I allowed my self to really open up. 

Look what it got me.  No wonder some many people hate love.

1 comment:

autumnsavril said...

Aaaw, it won't always hurt, Robbie.  I promise.  I know a couple of times when I felt the exact same way.  Breaking up sucks, plain and simple.  But at least she served as a transition and a distraction, so you can't chalk it up as a total loss.  :)

But I know it still hurts, and I'm sorry for that.  You will get through.  I promise.